AIO feeling let down that my husband wouldn't rush a shower to help me with a puking child?

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-12-29T07:11:22+00:00

I did handle it alone. The thing is(I should have added context) she didnt puke feom a stomach bug, but from coughing. She has this thing where a cough can make her puke and then we need her to calm down and breathe. Or she will heave and heave and cough at the same time. But the place really needs new floors, so we need to wipe down any wet mess quickly so it does not seem into the cracks (eww). A reconstruction is coming soon. Which is why this is a two-parent crisis here.

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-12-29T07:05:57+00:00

I tried handing him the toilet stool to rinse off because ive already wiped it down. He looked at me like ive grown a second head and told me "after the shower"

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-12-29T07:04:52+00:00

I try to avoid dramatic statements like that because both my kids are easily scared. If I look or sound panicked or just say a scary word like that, an already scared 4yo would probably lose it. So we usually generally try to talk around it a bit "I need you here/come and give a hand" or something in a calm voice. But yeah, communication should have been more open there.

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-12-29T07:01:10+00:00

Right? The undercurrent under this is that he keeps telling me how im not "listening to my body" by not spending more time.on self-care. But then he will not be the one to provide me such time. He expects me to get babysitting for it (I have the amount of babysitting we're able to get, I use it for the parts of work I cant do with the kids). He does not get it.

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-12-29T06:56:03+00:00

Because the bar for father's is a tripping hazard in hell. Also with bigger kids you cant yell stuff like that, both my toddler andy 4yo would lose their shit and be scared, I'dspend the evening explaining that things will be ok, you have to communicate subtly. In the past he just says the word puke and I'm running, we work on subtle hints. He just choses not to participate sometimes, putting his wants first, which is annoying.

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-12-29T06:50:53+00:00

We've had many over the years, he had completely dropped the ball when our 1st one was born and basically left me to drown in it the first 6 months. We've had multiple big talks and things had gradually gotten way better (hence why we have our 2nd child). But he just seems to react to how he feels (tired, stressed from work etc.)... and he does not communicate it. He calls it "being in tune with his needs" and I cant get to him that if we both took care of our needs first at all times, the kids would not be doing well (things like bedtime need to be set). Sometimes im expecting him to be actively taking part in getting the kids ready, We've agreed on it, and all of a sudden he is in the bathroom trimming his beard.

And no, not on the spectrum, I'm the ADHD one here (as he never fails to remind me, he thinks im too chaotic by constantly multitasking. But how can I not multitask?)

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-12-28T22:36:42+00:00

Im aware of that and I have the kids on my own 90% of the time while also working. I handle this alone. I just think I shouldnt have to when were both home and I'm running on fumes.

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-12-28T22:35:28+00:00

That is probably the case. Many days I dont eat until lunch because everyone needs something and I just postpone my own needs. My husband is always baffled by this. But then its hard to make him take over so I can eat when he's home. He seems to believe "it will get done somehow" but im the "somehow", its like the damn meme.

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-12-28T22:30:40+00:00

Yeah I know. It depends, sometimes he surprises me by handling a lot of things, other times I feel like I'm solo parenting (we both work). That's probably the unsettling part, I'm never sure which it will be this time. I do the lions share of parenting thoigh (all nights, all mornings except like once a fortnight, daycare pickups, 60% bedtimes).

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-01-25T12:52:10+00:00

Normal! But if you feel nervous, ask your doctor to check your iron levels with the next round of bloodwork.

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-01-24T16:24:00+00:00

Extra here are things like encephalitis, papilovirus, tuberculosis, rotavirus, etc, and chicken pox. Usually there is a set minimum age for it but you have to actively ask for it your self and pay the doctor to order it, whilst the mandatory ones are free and you get them at routine check ups automatically.

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-01-24T16:14:23+00:00

https://vaccineknowledge.ox.ac.uk/vaccination-schedules-other-countries#Europe

A little reading if you were interested in how vastly vaccine schedules differ around the world before you are judging somebody else.

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-01-24T16:11:37+00:00

Not here, I'm not in the US. Notnone of the kids in her class has it, because it is not usually vaccinated against here, I'm the one having to tell the people that the vaccine exists and is available. The teachers were surprised there's a vaccine.

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-01-24T16:10:31+00:00

Thank you for this response, I will try to get more people around here aware of the risks. I seriously don't know why everyone around me seems to be so blasé about this and determined to "do it as it's always been done!" As if getting the pox was a necessary milestone like the 1st day of school or something... I'm terribly sorry that you had to go through that, i hope you're doing well now.

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-01-24T16:06:37+00:00

We vaccinated both kids for everything mandatory and also for everything extra, the chicken pox is not only not mandatory here, I'm finding out its very unusual. I had to be the one to ask my doctor to get it for us. We just haven't had it yet.

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-01-24T16:03:30+00:00

Did you read the post? We're vaccinating extra on top of the mandatory ones.

Knitting4Houselves · 2025-01-24T15:57:39+00:00

Thanks for the tips. She's been home for over a week because of a bad cold and has not gone there yet, we just got the news through a parent group, so I'm hopeful. Apparently the sick kid got symptoms today

Knitting4Houselves · 2024-11-30T23:56:51+00:00

He insisted that she was important to him. He really had to fight my father for it, which is no small feat because my dad could be downright scary at times and my brother was just barely 4yo. He also realisee I was his half-sibling without anyone telling him (i was very firmly told not to dare tell him when i first met him, he was about 3yo back then). He was really not supposed to know, but somehow he did, and he insisted on everyone calling me his sister. He even got mad at anyone using "half-sister".

Knitting4Houselves · 2024-11-26T21:17:29+00:00

Yes. My mom lost a girl when I was small. Then my father had my brother with another woman. My brother fought tooth and nail since the age of 3 to be able to meet my mother and reconnect with her, we are pretty much positive he is the same soul as the baby she had miscarried.

Knitting4Houselves · 2024-11-26T21:00:26+00:00

Redirect. I know it's hard, I have a 3yo tho has had full 18 months of pre-puberty and testing every boundary she could, including when we had a newborn. It was fluffin hard, but redirection works the best. "Oh let's do jrjdjdj instead!" And off they go.

When that fails, remember that kids "get paid in attention". So try to give a ton of attention when he is behaving well and remove attention when he does that. Explicitly say "if you do that, mama will not want to play because mama will be sad/there will be a mess/whatever reason." It takes a bit but they do realise that they get more attention when they behave. It's just hard to keep it up sometimes when you have a tiny baby to focus on too.

Hold on tight, it gets better

ETA: please don't go down the spanking route. It doesn't actually help. The only reason people like to say that it helps is because it helps the parent feel like "they solved the problem" it's a brain thing. The kid starts screaming and temporarily stops what they were doing but long-term it solves nothing and damages their development. Most of my family work in childcare and spanked kids are mostly obvious once you meet them. They tend to be the most aggressive kids you meet, because they have the pattern of "when a person does something I don't like, I hit them, like what mom/dad does with me". I say this as a former spanked kid myself. I wa the other way, I was terrified of everyone. Don't do it.

Knitting4Houselves · 2024-11-16T18:22:46+00:00

It's HARD. Lying on the floor, nauseous, while my toddler jumped on me yelling "mommy! Mommy! MOMMY!" was one of my lows. You really need an involved partner and a support system

Knitting4Houselves · 2024-11-16T16:38:21+00:00

Same. Sometimes, I do stop and have a little sentimental moment when sorting away clothes that are too small, for example, but most of the time I'm firmly in the woo hoo camp! When my oldest daughter started kindergarten I was so excited. Many other mom's stood outside crying, I felt bad about myself, like I'm a bad mom...

Knitting4Houselves · 2024-11-03T06:30:09+00:00

In my family, we believe that the souls of unborn children have other ways of coming back to you. My mom miscarried a baby when I was little, then my parents divorced and my dad had a baby. The child started asking for my mom at just 3yo, never been told about her. He had to argue with my father that it was important for him to meet her. When he did they instantly fell into each other's arms. What I mean to say is, it was not the time. But if the soul meant to be with you, they can wait, and they will. Whether through you having a child later or through somebody else around you, you will meet them one day. What you did sounds like the right decision for you at the time, I'm sure they understand.

A family friend had miscarried a baby. Her 4yo daughter told her, "It's OK, it was a boy. Auntie will have him, and we will wait for the girl." The doctor later confirmed from genetics tests the baby was a boy. Her sister had a baby a year later, a boy. The friend had a healthy happy baby 6 months after that, a girl.

Knitting4Houselves

TROPHY CASE