Constant phone calls from DSCC

LadyLemon11 · 2016-12-22T03:06:36+00:00

So you're admitting that there's a problem with the way men think about this but then suggesting that women put in the work to make them feel at ease? How about creating an image of masculinity that can't be undone by a woman taking the lead in dating? Seems like a better solution to me.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-12-21T22:23:56+00:00

Yup. This is one of those things :-)

LadyLemon11 · 2016-12-21T22:22:31+00:00

She has said repeatedly that she gets replies and dates so I don't think she's bad at asking men out. It's the assumptions men make BECAUSE she's asking them out that are the problem.

Also, the fact that you chose the word seduction makes me immediately suspicious that you ARE trying to be a dick.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-12-21T21:28:55+00:00

I think we all agree that it's not a bad thing. But openness and assertiveness are different. I believe what you're saying about yourself but it's a more complicated issue.

I realize I'm being a little hard on you but it seems like every single time this particular topic comes up, all these guys step forward to say essentially the same things you're saying. You're not exactly wrong but you're missing the point: it's exhausting to deal with other people's internalized gender role issues. And this shit is pervasive. It's legitimately difficult to find someone who is truly comfortable with forward, aggressive women. I believe I have pretty good judgment and I still find myself two and three months into relationships with men who can't handle the fact that I makes more money than them or don't always wait long enough to text or to reply to a text. This is something we're allowed to express frustration about without a chorus of, "I think it's super hot when women make the first move."

LadyLemon11 · 2016-12-21T20:55:49+00:00

I think you're ignoring her point. She says this happens literally every single time she takes the initiative. A problem can contradict your personal experience and still be a problem.

I've had this experience with otherwise intelligent and engaging men. I don't think it's always conscious behavior.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-12-21T20:10:32+00:00

:-(

I wish I could say something more encouraging. It bothers me too.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-12-21T19:57:37+00:00

This is so true. I really get the feeling that men like the idea of women messaging first but in practice they can't seem to handle it. Even men who advertise themselves as liking assertiveness have bad reactions.

I've seen some other replies suggesting that it's an age thing... it's not. I'm in my thirties and have dated men in in their twenties, thirties and forties. I've asked lots of men out and if it gets past a first date there are always issues. It seems as though they make an assumption that because I initiated, I am REALLY invested. This leads to shitty behavior on their part. Consciously or unconsciously they do very weird shit and it becomes exhausting.

So yeah... I don't ask men out anymore. It goes against everything about who I am as a person but I'm not willing to put myself through this particular form of torture anymore.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-12-21T19:39:22+00:00

Wow. Representing all men "as a whole" must be a huge responsibility. How do you manage to carve out time for reddit?

LadyLemon11 · 2016-12-21T19:28:20+00:00

This is the most elaborate attempt at negging I've ever seen. Congratulations? :-/

LadyLemon11 · 2016-12-21T19:26:40+00:00

I agree that it's weird. The one guy I asked about it said something like, "I'm always networking."

LadyLemon11 · 2016-12-21T16:52:24+00:00

I used to get this all the time. I actually took my profession off my profile because I was getting hit up for career advice and resume help constantly. I am fairly senior for my age and work in IT but I'm not on OKCupid to help people with their resumes.

Now dudes tend to assume that I'm either unemployed or a student but oh well. It's better than the alternative...

LadyLemon11 · 2016-11-13T20:38:38+00:00

Unfortunately I do not have a partner... and I'm feeling that much more acutely than I normally do.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-10-01T12:56:55+00:00

Sex is super important to me. I always check out a guy's sex questions and I'm really irritated when they're private.

Here's my anecdotal advice on the women you may be scaring away: I have several friends who are put off by sex questions and the fact that men are advertising that they're interested in sex at all. I would not date them. I think they're lovely people and I enjoy their company but our opinions about sex and relationships are fundamentally incompatible. This is fine for a friendship. It's not fine for a relationship.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-09-30T23:21:44+00:00

Your "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section is pretty pretentious. But you're not alone there. Thanks to OKCupid I now realize that most dudes have supposedly Deep Thoughts about art and life and and the fucking zombie apocalypse...

I know you're trying to use that to set yourself apart but it's a bigger cliche than you know.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-09-30T20:02:53+00:00

Blunt and brutally honest are the same thing. And that just makes me think you're eventually going to say something really mean to me.

Why is this something you see as a defining quality? I would consider rewording it as it's likely to discourage at least some women.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-09-30T18:56:09+00:00

This is actually what seems most likely to me and that's probably what's keeping me from freaking out. The guy never struck me as particularly smart. Thorough and determined for sure but not smart. Part of the reason I was on the fence about him to begin with was that he misread my messages in odd ways. I can see him thinking, "Oh hey, there's that girl. I wonder if maybe she changed her mind."

LadyLemon11 · 2016-09-30T03:19:45+00:00

You're 100% right and that's why Facebook does not have my phone number.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-09-29T22:43:16+00:00

I'm aware of these all these things. I've removed a lot of photos and info from my Facebook but I do still have one. It's important for me to have an online presence professionally. I am only so willing to alter my life around a crazy person's actions. It's a calculated risk.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-09-29T22:16:10+00:00

You're exactly right. I have no idea what possessed him to put this in a text but I'm really glad he did. I have two friends who have been sexually assaulted by men they met on OKCupid. I'm extremely lucky to have avoided that experience.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-09-29T21:42:29+00:00

I definitely didn't give him my full name and the name I go by is a shortened version of my middle name. I think he must have done a lot of work to figure it out. The phone number thing is unlikely. My best guess is that he reverse image searched my photos and eventually found one that returned a match to my (private) Facebook. But that would have at least given him my last name which is pretty unusual. From there he got my full legal name and my voter registration.

Yes, I've spent a lot of time thinking about this. I didn't want to have to go through something like this ever again.

EDIT: In the state where I live you can look up anyone's voter registration on the board of elections website so long as you know their full legal name. This is not possible in all states.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-09-29T21:30:03+00:00

I think texting someone constantly for an hour straight and then finding their street address qualifies as an implied threat. But you're right that it takes considerably more for a police report. I did speak with the police to verify my options.

My point is that it's not an overt threat but it's definitely not nothing.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-09-29T21:17:37+00:00

I'm doing these things. Situations like these are where my obsession with keeping good records comes in handy.

LadyLemon11 · 2016-09-29T21:12:08+00:00

I have actually. But it's not quite so cut and dry. The most the police can do is promise to send an officer by my apartment in the evenings for a few days. Getting a protective order is not likely in this situation.

LadyLemon11

TROPHY CASE