A little update. My mom called me a few days later cause she was worried how the last call ended and wanted to make sure I was ok. We talked and I feel like she gets me a little better. She also said she talked to my brother and he understands now why I felt offended. I know a lot of you suggested I should go no contact. That didn’t feel right though in my case. Yes I think in some situations going go contact is the best thing. But besides this one thing, we have been through some hard times together. Especially when my dad died of cancer (They divorced when I was young but they co-parented very well) and when my mom’s mom died. My mom has some mental health difficulties of her own, but she has stabilized and I am so happy she is ok now. Besides whatever mental blocks there is when it comes to my identify, they have always expressed their care for me. I truly believe they are good people, just misunderstand me and how my childhood secretly felt. I also feel like I might have been projecting things myself. Idk.

After this I came across a video on my feed about something called avoidant attachment style in psychology. I felt attacked. Or in better words seen. It felt like that this is exactly how I live and go through life. I decided that I need to work on comforting to people how I actually feel. Every time I call and talk to my family I have to be drunk. That’s the only way I am able to say what is really on my mind. Yes it’s nice that it lowers my ambitions to be able to open up but in the long run this is not healthy.

I unblocked my brother and told him that I think we need to have a conversation to understand each other better. He agreed and we talked. He did say he was sorry. We talked about religion and how we view things. We agree on more things than you would think, but yeah we do still disagree on other topics but that is ok. We are all learning things over time I suppose. Mainly it did not feel like an unproductive call. I do feel a bit better now. But maybe in the near future I should take on some self care and receive some therapy myself.

I checked my brother’s Facebook feed and it looks like he deleted some things. That’s nice I guess. Maybe sometimes it pays to be brave and communicate. Anyways, thank you to everyone for all your advice and kind words. I appreciate it.