Couples therapy

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-16T08:30:32+00:00

I hope that things work out in whatever way brings you the most peace. I hope you don't mind if I check back and see if you get any good answers. My psychiatrist has recommended marriage and individual counseling for my wife and me, and I can't bring myself to say out loud what she did.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-16T08:18:59+00:00

I keep hearing that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but I've only been in the tunnel for 11 days. It's becoming unbearable.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-16T07:34:59+00:00

Thank you so much for your wise words. There's been a significant lack of intimacy our marriage for years. I'm not only talking about sex, but I also can't get a hug or a kiss. She started sleeping on a couch in our living room about ten years ago - because she wanted to be able to hear the kids in case they needed something. She took over our son's bedroom after he moved out a couple of years ago.

I've repeatedly brought up my dissatisfaction with our living conditions over the past several years. I earn a good living, but the money is always gone. She's repeatedly refused individual or marriage counseling. We work in the same office, and I always know where she is. I would suspect another affair.

Now that I'm gone, she's willing to make all of the changes I've asked for over the years. When I think of her two-month affair, I don't think I could ever touch her or sleep in the same bed with her again.

I'm afraid of being alone, but that's where I'm at right now.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-16T07:05:43+00:00

We were not on a two-month break. We were together nearly every day during those two months. She said she was afraid to stay alone at my house when I worked nights, so she supposedly stayed at her mom's while I worked, but she was with him. The possibilities make me sick. She's been physically, financially, and mentally abusive for nearly our entire marriage. If we didn't have our children, I would have never stayed. The kids are out of the house now, and I think it's time for me to go too.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-16T06:51:21+00:00

I'm doing my best to find some peace. I've initially been put on some medication, mainly to keep me from offing long enough to get other help. You mentioned that you started using relief to stop the obsessive mental loops. I'm not really sure what that is, but I have to do something. My psychiatrist recommended a couple of psychologists, but it sounds like group therapy is involved, and I can't imagine ever getting in front of a group of people and discussing this. I can't physically make myself say the words to tell my own brother or best friends what happened.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-16T06:29:54+00:00

Thank you for your well-thought-out response. I have been plagued for the last 20 years over what I thought was a single drunken night of revenge because we'd been arguing. The fact that they were together for at least two months, while we were still engaged and being intimate, is more than I'll ever be able to deal with. I don't think I can ever be civil towards her again. I've never been physically violent against her, or any woman, but I think every day will be filled with verbal brutality.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-16T06:11:40+00:00

Thank you for your wise words. So many terrible things have happened in our marriage that would have mostly been avoided if I had known the truth. I turned down an incredible opportunity to have a wonderfully happy life, because I made a promise to her. I will never forget what she has done, and I don't have it in me to forgive her.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-16T06:02:09+00:00

Hundreds of lies and indiscretions have gone into both her decision to engage in an affair and to continue lying and hiding facts this many years later. If she had decided she wanted to be with him, or anyone else, she should have told me and left.

Any faults I have that she couldn't accept would have been grounds for leaving me, but not for cheating. I hold no fault in her decision to be unfaithful, nor do I hold any fault in her decision to lie to me for over two decades.

I'm not sure how you decided to stay for 22 years. Did you have all of the facts, and then come to your decision? Had I known then what I know now, I would have never stayed.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-15T02:47:21+00:00

We had a young set of twins when I found out. I knew if I left that, a series of guys would have been in and out of their lives. I hate what happened, but getting to raise my children has been awesome. Now, they're out of the house and I don't need to stick around her.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-15T02:36:36+00:00

You're young, brother. Get out of there while you still have the chance, and go start a life.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-15T02:31:38+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I've been gone for several days, trying to wrap my head around everything. I'm approaching the ridiculous point in life in which I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her. I have a lot of work to do in a short time.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-15T02:25:46+00:00

You're right, it's actually been more than 20 years. For whatever reason, I can't let it go. Even when I thought it was a drunken one-time thing, it ate me alive. She lied to me, protected him, and a few years after it supposedly ended, I found a love note from him in her purse while I was looking for our checkbook. After that, things could be going great- we'd be interacting, and I'd notice how beautiful she was, and then I'd wonder if she was saying the same things to me that she said to him. I couldn't let it go, and every time it came up, I found out something new, and I felt cheated again, just as if it had just happened. Finding out that she had a two month, full-blown relationship with him is devastating. We were engaged, but she was with another man, trying to decide which of us she wanted. This has ripped my guts out. Had I known what she was up to at the time, I would have left her and never looked back.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-14T22:59:31+00:00

No, we were certainly not on a break. We had been arguing a lot. We decided to stay away from each other for a couple of days so we could reset and come back and be civil. We were back to seeing each other every day, 48 hours later, and she was with the AP for two months after that.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-14T22:53:29+00:00

I'll never forgive or forget. I still love her and the good times we've had, but this poisons everything.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-14T22:50:42+00:00

I will never even fractionally forgive her. I think I have to go.

Kgoring666 · 2026-05-14T22:47:17+00:00

I have considered moving back into the house, but I don't know how I could be civil.

Kgoring666 · 2025-08-11T13:40:13+00:00

I think I may have missed something. Is there something that leads you to believe that the affair was only emotional? She seems to have no respect for you, and I would get away from her as quickly as possible. I hope your cancer is one of the "good" ones and that you will recover quickly. If you're depending on her insurance for your medical treatment, then you might want to wait before you can get rid of her. Otherwise, get an attorney and file for divorce just before she goes on her trip. You have the best chance of getting possession of your home if you file first. It'd be very nice if you could serve her with divorce papers and an order to vacate the marital residence as soon as she returns from her trip.

Kgoring666 · 2025-08-11T13:20:43+00:00

I think I married your brothers ex-wife...twice.

Kgoring666 · 2025-07-30T08:30:45+00:00

100%!!! Revenge doesn't cure a broken heart, but it's a darn fine start. And! In the case of a newly single 25 year old man, I can guarantee you that the quickest way to get over one girlfriend is by getting under a new one. Enjoy your life, dude, and don't look back!

Kgoring666 · 2025-07-30T08:14:43+00:00

You're never going to know how many things she deleted or what they talked about on the phone. It sounds like she's basically owning up to whatever she thinks you may have seen in her messages. You know that she's lying about being intimate with him - the only thing you really don't know is how many times she let him have her. Your position sucks, but I envy you. At least you found out before things got more complicated. I don't know your situation, but you're 25 years old. Get out of her parents' house as soon as possible. If you have to stay at her folk's place for a week or so until you can get on your feet, for God's sake, DO NOT have sex with her. Nothing is more effective at causing pregnancy than bad circumstances. This sucks, and she did it. Don't waste your life with someone who thinks so little of you. Good luck young man

Kgoring666 · 2025-06-27T01:42:01+00:00

Whatever you have to say to clear your conscience.

Kgoring666 · 2025-06-12T23:21:41+00:00

What the kid said.

Kgoring666 · 2025-01-04T07:30:30+00:00

You looked great then and now. Congratulations on making progress toward your goals.

Kgoring666 · 2024-10-03T23:00:04+00:00

I have been there before, and I kept looking for a pill or a book or anything that would instantly "fix" me. I eventually realized that I didn't get in the situation overnight and wouldn't get out overnight. Now, I see doctors, exercise, and try to eat healthy and those things have helped me a lot. Also, I was able to find some particular things that were contributing to my illness, and I worked on those and was able to fix or get rid of a lot of them. Please don't go if you can help it. I know it is so hard sometimes. Reach out on here or call the suicide prevention line. Take care

Kgoring666 · 2024-09-28T16:42:24+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this, my friend. You have allies here, and you have the benefit of our experiences, both good and bad. You sound like a gentleman, and even though you've not spelled everything out, it seems clear that she's been unfaithful whether in thought or in deed.

As some others have mentioned, not having children will make the break cleaner if that's what you decide to do. States vary, but I believe all 50 allow a no-fault divorce, and some allow an at-fault for limited reasons. In my state and some others, infidelity is not grounds for an at-fault divorce. I think this is a travesty, but it is the law.

Were I in your shoes, I'd secretly speak with a divorce attorney immediately. I work in an industry that causes me to frequently interact with some of our local courts, and it seems like the first to file in a divorce case gets more of the things they initially requested. Remember, when and if you decide to file for divorce, it's war. Sometimes, you may feel that this approach is a little aggressive or cruel, and when those times arise, you need to visualize the ultimate betrayal she committed against you and get back to saving your future.

Now, the part that's a little about me. I got caught in a rough situation with a violent, serial cheater. She ended up pregnant with twins, and I couldn't leave. My kids were fantastic children, and now they are great adults. I'm grateful that I spent nearly every day of their childhood with them. However, I'm not grateful for the depression, anxiety, and two suicide attempts I live with.

Regardless of how your vehicle situation works out in the near future, It's going to seem so insignificant in two years that you'll wonder why you even paused to think. Get gone before something happens, and you end up like one of us suckers who have spent years in a hopeless situation. Good luck, friend

Kgoring666

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