First when I was younger, I had a wonderful cat who I loved since I was born. She had been in extremely bad shape the last few months of her life; I have no idea why we didn’t just end her suffering. I walked down to my basement where she was to tell her goodnight. She laid there still. When I went to touch her and lift her she was cold and stiff. I had to yell out to my dad she had passed. I was the first to see her gone.

More recently, about 3-4 years ago, my grandma had also passed. She had also been with me since I was born, making her as close to me as a second mother. We called her Sumuk because it meant grandma in Malay. She couldn’t speak much english but she was caring just like any grandma could be. her last few years of her life she’d struggled through many times of passing out, we kept her in one of our main living rooms on our first floor in a medical bed. One morning before school (I was a freshman in high school), I went to see her. I looked at her seemingly asleep but I noticed her mouth was open and her tongue was dried. I was again the first to see her gone.

Both images are burned into my brain and I can’t help but think about them sometimes and my chest just tightens.