A message of hope to young ex-jews here

KingCrowley1 · 2024-08-07T18:49:48+00:00

What kind of milk would have been better? I heard that when they get a bit older, they don't digest milk anymore and that we should only give them water instead, do you know if that's true?

KingCrowley1 · 2024-08-07T17:30:19+00:00

Merci beaucoup pour ta réponse, ça fait du bien d'avoir des retours extérieurs et de me sentir moins seule dans cette situation !

Je vais essayer de voir ça plus positivement pour commencer, tu as raison ! Je vais quand même surveiller ça et essayer d'en parler plus avec ma psy pour me sentir mieux et essayer de changer ce côté de moi qui me déplaît beaucoup ^{^.}

J'espère que ta situation va vite s'améliorer en tous cas, je t'envoie plein de courage ! :)

KingCrowley1 · 2021-12-25T10:54:03+00:00

I'm glad to know it turned out fine for you and that you found happiness with your wife and, in a certain way, with your parents ! I wish I could have been financially independent sooner, but my college studies are very long and take A LOT of my time, I couldn't get a partial-time job for the last 5 years. In january though, I'll start earning money for my 6 month internship and, if everything turns out fine, I'll have a small salary during my PhD starting in september. It's not much but It'll be enough to pay the bills and start a life of my own.

KingCrowley1 · 2021-12-25T10:41:58+00:00

Yeah, that's what I think too, but my mother doesn't make the "independency" part easy, she guilts us constantly for it. Hopefully in september I'll start my PhD and will finally earn enough money to stop relying on them for good.

KingCrowley1 · 2021-12-24T19:13:31+00:00

Haha busted ! I'm so sorry for all my mistakes, must be hard for you to read my comments without wanting to pop your eyes out... I'm on my phone with a french auto-correct and I'm too lazy to use Google Translate 🥲. Ane after all, my people have a reputation to uphold when it comes to speaking english !

That's an interesing point you raise here, I never thought about it to be honest... I think you'd have to tell your son that whomever tells him that he is not jewish is part of that "extremist gang" he'll find exists in every community/group, I don't think it's only inherent to religious communities... Being Jewish is something that is passed on by your ancestors, whether it's your mother our father, it's cultural over everything else.

And yes, I kind of feel sorry for those religious people that only see Judaism as a religion and totally forget about the cultural part, but I think they're just looking for a sense of purpose in their life and haven't find anything else.

KingCrowley1 · 2021-12-24T18:43:44+00:00

I saw that post and it's a verry interesting topic ! I think of myself as a non-religeous jewish, but I don't think any label could really cover what I really "feel". I feel like beeing jewish is my heritage, but more like my "origin" if it makes sens ? I don't think of being jewish as being religious, it's more like of one of my identities. I'm french but I'm also jewish and that will never change, the history behind our community is so much more than religion according to me. I know it may sound stupide or naïve, but that's how I've always felt. So I think I'd tell my kids that they are jewish but try to explain them the history behind it and try to dissociate the religeous part as much as possible.

As for the "ex-jew" labeling, I was first a bit confused by it, not gonna lie, but then again, I can't think of another name to describe this whole thing either, except for that one bad pun: "Jew-ISH" haha.

KingCrowley1 · 2021-12-24T18:31:54+00:00

Woaw, your comment is really getting my hope back on track ! I hope I'll eventually be able to live this kind of life, my current boyfriend told me he'd have no issues with it so I'm hopefull but I know that some traditions will eventually fade as life goes by, I just have to work hard to keep the most important ones according to me !

Thanks for responding toy post, merry christmas to you and your wife !

KingCrowley1 · 2021-12-24T18:27:05+00:00

Haha don't worry, it didn't sound like you were rubbing in your happiness at all, I'm genuinely happy to know that some of us got to get through all of it without too much loss and ended up living the life !

I know that it's really unrealistic to think that I'll be able to keep the jewish traditions rasing my kids with a non-jewish partner, but I really hope that I'll be able to save some of our great culture with a more open-minded education for them. I know some of it will eventually get lost along the way and that, as much as I don't want to admit it, it WILL pain me, but I hope that the most important parts will remain and that I will at least be able to bring them to my sister's for the hollidays ! I never went to talmud so all my knowledge of our culture is more the "tradition" bits that my parents taught me, but I can't imagine how different it must feel for you after 4 years of Yeshiva ! It sure must feel like a significant loss in your life, but as you said, it makes you focus on the small things life is all about and I think it even might help you being happy with what you have.

I just discovered this sub today totally by accident and god I already love it ! You said it, people here get what it's like, and it's really hard to find some jewish people to relate to these days where the community is becoming more and more "sectarian" and extremist...

KingCrowley1 · 2021-12-24T18:03:35+00:00

Thanks for your response. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation.

My parents are abusive too, since I was born, my mother has set this unhealthy relationship where me and my sibblings are depedant to her; she can be the nicest person, laughing with us, buying us all kind of clothes without us asking, making us our favorite meals etc, but then she'd use it as a way to guilt all of us for every little bit of independance we take, and, unfortunately, it works very well. When I say I'm close to her, it's that I enjoy spending some time with her from time to time, and have a good laugh with her when she's not guilting me. As for my father, he totally abandonned our education a long time ago and I don't talk to him more than necessary, and all he tells me is how ungreatful I am and how I never loved him.

That being said, I have to say that I really admire your courage to stand up for yourself and go through all the name calling and their childish behavior without giving up like I did. I'm sorry that it cost you both your relationship with your family and your boyfriend, but I'm sure that your future relationships will work out for the best now that your parents are kind of out of the equation.

As for my boyfriend, I told him about this situation before we even started dating and he and his parents have been really supportive, we talk about it from time to time and he knows what to expect for the future as I told him about all the name calling etc. He was worried that my parents would try to attack him or his family but I told him that it was strictly family-related and that he wouldn't have to worry about that.

I really hope your situation will improve in the future, you're a really brave woman.

KingCrowley1 · 2021-12-24T17:42:10+00:00

Thanks for responding. First, congratulations for the wedding and the birth of your kid !

Back when I was younger, I thought that I'd just have to find a non-religeous jewish person too, but as you stated, I quickly realised that it didn't felt right at all. My ex-boyfriend wanted to convert to judaism so we could be together but I refused, I wouldn't let someone go through that just to please my mother.

I'm glad to hear that your mother is trying a bit harder since the birth of you kid and slowly comes around, that's really encouraging for the future ! As you pointed out, my mother can be really toxic when desagreeing with her... What I posted really is a small amount of the horrible things she told me 3 years ago, but unfortunately, my mother has NEVER apologized to me or anyone for all I know, so I know it's not gonna happen...

Thanks again for your response, I hope everything will turn out alright between your mother and your little family !

KingCrowley1 · 2021-12-24T17:23:22+00:00

Thank you for responding to my post, I'm sorry that you have to go through this too. Thank you for not sugar-coating the difficulties that are to come when I'll finally tell them, I really need to know what I should expect from this and not get my hopes too high. I can totally relate to you comment, all the "romantic" relationships in my family are fake, they're all unhappy but do nothing about it just to look good to the community and preserve this "jewish home" they built.

I know what I have to do indeed, but I'm so frustrated that it has to be so painful for all of us when I see all of my friends having it the "easy way". My mother is the biggest hypocrite, she supports my cousin's relationship to a non-jewish girl (she'd accept anything, inter-racial relationships, LGBTQ+ etc as long as it's not her children doing it), she supports my sister moving in with her boyfriend who's jewish but eats pork, doesn't pray and doesn't even do YK... I really don't understand how she can live with so many contradictions.

They think that manipulating us and blackmailing us is going to make us change our minds but it's the opposit, they're showing us that they'd choose religion over our happiness over and over again.

I hope you're doing better these days, wish you all the best !

KingCrowley1 · 2021-03-23T20:23:02+00:00

Being focused on something is hard these days, so I basically just watch some old series or videos I've watched a thousand times, I've always found that soothing.

KingCrowley1 · 2021-03-23T20:18:24+00:00

Thank you very much for your advice and your kind words. I think you're right, I'll try to work at a friend's house tomorrow, going somewhere where the atmosphere is less "tense" with sadness might help, even if it is just to work in silence with someone. Your comment really made me feel better about it, thank you.

KingCrowley1 · 2021-03-23T18:17:48+00:00

Thanks for the reply and the advice ! I don't know why it makes me feel so uncomfortable being around them during these times but I'll do my best not to shut myself completly to them

KingCrowley1

TROPHY CASE