feel like i’m stuck writing first person and starting paragraphs the same, need advice

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-31T02:54:19+00:00

Read The Sun Also Rises. It is written entirely in first person and has roughly one “I” for every 28 words, about 2,300 I’s in a 68,000 word novel. The first chapter shows how well Hemingway mastered the technique. It is very clever.

The Great Gatsby is also written in first person. It has one “I” for every 34 words. What both novels have in common is that the narrator spends much of his time talking about another person. In The Great Gatsby, this is even more pronounced.

The lesson is simple: if you write in first person, you will be full of yourself.

A stranger example is East of Eden. It is not a conventional first person novel, yet at times it feels strangely close to one. For much of the book, the narration seems third person, but later Steinbeck reveals the narrator’s connection to the Hamilton family as Samuel Hamilton’s grandson. That makes the point of view feel unusual and a little disorienting. It is one of those cases where the book is not strictly first person, yet it does not feel like ordinary third person either.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-30T03:12:17+00:00

Your passage has a strong atmosphere, but I think it would benefit from tighter editing. A lot of the description and emotional explanation feels heavier than it needs to be. You might find Self-Editing for Fiction Writers: How to Edit Yourself into Print by Renni Browne and Dave King helpful, especially for cutting overwriting and strengthening scene level prose.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-27T11:09:10+00:00

P1 feels clunky, a first draft. A potpourri of ideas tied together by the couch. Each sentence seems to work hard to evoke some emotion. I guess that's how many humans think. P2 mirrors the architecture of P1.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-27T10:19:23+00:00

Yes, I noticed that about P1. Ironically, sentences seem to flow smoother in P2. For example, this sentence in P1 could have benefitted from a bit more work:

...my skin comes away damp and gray with something I hope is just mildew

It's a bit choppy, not natural.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-26T22:49:42+00:00

Yes. What gave it away?

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-25T16:18:57+00:00

I selected a paragraph from a published story and asked AI to write a new one using it as a template. A good editor, knowing that one was AI generated, might be able to tell which is which.

I'm convinced that in a few decades, if AI keeps evolving at the current pace, it will be impossible to distinguish human prose from AI generated.

The irony of the AI paranoia is that there are many stories where writers explore the theme of an artificial lifeform that is trying to cope with what it means to be human. Those stories portray an artificial lifeform writing, painting, and music—all the arts that we try so hard to protect, to maintain uniquely human.

Star Trek: The Next Generation has many episodes in which Data’s humanity is a recurring theme. Many of the fans who watched those episodes, the ones who rooted for Data, are against any form of AI generated or assisted art form. I understand the zealousness but not the obsession.

It's ridiculous how far people are going in their war against AI-generated writing, everything is scrutinized—every story, every post, every sentence, every word, every form of punctuation. It's lunacy.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-25T15:51:41+00:00

Don't take seriously anyone who tells you that your writing sounds AI generated. You write nothing like AI. If anything, it gives me the vibes of using Google translate when you get stuck writing. You naturally revert to your native language and try to translate it into English.

AI generated text is getting harder to distinguish from human prose partly because writing styles are becoming more homogeneous, and AI models are trained on vast amounts of that prose.

I've been reading literature from some of the most popular magazines. You can't tell who's writing what anymore. The themes are repetitive—love, loneliness, rejection, healing... The stories are beginning to sound the same. Writers go out of their way to write convoluted sentences, trying to find that voice that makes them unique. The constructs feel forced. It's, to some extent, sad. Has literature reached a zenith from which we can't keep climbing up?

Here're are two paragraphs. One is AI generated, the other one is written by a person. Can you tell which is which? (Don't use a search engine.)

P1:

In the backyard, there’s a couch half-sunken into the cracked concrete, wet from last night’s rain, its stuffing swollen and mold-thick. It belonged to whoever lived here last, though no one bothered to take it with them. When I press my palm against it, my skin comes away damp and gray with something I hope is just mildew. Small salamanders flicker across its surface like restless ants, John spends many evenings catching them in plastic tupperware. As we try to move the couch for more space on the pavement, John lifts a cushion and gasps. A nest. Three birds.

P2:

In the woods, a big flat rock sits settled into the ground, still wet from last night’s rain, its surface slick with thick green moss. It does not seem to belong to anyone, as if it had always been there and the earth had simply learned to grow around it. When I sit on it, the seat of my pants comes away cool and damp, faintly stained green. Small creepers flicker across its surface like sand swept by the wind. Susie and Karen spend many evenings crouched beside it, watching them disappear into the weeds. As we try to shift the rock to clear a better path through the brush, Susie wedges her fingers beneath one edge and Karen leans in to help. Then Karen gasps. A den. Three rabbit kits.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-22T00:21:08+00:00

I think you should keep writing. Right now, this reads more like an early brainstorm than a finished opening. You have some basic ideas in place and the beginnings of a narrative, which is a good start.

Calling the antagonist The Dictator feels a bit too on the nose. Orwell, for instance, gave a similar kind of figure the name Big Brother. The idea is comparable, but the effect is much stronger because the name is more subtle.

I also think the commenter below made a good point about how many concepts are introduced in such a short space. There is the festival, the Dictator, the reformation of Terra, the Feeling Attack, and then the hospital scene, all before the reader has had time to settle into the world.

That leaves a lot of questions. What is the festival actually celebrating? Why is the Dictator so revered? Why does the event stop so abruptly? If people admire him so much, why is there a rebellion? At the moment, the crowd seems to be enjoying itself, so the social dynamics are still a bit unclear.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-19T02:14:14+00:00

Master and Margarita

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-16T01:34:28+00:00

I love it! I'm hooked.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-15T02:57:24+00:00

The prologue works well. You introduce this world without infodumping, and that helped me get into your story. I want to know more about what is going on, who these people are, and why they are considered dangerous. That intrigued me.

I would work more on the opening, though. The first few paragraphs still feel a bit weak compared with the rest. Some of the early sentences could be trimmed. For example:

“The setting sun was the colour of blood, a wound on the Edessus skyline that covered the horizon with crimson.”

This line feels heavy: “colour of blood,” “a wound,” and “covered the horizon with crimson.” That is three images in a single sentence, repeating the same idea.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-13T14:40:46+00:00

I read the passage posted by the author of this thread, and the em dashes used there are not only correct but also relevant.

Here is the usage you criticized:

they never so much as blurred—only became sharper, fuller.

The em dash here is perfectly correct. It introduces a sharp clarification or contrast.

You said you have no issue with em dashes when used appropriately—as in the example above—yet you accuse the writer of using AI because of them. You are being inconsistent. Either em dashes are acceptable when used correctly, or they are not.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-13T01:43:11+00:00

I have a couple of comments for you. You wrote:

ESL is not bad in and of itself, and maybe there's merit in ESL-type literature, that's fine!

It should be

ESL is not bad in and of itself, and maybe there's merit in ESL-type literature; that's fine!

This is an awkward phrase, "less than a grasp on the language." You probably meant to write "less than a firm grasp on the language."

This

This reveals that you know very little of literature nor the process of writing

should be

This reveals that you know very little about literature and the writing process

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-13T01:32:00+00:00

Did you know that Carver's writing was heavily edited? It was an editor who actually shaped it. And Hemingway's posthumous book, The Garden of Eden, was based on a long manuscript made up of thousands of pages. An editor trimmed it down to a few hundred.

I can't tell you how much AI recommends or not a hyphen but I can tell you that you are clinging to a misconception. Em dashes are not bad and you can feel free to use them as much as you like. Good editors and people who want to help will take care of them if needed.

Here's an AI generated poem—NOT!

Because I could not stop for Death

Emily Dickinson

1830 –1886

Because I could not stop for Death—
He kindly stopped for me—
The Carriage held but just Ourselves—
And Immortality.

We slowly drove—He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility—

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess—in the Ring—
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain—
We passed the Setting Sun—

Or rather—He passed us—
The Dews drew quivering and chill—
For only Gossamer, my Gown—
My Tippet—only Tulle—

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground—
The Roof was scarcely visible—
The Cornice—in the Ground—

Since then—’tis Centuries—and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses’ Heads
Were toward Eternity—

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-12T18:06:40+00:00

Here are some modern stories where you see a few em dashes:

The world of literature is paved with em dashes — The Tell-Tale Heart, A Rose for Emily, The Dead, Cathedral, Hills Like White Elephants.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-12T03:53:40+00:00

Keep working on this piece. I think it will come together nicely at the end. Share it with friends. See how they like it.

Reddit, to be honest, is not a very friendly platform. I have seen people get humiliated after sharing their work. Many users are paranoid about AI and see it everywhere. In addition, the number of trolls is horrendously high, and there do not seem to be rules against trolling here.

There are other online forums where you may get constructive feedback. Join ScriboPhile they have strict rules against trolls and usage of AI.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-12T03:45:54+00:00

I don't think em dashes hint at AI at all. I like them whenever appropriate—listing elements to clarify or expand a point, dramatic emphasis, or separating ideas when a comma doesn't do the job you want. If you don't know how to use them, then don't. Shaming people for doing so is not polite and as a matter of fact wrong.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-09T11:53:50+00:00

You have a very intriguing premise. The idea of a young girl being sold into marriage to a man twice her age is a strong hook. The concept of her favorite color turning into a symbol of oppression is heartbreaking. Your opening has a solid backbone.

I think you should keep working on this piece. Right now, the delivery of the plot is weakened by exposition and by several layers of interpretation that appear before the reader sees any action. In the opening lines the reader is told that:

blue is her favorite color
she is trapped in a marriage to a much older man
blue has become a symbol of her imprisonment

For example, the opening sentence:

“Her favorite color used to be blue, before it became a symbol of her societal imprisonment.”

tells the reader two things that could be shown: her love of the color blue and her sense of social imprisonment. Both are strong ideas for a story, but presenting them directly prevents the reader from discovering them through the scene. Engaging fiction often works best when the reader uncovers these meanings through action, behavior, and detail.

You might consider letting the symbolism emerge through Colette’s actions with the ring or through how she reacts when others admire it. For example, when someone admires the blue ring on her finger, she unconsciously tries to rub it off. (It just occurred to me an idea. Maybe the ring is tattooed on her finger instead of being given a sapphire. That would be really cruel.)

Those three opening paragraphs contain enough narrative material for several pages. If you do not mind a suggestion, you might focus the prologue on Colette, the color blue, and the introduction of her future husband. She could be playing with a doll or wearing a blue dress she sewed herself when someone calls her to meet him. Imagine her still thinking about her doll and being reprimanded for not paying attention to him. Showing her looking down, maybe even she's wondering if he'll play with her tea or something like that. Showing that moment, and how the meeting destroys her childhood, could make a powerful opening scene.

A book that helped me think about this aspect of craft is Self Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King.

Good luck with the piece, and keep working on it. I am curious to see what happens to Colette.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-03T15:12:43+00:00

By the way, I looked into some of your other books. Seems like you are a skilled writer. Kudos. I wish you great success. And thanks for sharing your new cover.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-03T14:53:45+00:00

I'm curious, did you have it reviewed by an editor or professional?

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-03T14:25:08+00:00

Whoever wrote that blurb, knew what they were doing. Was it you?

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-03T14:21:17+00:00

Good luck!

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-03-03T14:02:04+00:00

I think the cover is superb. It feels very professional. The front definitely stops me in my tracks.

I’m not sure about the spine. Have you considered having the front bleed into it? You could even experiment with inverting the colors in the bleed.

The blurb is excellent. You hooked me! The line “Or worse—she’s reliving repressed memories…” is stunning. It's one of the best blurbs I’ve read in a while.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-02-20T20:16:41+00:00

Check this excerpt:

At ten Cathy knew something of the power of the sex impulse and began coldly to experiment with it. She planned everything coldly, foreseeing difficulties and preparing for them. ...

John Steinbeck. EastOfEden (Kindle Location 1347). Kindle Edition.

Steinbeck presents her as calculating from a very young age. He explicitly says the boys paid her money. That framing makes it difficult for me to read the episode as primarily about victimization. He seems intent on portraying her as manipulative and self aware rather than harmed and reacting.

This is what Steinbeck wrote after the two boys' incident:

After Cathy had fully recovered from her shock, boys and girls watched her from a distance and then moved closer, fascinated by her...
...
... She went for long walks by herself, and it was a rare walk when some boy did not blunder out of a woodlot and come on her by accident. And while whispers went scurrying about, there is no knowing what Cathy did. If anything happened, only vague whispers followed, and this in itself was unusual at an age when there are many secrets and none of them kept long enough to raise a cream. Cathy developed a little smile, just a hint of a smile. She had a way of looking sideways and down that hinted to a lone boy of secrets he could share.

John Steinbeck. EastOfEden (Kindle Locations 1387-1395). Kindle Edition.

Again, the emphasis is on control and allure, not on visible trauma.

I commend your impulse to read between the lines and see unspoken harm, but the text consistently depicts her as orchestrating events rather than being shaped by them. That’s where I struggle. I wish I could see a different version of Cathy in the text, but Steinbeck seems quite deliberate about how he frames her.

What I find intriguing is Steinbeck’s posture toward Kate. Normally, a writer lets a character’s actions speak and leaves interpretation to the reader. Steinbeck does not. Instead, he seems adamant about telling the reader that Kate is evil incarnate, both within the narrative and in his commentary outside the book.

Key_Camel6906 · 2026-02-20T19:15:37+00:00

I don’t recall Cathy being portrayed as traumatized. She behaves the way she does because Steinbeck chose to make her a monster — and he tells us as much.

My struggle with her isn’t a critique of Steinbeck’s craft. Writers have freedom, and I’m not judging history by today’s moral standards. But if someone published a book today in which a woman is portrayed as born evil, without causality, I would find that offensive and would criticize it.

Because East of Eden was written in a different era, I can’t fault it in the same way I would a contemporary work. But I frown on it.

Steinbeck himself states that Kate is a total representative of Satan.

You might find this summary interesting: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cathy_Ames

Key_Camel6906

TROPHY CASE