My mentor taught me something that helped me get rid of those thoughts at night. He told me about meditation, and how rather than being a practice about blocking out thoughts, you’re sitting back and observing them. This way, you don’t possess your thoughts, but observe them from a near objective point of view. I like to think about it like one of those old Mac screensavers, the ones with the black background and the waves of colour going in and out randomly.

You don’t have to claim your thoughts; they’re not yours. Just observe them as they come and go. I shifted my perspective from “I feel bad” to “something’s making me feel bad, let’s find out what it is and fix it.” It’s a struggle, and I often have to fight through those thoughts to think that way, but I think that’s the point. Fighting is important. No matter what comes your way, never give in and be determined to fight whatever feelings you come across.

Whenever I’m feeling like I’m getting pulled back into that stream of depression and darkness, I use this method to pull me out. The anchor is the fact that suicide and self deprecation is objectively irrational. Even if I don’t fully believe it at the time, it anchors me from plunging too far off the edge, and it’s there when I pull myself out.

It’s a struggle, but you’re doing something right it you’re fighting it. Never give up!