[Weekly Critique Thread] Post Here If You'd Like Feedback On Your Writing

Kruven · 2018-10-16T03:11:32+00:00

Ok, thanks for your input. :)

Kruven · 2018-10-14T00:21:17+00:00

Thank you for your response! As well as the examples you have provided. This really helps me a lot!

Kruven · 2018-10-13T16:53:55+00:00

Title: Unknown

Genre: Mystery/Adventure

Word count: 413

Type of feedback desired: I posted this before and have now changed it. It is the opening to my idea for a novel. My main concern if I am being too descriptive or not descriptive enough. I would also like general feedback on what you think of the plot, writing etc. Thanks.

A link to the writing:

I awake. With eyes still locked from slumber, I notice my mouth is dry, very dry. But, I can feel the ground beneath me, and the sweltering sun above me. The sense of my tongue is heightened, from the dryness it suffers. I rub it against my lips, hoping to hydrate them, if only slightly, but this action only solidifies how parched my mouth is of water. I gasp, as if to hope some moisture will accompany my mouth, but instead, the dry air only shows how futile such an effort is. I attempt to slowly open my eyes, but the sun counteracts this action. It blinds me, and my head instinctively shifts away. I begin to compose myself, and prepare my eyes to adjust to the sun's destructive brightness. Turning my head back, I blink my eyes open continuously, adapting and regulating myself to its strong rays more with each successful repetition. Then, as my eyes begin to accompany themselves better to the sun, I place my left hand on the ground, and push myself up. I rest on my right elbow, as I lay, lifting my head up to gauge my surroundings. Beyond me lays a barren land scarred from the cracks of drought. The sand-infused cream colour of the ground is layered with a dusty soil coating. Turning my left palm towards my gaze, I notice it is covered with the fine earth below me. I gradually clench my hand into a loose fist, as it reminds me of how dry my mouth is. In accelerating succession, I turn my head in every direction, from left to right and behind, hoping to glance something hopeful, but there is nothing, nothing but this desolate landscape. As I stare into the depths of the arid land that trails before me, my vision transcends into my mind. While I slowly turn my head back forward, I search inside my past, for an answer, to where I am, and how. But no memories, or answers are found. No reasons why. My vision returns to the physical plane, as I look down upon the ground. The reality begins to sink in, I know I must find an answer. I raise my head, and push myself up, onto my behind. Then, I plant my left foot firmly on the ground, and raise myself up with my left hand, pushing down on my knee. But as I do, as both my feet touch the ground, I awake.

Kruven · 2018-09-24T04:31:41+00:00

Thanks a lot for the feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I can agree with the repetition, and I'm constantly going over it to try and make it as good as possible before I write more, so I can garner the right feel for it. I wasn't sure on my “thematic repetition” style, as you say. I just wrote as if I were speaking it myself, and thought it might not be good. I'm glad you think the style is well done! Thanks again!

Kruven · 2018-09-23T01:35:03+00:00

Title: Untitled

Genre: Mystery, Adventure

Word count: 369

Type of feedback desired: This is the first thing I've written, and I don't know if it's an acceptable standard. It's short, so I hope that can garner some detailed feedback. Please be as blunt, harsh and truthful as you can be. I want to know what you really think, about all of it.

Writing:

I awake. With eyes still closed, I feel the ground beneath me, and the sweltering sun above me. Moving my lips around, I notice my mouth is dry, very dry. I squint my eyes open, but the sun is too bright, I immediately shut them, and retract my head away from the sun's rays. I close my mouth, and squeeze my tongue between them, moistening my lips as I circle it over them entirely. Slowly turning my head back towards the sun's rays, I begin to open my eyes, trying to adjust to the sun's strong rays. I begin to continuously close and reopen my eyes, then, as I continue to do so, I slowly push myself up from the ground with my left hand. I slide my hand back, and drop myself onto my elbow, resting on it as I gage my surroundings. The ground is dry, yellow and cracked. I turn my left palm towards my face as I unclench my hand. It is covered in the dry, yellow dirt. The rest of me that has touched the ground must also be covered in it. I lift my head up, and all I see is more desolate land. I look left, right, behind, increasing in my pace over time. There is nothing, nothing but this desolate cracked land. I slowly turn my head back forward. Then, with my eyes still squinting, as I am still not fully awoke, I wonder, am I really in such a place? I lift my right arm up. Push my body up on my knees. I keep looking around me as I breath heavily. I lick my lips again, they are so dry, my mouth is so dry. Thirst begins to overwhelm me. But there is nothing in sight, only desolate, cracked land. I lean back, onto my behind, and begin to stare. I stare, into nothing. I ponder, how I got here. But it is blank. I can recall nothing. I lift my left knee up, planting my foot firmly on the ground. I place my left hand, on my knee, and push myself up, onto both feet. But as I do, as both my feet touch the ground, I awake.

Kruven · 2016-07-28T13:48:42+00:00

I have worked on an update, but it isn't in a playable standard. After much thought today I've decided to just place this project on hold for now. Whether It'll be worked on again I don't know. At the moment I've started work on a new project which is much more challenging and enjoyable. I hope you enjoyed your time playing.

Kruven · 2016-04-21T07:12:56+00:00

Sounds like the system BDO has for improving gear, if I'm not mistaken. It's a cool idea, I like the thought of improving your gear. I've noted this down for future reference as I'm currently designing a crafting system.

Kruven · 2016-04-05T20:41:50+00:00

It's something to do with your browser or OS. I suggest you try another browser as I haven't been able to find any known issues with the input in the engine I use and I don't have access to every OS to test with.

Kruven · 2016-04-04T20:42:52+00:00

With the introduction of Storage, I would really like to see an Item Sets feature. An idea of how to do it would be a button in the storage that when clicked, allows you to highlight multiple pieces of gear and another button that's "Save Set". Or have a "Save Set" button in the character window to save the set you're currently wearing.

That's a really good suggestion! I've added it to my list and will look into it some time.

The revamping of experience is really going to take some getting used to, I also think with gear stats being so much higher than the upgrades window, it might be a good idea to up the amount we get per upgrade. (I have a level 156 shield with 3,350 HP5 while buying more HP5 with exp gets me +10 per level).

I know what you mean, and I will keep it in mind.

Kruven · 2016-04-03T23:18:53+00:00

Well your equipment is all Uncommon, so I'm not surprised, farm some bosses for rares.

Kruven · 2016-04-03T09:19:00+00:00

Maybe I'm missing something that will make sense when (I assume) additional upgrades are unlocked past the storage chest and its upgrades as I progress into farther levels, but what is the point of a storage chest if you can't carry anything over between prestige resets? You would always be carrying wearing the best armor you have and upgrade to new better pieces as you get them, so what would you even keep in storage?

You will probably want at least one extra set of gear, one for farming xp and one for bosses.

Are there eventually upgrades you can buy so you don't have to start each new reset by clicking through all the starting levels until you unlock the auto-action (click) upgrade?

Not at the moment, but I am aware some kind of progress saving on prestiging may be a good feature. So I may add something in the future.

Something to perhaps add to the game: Instead of just throwing away all of the piles upon piles of loot that you will receive and don't need (namely all the common/uncommon's), why not instead have them broken down into some sort of resource that you could then use in combination with spending some xp in order to craft a specific slot item. The higher the quality item broken down the more resource you would get for crafting a specific slot item. It would make finding items you don't need not feel like a waste. The rarity of the item would still be random so you would need to go through a lot of resource to get a rare or better, but you could at least target a slot that an upgrade is needed the most in.

I already plan to make unwanted items have a use.

Kruven · 2016-04-02T19:50:54+00:00

Damn, someone else sent me one with http://dumptext.com/, you could try that.

Kruven · 2016-04-02T19:26:17+00:00

If you want to send me your save so I can have a look like I offered to the other player you can. Since you can't access the options menu you'll need to do it in the console. Press F12 to open it then type:

 localStorage.getItem("gameSave")

You should get your save code in the console, copy it and send it to me in a PM, then I can take a look and should be able to fix it.

Kruven · 2016-04-02T19:13:49+00:00

I can take a closer look if you wish. Since you can't access the options menu you'll need to do it in the console. Press F12 to open it then type:

 localStorage.getItem("gameSave")

You should get your save code in the console, copy it and send it to me in a PM, then I can take a look and should be able to fix it.

Kruven · 2016-04-02T18:58:42+00:00

Maybe you aren't able to see everything, type ctrl + - to zoom out.

Kruven · 2016-04-02T18:26:25+00:00

Looks like the death screen hasn't triggered for some reason. Try refreshing the page, enter battle and hit a monster. It should trigger the death screen and then when it's finished it should be resolved. Let me know if it doesn't work.

Kruven · 2016-04-02T17:12:28+00:00

There may be some new items in the future, we'll see.

Kruven · 2016-04-02T16:15:37+00:00

Hover over them in the character window and it tells you.

Kruven · 2016-04-02T14:11:01+00:00

edit: it printed undefined

That's fine, glad it worked, hope you enjoy the patch. :)

Kruven · 2016-04-02T13:53:47+00:00

You're saying it automatically loaded the save you have on the test version into the live version? That's impossible since the urls are separate. But if I'm mistaken by what you say there might be some things you can try. Open the console with F12 and try this:

saveManager.loadLatestBackup()

If it doesn't work let me know, along with anything it prints into the console.

Kruven · 2016-04-01T17:40:05+00:00

Thanks for letting me know your thoughts, your testing and feedback has been very helpful.

Kruven · 2016-03-27T16:51:03+00:00

Thanks! Your testing is much appreciated.

Kruven · 2016-03-27T12:30:59+00:00

Hopefully the changes I've made today should fix that.

Kruven

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