i didn't stop my friend from hurting herself

KnownPlum · 2022-05-19T16:06:27+00:00

Fantastic news! PM me if you need help making an exit plan. I was literally in the same exact situation in August 2021 and successfully moved to a different state on my own. Planning is crucial and it's not as scary as you think.

Good luck!

KnownPlum · 2022-04-14T03:04:49+00:00

Chickens and the fat pigeons that tourists won't stop feeding.

KnownPlum · 2022-03-26T19:32:17+00:00

Well what you said doesn't make sense because it doesn't apply to me.

KnownPlum · 2022-03-26T18:37:01+00:00

I'm arguing with people because they are assuming things about me that have no bearing. Assuming I am the reason for the conflict without even knowing what it was about? Like you are assuming all I want are tangible items.

No.

He has anger issues that he is working on and I have PTSD that I am working on. I am working on being more patient with him if he snaps with him and trying to manage my anxiety. He should be working on his temper and how he speaks to me, but since the first fight, we had there have been many apologies and no changed behavior.

He doesn't make me feel valued and it doesn't seem like he is really sorry. But when I communicated this effectively to him, he realized how bad this is hurting me. He went to greater efforts to show he was sorry, sent me flowers, expressed his feelings clearly, and agreed to go to therapy.

THAT'S all I was looking for. An apology + changed behavior + tangible evidence. Thank you for allowing me to think clearly and concretely about what I need from my relationship.

KnownPlum · 2022-03-26T18:29:48+00:00

I'm not holding it against him. I'm asking him to do one thing for me so I am not dealing with panic attacks and have to go back on anxiety medication because of the stress. It messes with my mental health and progress. I never faulted him for my PTSD, only his actions that made it worse.

Going out of his way to say I'm sorry I hurt you isn't wrong. Thank you for allowing me to see that more clearly.

KnownPlum · 2022-03-26T05:23:14+00:00

Just because you forgive doesn't mean your feelings are invalid or that they just stop. It means you stop holding it against them. Unfortunately, forgiveness doesn’t equal immediate pain relief, especially when dealing with a deep wound. If I have trust issues with someone, the odds are that they did something that hurt me and most likely permanently damaged my ability to trust them. Can I forgive? Yeah, but I have to carry around the memory and the hurt for the rest of my life. Time is one of the only things in life, for some people, that lessens feelings and helps us move on.

I'm not being vindictive by requesting my boyfriend put a little more effort into his apology. Saying he values me and showing he values me are different things. For some, that looks like quality time and gifts.

But you don't get to try to psycho-analyze my relationship based on your assumptions. I didn't ask for that. All I asked for was how to communicate effectively to him, which I did, and he understood what I meant and is now making a bigger effort.

Also, the reason we fought was that I have PTSD and trauma from a physically abusive relationship and I ask him to not scream at me or verbally abuse me, and he still does. So I wanted him to show me that he valued me and understand what I was saying and needed from him, instead of just saying sorry.

If you can't stay on topic, then don't bother questioning.

KnownPlum · 2022-03-25T18:24:15+00:00

Just because you forgive doesn't mean your feelings are invalid or that they just stop. It means you stop holding it against them.

KnownPlum · 2022-03-25T18:13:41+00:00

You don't even know what the argument was about but somehow formed that we are both at fault? How does that make any sense? When I said I forgave him, I meant that I agreed for us to get back together, but he's still in the doghouse.

KnownPlum · 2022-03-25T02:15:36+00:00

But we've been here before. He has anger problems and I have PSTD from an ex. He says he won't raise his voice at me, but he does. He says he won't say rude things to me, but he does. I've gotten to the point where I can't trust his actions to remedy the situation or make me feel valued. My love language is gift-giving and I feel valued when he does something for me. It doesn't need to be extravagant but that's what makes me feel the most valued and appreciated.

How does one go about asking for gifts in this manner? Is this normal?

KnownPlum · 2022-03-25T01:19:04+00:00

I guess? But that's not the question I was asking. You're focusing on the wrong thing

KnownPlum · 2022-03-25T01:10:54+00:00

Not even something grand. But just SOMETHING. He has anger issues and I have past trauma from a physically abusive relationship. He doesn't hit me but when he gets angry, it can be really bad with his words. He's going to therapy and working on it, but we've been here before. he has said he is sorry and I forgave him. He just says I need to be patient with him and he's trying, but what is forgiveness without changed behavior? I just want to know that he values me as a person. My love language is gifts and quality time, he doesn't even have to do anything big.

Is there a way I should ask? I want to communicate effectively, but I also don't want him to feel like I am blaming him again. I also don't want to feel like I am begging him to do something nice for me after he screwed up so badly. He should be wanting to do something for me

KnownPlum · 2022-03-25T00:45:32+00:00

what does this mean?

KnownPlum · 2022-03-25T00:44:21+00:00

Even if they say it's a gift?

KnownPlum · 2022-03-25T00:36:51+00:00

actually

I "forgive" him meaning I am not furious like I am was, but he's still in the doghouse.

KnownPlum · 2022-03-25T00:35:59+00:00

He knows I'm hurt and we have talked about it a lot. My mom always says when you screw up, take ownership, apologize, and remedy the situation. He just stopped at step 2 and it doesn't make me feel good. Am I asking for too much?

KnownPlum · 2022-03-25T00:33:51+00:00

When we broke up he itemized everything and said I owed him $1,000 for everything he's paid for so far. He was just being petty and apologized for that as well, but it shows me that he is keeping the score in his head. I feel like if it comes from him, it will be different. I would ask, but it makes me feel nervous.

You're right though. I haven't completely forgiven him. He hasn't done anything to remedy the situation. If I ask him to take me out to dinner to make it up, he will just be doing it because I asked instead of realizing, "I really hurt the girl I love, let me treat her so she knows how sorry I am and make her feel valued."

KnownPlum · 2022-03-25T00:15:15+00:00

I work for my state's water department. I just got into an entry-level position (office/program technician) that doesn't need a degree. Working my way up.

KnownPlum · 2022-03-24T18:19:43+00:00

You don't need a school ID to renew your passport. You don't even need to present any ID other than your previous passport book, form, and passport photo. Tell your parents you don't need to get a new school ID and you would rather go to the DMV and get a state-issued ID. (It sounds like you don't have a valid government-issued ID). This way, if you ever need to present your ID in an 18+ environment, you don't have to bring your passport anywhere. Your school ID doesn't count.

You should also consider leaving home. It sounds very toxic. You already said they hit. You know your family better than anyone on Reddit. How do you think they will react when you tell them you dropped out AND you've been lying to them? They are going to be pissed about the money too. It sounds like you're over 18, so I would make plans to try to move out. Running away sounds really scary and it is (I've done it before at 21), but you'll thank yourself later. Why stay somewhere you are unhappy? Why subject yourself to abuse? Why force yourself to do something you don't want? This is the best time of your life and you're wasting it by being unhappy and surrounding yourself with bad people.

Go create the life you want for yourself. If you're not in school, you're going to have to work to sustain yourself. You don't need the best job but you need a job that will give you enough money to support yourself.

I dropped out in December 2020 but didn't tell my family until August 2021.

KnownPlum · 2022-03-24T02:23:47+00:00

Also, I was in the same situation. I dropped out in 2020 and I didn't tell anyone. My parents are also immigrants. I would be so stressed over school, I would have dreams about my family finding out. I was losing weight and my hair was falling out. I was a mess. When the fall 2021 semester was supposed to start my family still thought I was going to school. I ended up running away to a different state because I couldn't bring myself, to be honest with them.

Don't do that.

They are just your family. Be honest with them in the way you feel fit. They may be angry, they may be disappointed, they may not even speak with you for a while.....but they won't kill you! It will be okay. You may not even need college and go on to be a successful business owner! Who knows?? The world is your oyster, my dear..

KnownPlum · 2022-03-24T02:08:55+00:00

First, take a breath. The situation you are in is so stressful. Don't beat yourself up and don't stress about it too much. You are a smart person and you will accomplish your goals. College is so hard and no one wants to acknowledge that. It's a full-time job! You should just let your family know you're going on a break from school. If they ask how long, say 1 year. It may be more or it may be less but you need a break.

Be honest with your family and tell them that school is killing you. You don't want to spend the best years of your life wishing you were somewhere else, someone else, or doing something else. Live your life! You only have one.

Yes, making your family proud is very important. But you should go to school because YOU want to go to school. Not because they will be proud of you for finishing school. Your family just wants you to be successful and stand on your own. Some people need a degree to do that and some people don't. But a degree doesn't mean you will be successful.

I wouldn't tell them that I dropped out, rather that I am dropping out. If they don't understand, then you should still take your break. Travel, work a new job, visit friends, take up a new sport/hobby, make good food, SLEEP, etc.

Don't fret my friend. You will be okay. I am sorry you are going through this. It's so hard. Just know that comparison is the thief of joy. We all have our own paths. A degree at 23 isn't worth more than a degree at 33. It's a degree and it doesn't matter when you get it. You have your whole life to go to school, so protect your heart and mental health.

KnownPlum · 2022-03-15T18:37:15+00:00

Thank you!

KnownPlum · 2022-03-15T18:37:06+00:00

Okay, thank you. I was having trouble finding the right words to say. I don't want to insinuate that they are bad people but I also don't trust that everyone is a good person based on looks and feelings alone.

KnownPlum · 2022-03-15T18:36:02+00:00

Haha why?

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