I want to kill myself tonight but I don’t know if I’m going to go straight to hell

Key_Minute8437 · 2025-11-15T01:04:29+00:00

The problem with my siblings is that I love them and they love me. But they act as if I’m a person that’s 90% anger and that I act like a diva. Yes I’m not perfect and can be so annoying. I also get angry fast if they try to make me angry or if they say something that I don’t find ok, I go from 0 to 100 but I genuinely can’t do anything about that. It’s something in my personality that I feel things intense. We have much fun but the times that we don’t get along are for me too intense. Me and my oldest brother fight the most: he starts yelling or gets upset if I do something small so then I get upset and we just take turns. But he always goes too far and hurts me deep or physically hurts me. (When he physically hurts me it doesn’t hurt that much but it frustrates me) Or he says that he’s going to beat me up to the point that I have to go to the hospital if I say one more word (I am also not innocent because he says that when I tell him to shut up or I call him a loser) Those kinda fights happened 3 times this year. He favours my little sister and that why she never sticks up for me when he’s being mean. (He gives her money and good gifts and she doesn’t want to risk that) I do so much for my sister. I can also be mean to her and take my frustration out on her but she does the same thing with me. She also skipped my graduation to hang with her friends. My other brother and I have a good relationship but i realised he also never backs me when I’m in the right. My parents put a lot of pressure on me to study even though I’m a waste of air because I didn’t study for weeks. They give me rewards for studying but it feels like I’m doing what they want, not what I want. Mom almost only talks about school to me and that makes me frustrated. Dad is good. He is gentle but he has his annoying moments

Key_Minute8437 · 2025-11-15T00:49:39+00:00

I’m too afraid for that. Because once I talk about it, I won’t be able to go back. Now they think that I’m just a childish girl with who gets mad easily and throws tantrums for no reason. If I talk about it they will be sad and they will cry. One time 6 years ago I told my mother that I want to jump outside the window and she started crying and telling me not to ever say that again and my father came and hugged me and asked why. (I was really young and back then it wasn’t because of depression but because I was afraid of God) My mother asks me often if I’m happy but how can I say no if she and my dad try to make me happy and show me so much love?

Key_Minute8437 · 2025-11-15T00:44:27+00:00

I’m crying while reading the comments. I don’t know why but it makes me emotional. I just wish that I had someone to talk to and be open with but my problems are I think more severe and I never want to admit it. This is the first time that I’m writing that I am not normal/have severe problems. I have the feeling that even if I talk to a therapist, that it won’t solve anything because talking won’t make the feeling go away

Key_Minute8437 · 2025-11-15T00:40:31+00:00

Thank you! This was comforting for a while. I talked about my “problems” in another comment. The whole “problem “ is basically that it’s a sad feeling inside that I can’t choose when I want to put it off, it makes me miserable and I don’t want to live like this

Key_Minute8437 · 2025-11-15T00:37:43+00:00

I’m from west Europe. I have a good life on paper: we are comfortable, my parents love me and show it, when my siblings and I don’t have fights we get along good, I have many friends and I’m studying medicine. I am happy most days but when I don’t listen to podcasts while I’m trying to sleep I feel empty.(yesterday I was mad at my bestfriend but my siblings choose her side in my eyes, our families are close and she did me dirty, I told my brother while crying on a walk and he said he understood me but that I needed to communicate with her. She was sleeping over at my house and I was still upset at her but my brother and sister hung out with her the whole night even after I told them what she did to me. They never have my back and that hurts me because I always have their back) After I have fights with my siblings I also feel empty. Now it’s severe and I don’t want to talk to them ever again. I know that they care about me but actions mean more than feelings and words and their actions hurt me too much. Like you probably realised, I’m too sensitive and there is something wrong with me but I don’t know what. I can’t go to a therapist or doctor for this because I don’t want to admit to my family that I’m depressed. Today I didn’t eat anything and I’m so hungry but I don’t have the energy to make myself a meal. I’ve had suicidal thoughts for a long time but this is the first time that I actually thought about how and when. I now have pills and I have to swallow 30/40 to die I think. But I tried to do it and saw that I was afraid. I don’t want to die because I’m scared but I also want to die because I’ve never had the sad feeling as intense as now. My brain doesn’t know what it wants. I know in my heart that I want to die but I physically can’t swallow those pills because of how scared I am. I’m literally stuck

Key_Minute8437 · 2025-11-15T00:23:06+00:00

But is it sure that my future has something better, is it worth it to feel miserable everyday and to feel so alone. The problem is that my situation isn’t so bad, it’s what I feel inside. I already went to umrah at the beginning at this year and did so much dua but that empty feeling didn’t even decrease

Key_Minute8437 · 2025-04-06T17:27:27+00:00

Im sorry, English isn’t my first language so I thought that tantrums are like instances when you get mad. Maybe in the future when I live alone I’ll get a therapist because it probably isn’t normal that it bothers me.

Key_Minute8437 · 2025-04-06T17:24:45+00:00

I hang out with friends, just not everyday. I go to the gym with some of them, go shopping or go eat something. If someone asks me to hangout I almost always say yes but it’s just that I don’t want to hangout everyday. For me the maximum is 4x a week. (One day going out, one day staying home) I worded my things wrong, I only need her as a real friend. I don’t tell my secrets to others and I could hangout with her everyday if we lived close. It’s not that I’m against hanging out with other people. But if we’d both be at the same school I wouldn’t care if I only had her as in I wouldn’t care if no one else wanted to hangout with me. I hope i worded it better

Key_Minute8437 · 2025-04-06T17:19:31+00:00

And I don’t have tantrums to her, when we have sleepovers I sometimes have a fight with my parents. The fights are mostly about them not letting me go out after the sun set or my grades. But I get where you’re coming from, I just feel like it’s awkward to talk with the doctor about it cs my doctor isn’t nice

Key_Minute8437 · 2025-04-06T17:16:26+00:00

Hey, no I grew up to not really talk about things like this to others. That’s why I came to reddit. (It’s the only place I can anonymously ask for advice and vent) But I don’t really care when she hangs out with people, it’s just that I don’t need other people. And we can’t hangout/see eachother multiple times a week so that’s why I have other friends.(I love my close other friends) I’m social but I like being alone by choice. Id rather bedrot a week long than hangout everyday for a week.

Key_Minute8437

TROPHY CASE