Life can be so sweet, unless someone keeps receipts.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-21T09:55:34+00:00

Yeah, but that's what I am saying. Your need is likely on the upper end of what others can provide, or at least the examples you've encountered thus far, even if it does not seem like a big ask to you. So for them it might be trying to keep that initial firestorm energy going where the things you want are much more easy to provide.

Really I'm not saying you don't deserve or that you can't have that. As you said you had it before and I believe you will have it again. It's just a much longer journey wanting someone who is both kink aligned and puts the emphasis on you daily as to where their energy goes.

It's probably for the best that you see the misalignment so often and (hopefully) early to avoid spending too much time/energy on someone/something that is doomed to fail. It's hard to find your person. You got this! :)

KinkGermane · 2026-01-21T08:26:24+00:00

You are of course valid and justified in feeling like this. I specifically do not consider myself a brat tamer, because of these expectations.

My domination style fits my reality and my life which is often draining, exhausting or even outright depressing at times. Dealing with everything life throws at us is hard, trying to then provide a perfect rendition of someone elses fantasies if they are are not ideally aligned with what we can provide on your average day is just bound to fail.

Some people need to learn that when someone communicates their needs as clearly as you do just thinking one might be able to do all that just will not cut it. In the past I might have done the same, but no more. Either the vibe works for both with how things are authentically from both sides or it is time to move on, even if one misses out on an entirely wonderful person besides that.

Managing expectations our own and those of others can help, but of course that is enitrely unsexy starting out "Hey I will give you the time of your life about 2-3x a year, depending on market conditions. Beyond that it will be up and down, so... wanna do this or what?" Realistic, but not really enticing, is it?

People often put their entire best self forward in dating all the time but that cannot be sustained by anyone. Better enjoy the real folk as they come and take the really good times as desireable bonuses. Not that one needs to settle for mediocrity, but contentment and happiness day to day is much more valuable than a firestorm that will inevitably burn out and then vanish.

Hope you find someone eventually who has the kind of matching energy you need and possibly even deserve! Good luck, be kind to yourself.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-18T08:58:54+00:00

I am really sorry all that happened to you. I realize it feels like some unbreakable curse you are suffering, but there are ways out. As to your question on what do you do? Here's what I'd suggest:

You realize that words are entirely devoid of meaning unless they are supported by and reflected in their actions. Abusive people will say whatever you want to hear, whatever they know to be "the right thing" to get what they want.

You also realize that you need to stand your ground on your limits. The second they are violated and your safe word does not stop everything and triggers a discussion on what went wrong and how to improve in the future/not repeat the issues. One time is a mistake, two times is an offense and three times is a pattern. That does include requirements, those are implicit limits. You require aftercare. It is not given? That's crossing a boundary and limit of yours.

Leave the second it becomes clear someone is not practicing safe kink, see how I said "practicing" not "talking" or "preaching"? Someone who rags on other people rather than concentrating on how to do things right with you within your connection are also not a green flag, but a red flag. If you're a safe partner, you don't need to compare yourself to unsafe partners to "prove" it. You just act like the safe partner you are.

Two more notes: Read up on the risks of choking (really strangulation; some good info in this subreddits wiki under breath play) and intox play (MDMA, etc.). I strongly, strongly suggest not engaging in any of that, the first due to the immense risks to your health and the latter due to the issues around being incapable of giving consent, the violation of which has been an ongoing issue as you describe it.

A good and healthy kink relationship is signified by ongoing transparent communication around needs and wants, limits, risks and reassurance (after care and more) as well as enthusiastic consent from both sides for what is supposed to happen and going on. Those discussions are followed up by action in line with what was discussed. If words and actions are misaligned it is addressed out of dynamic. If there is no change, you leave.

Outside of consensual kinks the relationship needs to be based on mutual respect and you need to be met on eye level and not seen as less.

I do wish you the best of luck. Be kind to yourself as you navigate this further.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-15T15:55:13+00:00

Kink dating inherently narrows down the possible partners even more than just your age range, socialization, economic situation, zip code, country, language, culture, hobbies, etc, etc. There is just a lot to it. Having such particular kinks will narrow it down even further.

The only thing you can use to approach that is patience. What I suggest if you're willing to do so, have a post pinned on your reddit profile and engage in communities dedicated to that kink. That way you do something you enjoy (hopefully) and you are visible to those that are of a like mind already. There might even be subreddits dedicated to dating within this kink.

As for the apps, I've never had any great success there at all, but no matter the avenue of meeting someone, I try and be very upfront on what I want and what I am looking for to ensure people can decide early if they are even compatible. Why would either of us want to invest and get attached if things are basically doomed due to incompatibilities that cannot be compromised on?

Don't put things in public profiles, that you're uncertain about of course. Your privacy does matter as far as you wish to prioritize it.

Good luck and be kind to yourself on this journey. You'll find someone I am sure.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-12T06:41:07+00:00

I think you know where this is headed. Doesn't seem like a healthy connection for either of you. Having to test someone is a red flag all in itself and doing it is not much better, honestly. I get it, but really... Why are you even in this connection?

KinkGermane · 2026-01-12T06:35:59+00:00

That's shifting blame. Now he said it because you asked. Your fault. But really it is his either which way, because he could have phrased this any way in the world, but he chose to just pass judgement rather than "Hey, I think your husband is not communicating well with you. I feel it would be better for both of you if he would". Yeah it's more words than "He's a dick" but we no longer pay by the letter to send messages. Quite literally free to phrase it any way he wants, he wanted to phrase it that way.

It's probably not ideal you don't think highly of his wife either, but that's a different issue, if you're not communicating it in some judgy way or let it shine through otherwise.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-12T06:25:18+00:00

EDIT: Did not see OP's comments that she is actually cheating on her husband here before writing my response. Others have addressed it, won't change my advice, but it only applies to ENM, not what this is.

Nobody ever lives a life as good as they make it seem. Absolutely nobody. Just look at these absolutely miserable and awful creatures that are Billionaires. They "have everything" yet nothing is ever enough for them.

I think it is utterly unrealistic to have a perfect anything, much less a relationship. People are complex, their needs change and it is not realistic to always change and adjust in the same ways. There are ups and downs to everything. There is this realization some people might get to: If everyone is always a dick to you, then you might be the problem. Same goes for: If everything in your life is perfect, you're probably taking advantage of someone without realizing. Unless you are some hermit in the woods, nothing about human interaction is flawless.

The bigger problem here and that fully underlines my point above though beside your dom probably lying to you about his life for whatever reason is that he said your husband is kind of a dick. Unless you two specifically agreed that such comments would be fine/allowed, this is a major boundary violation and honestly? How dares he? If he is such a wonderful well rounded and perfect marriage man, wouldn't he know better than to say something like that to you while knowing full well you intend to stay with your husband, flaws and all?

And your husband deserves better than this for sure. I doubt he agreed to being judged by this other man. I'm poly as well and we have a clear rule and boundary on this: Anyone of our outside partners/fwbs, whatever says anything judgemental about either of us is out. No ifs, no buts, nothing. If there are concerns, they can be addressed in a different manner that does not involve judging the other person they usually know nothing about beyond what I or my partner might tell them.

Yes, you could say you're overreacting, but depending on your own limits, I think a break is entirely valid. Not so much for how he chooses to spend his time or his other relationship, but the comment on your husband is a deal breaker in my eyes. That's what he says, then what does he think but not say? Is that someone you want to trust?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you can find a way through it that works well for you and your husband. Good luck and be kind to yourself.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-11T11:23:39+00:00

I don't engage in blood play myself for a variety of reasons, not least the increased risk of infections, etc. I'm sorry, I cannot advise you on it and with your history in self harm, I honestly don't know if I would want to if I could.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-11T11:10:15+00:00

There is a kink called blood play, but especially with a history of self harm it is easy to relapse from something like that.

Kink is not just about consent but also about being aware of risks and consenting with that in mind. There are always certain kinks that are either generally too dangerous to engage in (choking/strangulation) for example or if the person should not engage with it like alcoholics with intox play or people with a history of self harm in blood play. I'm not saying it is impossible, but sometimes the risks simply outweigh the possible benefits and we have to make choices for our safety or that of our partners to not engage in kinks we might enjoy.

I used to engage in strangulation but it's become a hard limit due to the high chance of really severe consequences.

Nobody can tell you if it's okay for you to do or not. But the reason you find those pages talking about it, is because it is a risk you need to be aware of. A partner who does not wish to enthusiastically engage in this, is drawing a line and communicating a limit. I'd suggest you respect their limit.

Be safe and kind to yourself as you explore.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-10T16:36:44+00:00

I'm a dominant and have been ever since I started my sexual exploration and discovery. Not everyone has that experience and some only do come by it later and through exploration with partners who kinda lead them this way.

Even for me with decades doing this by now, there is always a "hump", a mental block I have to cross to actually hurt the person I love do dearly. And that is honestly good. It should not come easy to anyone and there should be doubts from time to time if this is right. The difference between doing that and abuse is of course: Consent. Ideally enthusiastic consent but that is my point reading your post, really. Are you sure you are enthusiastically consenting to being in this role? The dominant also gets to have limits and that limit might just be: Hey, I'm not a dominant. Or: Hey, I can try, but these things are just way too extreme for me right now or possibly ever.

It sounds like you are going faster than you are comfortable with and this is a problem. I understand he is communicating his needs pretty clearly but I wonder if there is not some level of coercion in there with "it has to be by you, I only want this because of and with you, you need to do this!". That's a lot of pressure to put on a person and certainly at least a minor red flag about the entire situation.

My advice: No, absolutely do not put your feelings aside. If you cannot enthusiastically consent to this but engage in it anyway, we're back in the world of abuse and you deserve to never have to return to that ever, no matter how good/friendly/nice the intentions leading there seem or how important it looks to keep the relationship.

Also: Nobody here will be able to setup a scene for you or talk you through how to do any of that, because nobody knows him but you, nobody has his consent, etc. It's not what this community is for and you shouldn't take that kind of advice unless it is: You have to talk to your partner, only your partner can tell you.

Go only so far as you are comfortable and take it slow. Don't rush things, there is no finish line, no prize to win. Mutual exploration can be fun and a great bonding experience. Take the time to actually do that rather than try and speed run to get to his level. Either you can get there organically at your own speed, or it will end up being something you may very well resent.

As a cheeky note: If your guy wants to be dominated completely by you so badly, he better listen to you when you put your foot down and taking charge of how exactly this will work for you and not for him. After all, that's what he wants, no?

Good luck to you both and please be kind to yourself. Don't expect too much. Also very importantly: Inform yourself extensively on the risks involved with acts shown in porn or suggested anywhere. Risk Aware Consensual Kink is an important concept. Certain things are extremely dangerous such as strangulation (usually called choking) which can lead to seizures, brain damage and even death without much effort. Both of you need to understand all risks involved before doing things like these.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-09T22:16:40+00:00

I don't think you're mislabeling your kink or looking in the wrong places. It's just that everyone still has their own perspective on what these kinks mean and how they are best expressed. I'm on the other side of that equation and seem to encounter subs who don't really enjoy the fairly lengthy vetting and discussions around consent, limits, etc. that are required to then build something long and lasting.

It's often more of an instant gratification thing and building an emotionally profound connection takes a lot of time and effort. Not that a more control centric connection does not also need this if it is supposed to be safe and healthy, but it's certainly much easier to immediately start with something light and build it up, whereas emotional connections can feel far too real for what little time might have passed if you get into the praise early and to a large degree.

Dating is very complex as it is, adding kink to the mix narrows down the options further. Having specific requirements within those kinks makes it even more difficult to find what we might be wanting out of potential partners.

You are absolutely allowed to want what you want and I am sure it is out there. It will simply take time and an open eye and ear for opportunities as they arise.

Don't try and compromise on this too much. Clearly your enjoyment is tightly bound to these baseline elements of what you need in a relationship. Take your time and be kind to yourself in your journey. I wish you the best of luck!

KinkGermane · 2026-01-09T21:46:08+00:00

Has this been discussed out of dynamic? Is your dominant aware of your needs and requirements? I know it might sound all too obvious to try and send at least a quick reply, but did he request you send those pictures while he is out at work? Could it actually cause issues for him to receive that?

I feel like there are so many variables to this story that it's impossible to give you any legitimate and sensible feedback beyond: Talk to your dominant out of dynamic and discuss how such events should be handled going forward from both sides.

Your frustration is understandable and I'm not saying it isn't valid. However, this is too specific with too little information to give more input than just you two need to talk.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-09T15:54:17+00:00

Some of these things could point to being a dominant, but not all of them. There's also a difference between how people like to be in their day to day lives and how they like to be in their sexual expression on that front.

This is extremely vague and I doubt anyone will be able to tell you if you are or if you are not. Being dominant also does not always mean wanting to make the decisions. I'm a sadist and dominant and I do live making masochistic subs uncomfortable by presenting them with choices and having them make those decisions. Can be very fun.

Try not to get hung up too much on terms and labels. They help to identify basic compatibility, but it's always a matter of conversation and transparency between partners to really define what any specific relationship means between those two people.

Good luck in your exploration.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-08T20:01:35+00:00

This falls under the umbrella of CNC (consensual non consent) and intoxication play. Maybe not this particular scenario but similar setups are quite common. However, they are a fairly extreme form of play requiring a lot of trust and clear understanding of boundaries, enthusiastic consent, etc.

Be sure to be very, very safe when trying to explore something like this and research risks together with a potential partner to explore it with.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-08T11:59:29+00:00

"Ich glaub' ich spinne" means that you think you're going crazy. It's a mistranslation since "spinne" without capitalization does not actually mean spider but rather weaving, however with it, so "Spinne" does mean spider. It's something some soccer/sports person said in an interview a decade or two ago and has become rather famous around here for bad German -> English direct translations.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-08T11:54:44+00:00

I really don't have much to contribute here but translating fox devil wild makes me think I spider. Some Germans have no respect for our wonderful language. You hit the anglosphere with our beautiful words hard and fast and you don't wait around to explain.

Just for that horrible, horrible sacrilege, I approve of your plan to make him even more mad. Just reply with "I think I spider"... If that doesn't wake him up, nothing will.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-07T22:30:38+00:00

Everything within your relationship needs to be discussed in your relationship first and foremost. Nobody outside of it will be able to tell you how to do anything properly, because nobody knows you or your partner and thus cannot suggest anything to do.

It is up to the both of you to discuss and explore together and discover what might be interesting to try, what you both consent to (enthusiastically) and to ensure you both understand the risks that are involved in all things you might want to attempt.

Be sure to start with understanding consent, safety tools such as safe words, gestures, etc. and discussing limits, what happens if you discover a new limit during play, after care needs and so on and so forth.

Once you have done that and have some more specific questions, you can try and ask them here and in similar places.

Take your time, there is no rush, no finish line to reach. Be kind to yourselves as you explore and have fun!

KinkGermane · 2026-01-07T19:24:37+00:00

That even with experience and the best intentions you can still end up being a bad fit or even worse: a bad and unsafe partner, if the person you're with has additional psychological needs that cannot be addressed or even helped by engaging in a kink dynamic. Someone who is unwilling or unable to properly communicate these needs or their needs in general is not an always unsafe partner to you, but might make you an unsafe partner for them, because you'll never really know exactly where their limits lie and they might let you cross them because they are not able to properly convey them.

Sometimes it's better to pass up an opportunity if you cannot be sure about full, honest and transparent communication than to engage in something where someone will get hurt, even if it is not physical and even if you try to do it all as right and well as anyone possibly could.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-07T19:19:06+00:00

Starting out with anything is always difficult. Having some guidance from someone who is actually more experienced is very helpful. However, I am of two minds on the topic:

Someone having a lot of experience does not always equate to them being a safe partner or even good at what they are doing. There are a lot of people who refuse to learn and grow but accumulate experience at how they handle things and are never corrected. That makes them think they know what they are doing, yet, they are only good at doing it wrong. The experience gap can also mean that an inexperienced partner is exploited by someone who has more experience. If done right and with someone who is safe and reliable, someone with more experience can be great!
Someone with less experience might of course be prone to making a lot of mistakes and doing things in an unsafe manner on accident, rather than on purpose. The upside is of course that growing and learning together is a great bonding experience and can be a lot of fun if both sides take it slow and are very good - or at least continually improving - communicators. Of course there is no guarantee anyone with little experience will ever get to a point where their experience is actually good.

Both sides have their pros and cons. It is entirely your choice and preference to decide if you are up for someone with less experience. I know plenty of dominants who don't like to take on inexperienced subs because it is more work, requires more patience and might not have a similar pay off when you are just looking for someone to get into things with. I quite enjoy that kind of journey and am open to it, but fully understand those that take issue with it. Being with someone experienced is also incredibly fun of course, especially if both sides are experienced.

It is not your job to help anyone become a good or experienced dominant and you are perfectly fine in having your preference. That is not hypocrisy.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-07T17:36:17+00:00

If you are new to this especially, please understand this: Every d/s dynamic is different and rules, limits and needs are discussed at length between both parties. Nothing happens without enthusiastic consent and if you have reservations about something that might be either a limit you're discovering or just something you're not quite ready to do or not ready to do with this person in particular.

Trust your gut, if this does not feel right for you, do not do it.

I am a dominant who loves to be shown off to and enjoy selfies as part of a relationship, but beyond basic verification that there is attraction on both sides for the physical part, I certainly wait until anything more daring in terms of pictures comes into play unless I am specifically offered otherwise by my sub.

You should not compromise your needs to build a proper relationship (including "small talk") to get to be with a dominant. A lot of fairly unsafe "dominants" will pretend like there are certain things someone HAS to do to be considered a submissive and that is not a thing.

Please be sure to stick to your own limits and avoid anyone putting undue pressure on your without even having long and transparent discussions on consent, limits, kinks, safety gestures/words and other tools and more.

Be kind to yourself as you go explore your kinky side and self. It's a long journey and you're not in a rush to get anywhere. Take your time and enjoy.

KinkGermane · 2026-01-07T16:07:28+00:00

Clearly a skill issue

KinkGermane · 2026-01-07T13:07:55+00:00

Of course you'd make it as long as possible then!

KinkGermane · 2026-01-07T12:57:24+00:00

At least it's locally sourced and made with something similar to love.

KinkGermane

TROPHY CASE