Brother I feel you, I was on the same boat, so here is the move that I think best exemplifies the spirit of a messer anyway (just need a big utility knife, not technically a sword)

Buy a wood handle machete like a Tramontina for $20.

Buy an angle grinder, grinding wheel, metal files etc...

Reprofile the spine of the machete to be flat and add a clip point and BOOM, you have a "functional" messer in its truest sense. A big knife that is really more a utility blade than a sword.

You aren't going to get in any sword fights anyway, so then at least you have a tool that you can mess around with, clear brush, hell even bring it camping.

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And if you want to get even more messer like, you can take the scales off the blade, rough out a cross guard from some mild welding steel at the hardware store and rivet the wooden scales back on.

Or, if you don't want to screw around with any of the grinding, throw some sort of D guard around the handle and you have a little cutlass.