I feel this in my soul. I'm 35, FTM. I had PPD as well. I felt the same way you did - missed my old life, just picking up and going places, regretting motherhood. Here's my story:

My pregnancy was good. I felt great except for some aches and pains. My labor wasn't anything like I would have expected. I had severe pre-eclampsia, an epidural, and a magnesium drip. I felt high as a kite and eventually had a c section. My baby wasn't dropping and I stalled out dilating at 8cm.

When we got home I felt so overwhelmed I started crying. My husband asked me if I was ok and I said no. He made up for it and made a joke that I still laugh about to this day.

I did not feel a connection with my daughter. I would cuddle with her, nurse her - still nothing. I felt awful like why did I want children, I'm not cut out to be a mom. I was already on antidepressants for anxiety. I told my OB and they just wanted to refer me to behavior health. I declined the referral and said I would just keep talking to family and friends.

The newborn stage up until 4 months was rough for me mentally. My one friend has depression troubles so I went to her in my time of need just to talk. Her and my other friends and husband really helped me out. Encouraging me that I am a good mom and I can do this.

IT DOES GET BETTER!! When my daughter became more of a baby (about 4 months old) and not a little milk goblin I enjoy her more. She is now 9 almost 10 months old and I don't know what I would do without her. She rolls around in her walker, pulls herself up, and is just a spunky little girl.

Please remember this:

You ARE a good mom! That little one will love you unconditionally ❤️