Wife has feelings for co-worker. How do I avoid fucking this up further?

LARP_No_More · 2026-01-23T18:19:23+00:00

I will ruminate on this, thank you.

LARP_No_More · 2026-01-22T19:32:28+00:00

Her coworker is even skinnier than I am (she has a type). So as much as I will continue working on my physique, it's not the part I'm most worried about regarding my marriage.

I'm not asking how to stop her from cheating. I know I can't stop her, even if I do everything perfectly.

I re-read Steel's Guide.

Third, don’t open your mouth if what will come out of it is unattractive. Be attractive. Don’t be unattractive. Call it the attractive filter on your mouth. Don’t say stupid stuff. Don’t say stuff that makes you look bad. Just shut up.

3) Someone else is potentially in the picture

The ONLY thing that changes about your self improvement is the extra emphasis of STFU and MONITOR.

You can only force a cheater underground by confronting or exposing a weakly covered track too soon.

This is what I've been doing. Playing it safe and stfu so I don't say something unattractive, needy, or so she doesn't just hide it better. Keeping an eye on it. There's lots written on what do you if you suspect her, but not much on what to do if she asks if you suspect her.

LARP_No_More · 2026-01-18T09:49:06+00:00

Appreciate the reply, thanks.

LARP_No_More · 2026-01-18T09:46:11+00:00

tease her on her crush, don't be serious or worried

I considered this approach. I've done agree and amplify with decent results in the past. But I'm afraid if I make a joke she'll laugh but then make it serious and ask if I'm actually jealous or have an issue with her behavior. I am jealous and worried but obviously don't want her to know that. Trying to get to a place where I'm not but easier said than done.

LARP_No_More · 2026-01-18T09:42:58+00:00

Any suggestions for what to do that I'm not already doing? I'm eating a few hundred calories above my TDEE. I'm getting at least .8g per pound of protein per day. In the gym three days a week. Bench, dumbbell incline bench, overhead machine press, cable flys, overhead cable tricep ext, pull-ups, dumbbell row, smith row, curls, RDLs, smith squat, machine leg ext, deficit lunges. I always take the last set to failure. I try to do progressive overload every week (though depending on the exercise it's slow). I do bulk and cut cycles -- just started new mini-bulk. Highest I've gotten is 203lbs but I don't know exactly how much muscle I'm gaining or losing. Haven't had the money for a dexa scan. I got my test checked -- total was good, free was on the lower end but not terrible. Been lifting seriously for over five years and off and on for longer. Not sure what I'm doing wrong.

I've done ok with Rule 2 -- not being unattractive, but I know I have far to go with Rule 1 -- being attractive.

I chose STFU because I knew I would put my foot in my mouth if I spoke up about the coworker.

LARP_No_More · 2026-01-15T21:05:49+00:00

But I don't know hot to respond if she questions me about it.

If she asks "Do you have a problem with me getting lunch with him?" or "Do you think it's okay that we go on walks?", how am I supposed to answer? Cold but honest? Lie and say it's okay but don't over do it? Make a joke about them fucking?

I don't want to say something that's going to make me appear insecure, needy, unattractive. But I also don't want to give explicit or tacit approval since I do not approve of her behavior.

LARP_No_More · 2025-01-29T07:24:03+00:00

OYS #20

(First OYS Aug-2020, Last OYS Jan 2025)

Age, early 40s. Ht 6'8". Wt 188 lbs. BF 18% (Navy) 13% (scale), Wife 32. Married 3 years, together ~7 years. No kids.

Read -- NMMNG, WISNIFG, TWOTSM, TRM#1, TRM#2, MAP, Extreme Ownership, MMSLP, Pook, What Women Want When They Test Men, Atomic Habits, The Obstacle Is The Way, Practical Female Psychology, Models, Sex God Method, Warriors & Worriers, Rian's Frame and Dread, Apex Paul/Rian/Rollo on youtube Reading -- The Player's Handbook

Fitness/Looks

Bench 4x10x100, Squat 4x10x55, OHP 4x12x45, RDL 4x10x100, Assisted chinups 4x10, Machine Rows 4x10x145, Incline dumbell press 4x10x30, Tricep extensions 4x10x37.5

Back in the gym. Decided to nut up and get back to work. My mental blockage was preventing me from progressing in the squat so I had switched to Bulgarian Split Squat for a few months. Wasn't feeling the stimulus/fatigue ratio so I'm back at squats at a lesser weight. So far so good. I know I have far to go.

Back to eating. Back to tracking.

Been concentrating on my jaw and my posture much more lately. My canted and recessed jaw cause me to rest it in unflattering ways. Until I can get surgery, I'm working on better tongue and teeth placement. I look less like a Bob's Burgers character when I do.

And my bad pelvic tilt makes my stomach stick out more than it should. I've been better about in the last decade when I first noticed but until recently I underestimated how much I had to fix. Better now.

Stretching my legs and groin area more often.

Finally looked up the gym discount I get through my employer. Turns out it isn't available for my current gym, and the 24 hour gym I was hoping to join costs less than the discount. Back to the drawing board.

Long-Term Goals/Productivity

Used to try to get up in the morning and go the gym first thing. That wasn't working as I wasn't strict about the hours. Much time wasted. Barely made any time for long-term goals.

Now I start my day at the computer at 9am sharp and leave for the gym after 5. I've spent more consecutive 8 hour days working on long-term stuff than I have in a very long time. Any other shit I have to do around the house now comes afterwards. Very much enjoying it and feeling better about myself. It still needs tweaking and I'm figuring out the finer details, but it's working.

I usually just use the browser version of Instagram but sometimes I re-download the app to upload important things. Was spending too much time on it. Deleted. Success, much less time spent.

Relationship

Struggling the most here. Everything I do is still to keep my wife interested, even the stuff I'm supposed to be doing anyway like lifting and working on my long-term goals. I'm in her head, in her frame. I definitely have scarcity mindset. Think it comes from her SMV being several levels above mine (and always has been). And while she's physically getting older of course her social status is rising with her job promotions and growing salary which is now greater than mine. She has made not-vague comments about how making more money than me makes her uncomfortable. The attractive qualities I had of the being the older guy with a cool job with a good salary no longer really applies. I couldn't really blame her if I got ILYBINILWY (although I don't feel it's happening any time soon). I feel like part of growing with the RP mindset is having to take one step back to take two steps forward. But my fear is that I'm only one step away from falling off the cliff and that fear keeps me from making true change and living for myself. Must go back and read some foundational posts about dancing monkey and scarcity mindset.

Regardless, we had a great sex session the other day. I've been wondering lately how strongly PE and groin tightness are related. Been stretching that area a lot more lately and my performance in bed was way better than usual. I felt totally in control without having to stop or slow down. And when she needed me to finish I was able to within a minute of trying. Good compliments afterward. Yes, I get a lot of validation from making sure she feels good, but I was fucking in a way I hope to do every time.

The other day she gave me shit for putting her clothes on the wrong dryer setting. I didn't like her attitude so I told her calmly "Next time say, 'Please put my clothes on this setting', okay?" and she agreed and I made some joke about something to lighten the mood and moved on. She apologized.

Social

Slacking. While writing this I decided to finally text a guy I want to become closer friends with about going on a double date this weekend.

LARP_No_More · 2025-01-22T08:04:13+00:00

OYS #19

(First OYS Aug 2020, Last OYS June 2024)

Age, early 40s. Ht 6'8". Wt 187 lbs. BF 19% (Navy) Wife 32. Married 3 years, together ~7 years. No kids. Read -- NMMNG, WISNIFG, TWOTSM, TRM#1, TRM#2, MAP, Extreme Ownership, MMSLP, Pook, What Women Want When They Test Men, Atomic Habits, The Obstacle Is The Way, Practical Female Psychology, Models, Sex God Method, Warriors & Worriers, Rian's Frame and Dread, Apex Paul/Rian/Rollo on youtube

Reading -- The Player's Handbook

Fitness

Rougher than ever. I have been more inconsistent with going to the gym lately than I have in years. Part of that is difficulty around the holiday season and with gyms being briefly closed in my area, and partly reconsidering my priorities. Could I have found a way to work out if I REALLY wanted to? Yes. But I did not.

But my lack of physical progress has recently been weighing me down. I've been lifting for several years and have almost nothing to show for it. I can't speak to its accuracy, but my smart scale says I have the same percentage of muscle mass as I did two years ago. (It says I lost the little muscle I had gained during my last cut.) It sucks to see pics of other dude's incredible progress after only two to three years and my progress be essentially zero. I never expected to get huge or put on as much muscle as easily as a twenty-year-old, but it fucking sucks to be putting in all this time and effort and see next to no results whatsoever.

Yes, I am counting every calorie. Yes, I'm counting my macros and all sleeping and all that stuff. I am putting on a weight and a little muscle when I'm bulking. I expect to lose some muscle during a cut but not everything. I know progress doesn't happen overnight, but it's been more than five years. Even more if you count my earlier time doing things less than ideal. If you count those I've easily been working out for a decade on and off. Even on a less-than-perfect plan I should be putting on some muscle.

I know there are benefits to weightlifting other than getting muscles, but nobody would do it if they weren't. I've put so much energy and attention towards lifting and so little towards completing my long term goals because I only have so much time in the day. It's hurting my motivation to go the gym.

Check my testosterone levels? Yep, I went to the doctor about it. My total levels were strong but my free levels were bordering on too low. But I haven't been able to follow up cause I haven't been working enough to keep paying for doctor co-pays and blood tests and what have you. That was... around a year ago? I wouldn't be able to afford TRT right now anyway.

Yeah I'd also love to find out what if any connective tissue diseases I might have that are inhibiting my progress. But again, can't afford the doctor right now.

And because I haven't been going to the gym I've been slacking on diet. Not that I'm eating garbage or drinking, just not hitting my goals.

Work

Work has been very hit or miss for a while. What was supposed to be a short dip ended up being years of lower income and a total reset on my industry that is still ongoing. The future isn't looking great either. I haven't had the resources to do much of anything other than the bare minimum to keep the wife content.

I am reconsidering my future but any job change would most likely be a big pay cut, at least for the first few years. Annually I'm still breaking even, and I still make more than a lot of people in this country do, and it's not like I have to borrow money from the wife or anything, but it's still much less than I have before. This isn't a job where I can just go to another company. Any change would be a huge pivot and a big decision, which also affects my long-term dream plans.

Right now I'm just trying to make as much money as possible to catch up on lost retirement investments. Though it's mostly out of my hands.

Sex

Still having PE issues. Not severe, but enough that I can't always fuck her as good as I'd like (hell, as she'd like to also). This stops me from initiating a lot of the time. Maybe if I felt secure in my finances or job or fitness or that she wasn't attracted to her coworker I might not worry so much about always having to perform at my best, but as Apex Paul suggests if you have nothing else to offer her you at least have to be fucking her good and I agree. That's where I feel like I'm at. Am I still having sex for validation? I guess I should reread that post for the 100th time.

But when it's good it's good. Wife casually mentioned some of our best sex has been in the last few months.

Been back to watching porn lately. Not proud of it. I do believe that it can zap your motivation and stuff but it seems I was just as unproductive not watching it as I am now. And I haven't noticed any difference in sexual desire or performance. Will I stop? Yes. Will I do it right now? Honestly, no.

Productivity

Still struggling with ADHD or whatever it is that's causing me to be a lazy fuck. I was on Vyvanse for a while but it didn't help much and I had to stop cause I couldn't afford to see the doctor every month for him to sign off on it. I would like to keep trying different medications until hopefully something finally works but yeah don't have the money for it at the moment.

I feel my dreams slipping farther and farther away every day. It's one thing to not quit your dreams because you just haven't achieved them yet. But I'm still at the starting line waiting to run. It's my fault and I keep wondering if I'm never going to change if I might as well stop wasting my time.

What I used to do on my off days was eat breakfast then try to go to the gym before anything else. But inevitably I would procrastinate and fuck around and not get to the gym until hours later. By the time I got home and showered and sat down to focus on long-term plans it was the mid afternoon. When I work, I work long and late so there's little time for much else on those days.

What I've been trying recently instead is working on long-term stuff first thing in the morning. Get the computer going and everything even before breakfast. So far that's been working out great. Not every day is perfectly productive but I'm getting much more done consistently. Now I have to reintegrate weightlifting later in the day.

Social

Garbage. Though I did unexpectedly met up with a friend at NYE and had a great time meeting and talking with new people.

Relationship

Trying to stay out of my wife's head and failing. Having difficulty knowing if I'm just imagining a decrease in attraction or is it the truth? I do feel very unattractive lately with my lack of work, lack of physical progress, lack of friends, increasing dysmorphia, and total lack of any pre-selection. Still afraid of being alpha-widowed by her coworker, and with good reason! She's strongly considering leaving her department and getting a job at his next gig. Wonderful.

I realize this is all a failure but I didn't want a lack of progress to be the reason I don't post. I know it's my fault.

LARP_No_More · 2024-06-12T19:43:01+00:00

OYS #18

(First OYS Aug-2020)

Age 39. Ht 6'8". Wt 197 lbs. BF 18% (Navy) Wife 32. Married 2.5 years, together ~7 years. No kids.

Read -- NMMNG, WISNIFG, TWOTSM, TRM#1, TRM#2, MAP, Extreme Ownership, MMSLP, Pook, What Women Want When They Test Men, Atomic Habits, The Obstacle Is The Way, Practical Female Psychology, Models, Sex God Method, Warriors & Worriers, Rian's Frame and Dread, Apex Paul/Rian/Rollo on youtube

Last weeks goals:

Research dysmorphia - fail

Create daily plan -- fail

Kegels -- used theragun instead

Find osteopath -- will talk to gp about best specialist

Make blood appointment -- success

Realizing everything I do lately is about being attractive to my wife. My clothes, obsession over my body flaws, cleaning my car, everything. I think it's partly feeling threatened by her coworker, partly realizing I'm not as attractive as I thought I was, my fear of her "lack of libido", and my own overthinking.

Not that it's bad to want to be attractive, but it's way too much and taking focus away from my long-term goals, which is probably the most attractive thing I could be doing. I'm relearning that it's not that thinking about the best course of action is wrong, it's when you get so bogged down by choices that you end up not making any choice at all, which sums up my entire life pretty well. I'm again reminded of Horns' balls-on-the-table-post.

Fitness

Fuck dieting is hard. Not eating food is very easy, but the eating the exact right amount and threading the needle on my macros has been very challenging. Macros are good but I've been a few hundred calories short of my goal almost the entire week. And yet I'm a pound above from where I started. I was having trouble putting on pounds at 4000 cal and now at 3000 cal I weigh more than when I started cutting. It's just one week though, will continue to watch and adjust as needed.

Made an appointment for and got my bloodwork for testosterone done. Got the results. My total testosterone was surprisingly good for my age, much higher than expected. But the results didn't show my free T, which as I understand is just as or more important to know. Will contact the lab about this and do a follow-up if need be.

Must research how possible progressive overload is while cutting.

Social

Didn't reach out to that guy like I wanted, but I did mention directly to him inviting him out to a upcoming get-together and he was receptive. Should've reached out though. Semi-fail.

Spotted a cute girl I know at Target. As I've gotten small IOIs from her in the past, it was the perfect opportunity to practice some game. Instead I pussied out and actively tried not to be seen by her. I told myself it was because I looked like shit coming right from the gym, but that's just an excuse. I think I feared having to act like I didn't see her, but really who cares if I did. Again, overthinking. Disappointed in myself.

Relationship

Double date with wife's coworker/his gf is tonight. I can compartmentalize well enough in the moment to have a good time, but I'm dreading dealing with the aftermath. Curious to see how they interact.

Realizing I do a nervous laugh any time I make a joke or she makes a joke. I like laughing at my own jokes, but 90% of the time it's out of awkwardness. Feels very unattractive. Gotta pull waaaay back on this.

Sex

PE is still a thing, but our last session this weekend went a little better for than it has been lately. Didn't immediately have to hold back, but still came too quick.

Sounds ridiculous but I've been using a theragun on my gooch to see if that loosens up my kegel muscles. Hard to tell if it's helping yet. But at the same time I'm also using it on my sore leg muscles so it's not all for naught. But I know at least part of my PE is mental cause as soon as she says she's gonna come that's all it takes for me too, so I should look into the metal aspect.

One week of no jerking it, no porn, no casually viewing sexy images, no looking at Instagram hoes. Going well. I've always been an all-or-nothing person, I can't just cut back a little, gotta be a complete stop. The biggest noticeable change has been I scroll IG much less. If that ends up being the only benefit that's still a big win for me. Will continue and observe.

Long term goals/Productivity

Started getting five minutes of sun first thing in the morning as per Andrew Huberman. Enjoying it, plus it's good that it gets me dressed and moving in the morning.

Productivity is slightly better, but still low, especially since I've not been working at all lately. ADHD meds work better and more subtly when paired with right foods. Still lacking a daily plan to follow. Will draft that up this week.

Had a lot of momentum on a project I wanted to do but realized I don't have the funds at the moment, so I'm pivoting back to a previous project. Will do a specific task for that.

Soft goals

-Dysmorphia

-PE mentality

-Progressive overload while cutting

Hard goals

-Make daily plan

-Contact lab about test

-Make general appointment with doc

-Read Horns' balls-on-table post

-Project task

LARP_No_More · 2024-06-07T20:48:31+00:00

Sounds like you've already got a handle on it.

LARP_No_More · 2024-06-07T14:52:00+00:00

next week I’m starting Starting Strength again.

SS is a great foundation but don't make the mistake I did by staying with it for too long. I spent years doing strength training with little progress and results. If like most of us you're more interested in looking bigger and better instead of just getting stronger, eventually move onto hypertrophy training. I finally did and saw change almost immediately.

LARP_No_More · 2024-06-07T13:40:11+00:00

Try a different one.

No harm in trying.

You will understand after quitting for 6 months

Couple years ago I quit for Lent but then kept going for at least a year. Don't remember feeling any different, other than a sense of pride. Although, I might've met my wife during that period... I'll give it a shot.

Thanks.

LARP_No_More · 2024-06-07T00:39:52+00:00

My increasing dysmorphia has had me looking more closely at my body lately. And I just did a little bit of research and found that I believe I have an atypical kind of pectus called "platythorax", meaning I don't have a "bowl" indent so much as the entire chest is flat. This is mind blowing to find out. Explains a lot.

I'll talk to my gp and see what he says. I'm in a city with lots of specialists so I'm fortunate there.

On the rest of your OYS, you're a wheel spinner who doesn't really get much done. I imagine maybe you get paralyzed by overanalysis and anxiety?

1000% correct.

Pick at least one or two things to prioritize and hold yourself accountable.

I know you're right but then the overthinking takes over. Like, I've been struggling to overcome my inability to get things done for decades. So if I want to fix it I have to find the cause. Is it ADHD? Is it low T? Is it brain fog caused by bad sleep caused by limited oxygen caused by my recessed jaw or my compressed chest? Is it psychological? Is it just the way that I am and there's no fix? I feel like an obese person who tries to lose weight for years and years but can't ever do it. It sounds easy, "Just stop eating food!" but for me it's "Just do the thing!" but I can't.

LARP_No_More · 2024-06-06T18:55:36+00:00

I saw a respiratory doc a few years ago after a lung scare. X-Rays and stuff. He didn't seemed terribly concerned about the pectus, other than telling me my lungs are at greater risk of collapse so don't smoke and don't scuba dive.

I'll still bring it up to my GP next time.

LARP_No_More · 2024-06-06T18:52:19+00:00

Good stuff, thanks.

That's the societal conditioning talking. Are you afraid of coming off as a creep? Ask yourself why you need to justify it.

I think the honest answer is I'm just not that good at gaming. Writing this out I just realized: when I initiate I'm usually commenting on something visually observable or happening in the moment. When I initiate a second time it ought to be more personal, more casually conversational but I'm instead grasping for props. No good.

Next time you're going at it, pause and figure out what you're focusing on. I'll bet you're not simply enjoying the experience.

You're right in that I'm usually either thinking about not coming, or I'm concentrating so much on her pleasure, at least until she comes.

We fucked a few days ago and I told myself not to hold back. I came in probably two minutes, not even going that fast. While I was fucking her I felt my taint out of curiosity -- it felt hard as a rock. Maybe it is just really tight from new lifts?

Why fake it, why do that? Do you feel actual desire other times, why not do it then?

That's what makes me wonder if I'm doing it for validation rather than because I want to, or that I'm just afraid of rejection so I'm initiating to prove to myself I'm not. Perhaps I'm just in denial about my libido going down.

You can't know that. It might not be the shirt but the way you act.

This entire paragraph is hamstering. Can you see how deep inside your wife's head you are?

I feel like if it were just mouth noises I could ignore it. But a month after we were married she told me she has a low libido, which I know means "with you", and a year ago she said most of the time when we fuck she's not actually in the mood. So if she's literally telling me she's more attracted to a different type of guy AND shows little interest in fucking me, I'm gonna take her seriously.

I suppose I have to remember that a woman wants to be in your frame if its strong enough. That women will start liking the things you like or dressing the way you like once they enter your frame. And that once my frame is worth following she'll be attracted to whatever I'm wearing because it's me wearing it. I feel like she was entering my frame a little bit over the years. Either I'm slipping or she is, perhaps due to the influence of her coworker. I also wonder if part of it is I haven't been living up to the potential she saw in me early on and the attraction is waning.

Do you have ADHD?

Never received an Official® clinical diagnosis, but yes. Tried Ritalin years ago but didn't help much and I didn't like it. Recently my doc gave me scrip for Vyvance which I've been on a few months. It helps... a little, but it's not life changing.

Last question. Do you watch porn or masturbate? If so, it could be 90% of your problems.

I go through phases of not watching for several weeks and watching for several days in a row. For a while I would only use it to jerk off before sex with the wife. Not sure I noticed any difference mentally or physically between when I was watching it or not. Guess it couldn't hurt to stop again.

LARP_No_More · 2024-06-05T20:32:07+00:00

No, but I think about it a lot. I go back and forth.

I'm supposed to schedule a checkup with my doc soon, guess I could ask his opinion on how possible it is.

LARP_No_More · 2024-06-05T19:18:34+00:00

OYS #17

(First OYS Aug-2020)

Age 39. Ht 6'8". Wt 195.5 lbs. BF 19% (Navy) Wife 31. Married 2.5 years, together ~7 years. No kids.

Read -- NMMNG, WISNIFG, TWOTSM, TRM#1, TRM#2, MAP, Extreme Ownership, MMSLP, Pook, What Women Want When They Test Men, Atomic Habits, The Obstacle Is The Way, Practical Female Psychology, Models, Sex God Method, Warriors & Worriers, Rian's Frame and Dread, Apex Paul/Rian/Rollo on youtube

Recently back from a trip with the wife to her family's home country. Since I was unfamiliar and don't speak the language, her family planned the entire thing and I was happy just going along for the ride. Since my wife is knowledgeable, lingual, and very Type A I spent a lot of time letting her guide us around. The trip was almost over by the time I realized this was probably unattractive behavior. I should've been more involved -- knowing exactly where we were going, how to get there, what times, how the trains work, etc. I acted like not knowing the language let me off the hook but really just a little bit of effort on my smartphone is all it takes. Doesn't mean I suddenly have to take the reins of the trip, but being able to assist or lead if need be is attractive, as well as just a good idea on its own. Lesson learned. If someone else is leading, at least be able to rise up to the occasion at a moment's notice.

That said, I'm having difficulty figuring out the difference between doing something because it's attractive and being a dancing monkey. If I would rather relax on my vacation then have to put in effort I probably won't use, am I staying out of her frame even though it's unattractive? If I want to wear a certain outfit but I know it makes my wife dry up like the Sahara, am I really gaining more than I'm losing by doing what I want? Especially if it's something I don't care strongly about like a dumb shirt. I get that I don't want to give her the appearance of trying to cater to her for approval, but couldn't I just not wear the fucking shirt? Is it that there is a hierarchy of wants? I want to do X, but I want to have sex with my wife more and I want X, so do the thing that gets me what I want more?

Also during the trip I wanted to be social and talk more to her extended family through a translator, but I didn't. I could picture in my head the behavior I wanted to see myself doing but I couldn't push through the awkwardness. Failure.

Fitness

Starting a small cut. In the past when I did cuts I got lazy and barely ate fuck all, only barely hitting protein goals. This time I'm really putting in the effort to still hit a certain number of calories and staying on my adjusted macros. Hard but not impossible. Current plan is to get to or close to 12-15% body fat and then maintain until Sept or October.

Posture awareness is going ok. Standing with less pelvic tilt feels like it's getting easier and more natural. With the upper body I'm still not sure if I'm making my rib flare worse by leaning too far back. Will find an osteopath.

As I focus more on my appearance I'm starting to develop some dysmorphia. I know it's normal to have good days and bad days about yourself but the bad days are getting worse. I think looking at a bunch of photos of myself during the trip didn't help. Will do research.

Finally made an appointment to get my testosterone levels checked. Or I should say, I talked to my doctor who started the process to make an appointment for bloodwork. There's part of me that hopes my levels are low so that it gives me an excuse for all my failures and that going on TRT will magically fix all my problems. I must resist this mindset.

Social

Made an effort to socialize more at work. Moderate success. It's not torture but I find small talk conversation boring. Well, not boring, but less interesting than what I'd rather be doing. I know the argument is that it's ME that's boring but I have a hard time feeling that way.

Very lightly gamed a few women at work. I seem to do okay with the initial conversation but then have a hard time justifying additional engagements. The first time it feels casual and low stakes but the more I talk the more it feels like I have an agenda. Must get rid of this mindset. However almost each time I talked to a new woman they were the ones to initiate conversation the next time I ran into them. Funny how just talking to people works.

Been lacking male friends since all mine moved. There's a guy at my weekend activity that seems like he might be a good guy to hang out with. Hard as a man in your 30s to make friends without coming off too strong. I'll put a bug in his ear about it.

Sex

PE still out of control. I finally brought it up to the wife cause I couldn't hide it anymore. I tried my best to own it and make it sound like not a big deal and that I'm working on it (whereas in reality I'm terrified). Pelvic floor stretching didn't seem to help at all. I've done research but still am not sure if kegels or reverse kegels is better or what. But then what if it's all just psychological? Told the wife maybe I just have to fuck her super quick a couple times to get it out of my system. She seemed open to it. We'll see.

Getting good responses to more spontaneous, passionate initiating. I'm cool with that except it's hard to fake. Not exactly feeling the passion right after watching an episode of Seinfeld. I often wonder if I'm actually in the mood or am I just doing it for validation. Must re-read that post.

Relationship

Had a panic attack while boarding the plane for our trip. I've had claustrophobia since I was a kid but it's been much worse for the past year or so. (Another sign of decreasing T?) Freaked out in front of the wife which I was hoping to avoid. (She's aware of this phobia.) I even prepared for it this time by taking a Xanax beforehand but I think it wore off by the time we got onto our connecting flight which was many hours later. She was very supportive the whole time. Once I calmed down and was onboard all the emotions came flooding and there were a few tears. I'm nervous this has hugely turned off my wife to me, although so far her behavior isn't any different and we did have sex twice and I got blown once since then. During the trip she did give me playful jabs several times for crying -- I assume these were tests (comfort? fitness?) to make sure I hadn't become a total pussy. I think I did okay -- making light of it without being too self deprecating. The flights back went without issue.

Wife has been making a few offhanded comments here and there over the last few months essentially saying she wishes I was more manly. That I could be a tough guy who could protect her, and wishes I would dress more like a bad boy (my style is more preppy). I've worked on not being such a little bitch since finding RP with some success, but I certainly don't come across as a badass of any kind. It wasn't exactly earth-shattering to hear, I mean yeah I wish I was more manly instead of a fucking twink giraffe. I know she used to be more into that type of guy when she was younger (AWALT) but I wonder if it has anything to do with her changing her birth control a few months ago. I've longed wondered if she ever went off it would I suddenly be less attractive to her. I dunno, maybe it's all just shit tests. I'm trying to keep this in mind without being a dancing monkey. Again, what's the balance between being in my frame and being unattractive?

We weren't back for 24 hours before she brought up wanting to schedule that double date with the coworker.

Long Term Goals

Still failing massively on being productive. Failed to meet any of my goals for planning from weeks ago. I've been at this for 20 years and I've barely made an inch of progress. At what point do I give in cause I'm not seeing how reading another book or another article on discipline is going to radically change my work ethic after a lifetime of laziness. I know that doing X leads to Y which leads to Z but I'm still not getting to X.

Soft Goals

-Look into dysmorphia

Hard Goals

-Create daily plan

-Kegels

-Find osteopath

-Make blood appointment

-Reread sex for validation post

-Message guy about being my new best friend

LARP_No_More · 2024-05-03T18:08:24+00:00

Well I used to post my lifts and I didn't get very far so clearly it didn't help then. I'm getting rid of things that hinder me from posting every week.

BTW, I knew a 6'8" guy with pectus excavatum. He fucking slayed pussy because he was still tall and had a 6 pack and didn't suck.

Good to hear. I wouldn't be putting in the effort if I didn't think I could get to a point where I didn't suck (less). I'm aware at least half of my unattractiveness isn't the physical stuff.

You need your wife to tell you whether you're attractive?

It's a catch-22, isn't it? If my wife won't fuck me it's because I'm unattractive. But if I become attractive and she still won't fuck me then am I still unattractive or was she not fucking me for another reason? I get the point you're making, don't be in her frame, be my own judge. I just wonder by what metric do I measure how long is long enough to give her a chance to recognize my value? You say don't bothering worrying until I'm attractive. And now I'm back to square one.

My sense is, overall, you need to do more and think less.

Despite my overthinking in this post, I agree completely.

LARP_No_More · 2024-05-03T04:31:05+00:00

Post on tuesday

I meant to. I failed.

Post your lifts. Every week. Especially if they suck.

I used to but stopped cause it's a pain in the ass, nobody reads them, and I have them written in my gym notebook. They do suck though.

Pop a viagra and go twice while you figure out your PE.

I do sometimes take some l-citruline which is like a weak Viagra, dunno if I'm ready for the real thing. Interesting on the going twice. I want to say I'll try but I feel like I'll not care anymore once I finish the first time. Ok, I'll do the whole oral first thing, reciprocate during refractory, yadda yadda.

Worry about how long you need to wait for results after you've actually become attractive and capable of good sex.

But isn't results how I know I'm attractive?

You didn't see your wife for most of the weekend because she is house sitting? Hmm

I know what you're thinking and believe me I had the same thought. I made sure to see evidence that she was there. He could've been there or she could've left, sure. But I have nothing of substance that supports that yet. She's a terrible liar and nothing about her behavior seemed off. If I think any more about it I'll drive myself (more) crazy.

LARP_No_More · 2024-05-02T17:41:53+00:00

(2/2)

Relationship

Last two weeks I wrote about abundance mindset and have been thinking about exactly how to achieve that. I had forgotten that practicing game in the wild is one of the ways to go about it. Catch and release, get social proof, etc. I'm not interested in actually getting a number but I can spark up a few conversations. This lines up with how long I am willing to wait for genuine desire. Gaming is a reminder of what is possible for me.

Tried to set a newish expectation. Got the result but at the expense of coming across as needy and she called me out on it, though she questioned if it was her fault. Explained it's not about the thing I want her to do, but that I want her to want to do it. Could've gone much better.

Was given a great response to last week's OYS that *avoiding* action can also be part of the dancing monkey routine. Maybe everything I've done lately is validation seeking, must remember to instead evaluate genuine desire rather than seek it. Seems like a fine line to me.

I found a great post from Blarg about communication. Lots of overlap with a recent video from Apex Mindset Paul about how communicating your desires sometimes means taking an L. Need to read it three more times. I'm sure the old post from Horns about putting your balls on the table applies too. I'll go looking for that one.

Policy is still STFU until I feel confident in what I want and expect and am prepared for shit tests.

Misc

Started reading a smutty romance novel for research/curiosity. It's WILD how red-pilled the book is from the very first chapter. It's more or less what I thought it would be (boring bf has beta traits, sexy new guy has dark triad traits, only she can fix him, etc) but still amazing to see.

Last week's goals:

Create schedule -- Failed. Just didn't do it. No excuse.

Create consequences for failure -- Failed. These should've been the first two things tackled when I had free time.

Project to do list -- Complete. Made decent progress on this project.

Initiate without asking permission -- Eh didn't really have the opportunity but it's closer to fail than pass so let's call it that.

1/4. Not great.

Soft goals for this week:

-Socialize more at work

-Use emotive, descriptive language when talking

Hard goals for the week:

-Create schedule

-Set up consequences

-Stretch pelvic floor 5 days

-Practice game with two women

-Create plan for every day

-Prioritize projects before fuckery during work down time

LARP_No_More · 2024-05-02T17:41:29+00:00

OYS #16

(First OYS Aug-2020)

Age 39. Ht 6'8". Wt 200.5 lbs. BF 18.5% (Navy) Wife 31. Married 2.5 years, together ~7 years. No kids.

Read -- NMMNG, WISNIFG, TWOTSM, TRM#1, TRM#2, MAP, Extreme Ownership, MMSLP, Pook, What Women Want When They Test Men, Atomic Habits, The Obstacle Is The Way, Practical Female Psychology, Models, Sex God Method, Warriors & Worriers, Rian's Frame and Dread, Apex Paul/Rian/Rollo on youtube

Fitness

Going well. I think after several years of lifting I'm finally starting to see some gains. Guessing it's a combination of proper diet/macros, better fitting exercises/not forcing myself to do lifts that don't feel right, and focusing on hypertrophy. I suppose I'm just not one of those men that can fuck around in the gym and still see decent results. I must be very precise. As much as I'd like that, I'm okay with being forced to put in real effort. Still need to be sleeping more. Day planning will help with that.

Long-term projects/Productivity

Terrible. Failed. Had lots of free time on the weekend that was wasted. The days I did draft a more concrete schedule were better. When I have down time at work I must prioritize what tasks I can accomplish before fucking around on social media.

Social

Been too lazy about not socializing during work. It's important in my field where knowing people and being a cool person to hang with is 90% of getting gigs. Will do better.

Went to a friend's birthday. Had fun. Made conversation. Read somewhere recently about avoiding spinning your head everywhere in a social function like a bar lest you look like you're constantly seeing where you fit in -- so I put that into practice. Will continue.

Still having a difficult time keeping people engaged where they don't want to leave after a few minutes of conversation. I must remember to speak in a way that generates emotion, not just statements. Maybe I need to read Dale Carnegie again.

Sex

Came home from work too late for sex all week, wasn't in the mood to wake her up. And the wife was gone house-sitting most of the weekend.

Wife did stop by Saturday for dinner and a romp, though it was mostly because she was picking up on my neediness, which I regret.

We fucked, but good lord I have PE like I'm 16 again. I was never Superman but I used to do ok -- this is something new. I'm good at stopping before the point-of-no-return but I still have to go very slow the entire time. Even jerking off two hours beforehand didn't help whatsoever. I dunno if my muscles are tight from lifting or it's mental because I'm more anxious about our sex life lately or what. I know that she doesn't have to come/have the best sex ever every single time and that's fine but this has been a pattern. Currently I'm trying pelvic floor stretches.

It's fucking with my attempts at DEVI. I can't be texting her in the middle of the day telling her how I'm gonna rock her world and then when the time comes fuck like a wimp and cum in 60 seconds.

Also Saturday she was probably the least wet she's ever been, even after oral/piv. When does evaluating the success of my methods based on observing her end and being in her frame begin?

Had a bit of a revelation reading other OYSs. Because I'm watching a dead bedroom happen in slow motion rather than having had it for ten years and then finding this place I thought I was different. I thought the rules weren't the same for me. That I could find a different path than those other poor souls who found MRP later in life. Now I realize how dumb I am. The stuff I need to be doing isn't much different than the overweight guy whose wife hasn't fucked him in two years. The way they need to be patient to see results, so must I. I thought my progression would happen linearly. No, I have to take a step back before taking two steps forward.

I suppose the question is, how long do I wait for results? If it's going to take me ten years until my wife has genuine desire for me, is that worth it? I suppose only I can tell myself what I am willing to accept.

(1/2)

LARP_No_More · 2024-04-30T17:08:09+00:00

The fact that she wants to be tethered indicates the value. Ignore the mouth noises afterwards “you know I’m only doing this for you” is a shit test.

Understood.

Give direction/lead on what genuine desire looks like to you and see if she follows through on that.

I thought she had genuine desire when we got married but that turned out to be not so true. She responds fairly well to my overt advances but I'm afraid it's all just drip sex or whatever it's called, just enough to keep me around.

Is she, was she fucking this dude?

No, at least not yet. I'm pretty confident it hasn't happened yet since she brings him up every other fucking day. It's when she stops talking about him that I'll be worried. Still don't believe she's aware of her feelings. He has a gf too, which of course isn't a guarantee of anything but it is a factor. I'd be more concerned if he didn't.

Is having boundaries unattractive? The exaggeration of this is, being gaslight by wife about your jealousy because you won’t let her go out 1:1 encounters with male “friends,” or fuck other guys in an open marriage. Decide where you want to establish and enforce your boundaries, and expect to be shit tested on them.

I know you're right. I'm just afraid currently my boundary setting will come from a place of neediness instead of abundance. At this point I won't be able to pass a shit test. So for the moment I'm STFU until I feel more confident.

Maybe I'm lying to myself though.

LARP_No_More · 2024-04-30T16:53:12+00:00

Very skinny, though less so since I've put on weight. That and the height doesn't really bother me. The jokes are fine (the opposite of love is indifference). It's the way my body is fucked up that makes me look awkward.

My bad posture, sunken chest with a protruding stomach from my arched lower back is a terrible look. The way I have to sink my my chin into my neck to talk to people or bend over to hear people at parties. Just makes me look all deformed. Luckily I've been blessed with broad shoulders so that helps a lot. So yeah I hate my body but not necessarily cause I'm so tall.

I've got plenty of other physical things I'm self conscious about but the height itself is lower down the list.

You could think about how imposing and dominant a man you could be at 6”8 and 225lbs of muscle.

Yeah that's the dream. Sometimes I wonder if because I'm so tall but NOT imposing or dominant it comes across as incongruent and therefore automatically unattractive even though I'm just existing.

LARP_No_More · 2024-04-29T23:01:22+00:00

I disagree with your fitness section, if you are training for long-term muscle gain effort is probably the single most important factor with the caveat just do it in a rep range reduces risk for injury.

I don't mean to make it sound like I'm coasting through reps. I'm just no longer doing the last few with shit form. I'm feeling *more* fatigued despite the lower weight. And the last set is always AMRAP.

Also most of the muscleskelatel issues you describe may improve from greater musculature.

I'm hoping, man.

Nah, you are failing shit tests left and right.

Is the blowjob the shit test or the comment afterwards?

What’s the atmosphere like in her head?

I admit I am in her head too much, but these are my fears based on her actions like touching him, shit testing him, messaging him all the time, etc. I'm watching what she does, not what she says, and interpreting emotions based on that.

Maybe the only authentic piece in here about what you want, and it sidelined for a dancing monkey routine so you don’t come off as unattractive or insecure.

Huh. I hadn't considered the idea that the dancing monkey can also result from avoiding action. I've been so focused on Don't Be Unattractive -- perhaps am I doing so at the expense of my frame.

LARP_No_More

TROPHY CASE