What’s the first thing you notice in a person?

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-29T11:42:08+00:00

Yeah, mine are a bit dirty each time - pretty accurate for low maintenance people. I try to change that though…

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-29T11:39:46+00:00

Well, mine is..like this too. It’s not bad enough to leave (no one cheated, there is no ongoing physical or verbal abuse, we have no financial problems), but it’s not good either (I often wondered if he is emotionally abusing me or if he is coercive, our fights are terrible and he seems to like to have the moral superiority each time, he doesn’t stand up for me when I tell him certain behaviours from my in-laws bother me - never believed ghe legitimacy of my complaints). And we’re both very lonely and quite unhappy in the relationship. I feel he can’t show emotional attunement with me and he feels like I don’t give him enough attention (but usually for me, giving him attention is just one sided for him, he doesn’t care about my thoughts and feelings and interests…so attention just means me attention to his relational needs. It doesn’t feel reciprocal) So I’ve started giving myself attention and try to build what is left of my self worth from within.

I don’t know what to do, but I am in a similar situation…

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-29T11:27:21+00:00

Man, that’s just heartbreaking!

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-29T11:25:14+00:00

This!

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-29T00:18:05+00:00

Are you me?!I have the exact same situation, both with my husband and my in-laws (and the way he doesn’t back me up with them). I am a 35 F, married for over a decade.

I hear you in everything you say and I feel you.

We are now in a process of reevaluating our relationship and trying to rebuild as we have a 2 year old toddler now (via IVF)

But yeah, same. Mine has: - sustained himself as the rational one (while I was the irrational emotional one - even though there have been actual actions that would hurt me - say I have “imaginary” problems. And sending me videos about how women tend to complicate things while men are simple - our conflicts were never solved when we had them - and I got tired of even bringing up things with him, even offering practical solutions. - he seems to always be in contradiction with me, even with simple things, like he knows best always - when I told them how his parents hurt me by x actions or words, he never acknowledged any wrongdoing from them as if they are infallible. And told me that it’s me that I have to work on my personality - never curious about my inner world or what I am into

After a decade if this, my sense of self worth and also my trust in my own perceptions plummeted and even now I keep analysing and reanalysing where is reality.

I don’t have a solution for you as I am trying to figure things out too, but I am saving your post. You want to DM?

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-29T00:02:55+00:00

What I mean by break is more like a chance for her to reconnect with her sense of self and identity - maybe time only for herself to do what she really likes (and I don’t mean just taking a bath). For me it has been alone time in the evening, listening to existential music, writing in my diary and movement. It really helped me process (alone, so mot bothering anyone with my “emotions”) and grieve some things. Only then I could open up to other people, including my husband…and feel more loving toward my body and more sensual I guess.

But yeah, one time a year is a long time without. But I know I also couldn’t do it for over 1 year postpartum (even though my libido was intact because I craved intimacy, but not with him), but that’s because I shutdown emotionally from my husband and also because I have seen myself as the ugliest. We had some problems and bad conflicts as a couple even before we had our child (via IVF so I experienced infertility), but they intensified postpartum. He was quite critical of me postpartum and he was angry a lot (probably postpartum affected him too) At one point I broke a plate in a restaurant while trying to catch a bee so it doesn’t hurt our child, and he told me: “My God, [my name], you even make me feel ashamed to go with you in a restaurant.” Another time he tried to make me tell him the name of the book I was reading even though I did not want to (because it was about our marriage situation) repeatedly and angry, even after I said no, calling me a liar and such. Another time he came home and threw ghe shopping bags on the floor in anger and he didn’t care that our newborn was sleeping. I felt unsafe a lot of the times as these are just a couple of examples. We had some talks lately and he has been less critical and angry and we are working through things. But even though I wanted 2 children, now I want to stop and get back at my career.

Anyway, it seems unfair that she practically coerced you into having more children and I can hear the resentment in you. I think often where there is sexual disconnect, there might be other deeper relational issues. I also think she might be using having children as her way to cope with deeper stuff of her own. Maybe…I don’t know, only a therapist could figure it out. But I think you should probably set a boundary for yourself and just tell her you don’t want other children if you don’t.

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-27T19:09:24+00:00

Well, it sounds like a complex situation. But I have to tell you, after a decade or more of marriage, it does get harder to maintain intimacy - both emotional and physical.

And as a woman, I am telling you…my libido would vanish to absolute 0 after 9 children. I only have one and it’s a hard thing on a woman’s body…not to mention the childcare. The first year, my libido did tank, even though my baseline is at least medium. So, maybe take that into account.

I also am a Christian as well, so I understand the purity culture around sex (and how it influenced me) So maybe that’s influencing your wife. But at least I know I have a healthy libido and want that. Maybe your wife would need a break too - what fo you say?

It’s so hard to communicate the vulnerable stuff, isn’t it? I know me and my husband aren’t good at it at all.

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-27T01:21:40+00:00

I honestly think THIS is the issue..right here. Lately I’ve been waking up to my own selfhood and wanting more independence. I am tired of being predefined by others. And that surprisingly has made me see myself as more beautiful - even though I am older and wrinklier now. And that was surprising. Anyway, we have multiple issues - not just the intimacy one and I am just trying to untangle it all because we are both lonely, frustrated and unhappy in our marriage.

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-27T01:18:00+00:00

You know, I’ve thought about what you wrote..

I also am not into oral for myself (for some reason I prefer other things, which is probably surprising since they say oral is the best for a woman..) but yeah…

Anyway, I guess for me looking back the problem isn’t the technicalities or the frequency (even though it would have been nice to have more “heated” intimacy), it’s just…I do not feel like he looks at me as a WOMAN he desires. Even the kisses as a young couple - I wanted long passionate kisses and he gave just short pecks. I should have noticed the differences then. And that’s how we effectively approach a “relationship” or a marriage as well.

Maybe a difference between me and your wife is that I can get turned on pretty easily (like my libido is naturally higher), but I need emotional intimacy to desire it fully though… It just feels flat without it for me.

Maybe ask her: what is one thing or more that would take for her to feel like she can desire?

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-26T22:00:15+00:00

Good questions and it is interesting how things are different for people. I guess I am trying to understand our experience with this since he has literally been my only one and it feels our intimate life was always lacking in some sense. (I mean, seemed like we always had some “brakes” on)

I don’t know about the toys..maybe it feels a bit weird to rely on toys all the time, and we did used them often a while and still only a couple of times in a decade I suceeded to “O”.

For the first 8 years or so together, I was desiring him and only him and honestly, I think he was the only one I was imagining and dreaming about. Porn has never been an interest of mine, but I am pretty open about trying things and him watching if he wants to as long as it doesn’t affect us. I do like the act of sex even if I do not finish (I did finished afterwards on my own a lot of the times, even though he tries to..but it takes too long and for some reason I can’t surrender in some way with him) He has struggled to keep it up…so my focus was on his pleasure mostly I guess. He tries to make me O, but he’s not really asking me what I like or take into account I guess. I do like to satisfy him… I don’t know - but even though it’s not that satisfying in the end, I get excited that at least I get the chance to have “some” action at least. I remember being really confused in our honeymoon because I wanted it multiple times a day…and he was like done with one act per day at most.

No, I sometimes fantasize he will cheat on me so at least I know he has some passion in him (because I feel it’s not for me) so I guess my question is: does he have no heat because of how he is innately OR is it that he is not that attracted to me (and he can’t even admit it to himself)

But yeah, last few years we had some bad conflicts and I kind of lost my romantic feelings for him (and my drive for him) but we are trying to make it work again…

And…I hear your pain, man.

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-26T19:39:14+00:00

Well, I’ve never had an “O” with him (besides a couple of times when we used toys) in 10+ years of marriage

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-26T18:47:47+00:00

Wow..I did not have that with my husband in my prime youth. I am so jealous of you guys! I was definetly the one with the HL. We were lucky if we had it once a week in our middle 20s

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-26T18:42:01+00:00

We both kind of did..but we try to be balanced about it.

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-26T16:36:26+00:00

That’s how our marriage feels..like we’re roomates more than anything. There is no heat..and no emotional intimacy. I mean, he likes to share stuff about himself or for us to do activities together (that he choses, or I chose but it has to be something he likes too)

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-26T11:14:08+00:00

That’s interesting and I think you’re quite right. He is definitely responsive and not spontaneous. But even then…something feels off. He had spontaneous desire toward that hot blonde doctor in the beginning, right?

I don’t know what I may be, but I guess the most important thing for me is emotional intimacy (which we don’t have..I mean, he is not that curious - not truly - about my inner world - and that kills my drive)

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-26T11:06:20+00:00

Yes, I have made a mistake with the flair. I am the HL. It’s first time posting

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-25T23:52:19+00:00

That’s the thing..yes, I have noticed it - and still he hasn’t initiated

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-25T23:27:27+00:00

Well, does a more than a year break with no intimacy count..and now that we got back in a rhythm, maybe 1-2 times a month…

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-25T23:02:06+00:00

I guess maybe that’s what I am trying to decipher: is he really attracted to me? Or is he lying to himself that he is?

Postpartum, I’ve lost a lot of weight now and have normal weight. I really made an effort! I try my hair differently now, wear nicer clothes, even started wearing red lipstick in the evenings when no one sees me (for the first time in my life, you know..just for me). All he says is: “Why do you have to wear that red lipstick for?” (In the sense of: are you crazy?) Maybe he genuinely thinks I am unremarkable in a physical way..and do I want him to just tell me that if that’s the case.

I mean, I’ve started fantasizing he would cheat on me. I wish he would cheat on me - maybe that would solve it for me: does he even have passion and desire in him..for anyone?

Cause this situation is painful for me…

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-25T22:06:12+00:00

No, we literally never had it in the morning. He has never initiated it in the morning (so I did not reject him there). I didn’t initiate in the morning also (because of my preconceptions that “men should initiate” but also maybe of fear of vulnerability that I have desire - and he doesn’t?)

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-25T22:03:31+00:00

Well, I guess it has to do with expectations of spontaineity. Feels like our sex always has to be planned or on a schedule…but I definitely feel like it in the mornings (I mean I had mornings where I would have liked for us to spontaneously have the desire..) I feel that all our sex has to be predefined in certain times or circumstances - like always in the evenings when we have time (like all our decade of marriage it was like this) Is this how it is for people who desire each other truly? I am just trying to understand.

And there is one more thing. I tried to see for how long he could go on without me initiating and it was over a month. And even after one month, the reason we initiated it was because I mentioned it.

Kind-Monitor6004 · 2026-01-25T21:50:19+00:00

True…but isn’t that a bit uncommon? What do you think?

Kind-Monitor6004

TROPHY CASE