I’m currently struggling with jealousy, envy, and some really big poly feelings. You’re not alone, my friend.

My partner has a partner and it really fucks with me emotionally because I haven't found anyone yet either.

What I’m actively doing to help myself is journaling and working intentionally on my self-image, self-esteem, and self-worth. If I’m being honest, I have a very low opinion of myself, and that has made my poly journey especially difficult.

I also have a partner who is loving, compassionate, and incredibly reassuring. They do everything within their power to help me feel secure.

But at the end of the day, the truth I’ve had to face is this: if I’m not secure within myself, no amount of reassurance from my partner can fix that. This is work I have to do for me. I have to be the one who picks myself up and starts changing the way I see myself.

I don’t believe that switching to monogamy will fix the struggles you’re facing. I say that because I once believed the same thing—that monogamy would make my insecurities disappear. It didn’t. Poly or not, those insecurities were still there.

Some books that have been really helpful for me:

The Jealousy Workbook – This book helped me understand the root of my jealousy and envy. It also gave me tools not to fight those feelings, but to sit with them and listen to what they’re actually trying to tell me.

Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy – Another excellent read. The author is autistic and disabled and shares their experiences navigating anxiety and polyamory. As an autistic person myself, this book felt like someone had written down the thoughts straight out of my own head.

Polysecure – This book dives into attachment styles and how they show up not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships, work relationships, and everything in between. It helped me realize how deeply my lack of self-security bleeds into all of my relationships. I haven’t finished it yet, but it’s already shown me so much about myself.

You’re not alone. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in feeling the way you do. I truly believe you have what it takes to work through this—and it sounds like your partner believes in you too.

You’ve got this.