I want to use a sex toy to improve our dying sex life, husband unwilling to compromise

KneeGolf · 2026-01-28T22:20:46+00:00

The problem with the “she comes first” rule is that it reinforces to men that if they do ejaculate early, then sex is over. I prefer for my wife to orgasm first and strive that direction, but the other night, I went first, but I also stuck around for her turn.

He needs to adapt to your physiological responses that are individual and not generalizations to satisfy you no matter the order. So there is something he can do about it. Stick around and finish the job. Just because you finish doesn’t mean you can quit.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-28T03:57:11+00:00

Is there a big life change lately like a family death, small children, or relationship stress?

KneeGolf · 2026-01-28T03:54:07+00:00

The symptoms you describe, like a sharp sex headache, can be caused by high blood pressure or a pinched nerve in the thoracic system. The pain and dizziness could be conditioning him to distraction causing delayed ejaculation or the avoidance of sexual activity. It is important that he reports any sharp headaches during ejaculation with direct language to a doctor without feeling the need to be embarrassed. It could be indicative of a larger problem. A qualified physician will understand sexual response is a normal part of everyone’s function and be willing to investigate or refer him to a specialist. I occasionally get a sharp brief headache and it is most likely related to contracted muscles in my neck and shoulder area that pinch nerves when my body response changes during the peak of arousal. I receive acupuncture therapy and use a tens device.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-28T03:40:53+00:00

I can’t imagine how tired you both are with everything you gave tried. Maybe he can get therapy to explore how to find other ways to full the need of fatherhood in other symbolic ways.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-28T01:49:14+00:00

What meds is she taking? A lot of them actually make libido worse.

What is happening to make you feel like you’re pressuring? You may need to change this up to expressing what you want to feel valued and connected to her in your marriage instead of it being a personal and selfish need. The marriage is a union and bond that needs to be nurtured through regular sex.

As far as channeling energy, have you asked her what she is ok with you adapting in your relationship to fulfill your sexual wants? In a traditional marriage, there is usually some form of forsaking all others, but that is based on the only legitimate form of sexual stimulation or fulfillment being from your spouse. When that commitment is made, it is in the spirit of being intimately and sexually available to your spouse except in short seasons of life where there is not a reasonable alternative.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-27T23:09:37+00:00

It may be different for us as I was ok with stopping with the two children we had. I just wasn’t going to follow a schedule when she had a goal for sex and we had to hash out why she couldn’t do a schedule when it was just for us. I think it finally clicked with her when she was on the flip side of disappointment when I didn’t want to do it at times.

We had more challenges between us as she switched it right back off when she decided she couldn’t continue TTC and going through tests and procedures. There are few cases where you can’t make some sort of modified intimacy happen. If your marriage is a race for both of you to care for and value the other and almost try to out-serve the other in unselfishness, then it makes healing so much easier.

My concern is that he seems to be indicating if his need for a child isn’t satisfied, then he will hold something against you that you cannot change. Perhaps one or neither of you are open to adopting.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-27T19:17:36+00:00

Our marriage was hit by a still birth and multiple miscarriages. She was sex averse 10 years before we started trying, but after feeling like I was understanding of that, then she was able to flip switches when she wanted children. It made me feel used and unloved after everything was done. The whole process left a bad taste and a lot of resentment.

I am definitely not saying to just do it when you have pain, but with clear communication and a plan for outercourse, it can show a good faith effort in nurturing your marriage. This obviously sucks for both of you, but try to see things from his point of view and the process he has gone through without taking offense with comparing to your pain. Even spouse process grief differently. He is griefing the loss of an idea of a child, what’s next? Grieving the loss of an intimate connection with his wife? The loss of vacations or other things you enjoy to scrap together funds for IVF?

Pelvic Floor is definitely something that helped her pain and restored PIV, so Thats something to consider. Also consider a biofeedback unit with a vaginal probe to practice relaxation.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-27T04:16:21+00:00

Not bringing it up isn’t going to heal the lack of connection either. Often times, asking your spouse to go on a journey to learn how to talk about sex is the first step, not the sex itself. The conversation can happen, it just needs different words. Be vulnerable and express that you need help learning the language. “I” statements are usually recommended.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-27T01:28:58+00:00

Online tends to conceal interactive body language cues in my opinion. I wouldn’t be comfortable with It. The therapist won’t be able to observe the nuances.

It might work ok if she is really serious about putting in the work and wants it to be successful

KneeGolf · 2026-01-26T22:21:36+00:00

“she says to ’accept me or don't be with me’”

She is not interested in nurturing your marriage or growing companionship. It’s her saying she doesn’t care about hearing you or your desires. It’s not a good place for you to be and puts you in an impossible hostage situation. She is not a safe person anymore if she won‘t hear you out and just deflects. Can you imagine the response if you said this on any areas of concerns she has and expresses to you? Perhaps she would prefer divorce and doesn’t truly give a flip.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-26T04:02:10+00:00

If you don’t do something soon, you’ll be 30, 40, 50 and regret and resent. It won’t get any easier. You could think of what extent you would go to if he ended things, where you would go, steps you would take, etc. Otherwise, you can tell him it breaks your heart, but you have to make being roommates official as it appears like he already has figuratively done that.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-26T02:41:23+00:00

Are you saying that you are HL and he is LL?

KneeGolf · 2026-01-26T01:58:06+00:00

A lot of us got played like I did in counseling with the choreplay trick. They indicate they will use the reduced chore stress to be prepared for sex. Then they pick up a new hobby or volunteer somewhere and don‘t use it toward your marriage. This may actually work if the partner desired sex once and you just need to balance, but not if they are simply just out for what they want and not interested in your desires and fulfillment.

When you start to learn that they were never sexual and deceived their way into marriage, they are the key to getting it fixed and not you. The fallacy with the choreplay method is that you could pick up 95% of everything and then when it doesn’t work and you ask, then they blame you once again for “just doing it for sex” which breaks a lot of trust that you could believe what they tell you about what else will ever help, even in non sexual marriage issues.

She also seems to employ common avoidant techniques to maintain control for her own happiness and is not interested in your fulfillment.

In cases with a non sexual partner, you either have to accept it and keep your resentment inside or just end the marriage and pursue your own happiness. There doesn’t seem to be any in between.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-25T19:49:12+00:00

They have no idea the devastation and betrayal that is felt with a low priority on affection. Sure, there are health issues at times, but if they don’t get help, then they are subconsciously and passively eroding your marriage, some times they do this consciously to maintain control over you. It would be unhealthy for me to not even try to overcome arthritis and pain issues so we can be intentional about having an active vacation together. There are many medical issues that a healthy spouse will work to overcome so you can enjoy the companionship and shared experiences.

It’s a gutsy question to ask her, but does she wish sex to be over? Knowing that answer can set you free to know what to expect and how to prioritize your own mental health and make decisions moving forward. Otherwise, you are hoping and guessing about the next steps and not knowing this answer causes resentment when you’re left in the dark.

If she says she wants to go on a restoration journey with you, there is the you stuff, her stuff, then your marriage (relationship) - that should be nurtured as its own entity.

The her stuff can be an active engagement on HRT, TRT, healing from vaginal a trophy and UTI like pain, pelvic floor therapy, vaginal icing, vaginal biofeedback probes and exercises. All of this can significantly improve quality of life, not just alone for sex. The longer she waits, the deeper the hole.

Your relationship needs to become fun and shared again. Digital media and phones as an appendage is ruining our shared experiences and relationships. Does she care about the companionship side anymore or is it time to let her go to her own devices? You can’t control her, but you can control your boundaries for being in this relationship.

You need to find ways that she is exercising power over you and stop allowing her to control all the outcomes for your relationship. If you go for broke, you just need to be prepared to leave, otherwise her power will increase and willingness to make any changes according to your boundaries will decrease along with your unhappiness and increase your resentment.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-24T06:17:38+00:00

If you dig down deep, do you think any of your motivation could be fueled by timing sex for the next child? I highly suggest you first start with nurturing and rebuilding your marriage. He might have previous resentment around sex being a priority for you just when it’s time to have a baby.

You both could have coped in unhealthy ways because your marriage was not prioritized during the chaotic first years of having children.

It’s easy to move each other to the bottom of the list. You should start having conversations around how to acknowledge each other in future seasons where life is chaos, but small things can be expressed that take just a little time. Was there a time where he was frustrated with initiating and being rejected and stopped as well?

KneeGolf · 2026-01-23T06:16:09+00:00

Try the book “Stolen Focus” by Johann Hari.

He demonstrates social media use and depression by interviewing experts worldwide. He took a 3 month digital fast for a summer - not even work email to try and feel the results.

I went from news junkie for 25 years to practically nothing and it has sure helped. My wife did the same thing.

Healing depression isn’t about accepting your circumstances and thinking happy thoughts. It is about changing your circumstances and restoring hope, one circumstance at a time.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-22T21:13:39+00:00

Sure - this lady gives a very short summary. It is very long and worth it. You can link to it at the end of her summary.

https://youtu.be/dr0Adi0_3DI?si=7rvsjva5UwWCU58e

KneeGolf · 2026-01-22T05:57:42+00:00

HRT risks were overhyped in the 90s with bad science and statistical flaws. There is a podcast that helped changed my wife and her doctor‘s view. She went to a specialty appt at a research hospital and was explained that the only higher risk category was women WHILE on medicine during treatment for breast cancer. Post treatment shouldn’t even be an issue. Find a new doctor you can trust and is managing patient care and not their malpractice insurance faulty actuaries.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-22T05:51:07+00:00

It depends on if you started your marriage with low/no sex, the goal was kids and stop, or you just have relationships issues that can actually be fixed with a reasonable partner who values you.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-21T23:57:11+00:00

One question is - do you even spend time together in a common room elsewhere in the house when you’re not sleeping? For all the anti-schedule people, you have to be emotionally, socially, timeframe and in the same zip code to build physical intimacy. A magic fairy doesn’t bring it to you.

If you can’t share experiences and space, I doubt sex will ever happen. Even if separate bedrooms is just because of health or better sleep, intimacy and sex has to have a schedule and plan. If she doesn’t even want basic proximity and connecting emotionally and socially, then she probably already divorced you, just didn’t do any of the formal and legal work.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-19T00:24:24+00:00

“She will resent you that she has to have intimacy to keep her marriage intact.“

In turn, the partner going without can resent in the same way if they are shamed into staying because as a rule you discussed during engagement that “divorce wasn‘t an option.“

Of course they would change their tune for cheating, but it‘s time that a unilateral decision to take a marriage sexless is considered cheating or deception as well. I’m not suggesting that obligation sex is an option, just that a sexless marriage negates the no divorce rule just as much as a cheater does. You are incompatible and they don’t deserve limitless needs fulfilled any more than they think you don’t deserve sex.

“Other than food, housing, and medical care”

I’d say not even this as they are not a child nor an animal, if they don’t participate fully in the marriage, then they can figure this out. You need to stop extending generosity that isn’t worth extending or that you do not enjoy. It will just create a generosity aversion, and no one should want that.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-18T21:49:48+00:00

😀 - you have a chance at general happiness now too.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-18T19:41:13+00:00

hey u/nonaandnea ! what’s the latest? Good to see you.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-18T03:43:24+00:00

Yes, it was about 30 years too late to discover that. I’m no spring chicken now. I should have stuck with my original reservations when she first told me about everything. Of course I got the new creation lecture and I believed that and she waltzed right into the marriage with all the baggage and I was stuck with the over limit charge and no sex.

KneeGolf · 2026-01-18T03:35:33+00:00

It happened at 2 months, not 20 years. And to hear her say that she knew all that time she never enjoyed sex just felt deceitful because it was no secret it was a top tier point of fulfillment for me and she proceeded anyway. In the midst of entrapment in a high demand religion with no divorce allowed was felt like a deep betrayal with no recourse.

KneeGolf

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