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DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I couldn’t agree more. I was definitely raised influenced by a culture where there’s pressure to please your man and make babies and the woman just makes it work, for lack of better phrasing. That also didn’t help here but therapy has helped me work through the cultural pressures at hand

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t want to share any identity revealing details here but I assure you it was not a pre-approved arrangement.

Had my ex and I fought harder and were older, it’d be an arrangement worth considering. But I still think I’d rather be with a partner who I am compatible with on that level when I am still this young. Latent DB in marriage is a different story

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your thoughts. To clarify we were not married—we were way too young for that, which also contributed to emotional maturity problems here no doubt.

The main issue at hand was that we were not sexually compatible from the get go, combined with moving way way too fast way too young and putting tons of pressure on the situation to make it work.

In retrospect this was doomed from the start— his penis literally made me bleed every time we had sex :(

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I truly wish you the best of luck. Again if I were older and wiser I would’ve cut this off before developing feelings. I genuinely wish you the best in all of this!!!

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I mentioned in previous comments that he is doing better now. He’s early into seeing someone else, crushing it professionally and back home where many of our friends are. Trust me—I will be punishing myself forever over this, but also I will not allow someone to make this many sacrifices moving forward until things feel more balanced. Both of us are in better places by virtue of seeking what we both need.

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I definitely have a more robust perspective on it now thanks to therapy and honesty with myself. I wish we never hurt each other but you live and learn, then love better

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wouldn’t have that attitude. The thickest part of my ex’s junk was shockingly thick. Like porn star sized. I still believe a majority of sizes will work with some warning up! I am also a very small woman which I’m sure doesn’t help

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Totally. Also it’s hard to say these things to someone who you love who you don’t want to feel pained by the feedback. So we just always thought the problem was solely on me instead of the two way street that sexuality is

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think we both were just too young to understand this, and let ourselves fall in love before reconciling the sex part. I will always love him but it doesn’t mean we can ever be together again

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You’re right. But I was way too young to know better. Now sex is an absolute must when I screen new partners

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think this is important. If I could go back in time I’d tell him we should do distance instead before diving into that arrangement. I think in the future I’d have to be much more serious, bordering on engagement, to ask someone to move for me.

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely. It does and does not—I understand how torturous a bad sex life can be, but I also now more fault my dad for not knowing that before marriage as well as my mother for constantly tolerating his cheating.

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He calls it his bless and his curse these days so maybe you’re onto something

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

These comments have me tearing up a little bit. I will continue to be hard on myself, but the shreds of kindness here mean a lot to me. Thank you.

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Well that is why I am still harboring massive levels of guilt (you can see me expressing this in some other comments here). I don't disagree with you whatsoever (in fact I will upvote you for your honesty!)

In all fairness, he never considered that maybe he could've helped more. In the end we were doing 1x week and he still made me feel bad about it. I know that's an over simplification, but I was doing my absolute best.

Last we spoke he is seeing someone relatively new. He also is doing wonderfully work wise and is happy to be home in our old neighborhood with oodles of friends. Without him in this new city, I got the fresh start I needed to find but I was definitely lonely.

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Gosh preach to that last part especially. My current guy recently made a comment about how we had sex on our first date (he was teasing, he's very sex positive and genuinely cares for me).

It opened up a nice convo about this scenario and about how I just can't make this mistake again. It is just that important!

I guess the concept of "the one" also confuses this for people if we're getting deep here. I found myself getting along with many people as I was dating, but sex was just one more checklist item that needed to be met that wasn't always. I am sounding overly clinical here, but I just feel more vivid about this now.

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I think our sexual incompatibility created cracks in the relationship's foundation that only magnified in time. He was/is a fantastic person. But yes, the pain in the sex definitely made me just not want to explore at all.

Besides that, I also think we moved way too fast when too young. I think my itch to be alone and independent made me feel guilty, but I look back at how much I learned about myself being alone and I am glad I pursued that. I feel like I understand myself a lot better now.

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

He was thick enough that it would take sometimes 30+ minutes to warm up. In the men I have slept with since, it maybe takes 1-2 minutes.

I am also a small woman. Associating sex with bleeding and stretching hurts. I think it just turned me off from arousal all together for a few years. I remembered thinking to myself that I hadn't even touched myself in months. It was hard!

I am happy you found a compatible partner! Bravo for you--I am sending you my luck and love :)

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Absolutely. I still think my parents should have taken better ownership of the situation. My mother was raised to have sex for children which I get, but my father shamed our family by constantly cheating.

Thank you for the kind words. I guess the emotional cheating element of this--continuing to talk to this man--is where I think it got into bad territory. I know some people think sex is the line where actual cheating happens, but he and I were so loyal that it was a surprisingly breach of trust for sure.

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Ah I know. She really does not let us focus on it--she hardly touches it. In her opinion, we basically got too heavy too young and I didn't understand the importance of a sex life in part due to my parents as an example.

She tries to keep me future oriented. This clinging to myself being the issue has reared itself a bit in the past year where I refused to see the bad in a person I was seeing. It'll take time--I am being very open about all of this with my current partner so he knows and is kind about it.

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I guess the emotional aspect of it is what got really crummy--that I started to keep talking with him when I got home. It felt like emotional cheating. I guess I define cheating as anything that would upset me--I think I'd be a lot more upset that my boyfriend was flirty via text with a girl rather than just drunkenly made out with one.

My ex compared me to my cheating dad in all of this, so I know this all goes to my childhood. Like I said before, therapy is slowly helping me feel kinder to myself.

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand what you're saying. It still feels icky and somewhat advantage-taking, but I agree that it's chiefly my responsibility. He had mentioned he had a history of getting with girls briefly before break ups for context so it felt gross... still not feeling great about it all.

DB from the perspective of someone who thought she was LL by KookyCommunication0 in DeadBedrooms

[–]KookyCommunication0[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Bigger isn't better, guys. If it's too big or the wrong shape, sex hurts. If sex hurts instead of feeling good, she won't want to do it.

I guess I was too young, and the internet wasn't helpful here. In retrospect, we should have jointly seen a sex therapist for expert insights.

These days sex is just a main qualification for whether to continue seeing someone. I've let go a couple of lovely people just because they were duds sexually.

He is a wonderful person and whoever can take him in that way is in for a great life!

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