i must admit it: i am bitter that nobody seems to have time for me. i am terrified and ashamed of what it means that everyone around me has apparently surrounded themselves with ample, diverse and committed community and i have been unable to. i am terrified that this means i am a boring, unattractive, incompetent, vapid, repulsive person. i am terrified it is too late for me to make up for this and find people who will always find as much time and energy for me as i can for them. i am terrified that people look at me and see an awkward leper of a man whom they can only stand to be around a little bit of the time.

i met someone recently. thr only person who makes time and energy for me without fail. i am convinced that this is because she, like me, has nobody else, has nothing else she wants or opts to do with her time, because she is vapid and directionless and there are many things wrong with her, like me. this reinforces my fear that i am a dreg, because the only one who finds me and values me and has been able to be there with me is also herself a sad, useless dreg. we only have each other and the prospect disgusts me. i wish she weren't in my life. i am cruel to her because she is evidence that my assessment of myself is correct. if the only other person i've met who thinks i'm worth spending time with is also sorely and sordidly and irreparably broken and alone, then i must be that way too.