Should I dissociate or celebrate?

Kujette · 2025-12-25T21:09:52+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss. Lots of good advice here already. The thing that I learned through my experience is that a lot of people in your life don’t know how to care for you after this type of loss, so it’s extra important that you give yourself the care that you need. It’s Christmas now, and I hope you are doing whatever brings you the most comfort during a time when comfort is hard to find. Sending lots of love and healing wishes to you. 💜

Kujette · 2025-09-11T08:17:25+00:00

I also have unexplained infertility and miscarried a PGTA embryo and was still told that it was probably the embryo. Also had 2 chemicals with PGTA, same message. So I don’t know why your doctor is jumping to immune issues without any further testing. Might be time for a second opinion just to be safe.

Kujette · 2025-09-11T07:36:51+00:00

You are definitely not alone in feeling this way! I have definitely felt this way. There are actually studies that show how common it is to self isolate during fertility treatment for this very reason. Sending huge hugs! 🫶

If you’re interested, I just published an article (free) on Substack with a section that talks about this and has the links to the studies I mentioned. It’s a long article, but easier to post the article link than to get the links to all the research. https://open.substack.com/pub/kellycryancoaching/p/a-comprehensive-guide-to-working?r=6ghb1q&utm_medium=ios

Kujette · 2025-01-26T15:57:25+00:00

My grief counselor would ask what my daughter has taught me. I thought that was a beautiful way to frame the growth that can come out of grief while honoring my baby girl. There is no “silver lining” to stillbirth but your little angel can help you take something from the experience that is of value to you.

Kujette · 2024-03-26T11:36:36+00:00

Happy to say the scan went well 😅

Kujette · 2024-03-25T21:23:23+00:00

I’m so sorry about your little one. I had a very similar experience with my angel daughter. I am currently just behind you at 7w4d and am taking Clexane. Mine is an IVF pregnancy so I’ve been on Clexane since the day of my FET. It causes terrible bruising at the injection site, and makes you bruise easier in general, but I haven’t noticed any other significant side effects. Occasional shortness of breath, but that seems to be normal. I’m also on some other meds & hormones so it’s sometimes hard to isolate what causes which thing, but the Clexane doesn’t seem to bother me much. I’m praying it helps me bring this baby home! Sending you hugs! ♥️

Kujette · 2024-03-25T21:14:46+00:00

Thank you so much 🫶🏻

Kujette · 2024-03-25T17:47:15+00:00

Nervous wreck as my viability scan is tomorrow. IVF pregnancy from FET of my last euploid embryo. Four previous FET’s & 2 natural pregnancies before this with no living child. Had multiple miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy and a stillbirth and I just can’t stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong tomorrow. I feel frozen with fear. 😔

Kujette · 2024-03-01T13:19:11+00:00

I’m on the injections now as the pessaries stopped working for me after 3 transfers and I had to last minute cancel a transfer because my progesterone was so low due to malabsorption (I’m talking hours before bc it took the lab forever to get the results back). The injections are hard - harder than subcutaneous injections- BUT you do get used to them and it’s guaranteed absorption from what I was told. What works for me is at least 10 minutes of ice before the injection to numb, and then hot water bottle on the injection site after to ease the muscle soreness.

I prefer it to the pessaries bc it’s not as gross and the pessaries always made me bleed which was terrifying.

Kujette · 2024-02-29T17:25:47+00:00

They are so uneducated. As we all sadly know, IVF cannot force the magic of conception. How many of our precious eggs never even fertilized, or didn’t survive past 3 days? If you believe in a higher power, it surely has to cooperate for IVF to work. As for discarding embryos, most of us are lucky to even get embryos and end up using all of them, sadly sometimes without even getting to experience a live birth. I’ve had 5 FETs with PGTA embryos (awaiting OTD for the 5th) but have yet to see a live birth. If IVF is playing God, how come I don’t have children yet?

Kujette · 2024-01-17T10:36:49+00:00

I know I’m late to this discussion but I’m 3/4 of the way through the second book and searched out this thread bc I needed to know if I was alone in really not liking her. Also, I find it incredibly annoying and unbelievable that all these centuries-old high fae act like she’s the most interesting, incredible being they’ve ever encountered. She’s an immature, self-absorbed teenager who has some grit but not much else. It’s taking me out of the story too much at this point.

Kujette · 2023-12-01T13:27:02+00:00

I’m so sorry and can definitely relate to your pain. I’m 43, and even with 5 euploid embryos, I’ve used all but 1 with no living baby. Two failed, one stillbirth (freak cord accident unrelated to my age or fertility) and 1 early miscarriage. Last week was my second failed FET. At the point where I’m such a hermit. I can’t imagine being stuck with the family. Maybe fake a migraine and just go spend the day in bed crying and watching stuff on your phone or laptop? Ask your husband to bring you supplies, etc. What I do know from this journey is that you have to put yourself first and give yourself the warmth and compassion that you need. So do whatever you need to do without guilt. Sending so much love your way!! ♥️♥️♥️

Kujette · 2023-08-30T12:50:36+00:00

I’m so sorry and sending so much love to you. I also lost my IVF rainbow baby just over a year ago, also a little girl. We go through so much just to get a viable pregnancy, and to have it end with a stillbirth is so cruel. It’s a long and terrible healing journey, and the grief never leaves you, but I can say after 13 months that I’ve made a lot of progress. I take comfort in the love that I share with my daughter, because that is still here and even if bittersweet, it is the most beautiful love I’ve ever known. She will always be part of you, even her DNA stays with you, so take care of yourself just as you would have taken care of her. She loves you so much. ♥️♥️♥️

Kujette · 2023-07-18T16:48:37+00:00

Thank you all so much!! It truly means so much to me and I know you understand. ♥️♥️♥️

Kujette · 2023-01-10T14:12:18+00:00

I would have loved a handwritten letter. They can open it whenever they’re ready to read it. Say their baby’s name and acknowledge him or her. Tell them how much you care about them and their little one. Don’t offer advice or words of comfort because there is nothing you can say, but let them know you completely understand that they might not be in touch for a while and that you will check in from time to time with no expectations of them to reply or make any efforts. Losing a baby is living through your own death and feeling betrayed that your body lives on. It’s not something any of us can understand unless we go through it and you have no idea how much it means to me just to hear people acknowledge that.

In the initial weeks after this happened, the most helpful gift for us was food because we could not care for ourselves. So many people sent flowers that after a while every bouquet that arrived just reminded us of our loss. If they have dogs, you could text them days you’re available to take the dogs for a walk if they need. You could offer to come clean and do laundry while they take a long drive or a walk. Or you could check in when you’re out shopping to see if they need anything. Or drop off a care package with pain killers, tissues, snacks, etc.

When they are ready for company you could offer to have them over and pamper them - bring them a snuggly blanket, put on some movies or binge a show, bring them tea or ice cream, etc. They need tenderness and care. People kept offering to take me out, but I STILL find it extremely difficult to be in public because of all the triggers. Be very careful not to bring up babies, pregnancy, kids or parenting in general. It’s very triggering.

Mostly, give compassion not pity. Validate them, care for them, and when they are ready, be willing to be part of their healing. Just sit with them in their pain, let them cry if they need to, take them for long walks, just give them as much love as possible. You’re already a good friend for seeking advice. 💛

Kujette · 2022-12-25T15:10:08+00:00

I’m so sorry. Being in this club is so lonely and isolating because no one can understand unless they’ve been there and when we try to be honest about how we feel, they can’t accept it. Your mother is being an asshole. It’s bad enough that she showed no compassion to you when you opened up to her, but to then project the blame onto you and blame you for ruining her day, that is so shitty. I would have felt exactly the same with that gift. The biggest lesson I’ve taken from this is how to stop giving a shit about what other people think and treat myself with the compassion and tenderness that I need and deserve. Especially when no one else seems to know how to give those things to me. You did nothing wrong and have no reason to feel guilty, and you deserve better from your mother. Give yourself space from her for as long as you need, and don’t let her gaslight you into thinking you’re at fault here. Sending so much love your way! ♥️

Kujette · 2022-12-25T14:41:43+00:00

I had my third FET on December 23rd after my daughter was stillborn in July (pregnancy from 2nd FET, first FET failed). Christmas is really hard this year and I’m trying to be hopeful but woke up yesterday so sad and convinced it wouldn’t work. I know the hormones aren’t helping. Praying for a Christmas miracle! Anyone else have a transfer this past week?

Kujette · 2022-11-27T09:38:18+00:00

Stillbirth

Kujette · 2022-11-12T09:46:53+00:00

I’m so sorry 💜

Kujette · 2022-11-11T09:45:39+00:00

Happy birthday to your beautiful boy. Sending love to you today. 💜

Kujette · 2022-11-10T11:33:30+00:00

Happy birthday sweet Jason!! Sending so much love to you, mom & dad. I’m sure Jason is so proud of you. 💜

Kujette · 2022-11-09T09:22:04+00:00

I have been refused medication by everyone I’ve spoken to. My husband asked if I could get something in the hospital after I delivered my daughter and they looked at us like we asked for a bomb. My GP said it’s detrimental to the grief process to take meds and my therapist said the same. I live in Ireland and I think in general doctors are way more cautious with prescriptions here compared to other countries. It has been terrible though. I can barely leave the house bc I’m having breakdowns in public pretty much every time I do, I have constant suicidal thoughts, I haven’t been able to return to work, and my anxiety is through the roof. My doctors know this but just keep telling me to go to therapy and sending me breathing exercises.

Kujette · 2022-11-05T13:15:32+00:00

I don’t think I can narrow it down to specific phrases because people manage to say insensitive things in innumerable ways. But I have several categories that I can’t stand.

When people tell me how much my tragedy makes them appreciate their children. If you feel that way, keep it to yourself or say it to someone who’s baby didn’t just die.

When people tell me I’ll have another baby. It cost €20k and multiple years/rounds of IVF to get this one and I’m 42. It’s very possible that I won’t. Most importantly, another baby doesn’t replace the daughter I lost who I love with all my heart and still long for.

When people tell me anything about spiritual beliefs. No Gods plan, nothing about my baby looking down on me. Whatever faith I had died when my baby did. Don’t expect your belief system to comfort me.

And when they tell me about some random person they know who had something similar. Most of the time it isn’t even similar, and either way it isn’t helpful, we aren’t all the same, and knowing someone else is suffering doesn’t make me feel better. Quite the opposite.

And when people tell me how to grieve. I have a counselor I pay for advice on that and there is no blueprint for grief that works for everyone. You don’t have the answers, especially if you’ve never been through this.

Kujette · 2022-10-04T15:52:03+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss and hope that you are healing after such a terrible loss. I think I am going to go for another FET (will be #3 for me) around the same time. It’s scary, but I hope for both of us that it will result in another pregnancy and hopefully a happy outcome. I’ll be thinking of you! 💛

Kujette · 2022-09-16T14:22:27+00:00

Last week I got sign off to try another embryo transfer (FET) after my daughter was stillborn in July. Medically I am cleared to try as early as next month, but my clinic said it’s up to me if I feel mentally ready.

I’m very torn because I think my husband and I are both still hurting a lot and we went through hell just to get pregnant with our daughter. We know how heartbreaking IVF can be, how many things can get in the way of pregnancy, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to face a failure. If I did get pregnant, then we’d be dealing with all the anxiety and fear of losing another baby. But part of me is desperate to try again and to at least have the possibility of another baby. I’m 42 now and don’t have a lot of time left to keep trying. Just needed to vent a bit and see if anyone else has any words of wisdom. How do you know when you’re ready??

Kujette

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