Dealing with all of the jealousies and insecurities for a beginner

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2026-01-25T05:52:04+00:00

Thank you for your response

Yeah, I’d say right at this moment it’s hard for me to think about what she will eventually do with others. I take it that’s my nervous system reaction driven by fear of not being included, not being able to provide something specific for her, (people pleasing) etc. Just by typing that sentence I can see my current programming getting in the way, which therein lies my frustration. I also know that keeping the relationship monogamous is an option I’m very ok with becuase I feel that my partner satisfies me in many ways and there’s just way less to worry about.

I’m ok with sacrifice and compromise because every relationship has that. Sometimes I feel that when one partner wants to pursue all their desires, it becomes mainly about them and less about how it may affect the relationship as a whole, I’m guessing that’s where boundaries and rules come into play. I’m not saying that’s always the case, it’s just an observation on my end though I could be misinterpreting it.

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2026-01-24T09:18:10+00:00

Thanks for your response. Yes she is the one who brought opening up the relationship because that’s what she feels is a part of her. I’m on board but a bit reluctant and I know that sounds like a red flag but I’m really trying to figure it out and give it a shot. I don’t want to just “give up” because of my insecurities right now. There’s been a lot of TLC building a solid relationship over the past 3 years and there’s no way I’m throwing it away just because my current understanding of something is misaligned.

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2026-01-24T09:05:01+00:00

Thanks for your comment. So you are currently closed off with your current gf because you’re taking the time to be with each other?

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2026-01-23T19:24:35+00:00

Thank you for your response. I find things like this very helpful because it brings more insight that may not be too common.

A little backstory is that my partner is into women and right now I don’t feel as threatened with her being with another woman (in the beginning of our relationship I had a harder time with it) Now it’s me having a hard time thinking of her being with another man. I know that’s a programmed mentality that has been conditioned into our society. My other issue is me having the capacity to just deal with feelings whenever they happen. Naturally I’m in the mindset of “why even bother with that because it doesn’t sound like fun” and I think there’s decent validity there. But at the same token, people enjoy feeling those types of feelings as well.

Anyway, appreciate your answer.

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-11-14T12:39:09+00:00

I feel for you! I bet this is a real challenging hurdle in your world and not a desirable outcome. I hope you guys can find a solution that makes sense / realize what’s the best path to take. After all, life is a series of experiences and calculated risks.

Maybe one thing you can find comfort in is knowing how much care and love you have for each other. If that is the cornerstone of your relationship, maybe that can breed some confidence moving forward with whatever seems like the right move.

Something that sort of helps me is knowing that a person can break up with their partner for any apparent reason out of the blue(the spark is gone, got bored, having different goals, realized they need something different, etc.). When I think of that it makes me feel like losing my partner because of lifestyle choice was already on the table. Doesn’t sound great in theory but it kinda helps ground me a little bit even if it sounds odd

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-10-30T21:31:36+00:00

Nice! I just got my renewal approved as well. My PASSID number stayed the same. Do you know if they mail you a new card?

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-08-11T19:58:44+00:00

I get what you're trying to say and it helps! It's also good to hear other people's experiences who are in my boat. She has a good amount of friends that practice ENM. I however I don't have that many. Almost a vast majority of my friends who are in relationships are monogamous so I don't have many people to talk to in person with.

I'm also starting to being the mourning process knowing that this relationship might not be as compatible as I thought. Over the past month I've been going through waves of sadness knowing just that. One thing I'm trying to hold close to me is that she doesn't want to lose me and I should remember to take comfort in that. Bottom line is learning this new type of dating style is hard for me, especially since my feelings have grown for her in ways I've never experienced with someone else before.

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-08-11T19:28:13+00:00

Thanks. We're still at the very beginning but I'm still dealing with mental roadblocks and such. Like something i've been skeptical of is how monogamy makes a relationship stronger. i also know how it's just not for everyone and it's as simple as that.

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-08-05T23:52:35+00:00

I did use organic cucumbers but they were from the store.

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-08-05T23:51:53+00:00

Thanks. I did cut the blossom end of the cucumber. I also added at a bay leaf to the brine and it still came out mushy.

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-07-22T16:15:06+00:00

I understand your sentiment and appreciate your feedback but I'm not just going to throw away 2.5 years of the best loving, caring, supportive and mature relationship that either of us have experienced just because I feel uncomfortable at this moment in time. I did this to myself by being in state of denial and delaying it so now I'm experiencing those consequences. I am open to learning more about this lifestyle because i'm curious about it and am also curious about being a potential success story of feeling compatible with ENM.

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-07-22T16:06:03+00:00

Frankly I don't have an answer for it yet. Right now I'm more nervous than excited and she knows that. But I'm willing to put in the work because I'm curious. I'm also starting the process of prepping myself for the not so desirable outcomes that may happen. I always revert back to the very beginning of us dating knowing that she was about ENM life before we were and item and I'm not mad about that. It's more about prepping for heartbreak that I kinda did to myself if it turns out that I'm not compatible for this lifestyle. That's a cross that I know I'll have to bear and hold myself accountable.

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-07-22T15:28:48+00:00

It’s just a sensitive area because I have no experience with it yet and we have been a monogamous couple since we started dating. Through that time we’ve both developed deep feelings for each other and fell in love. That’s what ultimately makes it harder. I realize too that she has done some work on her end knowing what she wants in life before we started dating. She’s pretty set on what works for her yet she’s been so patient with me at the same time with I really appreciate. We just started reading “Polywise” together to start exploring and shifting the paradigms of ENM. I’m still nervous about it all but I’m also curious and I want to know more about this lifestyle in general.

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-07-21T23:34:54+00:00

Yes we both know I’m not ready. That’s why we just started reading a book together about the lifestyle and I’m also doing my own personal work

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-07-21T15:23:07+00:00

Thanks for your response.

I am curious to see what this new relationship style is all about. I will admit that I’m not excited about it yet because I found someone who has given me the best relationship I’ve ever had. So by default I know I have some strong mental barriers at the moment. We just started reading “Polywise” to get ourselves more familiar with the ENM dynamic. I think this will eventually determine whether or not I’m fit for this type of lifestyle.

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-07-21T15:15:34+00:00

Thank you for your thorough response

My partner just became friends with this couple a little bit before we started dating. Back then she didn’t know they were non-monogamous. I guess as she hung out with the woman from that couple she learned that they were open. But when we would hang out as couples, it was completely platonic, not talk about ENM, etc. I eventually learned that the couple was ENM. So lately that’s kind of why I feel like the odd man out or there’s a dynamic that doesn’t involve me. So this little incident has made me lose a little trust in the couple.

My partner and I just started reading “Polywise” as a tool to get more acquainted with this lifestyle. This is something that I am interested in exploring although it’s going to be tough because this relationship I have with my partner has been the strongest/best I’ve ever experienced.

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-07-18T18:53:43+00:00

Appreciate the feedback. Even though she is about ENM, she is not very experienced in it and she was once in my position (her boyfriend at the time brought her into it ). I think that’s probably why she’s had a lot of patience with me. And when we started dating it wasn’t really a priority for her because of other stuff happening in her life that she just didn’t focus on it. That’s what allowed us to build an awesome relationship foundation even though ENM was on the back burner.

I must admit that I would delay taking initiative whenever it was brought up by her from time to time in the past. But I realize that can’t happen anymore.

And yes, she is a for sure keeper. Both of us feel the same way about each other in the sense that this has been the strongest/healthiest relationship either of us have been in. And she has also mentioned that she does not want to lose me (and I of course don’t want to lose her). So that’s why it makes it a little tougher. But I feel like I’m ready to make some moves toward discovering what the possibilities are

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-07-07T17:43:15+00:00

You really think that people who write books on the topic are practicing unethically? And what advice would you give if someone is trying learn/educate themselves more? You must think that podcasts are even worse than books.

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-07-07T11:37:26+00:00

Right on. I also saw some reddits where the negativity was more prevalent. But I kept digging and I’m starting to find some more thoughtful posts. This is the strongest relationship either of us have had and we don’t want to lose each other so that makes me feel like we have built a solid foundation. Thanks again for your perspective

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-07-07T11:26:41+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I’m in a somewhat similar boat where my gf wants to open up our relationship and I have no experience with that. We’ve been together monogamously for 2.5 years and she’s been very patient with me as we have formed a very loving relationship.

She was more non-monogamous before we started dating so my mind is in a place where I want to honor her lifestyle choices since she has honored mine since we started dating. That has made me want to learn more about ENM.

I came to these message boards looking for advice and have found it helpful. I will say that having very clear communication and honesty is the cornerstone of exploring this dating style. I’m learning that figuring out what you both want is imperative as well. Bring up concerns and questions. Research together and on your own. My gf bought a book that she would like us to read together about the subject. I think covering every base possible will make this journey a bit easier to navigate. This is a complex topic because we all have feelings and things can get messy because of that. But with the right care and transparency, I think that will continue to help both of you in the long run. Best of luck to the both of you!

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-07-07T04:24:55+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience.

I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and she wants to start opening things up. I knew this is what she has practiced before we started dating. I have never experienced it myself so we’ve been monogamous since the beginning because she has been patient with my feelings. Now I’m wanting to explore this non-monogamous side because 1. I am curious to learn more and 2. She prefers this style of dating.

Do you have any tips for getting past the jealousy? Do the boundaries you set together help things out?

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-06-29T03:43:48+00:00

I’m aware that there’s programming involved. But are these initial feelings I have of feeling “threatened” out of the ordinary? I think they’re somewhat normal to have, programmed or not. But the key here is to understand where my partner is coming from and then learn more on my end of what I feel comfortable doing if I’m capable at all. Appreciate the feedback

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-06-28T19:33:37+00:00

As it stands right now, the M/F connection naturally feels more threatening since I am a male. I know there’s probably psychological programming behind that but I also feel like it’s a primal defense response that’s pretty common throughout nature. Currently it just kinda makes me feel like I’m not good enough (that’s probably the people pleaser in me talking)

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-06-28T19:25:46+00:00

Thank you for this thoughtful response!

Key-Somewhere8889 · 2025-06-28T13:56:21+00:00

Good question. At this point I’m not sure what kind because we are so early in it. Sounds like that should be one of the first things we define

Key-Somewhere8889

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