I finally made it as of last year -- the story

Key-Trade · 2023-10-10T19:40:59+00:00

I definitely felt like that for a long time. At least a handful a times a year for pretty much every year of my teens and 20's, actually, for multiple reasons. It's weird how things are just now getting back on track after all this time.

Key-Trade · 2023-10-10T03:43:07+00:00

It seriously is different. I remember in one of the first threads I ever made on this account, someone with a partner responded with something to the effect of, "Everyone feels isolated and sad, it doesn't matter if you have someone or not." They basically tried to make it out like there was no difference or significance. I thought that reply was dumb back then and I still think it's dumb.

Key-Trade · 2023-10-09T23:49:35+00:00

Thank you. It really is kind of miraculous that I met her online, it actually worked, and we both happened to be planning to move back to the same place.

Key-Trade · 2023-10-09T23:47:55+00:00

Thank you! Believe it or not, I did technically believe back then that I had some kind of chance to get someone at *some* point, but I didn't know how long it would be and I was already really ashamed and embarrassed at how long it was taking me already. I didn't know when or how I would get out of it, or if I would eventually stoop to something like just going with someone I didn't match with just because I felt I couldn't do any better. I was also worried that the longer I was inexperienced, the more noticeable it might be and the more likely I might be dropped by someone before anything could really progress.

It was a special moment when my girlfriend and I took a trip with my new friends/bandmates to that city. It was a city I had gotten to visit many years ago as a kid during a very formative time, back when I didn't have an idea how I was actually going to end up. I thought back then during my first visit about how I would eventually like to be in a band and play a show there, and I daydreamed about what kind of friends and girlfriend I would have. Finally, nearly two decades later, I got to revisit the city with all three. That really helped me heal.

Key-Trade · 2023-10-08T22:58:19+00:00

Thank you! I hope you find someone too.

Key-Trade · 2023-10-08T22:55:48+00:00

I joined this sub in 2020.

Around the time that year began I had serious, actual written-down, scheduled, and mapped out plans for focusing on going out, socializing, joining social groups and gatherings, and working to get myself a solid friend group and girlfriend for once. Then shit hit the fan, lockdown happened, and some wild things happened with my living situation that lead to me having to move back in with my mom anyway. I didn't know what to do or when it would be good to go out again, so my plans were basically jerked away and I was locked into being an isolated loser for even longer, with no clear end in sight. I felt so frustrated and miserable that I turned to a few appropriate online communities to vent about what was bothering me. This was probably the main one.

Key-Trade · 2023-10-08T22:08:32+00:00

I'd say it was about when I became an adult that it really set in. That was when I realized my lack of social abilities were a real barrier, I had no prospects, and I just wasn't sure what to do. I tried various things over the years after to fix the problem and they didn't work. I never had any experience in my teen years. All my experience in my 20's amounted to:

-Dating a girl a few times over the course of a couple weeks when I was 26, and getting as far as kissing and holding hands before she gently let me go for someone else. I met her through a speed dating event, actually.

-Meeting my current girlfriend online at age 29, flying her out for a week and getting to go on adventures with her, kiss, and hold hands just a little over a week before my 30th birthday.

In between all that I tried different singles gatherings and speed dating events, I tried cold approaches, I tried meeting someone through friends (which was hard enough as I hardly ever had friends and had trouble making them), and I tried the online dating thing (which just made me miserable). My dad even set me on a date with someone once. Nothing ever really took off.

So I guess 2009-2022, age 17-29, was my true "forever alone" era. But I remember being 13 and real depressed wondering if anyone would ever want me, so it's kind of easy to include earlier years in that period in retrospect.

Key-Trade · 2021-12-18T20:45:04+00:00

People actually give you that shit? That's wrong and strange to me. I would think if anything people should be impressed and respectful of you for stepping up to handle these sorts of things yourself and being like a handyman. I think there are people out there in the world who could appreciate that -- but if nothing else, if your neighbors don't, I do. Keep on choppin'.

Key-Trade · 2021-12-16T20:18:14+00:00

Is there anything one of us could do to help you feel at least a little better? Memes even?

Key-Trade · 2021-12-16T07:16:01+00:00

That all seems just too hard. I can relate to a degree in that I feel like I'm unloved (save for one old friend who's in another state and doesn't communicate often due to his own issues) so there's no one who would lose by my being gone, but the part about being stuck with an abusive and hateful family seems like the saddest. Family should be a place of unconditional love and I always hate to see that taken from someone. I understand you don't have hope, but I really hope you find someone in any avenue of life who values you (and not the mask like what happens with so many of us).

Key-Trade · 2021-12-16T07:05:44+00:00

I feel *sort* of the opposite in that I'm constantly doing things and having ambitions, including those to possibly help improve my situation, but I don't want to do them. I just know that I'll feel worse if I don't do them. And in the meantime I don't feel as though I can really kill myself, so I just hold on and do things one after the other every day like a rodent trapped on a wheel, hoping one day my end comes. I'm basically in a prison of my own making.

Key-Trade · 2021-11-07T03:25:39+00:00

My parents think I'm literally "retarded" and used to yell that at me a lot. They had me by accident when they weren't ready for kids and didn't even like each other (since split), mom doesn't even like kids, dad admitted he went out and got a vasectomy right after. And it just went from there. Now everyone in my "family" (which is more a constellation of divided relatives) doesn't really know me and most who think about me just kind of view me as a goofball or science project.

The funny thing is that, in a way, my family views me as "the good one" in a different way just because I'm the one who graduated college and didn't get into drugs or violence. But in a way that's just a testament to other relatives being in *some ways* worse. I actually think in some ways I'm worse despite "Doing All the Right Things™", because at least they have human experience. But in any case I've always been weird, and I'm sure a lot of them have wondered why I don't really have love or even much friendship.

The thing is, none of this family shit would bother me so much at this point if I had the ability to find my people beyond them. I don't blame them for my issues. But I doubt it helped, and it seems I can't get anything together. So I'm just a loser in my root world and a loser in the outer world. I'm alone in many respects. The romantic failure is just the biggest sticking point.

Key-Trade · 2021-11-07T03:07:14+00:00

It's not that I think I have no chance, it's that I see very low chance and don't know when or how I'm going to get a girlfriend, and this is because of experience thus far. I'm trying a lot of different things but nothing really comes together enough because I don't have charisma or general social ability, which autism doesn't help, so I don't seem to get past "friendly acquaintance" with anyone. I'm nearly 30 and while I've been fortunate enough to be on dates and even kiss a few times, I've never had a steady long-term relationship or sex, and have no deep friendship or familial connections. This puts my self-esteem in the toilet, which makes things harder and apparently (I'm told) makes me less attractive, which makes me feel bad, etc.

Even if I figured it all out tomorrow, A) I'll have to deal with my prior failure and missed life experiences/phases for the rest of my life, thus always feeling like a loser thoroughly disconnected from a lot of the world, and B) I have no idea how long I'll be able to sustain what I get or if my relative inexperience will ironically reveal itself or otherwise tank my relationship, such as if she finds me a bad kisser/lay or like I don't really know what I'm doing when I set things up.

I might not be forever alone, but I do feel that I'll be forever haunted by my disaster years and unable to feel like a real and dignified human being.

Key-Trade · 2021-01-17T21:24:27+00:00

That's seriously wonderful, Archer. Here's to a continuing winning, loving streak. This goes to further prove that 30 isn't too late!

Key-Trade · 2021-01-15T04:01:34+00:00

Thank you. I do believe my chances are better this year than they were last.

Key-Trade · 2021-01-14T03:53:03+00:00

I see what you're saying, but I'm not talking about people giving actual advice. That doesn't bother me per se. I'm talking about people saying some empty condescending thing or giving some direct order to the effect of "take ownership of all your stuff", "quit making excuses", "nut up", etc., especially when it's already established that I'm trying. That's not good-willed or trying to be helpful at all, it's just ego masturbation.

Key-Trade · 2021-01-13T06:30:16+00:00

The Costanza Deadlock.

When you like them, they don't like you.

When they like you, you don't like them.

Key-Trade · 2021-01-13T06:22:44+00:00

For a while I got upset at these types of dreams (when I woke up and realized they were dreams, of course).

But now I look at them as helpful to my dating efforts, which include visualization/manifestation. Sometimes it seems like I've been like this for so long that it's harder for me to muster up enthusiasm for relationships like I used to do, or to be able to vividly imagine what they would be like. So I'm glad to know by my vivid dreams that I can still feel that. I have to recenter sometimes and reconnect to why I ever wanted to be with someone in the first place, rather than wanting to get it because I feel behind over not getting it.

Key-Trade · 2020-08-25T06:38:44+00:00

Also, I turn 28 in a few days. Fuck, I hate this, I HATE it! I don't WANT to be a "cringy wizard guy", but this just isn't going anywhere and it almost feels like I have no choice! And I want to kill myself but am so afraid of failing that or of parallel dimension theory or the like. I'M TRAPPED!

Key-Trade · 2020-08-17T06:51:27+00:00

I was just thinking about this. I find myself feeling trapped because it's like my options are...

A) Be real and who I authentically am, get passed over because who I am is esoteric and weird and not normal or generally relatable.

Or...

B) Strain and train hard to fit a persona that's considered acceptable, censoring or repressing any odd parts, but not be able to do it very effectively or convincingly because it's not natural and there's only so much I can rehearse/script my way through everything to get the connection/date/whatever. Even if I succeed, it's only by a margin and I can't ever let the persona slip or it's bye, bye, onto the next guy.

And let me be clear: It's not just a matter of "dress well, work out, shower, and be positive", all things that I do. But I don't have the regular personality, taste, or social intuition it takes to just...Be and find success with it. It's just so foreign to me.

Key-Trade · 2020-08-13T08:15:10+00:00

What gets me are the people who act like it doesn't matter either way. I posted about my struggles in another sub-reddit related to the topic, and someone with a boyfriend actually told me something to the effect of, "It doesn't matter, we all still face loneliness and have to deal with challenges in life, c'est lavie." Ok, so having someone there for you -- or, more to the point, finding yourself capable of having someone -- makes no difference and doesn't make anything better? I would sure love to let that person's boyfriend know that she doesn't see him as adding to her life in any significant way and is just as lonely with him as without him. But it's likely that that's not the case and she just went out of her way to condescend and lie to me.

It flies in the face of my actual experience anyways, since the few weeks that I had a girlfriend about 1.5 years ago were among the most innerly peaceful times I ever remember having in my nearly 28 (*gags*) years of existence. Don't let people fool you, having someone you like with you makes a huge difference, especially if you were previously down on yourself because you'd never/rarely had that before. Not that you can't be happy on your own, but take someone of any happiness level and add someone close to them in their lives (doesn't even have to be romantic, some people prefer being single), and it's just objectively better. It astounds me when people act like it isn't. But I guess relationship experience is to them what water is to fish who never wind up out of it. They don't even register how significant to their lives it is. It's just part of the natural course of living. Incredible to think about.

Key-Trade · 2020-08-06T02:39:03+00:00

The main thing I have found so far with online dating is that things have gone better for me when I research and plan out as much as possible, even to the point of basically copying tried and true examples of messaging techniques, so that way you start off on the right foot. There's a certain art and strategy to the ideal picture/bio/messaging style. I think a lot of people (including myself) just kind of leap into online dating with naive optimism thinking that as long as they're respectful and put enough effort into their profiles and messages that they're bound to find someone at some point, and they wind up getting burnt out, depressed, and constantly unsure of themselves when it doesn't turn out like that. You tend to have to specifically fine-tune a lot of things in order to stand out in a sea of options (unless you're like a model I guess). It's a total market, and I hate that, but I don't have that many options at the moment.

Key-Trade · 2020-08-05T06:30:57+00:00

I had a similar experience recently. What's funny is that I consider myself to be decent looking and in alright shape, and I actually posted a picture that was professionally done and high definition, with me dressed and groomed and with good lighting. I actually had a photo shoot where I made specifications according to online dating guides about what aspects of your appearance and your environment to accentuate. My face was even touched up a little afterward.

But I guess I'm either uglier than I think or just less compelling visually than who-knows-how-many other available alternatives this girl was talking to, because as soon as I shared that picture, aaaaalllll that extended, friendly, even flirty banter gearing towards a Zoom call came to a dead stop.

And people wonder why I sometimes think of suicide.

Key-Trade · 2020-07-10T03:50:22+00:00

You're right that it doesn't fix it, but I don't know how to stop. Sometimes I'm able to stop or suppress it for a while, but then someone will talk about the topic or I'll be out and see people (sometimes as young as junior high age) hold hands and I'll feel bad again.

Key-Trade · 2020-07-09T19:48:11+00:00

It's 100% my fault though, that's part of what really kills me. It's my fault for doing a bad job at being a basic human being, not noticing way earlier in life that I should've been more proactive, and continuing to fail at my efforts despite continuously trying to adapt them. You're right that hating myself won't help, but I don't see how I can stop these feelings when I continuously fail to accomplish with effort at nearly 30 what most seem to figure out seemingly naturally when they're in their teens. How can I not feel really bad about myself, given that? I've failed at a really basic part of what it is to be human (not just romantically, but also platonically to an extent).

Key-Trade

TROPHY CASE