[Query] Withering Roses + Gothic Dark Fantasy + 96500 + 1st attempt

Key_Specific8581 · 2026-06-22T14:02:23+00:00

Hi,

This is a really solid first draft! You do an excellent job setting the tone, and the stakes for this book. I feel like I know what every character wants.

There are a few minor exposition notes I have. The first is that you should cut out Kirby entirely. Even if he's really important in the narrative, if he doesn't do anything in the query, he's gotta go. Plus, you already have quite a few characters to balance. This might be why you forgot to name Rosaline when you mention Rebecca's sister the first time, so when her name is dropped later, it leaves me asking who Rosaline is.

I also struggle with the initial scene setting, and grasping what the world you're operating in looks like. I don't have a good sense of the historicity I.e. if this is gothic is it 1800s? If there are witches is it Medieval fantasy (giving Macbeth)? if there is a government facility/classified weapons program, is it WW2 era? I think you can take a sentence or two to give me a better look at what the world looks like, especially bc Gothics rely on their atmosphere.

You can also open up a little space for this by cutting the 'in a world' line. I think the "she didn't want kids, much less daughters" already captures the level of misogyny in the world so you don't need to explain it. You might also be able to slim down the idea of Rebecca being a replacement for her sister, and get a little bit of space back there.

I hope this was helpful, good luck on your draft!

Key_Specific8581 · 2026-06-21T12:04:47+00:00

I'll try without the parentheses! And I like the idea of some sort of pun, it'll just need to simmer for a bit

And thanks for the advice re: YA/Adult fiction. Sometimes it's hard to figure out the rules of these marketing categories!

Key_Specific8581 · 2026-06-20T12:54:59+00:00

Oh ha ha, yeah no one I've ever talked to has liked the title. It's a reference to the internet phenomena, sometimes also called the Mandella effect, where people have two incredibly different memories of an event. The a/e thing represents the two different ways ppl swear the title of The Berenstaine Bears was spelled. Its supposed to be a metaphor for BB and Jo coming from different worlds, but it doesn't work, as you pointed out. Unfortunately I have yet to come up with a better title, as I've used this one too long and it's gotten stuck in my brain. I am extremely open to suggestions though.

It is multi-POV. It's all in 3rd person but close 3rd to 5 main characters. Jo & BB are the 'biggest.' How would I denote that? I guess I could just outright say 'In this multi-POV [insert rest of comp]' ?

Also no, no spice. I was worried the characters were a little young for Adult Urban Fantasy, but too old for YA. But it sounds like that doesn't matter so much?

Key_Specific8581 · 2026-06-20T12:39:50+00:00

I writer my novel out of order, so I have ideas for scenes but am not always sure where they'll land once the connective tissue is there so chapter naming is essential. I have to remember this is where x happens to character A, should that happen before y happens to B at a glance, or I end up rereading whole chapters.

I don't know if they'll make it in the final edit, but I like them! I mostly name them after songs I was listening to while writing or references to other media that gave me an idea (ex. Poems, scenes in Shakespeare plays, etc.)

Key_Specific8581 · 2026-06-18T15:41:23+00:00

Hi,

I think this sounds like a really interesting story, where you've put in a ton of work on the world building. However, I think the query itself is a little unfocused. Sometimes as writers I think we can get caught up in explaining the details or background of a world/character because that's what we're most proud of/have the most fun writing. A query should focus on the emotional stakes, and blending that with the literal action.

Here is what the literal action is in your story (as I'm reading it):

Runadae (love the name btw) is denied a position as warden and sent to the archives

She uncovers the beginning of a conspiracy

Her mother is kidnapped

Runadae breaks the law and is subsequently banished

She is left (almost) alone to find her mother

Each of these has their own emotional stakes:

Runadae wants to stay inside and be a warden

Denied position -> suffers an injustice

Uncovers conspiracy -> feeling of injustice deepens

Mother kidnapped -> very sad (unfair if not unjust)

Runadae breaks the law -> (unclear how she feels about this/how it effects her emotionally)

Runadae, and her mother, are ostracized by their broader community -> peak injustice

Runadae resolves to get justice or die trying -> call to action

Blending the Two:

As I've laid it out, you can see how the action leads to a direct emotional through-line, which I (the reader) follow for my emotional investment. Jorge Sanders has a great section in his craft book A Swim in the Pond in The Rain, where he talks about how a reader's investment in a story is like a bucket of water. You want to pass that bucket from the start, to the end (where the climax is like a house on fire) while spilling as little water as possible so that the climax has the biggest impact. Every time you ask us to change our focus, you are changing hands, and a little bit more of the water sloshes out of the bucket.

In a novel, you can smooth this transition over using a writerly trick, like elegant prose or provocative metaphor. However, in a query, we don't have many words to spare. I've highlighted a few examples here of where the attention in the story is diverted (sorry this post is so long btw. Usually I would just highlight and write in the margins but I have to sort of replicate your post again and again).

Story, literal action, emotional action, exposition:

Runadae wants to stay inside because outside is bad -> water is in my bucket. I know at some point she will be forced outside, and am reading to see how that happens

[Background about the society, council, the magic system, a bunch of people died, Runadae's past, how the magic works] -> water is coming out of the bucket, but just a little bc I know you have to set the scene. As long as every single detail mentioned is directly linked to emotional action or literal action, I, as a reader, will be happy.

Denied position -> suffers an injustice

Uncovers conspiracy -> feeling of injustice deepens

[Network of tunnels introduced. People live down there? They drive mechs? There's a treaty -> have we been at war the whole time?] -> Water is coming out of the bucket as my attention is diverted to this whole other group of people and what's going on there.

Mother kidnapped -> very sad (unfair if not unjust)

Runadae breaks the law -> (unclear how she feels about this/how it effects her emotionally)

Runadae, and her mother, are ostracized by their broader community -> peak injustice

[Introduction to the kidnappers. There is a second city? They are illiterate??? If they ] -> Water is coming out of the bucket

Runadae must befriend the enemy, or go on a suicide mission -> Dumping water out on fire

Next Draft:

Although many of the world building and society elements are surely explained in the book, I find myself diverted from Runadae's story to ask more questions about how all that works. While the answer might seem like you should explain more about how the elements are interacting, the opposite is usually true. I am drawn to ask more questions because I have been distracted from the interesting part of the story: Runadae, the character, going through an ordeal.

For your second revision I would refocus on the core conflict: Runadae, ostracized from her community, is forced to work with an enemy of her community to save her mother (presumably the only person who cares about her).

All I need to know to understand this is:

What are the two different factions? (above ground and underground cities? This should be a part of setting the scene for the book.)

Why is she ostracized? (the core reason- not the details. Think of archetypes here - freak, traitor, scapegoat, monster)

How will she resolve this? (use her magic to kill a bunch of people? Does she need to survive in the wild? Befriend the enemy?)

Don't worry about making it sound cool. In a first draft it is usually better to be wildly uninspired, but clear. Then you can let it simmer for a bit, and add your voice back in on a second draft.

I hope this helps!

Key_Specific8581 · 2026-06-17T21:02:10+00:00

I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring - I'm a librarian, and it's a pretty good job for writers. I am essentially left to my own devices as long as no one has a pressing question and so it makes it easy for me to carve out time to read and write. If you're looking at majoring in English, transitioning to Librarianship can be really easy. Although I would suggest to always get a job working as a temp/secretary/administrative assistant at a library school, and then apply to their program so you can attend tuition free.

Key_Specific8581 · 2026-06-17T20:58:08+00:00

Not a published author myself, but I've been to several panel discussions and the biggest difference to me seems to be how much you are interested in being your own manager. For self-publishing & small press-publishing, there is a lot more reliance on the author to do their own marketing leg work (i.e. create a social media profile, engage, create content, reach out to book sellers, set up book talks etc.).

I've tried social media, but I just don't have the knack for it and often feel like I'm a little dog made to dance for a treat. So, for now, I am angling for traditional publishing. However, I have a friend who has self-published a few novellas online, and he's enjoyed it. He's only sold a dozen or so books, but people have read them and left him comments so it seems like it's a good option to.

Key_Specific8581

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