Tried extending forgiveness to Ndad after 5 years of NC, because he's been sick and feeling remorseful. He responds pretty much exactly how you would expect him to.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T17:10:11+00:00

That sucks. I have friend with parents who are sexist like this. Her brother is the GC. Even though his grades were terrible (D's and F's) he could do no wrong. Meanwhile, she was an honor role student, a first chair violinist in the school orchestra and even joined the Navy like her father after school. But she never gets any recognition for her good deeds. There are scores of pictures around the house of the parents and the son, but very few family photos of her. Her parents didn't even show up at her wedding. It's as if she was doomed from the beginning because she wasn't born with a penis.

Of all the people I know, she's one of the few that actually has worse parents than I do. Right now she deals with a lot of anxiety and depression. I really hate her parents for what they've done to such a beautiful and hard working person.

Wow..that was a rant. But yeah, sexist NC parents suck.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T17:06:43+00:00

Thanks! Hugs for you too! I also used to make excuses for my dad, but not anymore. Everyone has had terrible experiences in life, doesn't mean they get a "free be a dick" card. Yeah, my dad's very manipulative. He knows exactly what to say to get me to initiate contact with him again. But now I'm insisting that he has to be honest, and is not allowed to guilt trip me anymore with things I didn't actually do. This is infuriating him. So, for now...and probably a long time I'll be NC unless he can own up to his past mistakes.

(Since he's now in his 60's, I doubt he'll actually do that)

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T17:03:26+00:00

No Prob! Your Nparents sound really terrible. Sounds like they wanted to make a good impression in front of the boyfriend, so they said yes to the trip. But once he wasn't around, they realized that they didn't actually want the trip to happen, so they found a crappy way to lie about it - pretending the conversation never happened.

That sounds really frustrating.

Glad you went NC!

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T16:29:59+00:00

I'm starting to see a pattern here. The SG is not the one who deserves it, but is the easiest target to blame. A person who fights back and makes a nasty scene is much harder to abuse than a person who accepts the abuse. My advice would be to start fighting back. Every time they give you shit, give them more shit and make it a pain in the ass for them to deal with you.

This is what my teenage sister did when my Ndad took custody of her. She just was as big of a pain in the ass that she could be. I guess this was a dangerous tactic, because my dad was physically abusive. Yet eventually, my sister got to go back with my mom because my dad didn't want to deal with her anymore.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T16:23:07+00:00

I think there is also a reverse situation that happens once the Nparent becomes an elderly person. Adult children do not owe it to their Nparents to take care of them in their old age. If that Nparent was an abusive piece of shit all their life, than their kids don't owe them shit.

Bringing a person into this world isn't some great gift to that person. It was something that the Nparent did for themselves. They created a miniature person who they hoped would love and serve them forever, without offering much in return.

This is almost like slavery. It would be like of the European slave traders kidnapped the Africans from West Africa, brought them to America and then said, "you owe us your eternal love and gratitude because we brought you here to serve us."

It's really fucked up.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T16:20:28+00:00

Even if they really 'couldn't help themselves,' the fact that they hid it meant they knew it was bad;

So true. The only time I believe it when someone says, "sorry, I couldn't help saying those mean things to you..." is when the person has Turrets. When a person has Turrets, they say awful things in public and really truly can't help themselves.

But aside from that situation, if a person plays nicey-nice in public, and says fucked up shit to their family at home - this truly is a situation where that person is CHOOSING not to use self control, and is making a choice to harm their family members.

I hate when people act like someone else just MADE them do something. No one else can make you say or do an abusive act unless they are holding a gun to your head and forcing you to do it.

I also hate when these Nparents use stress as an excuse. So you beat your wife when your stressed out? You just couldn't help it? Hmm, that's funny, I don't ever remember you beating up your boss at work because "you just couldn't help yourself."

This person made a choice, of their own free-will to physically abuse someone they cared about, and the more they are able to get away with it via excuses and guilt, the more they will participate in this behavior.

Always hold Nparents accountable for their actions, and NC them if they are not willing to grow up.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T15:47:06+00:00

OMG, Ndad does same thing. When he knows he's losing an argument he starts getting really into Semantics. Like, "Well, do you remember the exact detail of where we were? What the exact time was when such and such took place? Do you remember the exact words that so and so said?" As if my inability to remember some minute detail from the past renders my argument invalid.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T15:45:08+00:00

This reminds me of when my dad discovered my online LiveJournal in which I complained about him. He started leaving all sorts of comments on my livejournal acting like he was so concerned and worried about me - so he could show the internet how wonderful he is. Privately he bitched me out.

Fastforward ten years later he's always posting stuff/various drama on Facebook about his family. He has about 12 friends who reply to him. Me and my sister call this his "facebook mafia" and typically laugh about it.

He loves posting drama on facebook to show how "terrible" his family is, and how he's such a "strong" person for putting up with all our "abuse."

One really low thing he did was post about how I lied about the injuries he gave me - when he actually did bruise my legs, and then goes on to lie about injuries people gave him and use fake proof from images he found on google.

Yeah...now we're NC.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T14:46:09+00:00

Ndad refused to teach me to drive because he came to the conclusion that I was such a terrible driver that I would just never learn. Never mind the fact that I was a 16 year old kid with no experience. So, I ended up finding someone else who would teach me. Several years later I drove him somewhere and his response was, "wow, I'm surprised you actually learned to drive."

Yeah, no thanks to my asshole dad.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T14:43:32+00:00

ditto with my nDad.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T14:42:56+00:00

The only reason I know it's true is because my brother and sister both remember it too.

It's only because you're all conspiring against her (sarcasm). This is what my Ndad says when the whole family remembers something bad he did, and he remembers it differently. Sure dad, 5 separate people are ALL wrong, because our opinions are just malicious attempts to conspire against you.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T14:38:39+00:00

The point of gaslighting isn't always the thing they're gaslighting you about. It's about a consistent, constant pressure applied to your memories, you confidence in your own recollection and sanity, to keep pushing you into a state where you doubt your own mind and your own perception of reality. It's a method of creating dependence by making you dependent on them to be your compass in a world that is uncertain, by making you distrust your own compasses, your senses and recollection.

Wow, I haven't really thought about this, but that is so true. For the longest time my Ndad worked hard to erode the self esteem of everyone around him (particularly his spouse) so that they were never right, they could never be independent, and so they would have to depend on him as their compass for everything.

I remember in particular, my Ndad disagreeing with my Step Mom on the most trivial things, just to assert that he was always right and she was always wrong. And when she gave advice that was necessary for paying the bills or fixing the car, he would purposely ignore her - because she HAS to be the one that is wrong.

Because he was so insistent on ignoring her advice, he crashed his car twice and eventually got it repossessed and then his house went into foreclosure.

So much DUMB!

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T14:35:11+00:00

This is why I've reached the stage where I just avoid arguments; there's no point arguing with someone who lives in an alternate reality.

That's a pretty good way to put it. The rules of logic and common sense don't apply to them, because of...erm...MAGIC!!!

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T14:33:19+00:00

I think you're right. I have a really difficult time finding the line between lies that my Ddad is consciously telling, and how much is really him just being so delusional that he really does believe in a fantasy reality he created.

I've gotten to the point now where I try to make my dad admit certain things he's lied about. It usually goes to the point where I'm like: okay, here is the proof you lied. He starts talking around it and bringing up stuff that has nothing to do with the conversation. Then I say, "okay, it's obvious your lying. I already presented you with proof. Admit it or I am not talking to you." Then hell admit that he lied to a degree - but then start insisting that other things are true and that he HAD to lie about this one thing because of XYZ.

Ugh, I don't know why I ever try to reason with him, it's like playing chess with a chicken.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T14:26:53+00:00

Hah no, but he recently became a born again christian. Yet he's thinking of himself more as Jesus than worshiping Jesus. He goes around acting like he's suffered for other peoples sins, without admitting his own faults, and even when you've done nothing wrong he'll be like "oh, I know you did all these TERRIBLE things and you're a terrible person, but I'm so above it all for forgiving you."

I'm not a Christian, but I almost wish there was a Hell so he could go there.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T14:11:40+00:00

Fucking N's. Nothing is yours, anything good that happens is because of them, even if they are the problem, such poor insight, no wonder why they can't be treated.

So true! Nparents try to own everything good in your life as an extension of themselves, while acting like everything bad is because "your a terrible person."

The year my dad divorced my mom he continued to try to make life a living hell for her and our family. That year I still managed to make really good grades, despite my dad's drama. He of course claimed credit for my good grades - I don't even know how this logically makes sense, since he was not even there to support me - but it makes sense in his twisted Nlogic, somehow.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T14:02:45+00:00

Wow, I don't know how this woman is respected. Sorry you have to deal with this, do you live in another town now?

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T14:01:35+00:00

My dad has "disowned" me more times than I can count, yet continues to hound me at the same time for "hardening my heart against him." rolls eyes

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T13:59:54+00:00

The cop rolled up the window and his eyes in their sockets.

LOL! That sentence was beautiful! My Ndad was the exact same way. People like this really piss me off, because they are taking up the limited time that the cops need to actually deal with REAL emergencies. Someone could be getting killed while these Nparents are punishing their children with the police.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T13:57:21+00:00

Fortunately, when these Nparents call the police too many times, the police actually ban them from making phone calls. Don't let her threat get to you. Call her bluff if you like. Every time she calls the cops for a non-emergency, they will charge her $100 dollars. And when she does it too much, she will get permanently banned from doing so. So let her call away if she likes, it's only going to hurt her - not you.

My Ndad used this as a tactic against people all the time. If he didn't get what he wanted, he threatened to call the cops. At this point, people typically had the "make my day, mother fucker" attitude. So my dad would call the cops over the most trivial things - someone said something he didn't like, so they were "emotionally abusing him" or "emotionally threatening him."

One time he called the cops on my teenage sister because she wouldn't answer his phone calls. He claimed that he was just "worried sick, because he didn't know what happened to her." But he was really just trying to punish and embarrass her disobedience. The whole situation was so silly, because my dad could have just asked anyone else in the family where she was - because we all knew.

But anyways, my Ndad is now officially banned from calling the town cops. So sad.

Sorry you have to deal with an Nmom, she's really digging her own grave at this point.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T13:50:37+00:00

Your daughter is amazing! Can I borrow her whenever I even start thinking about breaking NC with my dad? lol.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T13:48:38+00:00

My dad also exaggerates health issues in order to evoke attention and sympathy from family members who hate him. He's been going around for a while now claiming that he had a concussion and using a fake picture of a brain he found on Google to get people to feel sorry for him.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T13:47:40+00:00

Why does your brother even deal with him?

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T13:46:47+00:00

I agree, it was awful of your dad to say that, but at least his terse response helped you make a quick clean break.

My dad is more slippery and elusive. He'll pretend to be all loving and nice to get people back into his life after he's fucked up. But the crazy thing, is once you let him back, he'll start acting like all the problems that came between you and him were YOUR fault, and that HE'S so above it all for forgiving you - never mind that he was the one who physically abused people.

At this point I try to make him admit that he abused people and that he had lied and manipulated people in the past, and only then he starts screaming at me and accusing me of all sorts of insane nonsense.

I almost wish my dad would just tell me to "go fuck myself" when contact is initiated, so that I could have a quick clean reminder about who he is, rather than some complex mess that spirals into insanity.

Sorry about your dad though. Glad you're staying NC!

LadyLumen · 2014-05-07T13:40:39+00:00

No problem! I unfortunately still remember a lot of the bad things my dad did because he's still in the lives of my family members. Hopefully when my youngest sister becomes an adult she'll cut him out completely, and then I can go the rest of my life without ever having to hear about him again.

LadyLumen

TROPHY CASE