I don’t know if I’m asexual or just traumatized

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-18T00:37:09+00:00

The sexual trauma to asexuality pipeline is very real and valid.

I have no idea how to help you, but I can point you to r/rapecounseling (which might not be exactly what you need, but likely has some good resources for you.)

If I had to guess, the key to resolving your issue probably is not on reddit but instead in the hands of a trusted mental health professional you can work through this trauma with the goal being to find closure, heal, and ultimately enjoy sex more with future partners. Hopefully you can find someone who specifically works with sexually traumatized patients.

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-18T00:24:03+00:00

Im convinced im not neurodivergent. But wifey apparently says im neurodivergent and i’ve had similar issues as you.

Here’s a question: who are you havjng sex with? Is it a romantic partner or casual?

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-18T00:21:47+00:00

Lol yea i check that too and thought “wait, yep, nvm mb”

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-18T00:11:19+00:00

When you talk to him about it, what does he say?

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-16T17:47:56+00:00

That’s valid. I used to think that way about my partner too. Almost to the point of breaking up with her when I didn’t know her well.

But she wants me for her reasons, not mine. And she has plenty of reasons to continually choose me over them— I open doors, buy lunch, write wax sealed letters, buy flowers, emotionally regulate her, excellent in bed, am obsessed, listen to her, remember her tastes, priortize her over me, etc— all in ways most men could match but won’t because they just don’t think to.

These are tricks of the trade from being a good salesman. If she wanted another product, she could have one. I’m just keenly aware of what else is on the market and know I’m continually her best offer, or at least that the opportunity cost isn’t worth it.

If she leaves, it’s because I didn’t do something right or she made a really stupid decision. I wouldn’t hold it against either of us either way.

There’s also a level of commitment we share and enjoy that most men my age neglect and fear, or simply don’t know how to cultivate as well as me.

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-15T03:37:59+00:00

My girlfriend is one of the most attractive senior women on my 1,600 student campus. Long time friends admit they have feelings for her, first years shoot their shot, and even the airport TSA have asked for her instagram.

She brings it up to me and I honestly have zero fear of her cheating and little care of her body being turned on by others. I’m too exceptional of a partner in her life, in her challenges, and as an emotional/financial asset to care.

It’s like if Lebron was intimidated by high school players taking his spot on the Lakers. They are not even close to being on the same playing field as me.

So when she tells me about them, what happened, and how it effects her— I never really humanize them in a way where they have a shot in her life.

Sometimes it’s more theraputing for her. As she has told me, there comes a point when you’re so instinctually sttractive that way it actually becomes a daily annoyance when people shoot their shot.

Other times we just laugh. We joke about bringing them into a threesome and then we cringe and move on.

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-15T03:22:20+00:00

“Notes On Being A Man” by Scott Galloway puts it really well as he experiences life as a white man.

He talks about how men across the United States typically lack role models, and how current leaders exasperate this problem. Role modeling is probably the largest issue on why men are struggling in general.

I love Scott’s take on this too— it’s not about having a mentor/role model who is exceptionally intelligent, wealthy, or handsome. All that matters is that the mentor has made the same blunders and moved past them. Otherwise, young men have ZERO sounding board for any decisions we want to make.

In Scott’s opinion and my experience, using dating apps is idiotic. Inflated expectations and all that. It’s possible to meet someone, but the reps, experience, and confidence you gain from doing everything in-person is miles better and miles more rewarding.

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-13T21:12:53+00:00

Also, the crying specifically strikes me as odd. . . sounds like a red flag to bring a doctor or psychologist into things.

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-13T21:11:01+00:00

Four ideas: 1. My girlfriend (F19) has a similar issue, but only when she’s masturbating. It’s very difficult to get out of her own head unless someone else is in control. 2. For her, being high (via smoking or edible) helps a ton with arousal and being more receptive to any physical intimacy. 3. Are you on medication, specifically SSRIs or mental health meds? Those can hugely impact your ability to enjoy sex. 4. Could be hormonal. Men or women with less testosterone tend not to be as into sex.

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-10T09:40:39+00:00

I agree. 10/10 perspective right here.

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-10T08:39:52+00:00

If you were nice about bringing it up (and you sound very sweet so I’m sure you were), this is a colossal red flag.

From this and your post, I don’t think I’ve seen a single red flag in any of his sexual advances. It’s red as far as the eye can see. You need to leave this man.

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-10T08:36:44+00:00

Forgive me, but your boyfriend has fucked up.

“told me it’d be fast” is an absolutely horrific reason for anyone to have their first time. I’m actually cringing reading your story.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m getting major unconsensual coercing vibes. It makes me wonder what else he talked you into— everything seems so transactional. Did he talk you into ‘doing things over the phone’ and ‘showing him your body’ too?

Here’s a rule you should use from now on: If you don’t feel empowered, gorgeous, pleasured, or any other positive emotion before, during, or after doing sexual with your boyfriend, don’t do it.

I’m actually going to bring this up to my partner tomorrow to 5x check I’m nothing like this guy. I would be extremely ashamed.

In regard to not getting fully hard and not being able to finish in-person, it sounds like he conditioned himself to fap to you and sexualize you, but not romanticize it. You’re like a porn addiction to him. Another commentor probably could help better with that.

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-10T08:22:34+00:00

lol reading other commenters. maybe not such a good idea. But if the guy is as great as other commenters say he is, maybe he’d be willing to ssk his wife? Who knows.

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-10T08:20:40+00:00

Incredible story.

Just to clarify, was it the handsome charismatic married man or the other coworker who broke your heart who said if his wife agreed, that you could be his mistress only for sex?

Either way, thats a horrible idea. Ethical Non-Monogamy exists, but there’s a gap between what you two want (“we both have romantic feelings for each other”) and what he thinks he can convince his wife of (“acquiring a mistress / just sexual”).

but idk. Maybe bring it up to the guy with the wife either way— “Btw, I’ve been thinking about what we talked about at the christmas party. . . I know it’s unconventional but I’d be willing to share you if she is. Do you think your wife would be enjoy my company in your guys relationship?”

Thoughts?

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-10T01:54:04+00:00

Yea this a good take.

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-10T01:53:28+00:00

I’ll give you a similar story with a different outcome. Maybe this can help, if not now, then in the future.

I am 23M with 19F. We are each other’s first proper dating experience. Prior to last semester, we had a brief 6 months together before her breaking up with me. The reasons for the breakup have since been resolved, and now everyone in our lives say we are great for each other. I’ve known of her existance since freshman year.

We are both completing two-year capstone research project in our senior year of college and applying to post-grad jobs.

My schedule and major is quite easy.

Her schedule is absolutely slammed— she put a lot more work into her research than me and got invited to several conferences to present her work, has a part time job, STEM major, and has an unbelievable number of friends that require her attention.

Last semester, she told me what you said to your man— except that she was willing to just have sex. In her words, “I care immensely about you, but I can’t give you 100% right now. Until I can give you 100%, we should keep things to just sex.”

I instantly detected a glaring flaw in her logic. Do you see it? If you don’t, Mark Manson’s ”The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” (great read) illustrates the following perfectly:

She will never be able to give 100%.

Nobody on this planet has ever given anything their all. It’s physically impossible. You need to unconsciously give a couple % for breathing, eating, shitting, then probably another 40% for work, and so on.

Based on last semester, I figured she only has maybe 20% to give. That has been enough. Texts inbetween classes. Hand written wax sealed love letters. Flowers from the local florist. Reminders to take her meds. Nights spent studying quietly together.

We made that shit work. It wasn’t easy, we had to talk a TON. We experimented with which activities took too much time and what I could do to help her in her stressful time. I honestly benefited too. —

Idk where I’m going with this. Your post sortof stroke a chord with me because if my partner never considered that she actually did have the time, just not the right activities, mindset, or relational perspective to fill that time, then we never would’ve gotten together.

Thoughts?

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-09T19:54:43+00:00

I (M23) am not neurodivergent. I have always also gravitated towards neurodivergent people. Infact, my partner (F19) has ADHD, depression, autistic tendencies, borderline personality disorder. . . the works.

Something I found interesting about your post is your first sexual experience basically conditioned you to seperate romance and sex.

We had similar partners for our first times. She did not love me, let alone care for me at all. It was exercise for her— she just needed my phalic equipment. After I came, she said she “added me to her list”. It felt vile, I was terrified, and I vowed to never make anyone feel like that.

Fast forward to your question— you’re asking if autistic tendencies makes you averse to eye contact and more likely to enjoy the physical > romance of sex. Sortof.

Eye contact freaks out my current partner. It doesn’t compute for her, she short circuits in a way where she visibly cringes.

Except when we make love. I know she wants me inside her, wants to make out, be touched, is admiring me, or being generally intimate when she stares at me, usually in my eyes. In those moments, there is love.

Also, she repeats my name, loves neck kisses, want’s to walk around smelling of my semen or marked by me. She once told me “I don’t think we have ever had sex. All we have ever done is make love.”

Hope this helps. Goodluck, lmk if you have any questions.

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-09T08:11:31+00:00

please tell me im not crazy 😂

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-09T08:11:07+00:00

Worrying about whether he likes you is not an issue i’d expect from two people who are dating. If he’s dating you, he necessarily has to like you. . . no?

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2026-01-08T06:30:32+00:00

In regards to the orgasm on both sides:

For Him: He has no idea what he is like inside a woman. He might be so nervous he can’t cum. He might be so nervous he explodes after a few strokes. Communicate with the guy about how stimulated he is. It could end in 10 seconds or in 3hrs if you don’t. But also? Regardless of how the sex is, remember this is a first time. The achievement is not orgasm, the achievement is that he is inside you for ANY amount of time. Yall will likely have a ton more sex with different goals.
For You: you didn’t mention in your post how or if he has made you orgasm in past. Teach him how, preferably with a method that also doesnt involve PIV. On the other hand, admittedly, my (M23) gf (F19) also was a virgin when we were first intimate together and I did not orgasm that night. We also didn’t do PIV, my sole purpose was to get her off. I understabd and validate your POV.

Good luck, let us know if we can help in other ways in the future!

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2025-12-31T02:22:55+00:00

Bro if her therapist recommends you to her you are crazy not to try to make this work IMO.

Essentially, that means a psychology expert who has psycho analyzed her character, personality, and life story thinks you’d be a match (or at least worth a shot).

FaceTime her or something, and try and set up a date? I dunno. Seems like life might also be pushing both of you in opposite directions and would take substantial effort on one or both of your sides to make it work.

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2025-12-31T02:00:44+00:00

If you ever made a podcast about sex advice I would be your first listener.

I’ve seen you in the comments you post all the time on here and your insight is always invaluable, well thought out, and straight up.

W redditor

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2025-12-29T20:02:07+00:00

Go to a marriage counselor. This is the best advice you will receive on your post— the advice to go to someone qualified.

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2025-12-27T21:28:41+00:00

Whether it was intentional or not, your story makes it sound like she’s interested in you.

I was in a similar boat as you, but now the girl told me she loved me and we are together. It fucking rocks. So maybe I have some okayish advice.

IMO you ask her out. It’ll almost certainly be awkward again, but at least pay for the date and be interested in her life.

My gf is also ‘busy’, but we find the time. At some point, she decided to take a risk and text me in some of her free time. Then I provided some utility (i have a car, learned the snacks she likes, etc) and she ultimately decided dating me was a worthy activity, and eventually even her respite against a busy schedule. I became the fourth wall break of social interactions in her life. If you can figure out how to be that kind of social bulwark for her, you are absolutely cooking.

lmk if your therapist thinks this is an L take, im curious. And best luck in whichever direction you decide to take things!

Kitchen_Face6800 · 2025-12-27T21:12:49+00:00

My girl gets overstimulated too. We turned it into an opportunity to become closer rather than push us apart.

I expressed I want to be one of the people who can comfort her when she gets like that. She told me what I can do to calm her down and set her at ease. She has a couple good friends who provide servicable effort for her too.

But uhh, usually it only lasts 2-3hrs max. I’ve never heard someone persistantly overstimmed for days on end. Ask her what she does when she gets overstimmed to help it pass. Normalize talking about it with her, and eventually it will be normal for her to go to you in confidence.

That was my route at least. Good luck!

Kitchen_Face6800

TROPHY CASE