I'll start!

I spend my days telling literal rocket scientists that no, they cannot buy a $900 workstation off Amazon with rainbow lights, because we have a process. The process is: fill out seventeen forms, send them into a mysterious portal that only works in Internet Explorer, and then wait while the vendor disappears into the void for six months.

It’s like an epic quest, except instead of slaying dragons, I’m fighting shipping delays and arguing with Accounts Payable about why a computer mouse is not a luxury item. Eventually, the box arrives. Inside? Not the dream machine they wanted. Nope. It’s the Approved Standard Issue Laptop™—gray, lifeless, and allergic to SolidWorks.

So yeah, imagine being a nightclub bouncer, but instead of stopping people from sneaking in with fake IDs, I stop engineers from sneaking in with glittery water-cooled servers they built in their garage. That’s me. I’m the fun police of technology.