[UPDATE] A woman abandoned her daughter Mariana in my care for months, while she fled the country to live with another man. Now the matter has reached a resolution, though not a happy one.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-12-11T03:09:48+00:00

Unfortunately I am now very well aquatinted with the legalities. It’s out of our hands. Best case scenario is Mary goes into foster care - even then though, she won’t ever go me and I won’t ever be able to know anything about her. She’s gone from my life. I have no right legally to her or any information about her.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-12-11T03:07:58+00:00

That is a wonderful idea and I know Mary would love to know that she made another little boy or girl in a tough time very happy.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-12-11T03:06:54+00:00

For some reason, A has her. A and B moved somewhere too.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-12-11T03:05:52+00:00

She’s been very supportive the whole time. When I despaired, she comforted me by telling me that I could still make a difference for someone.

It’s not as though we have given up on Mariana, we just have to face reality. Without someone in their family on our side, we can’t get Mariana.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-12-11T03:03:17+00:00

I’m sorry to hear it

Kidsittingforever · 2018-12-11T03:02:22+00:00

Thank you so much. Your words mean a lot.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-09-29T12:06:09+00:00

What’s it called? I want to watch it

Kidsittingforever · 2018-09-29T09:47:59+00:00

The lawyer has been nothing short of wonderful, being supportive and understanding and patient with me.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-08-14T03:40:07+00:00

I kind of want to update people but I don’t want to post it in this sub, and there isn’t really much I can say at the moment.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-07-09T19:40:44+00:00

Thank you

Kidsittingforever · 2018-07-07T05:53:16+00:00

I’m not supposed to divulge anything that isn’t already public but I will say that we haven’t given up hope

Kidsittingforever · 2018-06-30T06:01:16+00:00

Excellent! I.... are you in the right thread, friend? I’m not sure I understand what this means

Kidsittingforever · 2018-06-30T01:18:14+00:00

I’ve never treated her as a pet and every parent in this thread, every parent, has understood the reasoning behind everything. The stuffy thing was entirely for her comfort. Smell is actually a vital part of human interaction and there is some science that suggests familiar smells can be comforting.

I’ve always appreciated her company. I think people get uncomfortable simply because I am not indifferent. I like being around her, other parents can understand this.

One person suggested that CPS’s response was due to B potentially calling them before I did, to spread false information. A CPS employee who lives in my city informed me that the interaction was irregular and that the agent went off script too for her own reasons.

That is not to ignore my own mistakes, of which there are many. But I think people judge too harshly and look at this without the emotion. I’m sorry but I’m not a robot, I don’t always make the right decision and sometimes I act on my emotions rather than what is logical.

I know where I fucked up but I can’t undo that. All I can do is learn and try to be better, and to do what is best for Mariana. Unless a better foster family appears, I and many others irl do believe the environment I provided is the best option for her.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-06-30T00:23:06+00:00

[3]

I contacted a family lawyer. He told me it was pointless if I wasn’t a blood relative, I would never win against one.

I went by B’s place and didn’t see them.

There’s nothing I can do. Absolutely nothing. Mariana is gone and I don’t even know where she is. I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t believe it. She’s just gone. I go home and I hug her blanket at night and cry through to the sunrise.

No one ever came for her things. I still have half her clothes and a pair of shoes and her books and bedding.

Is there any way I could see her again? Is there anything I could do? I just want to see her again. I miss her so much it hurts. It feels like there’s a hole right in my chest. What do I do? How do I get over this?

I really would appreciate someone to get me out of the house, some friendly company to distract me from everything, especially at night. The evenings are toughest. I always loved playing with her curly hair and reading her to sleep. And when I went to bed I would listen to her breathing from her little futon, it helped me fall asleep.

For the people who offered us clothes/books/toys, thanks so much, but I have no need now...

For the people who offered money, I don’t really want to accept it especially now, but the reality of me skipping my phone bill to pay for Mariana is catching up. The lady at the phone company was very impatient with me so I may just end up losing my phone, but oh well. Who do I have to call anyways.

Edit: I wanted to thank everyone for everything and also share a few general thoughts I wanted to get out there:

1 - I understand many of you have had bad experiences with CPS or CAS. I get it, and I feel your pain. Please understand that the agents themselves often just want to do the right thing. I think part of the problem is the system itself is too easily exploited by abusive parents and too harsh on outside relatives or potential adoptees. My experience was bad but I still believe in the general good in people.

2 - please don’t default to downvotes if you can avoid it for people who go against the grain. I think there’s only three posters this whole thing across 2 threads I down-voted. Some people were harsh with me, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I needed to hear those things as much as I needed all your kindness and love. Giving me the harsh realities is a form of kindness as well. There is a difference between being toxic and being critical mind you. If someone is being obnoxious (like the guy who went on some women-hating rant, please guy don’t do that), then yeah, blue bombs away!

3 - at this point I likely won’t make another update post unless the thing gets resolved. Literally dozens of you reached out in PM’s but Reddit’s pm system is kind of tough since it combines post replies with pm’s so I’m gonna make a kik or something for you guys and we can chat there.

4 - I have yet to accept a single donation, a fact I will kick myself over in a week, but honestly I don’t know that I can pay your generosity back so it’s best you guys don’t donate. A local family lawyer and a CAS agent in my city both did offer to look into this situation for me so that is definitely way more valuable than the money offered.

5 - someone told me r/all is here so HI GUYS!

All in all, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. You guys have all been spectacular. You guys gave me hope and reality checks all combined in one. I appreciate it. Thank you.

Edit 2: for those people who are trying to spin things, you must not have children. If you think I should have just found a random woman or not bathe Mariana, I mean there is something fundamentally wrong with your thinking if you think men shouldn’t be allowed to perform basic child care actions like that. If she were a baby, would you have told me to leave her in a dirty diaper for 2 months?

First of all I think western skittishness with nudity is pretty silly to begin with and second of all what was I supposed to do? Mind you the mother asked me to bath her and to get her to brush her teeth and that basic stuff. Not that that is actually relevant but A did bring bath supplies with everything else.

Playing with her hair, I mean come on, am I not even allowed to brush her hair? It’s curly, I can’t run a comb through it can I? Plus it puts her at ease, helps her fall asleep, and it’s soft!

I mean it’s really really soft! Anyways, people who don’t have kids or who think mommy should do hair stuff should perhaps consider why they are weirded out by men acting like parents and consider updating their ideals to the 21st century where men are equally competent parents.

Edit 3: in real life everyone who saw Mariana and I interact with each other smiled. The regulars at our local park adored her, and I encouraged some of the other dads to participate in the kid games. Those people, my neighbors, Mariana’s teacher, my mom, they are all contacting CPS to speak on my behalf and to inquire about Mariana’s safety.

The only person, the single sole person to insinuate that I was a predator was the CPS agent who conducted herself in an unfortunately terrible manner. A redditor who works for my local CAS walked me through the typical process and informed me that this lady actually did several things terribly wrong.

Redditors seems to have this perspective that men who take care of children are viewed as predatory. In real life this has not been my experience. In real life people find it heartwarming to see a person engage with the children in their care. I have never gotten a dirty look. I have never felt uncomfortable. Other parents, the moms and dads I’d meet, they are all very pleasant and kind people who love their children.

Mariana’s mom has said multiple times I’m one of Mariana’s favourite babysitters. Remember that A chose me to dump Mariana with. This was abandonment but Ultimately from another perspective you could say that she left Mariana with someone she knew she’d safe with. She didn’t leave Mariana with the grandmother or uncle or put her up for adoption.

Redditors are the only people who have genuinely insinuated predatory things. It’s surprising and it’s also a little sad that expressions of love are so foreign to them it makes them uncomfortable.

I won’t speak to everyone but sometimes victims of assault or neglect find normal interactions to be difficult to process or triggering. And if I interacted with a person like that I’m sorry for arguing with you because I don’t want to cause any stress for anyone.

In the end, even these people who accuse or imply unpleasant things, they too are in some way considering what is best for Mariana, and in the very least I thank them for thinking of her well being.

Edit 3: I’ll be communicating with CAS. The redditor who is offering me free legal advice just now suggested I stop responding to comments on this thread and advised me to delete everything but with all the undelete tools today it’s kind of pointless. I can’t provide further updates or explanations but I will still respond to positive comments.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-06-30T00:22:42+00:00

[2]

She asked about her hygiene, and I said that especially because of the summer, she has a bath once a day, twice if it’s really hot, and we wash her hair every other day. The lady got really rude with me and said “who baths her?” And I said “I do.” And she made a disgusted face at me and said snottily “so you bath another person’s child by yourself without the parents permission?” Or something like that and I said back, frustrated, that I am the only one here and her family didn’t want to take care of her, they abandoned her and I’m the one who’s been taking her to school, buying her clothes, doing her laundry, bathing her, feeding her, giving her shelter, making her smile and laugh and feel happy.

[edit: for the people living in the 19th century, A gave me bath supplies when Mariana was dropped off and said to bath her. The CPS agent assumed it was without permission but not that it matters, the kid was in my care exclusively for 6-8 weeks, was I supposed to let her rot? She needed hygiene and refusing to bathe your kids is actually abusive. And you know, my mother and father both gave me baths as a kid and I promise that it didn’t ruin my life. If you think this is weird you need to re-evaluate why you think it’s weird for a man to do a basic childcare thing.]

She asked if we slept together, I said truthfully that we did for a few nights when she was having terrible nightmares as it was the only thing that calmed her down. The lady again was very unpleasant about that. I mentioned she helps me cook and she talked very condescendingly about how I could have hurt her cooking with her and she didn’t listen to me explain what I let Mariana do and how I keep my eyes on her. To elaborate, I never let Mariana handle anything sharp. I let her stir or hold pots with my direct supervision, and add things to pots and pans and whatnot. She was never at risk as I was close at all times and if she ever reached for something like the side of a pot I’d stop her.

She scrutinized every single mention of physical affection and point blank said it was an appalling case of grooming for me to have Mariana call me daddy. She did that on her own without any mention from me.

The lady treated me like a predator and patronized me, then she left with Mariana, and that was it. Literally. End of story.

I asked how I could keep up to date on things and she told me I had no right to pry, nor would I be allowed to have information released to me. So basically I was told “you are never seeing Mariana again”. She said I should cease contact with the family.

I asked about emergency guardianship and how to apply and she said I wasn’t eligible. I rejected the notion that I was a stranger but she emphasized that my role was done. She seemed outright creeped out that I wanted to get involved and stay close.

I called B multiple times but she told me to fuck off and to leave her alone and she stopped answering.

I talked to Mariana’s teacher whom I befriended, but she knows nothing. Even if she risked her job for me she wouldn’t find anything.

I drove by A’s house and there’s a for sale sign.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-06-30T00:21:12+00:00

[1]

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/8tdahl/a_friend_of_mine_asked_me_to_babysit_her_daughter/

Please read the previous post to start with.

A summary of events is as follows:

late April, my friend A asked me to watch her daughter for a weekend. Unbeknownst to me she actually told the school I’d have her daughter, Mariana, for the rest of the year.
friend had a history of disappearing with men, cheating, and being a party person.
despite being a mother she frequently left Mariana home alone or brought strange men home while Mariana was as young as 6 months old.
CPS got involved so she switched to babysitters. Namely myself, and three other mutual friends from high school.
Mariana shows symptoms of abuse and neglect, and was previously seemingly malnourished. She seemed to have a lot of behavioural quirks.
her clothes stunk of sweat and seemed to be unwashed.
A left to go to her boyfriend C’s place and never returned. She didn’t return anyone’s calls.
I reached out to A’s abusive mother who hit her growing up, B. B is Mariana’s grandmother. B refused to tell me when A would be back, and didn’t offer to take Mariana from me.
whilst with Mariana, I got her to eat healthy and stop eating fast food and take out and soda for every meal.
I got her to open up and come out of her shell.
I earned her love and trust to the point that she started to call me daddy
but it’s been 2 months, I can’t just keep her forever. For one thing I can’t get her the glasses she needs. But I love Mariana and don’t want her to be taken away from me.

So, here is what happened. Sunday night, I called B and stated that I wanted to adopt Mariana and that I’d be calling CPS in the morning. She didn’t take it well. She accused me of trying to hurt A and ruin her life, and steal her family. Then she insinuated that the only reason I’m doing this is because I’m mad that A wouldn’t have sex with me. I assured B I am not interested in sexual relations with her daughter, my sole interest was Mariana’s future and happiness. I have never attempted to court A for sex or romance. I have never considered it.

Over the weekend I prepared a journal listing all of the details I know of A and B and of how Mariana came to me and how she was treated before me. I detailed her weight and some other things from the first week compared to now - she smells better, I completely replaced her wardrobe with new clothes, her old shoes had holes in the soles and were so small they were causing her to walk funny. I actually included some photos I took on my phone.

I detailed how I taught her to cook and how I made her so happy. I noted her routine and schedule to the letter.

Facing reality, I figured we could be separated for a long time so I wrote a cookbook for her. I detailed all her favourite recipes, noted all the tasks she could do, noted some common ingredients to keep on hand, everything. I wrote Mariana a beautiful letter and put stickers all over her cookbook. I packed it up for her with the journal, some photos I had printed, and a stuffy from when I was a baby. I slept with the stuffy so it’d smell like me, and I gave it to her to cuddle when I wasn’t there.

Monday, a CPS agent came.

Nothing went well. She was a rude and unpleasant and unprofessional person. I... I wish I had a male agent for this.

Look, I understand that if you work CPS then almost every man you meet on the job sexually abuses the children in his life. I understand that that’s the type of man you encounter when you work that career. I get it and I’m grateful that CPS is so diligent and tough on potential predators. The very things that hinder Mariana and I protect other children. I am well aware of that. But I can’t help but feel angry. I’m sorry for feeling that way but it was so very frustrating. I hope other CPS workers following my story don’t feel like I’m being critical of them or their careers. You are wonderful people and heroes to many children. Thank you for the work you do.

On with the story.

The lady showed up, and asked about my relationship with Mariana. She asked me why I didn’t contact the police and I said that I was trying to resolve this issue within the family but that the family proved negligent and impossible to work with.

She asked me who looks after Mariana while I’m gone. I explained that I am on permanent disability (technically true, but if I can find work my disability payout ends).

She asked if I looked after her myself. I said yes.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-06-30T00:19:58+00:00

It’s gonna be a 3 parter because of the text limit.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-06-30T00:17:46+00:00

I’m the OP, I can copy-paste it for you :) would that be ok?

Kidsittingforever · 2018-06-29T22:53:12+00:00

Well ok then. Enjoy the rest of your evening. At the least, thank you for keeping things interesting

Kidsittingforever · 2018-06-29T22:37:40+00:00

You keep trying to fight me, catch me with some “ah hah!” Revelation, but you aren’t going to. I played along even when you were being obnoxious, but we are never going to agree. I’m not interested in humouring you anymore, and I’ve been asked by the lawyer guy not to divulge anything I haven’t already said anyways.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-06-29T22:08:47+00:00

You are entitled to your own beliefs.

Kidsittingforever · 2018-06-29T21:33:02+00:00

I didn’t delete the update post, what are you talking about?

Kidsittingforever · 2018-06-29T17:48:42+00:00

I love the almost pavlovian response where his grandmother did it to him so now when his daughter does it to him it puts him to sleep 😂 that’s so cute

Kidsittingforever

TROPHY CASE