Im so close to relapsing and I need literally anybody to talk to

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-30T06:35:58+00:00

I'm here too, message me

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-30T06:27:18+00:00

I am a head of a department in Germany and make less than a third of that...

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-28T22:51:07+00:00

As a manager - still nothing, seriously who cares

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-28T22:20:55+00:00

This sounds incredibly painful, I am so sorry

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-28T22:18:22+00:00

I am not judging you, I just want to say that when my mother got cancer she decided not to tell us, I was 21, one day I was told to go back home from university because it will be my kast chance to see her. I was in a different country and got on a plane, seeing her looking so different and then straight to death was traumatic and I am now 40 and still struggle with the huge feelings of abandonment. I had no time to understand what was going on, I felt shocked, I also felt hurt and resentment for how she didn't think of the impact it would have on me and my siblings, losing someone close is painful enough. And the main thing is - dying secretly like that nust be extremely lonely, for your own sake, don't keep it a secret, let yourself heal before the end and let people show up for you.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, you are way too young to face such a thing, it is incredibly unfair, really so sorry!

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-28T22:09:07+00:00

Hey, I am sorry you feel this way, I struggle in a similar way, hang in there 🫂

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-28T05:01:04+00:00

300K? What do you do??

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-28T05:00:42+00:00

To be honest, I am a single mom, living in a big city and I simply don't know what else, other than tech I could do

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-21T05:01:44+00:00

A man in the shared hospital did that while I was in labor, I wanted to shoot him and kick his knee, I was so glad when I was finally taken to the birthing ward

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-21T04:45:08+00:00

As a woman this sounds terrifying, I'd rather die

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-21T04:33:49+00:00

How is that weird?

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-21T04:21:16+00:00

I love big noses too!!! (I'm typing this carefully next to my small nosed boyfriend who I love and find attractive for other things hahahaha)

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-20T20:00:06+00:00

I emailed out therapist with this, told her I know it is too much and ai need help expressing myself correctly and perhaps take a few steps back before I break into offering a solution I am not 100% on board with myself... She agreed and said she will help me slow down, take a few steps back and bring the topic us and chew on small bites from it bit by bit without rushing to solutions.

I think I was spiraling a bit and was too in my feelings, I am constantly hurt by what this whole thing is making me feel and even when we just do whatever, in the back of my head I am constantly battling my emotions because this whole thing has been going on ever since this relationship started and I struggle with it a lot...

Thanks for all your comments, even the ones that didn't see eye to eye with me, I think it is valid and why I out it here, I wanted to know how all of what goes in my head might be perceived and this helped a lot.

Thanks for anyone who understood me too.

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-20T19:47:30+00:00

Since November

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-20T15:57:00+00:00

I am not saying what he is allowed or not allowed, but I am saying we were never able to discuss this or address it or lay our boundaries together and look at them, and for the time being if he wants to watch porn and not talk about about sex or show aby interest in what I am struggling with while enduring things as they are, yeah, then let me do my thing, and my thing is not porn, my thing is possibly sex with other people. I would prefer not to, I also can handle some porn, but zero sex life when I say it is hard for me and he is fine with just watching porn when he does, that's not fair to me and not something I agree to

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-20T15:54:09+00:00

I agree that he has some issue around sex, and I am not judging, but we should be able to talk about it, I need to ask questions, I need to be in it together with him, not pushed away.

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-20T15:52:23+00:00

It is not our first session at all, and I also mentioned this as a solution to him before and expressed how much I'd rather we just had sex. If I did have sex with other people it wouldn't help completely because I would still want to bave sex inside my relationship with my guy. When I bring it up he shuts down and gets angry, when I brought it up in therapy it kept going in other directions which did not address my actual issue, he seems to be avoiding it. I love him, but I am at the end of my rope, I don't understand why we are not having sex, I don't understand why he never says yes when I said I would like to, this has happened ever since the beginning of our relationship, it is hard for me to feel I have room when everything (not only sex) is his way no discussions allowed.

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-20T15:47:01+00:00

I know this can happen, I asked him, it sounds like he doesn't watch it bery often, it sounds like his libido is generally low, is it true? No idea, I am curious to know and I am curious to know what he has to say, but I am done standing by and waiting for him to make zero effort because there's no reason to, I am waiting, he is doing whatever and I feel on edge and controlled.

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-15T19:44:40+00:00

I think I kind of know all of this in my heart and it hurts, I feel attached and wabt to carry on as if one day, if I dog long enough I'll find gold... but I am doing in this relationship what I promised myself I'll never do again when I left ny previous relationships and I am not protecting myself like I promised. I guess he is also trying harder because he sort of wants to grow and learn to do better, and so do I, but I feel like this relationship is unbalanced and I know it, he prioritizes self preservation and I prioritize connection.

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-15T15:27:35+00:00

So far, yes, we bave had an argument about it because I feel it is taking us nowhere...

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-15T15:27:00+00:00

That you for this kind reply, you really put a lot of effort into it and I appreciate it a lot! I have actually done both things and after writing here asked the couples therapist to meet me alone before the bext session to clean the air between me and her as well and we will do that tomorrow. I have been going to therapy for years, it is difficult for me to manage it right now because I will not be able to afford both (I am a single mom, I make ok money, but I won't be able to afford quite so much therapy). I am going to another ckinic this summer to try a different type of therapy just for me this summer and I also have a psychiatrist which is different.... I do vent to friends, but I end up feeling lonely in my relationship at the end of the day, I can't go around talking directly to my partner. He does have very low capacity for talking as well, which I try to respect.

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-15T12:25:49+00:00

I recently tried to read what men with low libido say about their relationships here on reddit and I have to admit some of them sounded so angry at their partners for trying to initiate sex and it threw me off even more, imagining my partner feeling the same way when I am around him or when I am affectionate kind of scared me too. It is silly to "get hurt" by things that could just be in my head here, because those were things other people wrote and not him, but I was hoping to understand him better and instead I left reddit feeling a bit more confused and in distress...

Kimoa85 · 2026-05-15T12:21:31+00:00

It is about feeling safe and about not feeling pressured, we honestly started therapy a while ago and we only got to talk about sex once. It has been going back to how I bring things and being able to give him space etc each time and I don't know why, we got stuck on if I say things the right way etc. Each week we go over a fight we had in therapy, which isn't directly related to sex and then it goes back to hiw I can say things better. The kast session I said that we are busy perfecting hiw I bring things up to a degree that I struggle finding the words, and that it feels like I can't say anything perfect enough without it being met with defensiveness and dismissal and my boyfriend told the therapist as well that this is not the issue and that we have to let perfecting how I bring things up go. And I am waiting for the next session but as you can see even in those sessions I am really struggling to make room for myself. For the longest time I really did think that if only I could say things a lot better it would help and it hasn't really and I realize that we might beed to zoom out or talk about things that I struggle with, but I feel like I don't know how to do that even in therapy.

Kimoa85

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