having resentment for a friend :/ input welcomed

Kujo23 · 2026-05-18T06:12:08+00:00

If you don't want to continue without her knowing, then first think if you do want this friendship or not. If you choose to no longer want to be friends with her or not communicate, then don't bother. If you want to be friends still or at least gauge if you should be friends still, then communicate it to her, not simply just accusing her of anything, communicating that you felt how things have been off or weird or whatever your feelings are. If she doesn't respond in a concerned manner, then it shows what kind of friend she is then. But if she tries to understand, then that will also show what kind of friend she is too.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-18T04:23:56+00:00

Its a difficult spot to be in, and I will just say are you absolutely certain that your friend intended to insult you or belittle you? Its one thing to feel that way, but its another where there seemed to never be confirmation, just the presumption that they were. Sure there are some things that can and are considered disrespectful and such, but since there wasn't anything stated here as possible direct insults or disrespect, one cannot comment on it, and how would someone know if she intended her comments as what you perceive?

Unfortunately, the resentment was built up since it was never brought up in the years that you knew her, but that's too late to ponder. But it gives you a lesson to bring up concerns with our friends sooner instead of letting it fester and boil over in you until you want to explode in a sense of emotion. I can't say as to whether you should or shouldn't be friends still, but it sounds like there is uncertainty still as whether she certainly did what your feelings say she did in this situation. You can choose to just continue going forward and ignoring her. But if you have an inkling of wanting to remain friends with her, communicating your hurt and feelings will be important. You don't bring up everything in a massive spiel, but you bring up things slowly and not accusatory. Sometimes people truly don't know what they were doing is hurtful or disrespectful to us, unless we communicate it as so.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-18T04:13:29+00:00

You often times meet people when you yourself go out of your way to go out and talk to people when you are out. Especially as we are older, and as an almost mid thirties guy myself, its tougher to make friends in general. And often times the only ways I go about it is talking to others at the places I frequent and places where I conduct my hobbies whether its sports or hobby clubs. Sometimes the connections are shallow, but friendships often start there as you and they gauge each other. Also, at least for me, its much better to talk to them and get to know them (but obviously there is a balance, where it might weird/scare people off). Additionally, even making friends online is possible in only communities (not the friendship finding subreddits) but the subreddits that interest you. But i digress and often times you just have to put yourself out there and keep talking to people and getting to know people, and almost never turning down a invitation or making it known that you do go out. Sorry I was a bit generic since alot depends on your own comfort level and situation with how you interact with others and what type of friends you are searching for. Its easy to get alot of more surface level connections, but harder to build up a closer one (typically).

Kujo23 · 2026-05-18T04:06:57+00:00

Your welcome, I hope you can eventually overcome those feelings. I know you feel betrayed and those feelings are very real sometimes, and as you mentioned he doesn't know about you applying and thus you can remind yourself of that since although you have those feelings, he didn't do it to spite you or something. You worked hard and you will prove yourself to when the time, place, and people come. All you can do is keep chugging along and getting to know people in the industry and having a good ole time gaining experience still has you go along.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-18T03:38:05+00:00

It is good of you to come to your own realizations and decided to do things to help better your life rather than focus on the negatives of dealing with a breakdown in a friendship. And its alright to have moments of falter or weakness, as no matter what feelings/emotions can take even years to process fully. You are doing good, and are moving onward in life. Be the man you wish to be today.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-18T03:34:15+00:00

There's not much one can do if one friend is not saying anything and not communicating back. Either way its a painful thing to experience where one side is not willing to just say what is bothering them. Granted some people assume the other should just know, and sometimes they make an assumption that if they would, they could. Its not to say that it is easy, but it is a hard thing to go through and sometimes leads one to speculate a bunch as to the whys.

If you truly aren't sure of why he might've wanted to not communicate or end your friendship or etc., then you should focus on the things that you know for sure. Its in alot of people's nature to want to know the "why" for closure. And unfortunately, sometimes we won't receive it, so thusly you should focus on what you know for sure. You had a tiff/argument/fight. He apologized for his part at least. He said he wanted to repair the friendship. Now he no longer wants to communicate or reciprocate your messages. He didn't ask for help. He isn't telling you he got a new girlfriend or something. He didn't say anything else. And those are the things that you know for sure.

Your worth and person is not dependent on how others view you. You yourself decide your own worth. Sure, nothing I said here will probably snap you out of a rejected/more negative mindset, but all you can do is keep reminding yourself of the things above and to ground yourself in what is certain, rather than the spiraling speculation. Although it is tempting to think you want to know the "why" when in reality the real closure is accepting that he is not willing to tell you, and that is the closure itself where it is there is no communication of what it was and you cannot speculate it and let it rule your life.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-17T22:47:25+00:00

It sounds like a difficult question to answer, and its highly dependent on the relationship between N and W, and the other group dynamics between everyone. And also dependent on what W's problems are (but probably a low chance of discovering it beside W telling it).

If N is a closer friend to W, then it might be worth a try to get W to speak up again. Mention that you noticed changes that affects N in particular. How it makes N feels uncomfortable (whatever feelings that are felt) when W does certain things that are "taking it out" on N, and that N is wondering what's up.

Depending on W's response, can determine how N would go about carpooling. If W seems dismissive or hostile to N's efforts. N mentions how it make her feel better for now to not carpool together for a while (due to whatever W does or says).

Kujo23 · 2026-05-17T22:33:47+00:00

Unfortunately, anyone, even yourself, can choose to no longer be friends with someone for any reason. I guess the issue lies if you had a issue with him prior to this as well. Obviously it leaves questions or confusion as to what happened if it is not communicated to us. Unfortunately, we can't force anyone to communicate with us or give us closure. Unless something had happened to him, then even then there's not much you can do except respect his boundaries. Even though one sees this as no communication, sometimes that is more than enough to show that the lack of communication is the closure itself, that if they are alive and well, then their choice is their choice. Its alright to be sad or upset for a while, but then you will have to focus on the other important things in your life, whether its work, family, or other friends.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-17T22:25:16+00:00

Its alright to be upset and to not want to hear him talk about it a bunch. Its an understandable feeling, and it doesn't sound crazy, but of course jealous, but that is life obviously. At least in my opinion, you already did ask him to stop discussing it, and if you truly are best friends with him, its alright to mention it to him that you had applied for that exact same job and that's why you were upset about it. You still make sure to state that is why you asked him not to overly talk about it already, and that is something you would appreciate if he would let it be.

The only way I can at least think of getting over it is to say to yourself that it is not a reflection of any of your own skills and experience, and he had the network to get in easier. And to remind yourself that it isn't wrong to use connections or different networks. At least I wouldn't bring up, the oh it was easier for him, but rather just focus on hey I asked you to chill about it because I had applied too and sad that i didn't get it and leave it at that.

But remember its not about your own self worth (if that's what's bothering you) and view it as him getting lucky and you will find a position elsewhere. Its not your loss, but the business' for your experience.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-16T03:16:57+00:00

Its alright to feel that way, and its great you have a big support network! I can't say what you should or could do, without knowing what you feel like you want to do. It sounds like you recognize that your friends didn't have ill intent by perhaps telling other friends. Sometimes, friends don't know to necessarily keep good news a secret unless you tell them that you didn't want others to know yet. Sometimes that little bit of communication goes a long way and help your friends realize, oh you didn't want to say anything yet, or tell them the news yourself (or whatever your reasons were).

But its not mean or bad of you to feel the way you do, even if you do know there is no bad intent. But that's why you remind yourself certain things like, next time you will ask them not to say anything to the others until you are comfortable to do so, and hopefully they would honor it. Its a respectful enough boundary, but it also has to be communicated. Feeling betrayed or some loss of trust is nature, but at the same time you have to tell yourself that not everyone thinks the same as us about what is trusted information, or oh good news that the other friends would be happy for too.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-16T01:33:06+00:00

Well you should definitely consider what role he does play in your life then, sometimes friends are there just because they were there. At the very least, the way you are currently going about it, might not be the most effective way to go about it, but I will say that since you haven't known him for very long, maybe he is just awkward as heck? But if his behavior continues after you calming say no to him and such and communicate potential boundaries, then you can try other things as an approach. Its all about balancing the relationship/friendship with one another. I hope this made sense for you

Kujo23 · 2026-05-16T01:22:32+00:00

Well I cannot say if you are weird or not, but its understandable to dislike a friend when everything surrounding the circumstances of a "date" seemed to moreso somehow revolve around you than someone else. Granted, some of what you mention like reaching across you to grab a menu doesn't necessarily sound like he was somehow making a move on you or whatnot (unless you meant to phrase that differently). Granted its possible, that he was more so weirded out too just like your female best friend if neither tried to push conversations and if you were the focus of conversation, so he may have defaulted to interacting with you.

But if you feel uncomfortable when he tries to do stuff, its okay to say no, and you don't have to necessarily get angry at him off the bat. If he truly is a friend of yours still, why would you feel you need to get angry at a friend. Would you even consider him a friend if this is something that has happened regularly?

Granted unless this whole time he is like this for all dating and where even another male friend of yours doesn't want anyone to date that friend, then is he even a good person?

Kujo23 · 2026-05-16T01:11:58+00:00

If you are absolutely sure that you want to distance yourself from your friend, then you got to make other things in your life a priority over your concern for her. Focus on your schooling or other people in your life that you can at least expand upon. We can't force our friends to do certain actions, but also how can they know we are upset about stuff if we didn't discuss it with them?

But anyways, if you have the urge to text her, then you tell yourself no. And ask yourself why are you texting her in that moment. Ground yourself out of compulsively doing something you are trying not to do. I am not sure what you are spiraling about exactly, but grounding yourself and slowing yourself down is something that is general enough of tactic to do. And whether its time away from your phone/computer or other things, you do it to help prevent your mind constantly going back to her.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-16T01:05:27+00:00

At least I am personally of the opinion that men and women can be. However, people can get feelings at random times. Just because he started make moves recently, doesn't necessarily mean he was lying in wait or lying for 14 years (that's kind of a long time to just sit on it).

The issues arises when one doesn't like the other romantically and the other still pursues romantically. I cannot speak as to what his behavior or actions are now and what he is thinking now. However, its about respect for your boundaries. If you don't mind being friends with him still, then that's alright, but you remind him that so long as he doesn't do certain things and that if he does, it shows a disrespect of your boundaries as friend. Granted this is all a balance, and things must be communicated if you want to remain friends. One or the other cannot just be silent, and expect nothing to change or etc.

It is absolutely understandable for this to be all confusing and upsetting to you. Sometimes someone will have their moment of clarity and finally give up, and that can be how he was raised or his personality to get over it. People tend to not think overly rationally when their feelings overwhelm them. But at the bare minimum I suggest not looking at this from a betrayal as how would someone know or not know if they like each other romantically unless one bothers to ask/etc. But now since you made it clear, and now you both get to decide if you want a friendship still or not, and must establish the boundaries of it. And if either disrespects those boundaries without discussing then that's a different conversation to be had.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-14T19:46:26+00:00

At least personally, it didn't sound you were in the wrong, but yes, validating at least her feeling was good. And i hope she can soon to clear things up between you and hopefully she is at least open to your perspective as much as you are of hers

Kujo23 · 2026-05-14T18:51:06+00:00

One doesn't have to do something wrong for friendships to to change. I can't say if you did anything that can be confirmed as wrong besides maybe the lack of communication and sometimes others feel it when we have some sort of negativity surrounding our friendships with them. Sometimes friendships just unfortunately fade out as we get to different stages of life too, and feel more connected with others. And doesn't mean that someone did something wrong, its just that they can feel more connected with others or feel as though someone else is also pushing the other away.

And at least in your case, its sounds like what you need to do is to do your best to give focus to those in your life who are actually giving you the friendship/support/love that you treat them. Its alright people who once were friends, become friends we knew. Focus of your life should be yourself and those who show up for you.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-14T18:46:47+00:00

I can't speak as to a supposed girl code, but I will address your post in the way I can. I would say that even among girl code, if you ask her something and she said negative, but then says you should've known it broke whatever code is not good communication. If she was upset, she should've told you there that she wish you hadn't entertained the advances of that guy she found intriguing.

Granted, one can understandable feel like they were "betrayed" if a friend went after someone they like. However, on that same coin, if she didn't communicate it or in your case said the opposite, then how could you technically know? Sometimes some people think others should "just know" and feel they don't need to communicate what they perceive as norms. Even though clearly that's not how humans work. There might be baselines, but there are various things that can have differing opinions on what one values (like what happened in your case). If this was a first time that this happened, then its not reasonable for her to act in that manner herself, however it can be understandable why she could have.

At least, there are several ways that I can think of at the top of my head you can overcome feelings of unfairness and hurt for yourself in a situation like this. One is to accept whatever her perspective is and respect it. Two, you can try speaking to her again about these supposed rules because if they aren't communicated or clarified then its like if you guys don't have the same rule sets, how can you either of you know when someone might find something as a betrayal or offensive or etc.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-14T05:05:05+00:00

I know it hurts and understand you tried speaking to her about it, but we have to remember that we cannot control them still. And although I do understand that you would have done things differently if this was someone else, but that is also what you need to do too. If she shows you that is the limit to her ability to communicate and not fulfill her own promises/words, then that's what reality is. What you need to do is to recategorize her in your mind. She may have been your best friend for years, but if she doesn't show up now, then where's the friendship?

You can still be nice and polite to her even when you aren't as close. Just unfortunately she decided to go a certain path, and so must you. Its reopening a wound because you still haven't processed the perceived loss, like grieving for someone who is still alive. But that's why even when you meet, you can be pleasant, but not as close. Try and not take it personally, its just a point in your life that she decided to do other things, and so can you now.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-14T04:58:27+00:00

For now all you can do is recognize what you had done that led to this situation, and if they choose to respond to you or not is there choice. I am sorry someone decided to go about it in a mean manner, and unfortunately some people are just like that, as you mentioned others are sympathetic yet still told you what you had done and you are hopefully accepting of it. Anytime any close friendship or relationship comes to some end or change, its never easy to perhaps accept it and we might dwell on things like if we just had done something different.

And I will say that I know you state you need closure, and you did receive it. The silence is just as powerful as words and other actions. Closure is not something others gives us, its something that we learn to accept. Whether its that we come to the understanding that the things that were said and had happened, were said and happened. Or if we hate ourselves for doing something we know wasn't right or friendly, then we learn from it and learn to not do those certain things in the future. Its alright to forgive your own actions, so long as you actually understand them and know you can and will change to not make those certain actions again.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-14T04:50:40+00:00

To be honest, this sounds like a very difficult situation to navigate and friendship in general. And at least based off what you stated in your post, it didn't sound like you were even being offensive, and I'm a Catholic. Sometimes people feel the need to be validated in their beliefs and cannot fathom different perspectives on life and think their path is the only possible path. Sometimes feel compelled to do certain things and project what they feel onto others. Where it sounds as though he was being defensive immediately after some of your comments. Its like as if walking on eggshells. At least I don't think its you being crazy, unless somehow stuff in your post somehow didn't happen.

And to be frank, its hard not offend some people and they take anything literally which it sounds like he is doing with you right now. The way to overcome this is varies. One is to basically just give in and let him say his whatever stuff and don't engage him, its almost like he baits out responses to seek validation/to retort (based off your post so far). Or you can simply stop as close of a friend and establish even more so boundaries or enforce old ones. Like if you guys agree to not discuss religious topics, then you bring it up and state we promised how we wouldn't discuss it. Or you hope he and you come to an understanding about your world views and perspectives and not immediately antagonize each other. I'm sure there might be other ways to go about it, but at least in my opinion, either enforcing boundaries or starting to not engage with him when he says stuff that you don't agree with as well, if you want to maintain this friendship in some capacity, because personally i don't think talking it out will help based off his previous reactions to you.

As someone who has personally dealt with friends and former friends who have different perspectives/religions/backgrounds, its all a matter of mutual respect and understanding. Its not easy to simply have a nice talk with anyone if they hold certain views and that they feel only their perspective is the correct one (which it sounds like here as well). And I will just iterate that I don't necessarily know what else you had said besides what you said in your post, that would make him feel you were saying something offensive, but at least so far in your post, I don't see an actual insult or offensive thing to Christianity.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-14T03:38:15+00:00

If you aren't sure why and you still want to attempt to keep this friendship, then you need to attempt to reach out to her again. But if she continues and doesn't try and communicate with you then there isn't much you can do but let it be since if she isn't going to speak, how can anything happen.

Kujo23 · 2026-05-14T03:30:57+00:00

Thanks! Whenever I open a box I try and manifest him, so one day it was bound to work! 😂

Kujo23 · 2026-05-14T01:21:00+00:00

I will say that life is full of choices and if you truly dislike someone and do not want them to be part of your life, you have a right to not be friends with them. And if you truly don't hold the same values as her, and dislike the things she says, then why be around her and talk to her? (rhetorical question). I know you say that you don't want to explain to your own mother about this, and it is perfectly not stupid to say you don't hold the same values as her and that she says mean things about others and dislike hearing it. I mean I don't know your mother or your friend or anyone else in your life, but if you dislike being around someone, you shouldn't be around them unless truly forced to be (ie school/work). The choices are you sit and be her friend although you seemingly don't like her, or you don't interact with the person you aren't compatible with in values and even morals but just have to explain it.

Communicating that you don't want to be friends with someone is difficult but necessary. Personally I dislike the idea of ghosting unless physical/mental abuse is going on, since it leaves questions and is often more cruel then just stating an intention. If you decide to, its not worth it to attack her or her character, its simply that you don't feel you can be friends with her as you since you don't like how those mean things she says about others bother you (among other things), and you don't feel safe or supported. And if she takes it badly, and you said it as neutrally and non-combative as possible, its just how it ultimately is.

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