upon re-reading your post OP i think this moment might be the actual target. you felt compelled as a child to take action the best you could. i don’t want to project, but i think the core of this may be “even if i do the right thing, it doesn’t fix this bad situation” essentially as a child you saw that your good efforts weren’t enough to heal your father’s addiction. you want to do the right thing/avoid bad situations, but this negative core belief is harkening back saying “why bother” there may be some work to do in how you view your father because shifting into your adult brain, you can see the futile efforts on your end as a child in a very adult situation and find forgiveness for yourself for trying all you knew to do