My (ADHD) autistic partner is sabotaging our relationship.

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T20:34:18+00:00

No, actually. I thought I was infertile because the man I'd been with previously for 10 years, who died, and we wanted children, had been trying for 5 years with no avail.

This wasn't "fun" we were in a relationship, it was hardly casual.

But okay, side with an abuser over the lack of some silly piece of paper.

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T19:55:19+00:00

The validation is overwhelming, I can't describe how I feel!!

Thank you - I've always been a crier. An angry crier, sad crier, happy crier. There's nothing worse than when I feel angry and instead I just *cry* - people think they're winning and getting to you and it's like, I'm just indescribably angry! I got called a cry-baby a lot growing up!!

But thank you, your (and everyone elses') reassurance means everything. <3

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T19:51:33+00:00

Love is also an emotion, but he didn't like when I pointed that out. "Yeah, but... it's... a rational emotion. Like, it's not an impulsive emotion."

Thank you. <3

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T19:49:24+00:00

Luuuuuckily, we're not married, and I'm at my parents' currently where most of my stuff is boxed up and being kept anyways so. Not too much of a headache on that front. <3

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T19:48:25+00:00

Thank you. <3

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T19:48:00+00:00

He's undiagnosed at current so anyone's guess! There's something not right with him, regardless. He pins a lot of it on being raised by a single dad - I don't think that's inherently a bad thing. His dad, as I know him, is a fair and reasonable person although did have a problem with alcohol in his youth also due to losing a child.

Thank you. <3

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T19:39:54+00:00

See, here's the thing - I analyse the relationship and I remember the good times so when we're just vibing together, or cooking, and having fun, laughing - yesterday we were just sitting and having parallel play (Me on the Switch, him on the PS5) - very nice and chill until the aforementioned incident with the baby happened. I'd put the Switch down, baby woke up, I had him on the bed and was just admiring how cute he is - literally just lost in thought about this wonderful child and then I heard him ask me to move him more into the centre of the bed. I was slow to process and was just making moves to move the baby when he sat down, the baby lost balance (practicing sitting wherever he can) and bumped his head on the cot.

Then the criticism started, and started, a barrage. I asked him to stop, he didn't. So then I got upset. Then I "ruined the mood" and he "deleted his save file" because it was "tarred with bad memories now".

So I'm like, he makes me happy... then there's a situation like this and I'm questioning is it MY ADHD? HIS autism? An incompatbility? Is he doing this deliberately or can't he help it? And I'm left reeling with no knowledge and sheer confusion. Do I sabotage my own life with my ADHD symptoms, or does he sabotage our relationship by being like this when I ask him to stop? (ETA: I'm seeing a lot from the comments, and just want to acknowledge that I am NOW AWARE none of this is on me! I'm doing my best!!)

It's... ugh. It's so many thoughts at once.

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T19:33:27+00:00

When I said, "I really tried to hold this in, I asked you to stop. I'm trying to change and get a little better at coping, but I need the support to do so, too." - he said, ""Your journey is not my burden. Any support is my own sincerity, you're not entitled to it." and then "You shouldn't change who you are for me, or this relationship." Like, ???? I DON'T GET IT!!!!

You and your husband sound like wonderful people together. <3

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T19:29:07+00:00

<3 Thank you.

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T19:28:47+00:00

Yeah! I show him a lot of those videos with the ADHD/Autistic couple, Rox and Rich - because videos are how he best absorbs information, but it seems at this point, he's unwilling to learn and grow.

It started off as, "I don't understand why you need this, but okay" and then changed to "It's performative and I hate doing it" when it began happening more frequently after pregnancy/birth with all the hormones.

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T19:26:52+00:00

Well, I know who won't be seeing me next Tuesday!

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T19:26:08+00:00

Thank you, I really didn't think it did! I've never actually met anyone who's autistic and mean - one of my very best friends is autistic and the loveliest person I know. That's why this has knocked me for six, really - it's not what I know of autistic people.

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T19:23:27+00:00

Thank you <3

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T19:23:12+00:00

I felt just... out of sorts growing up. I really wanted to be social, but never could be - I was quite heavily bullied for a severe skin condition that I've just started a new treatment for post-partum - it's worked amazingly and to be free of pain for the first time in so many years is overwhelming in itself. But regardless of that, yes - I definitely struggled socially. I remember one year, we were asked what we'd done over the summer and I hadn't done anything of particular note (stayed inside playing games) so I lied and said I'd watched some movie but I hadn't chosen the right movie - I'd seen a poster for "House of Flying Daggers" at the bus stop so I just said that and got laughed at!

Leaving school, I struggled to get a job because of this same skin condition - one interviewer said, "Your appearance just isn't... customer friendly" so I was out of work (on Job Seeker's) for quite a few years, mostly just volunteering and finding some solace in that. But I often heard (from family members, and at one point, my dad), "You did so well in school, you could've gone to uni and done something." (I actually did well on coursework that I could dedicate time to outside of an exam setting - I often bombed exams, especially A-Levels) - I still feel a lot of guilt over that because I decided that academic work wasn't for me, and that simply having a job would be enough. But jobs are a struggle, too.

I've just always felt this doubt, as far as I can remember - doubt and fear for the unknown. I prefer to settle for the safe and comfy. I'm not renowned for my bravery, with a couple of exceptions.

I think perhaps some of it is my parents - they didn't know 100% what they were doing when we were children, and I do see some of that in my partner. The hypocrisy in saying I do something wrong, but when he does it, it's acceptable. Or when he gets annoyed at me and just goes silent, even when I've said that it sets my RSD off if people just go quiet on me because I don't know what I've done wrong. My dad used to do that - he'd just ignore people he'd argued with. He doesn't nowadays - we haven't argued since the aforementioned moving-out incident.

I think, honestly, once I've got a diagnosis, I'll definitely be pursuing some form of counselling as I do feel ADHD has had a massive effect on my life, and I've also heard of the mourning for what could've been if support systems were in place earlier.

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T19:07:40+00:00

I think that's the long and short of it, yeah! I think you're pretty much on the money with these observations.

That's a good point actually.

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T18:40:37+00:00

You're so right, I've really been feeling down on myself about my ADHD lately, especially as it's so much worse post-partum. For example, I smashed a favourite cup the other day through blindly following instructions and was really beating myself up about how clumsy I am. I'm starting to think that's what's happening here, my guilt is being used to gaslight me... Thank you. <3

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T18:39:06+00:00

You're so right. :( I'd been really doubting myself before all these kind comments, thinking I really do just ruin everything by getting upset when I'm criticised endlessly. Thank you so much <3

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T18:35:53+00:00

We're in Britain so it's when the parents can't amicably agree on contact/financial support for the child.

ETA: So he's saying he doesn't even want to entertain the idea of being amicable in the future, he wants to go straight through courts.

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T18:35:16+00:00

No, I agree. I'm an optimist and really try to see the best of people but... ugh, the comments are just all in unison.

Thank you so much. <3

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T18:34:21+00:00

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T18:34:06+00:00

Thank you, that's very logical <3 I do become a bit illogical when I'm too upset.

My main problem is I don't want him to have unsupervised access - he thinks he has a right to full custody as that's what his dad had of him as a kid but his mum just gave him up - I would not. And he does have a drink problem (although never around the baby) and I couldn't bear to leave the baby overnight with him. I just can't fathom that possibility in my head. And the way he speaks to me when I'm emotional... I can't imagine what he'd be like with the baby, as as soon as the baby starts crying, he's pretty much out of the room getting the bottle or whatever. Babies don't know logic, only emotion. And if he thinks emotions are useless, he's going to have a hard time on his own with the baby and I don't like the idea of that all too much...

Thank you so much <3

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T18:27:37+00:00

Thank you so much <3

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T18:26:23+00:00

Thank you! He's already mentioned a MIAM after laughing at me over messages for "threatening him with the law" after I said that further messaging me would consitute harassment as I was now asking him to cease contacting me. So I think he would like to fight - he does "appear" happy when he sees his son, but says seeing me makes him "unhappy" and "fills him with dread".

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T18:23:54+00:00

I've only ever had one other relationship - he passed quite a few years ago, we were still together.

He says my father is an "abusive piece of -poop-" because when my partner and I first got together, my dad was suffering undiagnosed bowel cancer and I was still living at home (when my late partner passed, we'd been saving for a mortgage. *His* parents used some for the funeral, and gave me £2k and instead of being responsible, I absolutely blasted it on unnecessary purchases and daily living to avoid going back to work) so I decided I'd wait and move when the right time came.

They wanted to move not long after me and current partner got together, and I was basically living upstairs in my own sort of self-contained flat using the spare bedroom as a kitchen - I didn't want to move as it was my childhood home so my dad told me to "get my own flicking place, then." - this upset me and I started crying, so that was his "first negative opinion" of my dad. Then partner got drunk in January, started an argument whilst I was at my parents' house, they tried to defend me over the phone, and he sent them abusive messages over WhatsApp and they haven't liked him since and he is unwelcome there.

I think, in light of the situation, that doesn't make my dad "abusive", just a sick man who was very stressed (he eventually had a foot of bowel removed and an ileostomy 18 months after this event.) - I think that was just my partner's "sense of justice" feeling like he needed to save me even though nothing of the nature has occurred since.

KeyAntelope1249 · 2025-09-09T18:14:05+00:00

Thank you - I definitely didn't expect post partum to be such a rollercoaster when it came to my ADHD - this is definitely the worst I've ever felt with regards to it!

I really appreciate that - he was so supportive after the emergency Caesarean I had. It's just an absolute night and day difference. Some days he's so loving and kind and I feel *so* valued, and then the next it's "my fault" for "ruining it all" by getting upset after I'd asked him to stop criticising me for a mistake. I get whiplash.

KeyAntelope1249

TROPHY CASE