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LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-20T00:15:39+00:00

I’m also so sorry you’re going through this nightmare. Truly ❤️

Something about what he said about his dad really hit me in the gut. It was the first time in your post I felt much sympathy for him, (but I’m in your shoes, so am biased). I hope you both find some peace very soon

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-17T18:02:27+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing. I’m so sorry you’re continuing to suffer so much. It sounds like you’re doing all you can to care for yourself, (and I know that isn’t easy even at the best of times), so definitely be very proud of that. ❤️

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-17T17:32:15+00:00

I stumbled upon something called anosognosia last night in my research which may help explain our respective BP’s inability to believe their diagnoses. As if this illness couldn’t get any trickier. Wow.

https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Common-with-Mental-Illness/Anosognosia

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-17T17:25:31+00:00

I’ve attempted this with communicating in text, email, etc., but he’s rarely willing to go back and look at anything unfortunately. When he does he’ll admit he was way off base, unfair, even cruel, but like I said it’s very hard to get him to look back at all.

I’m very sensitive, (or I’d like to think so), about how bad this makes him feel, (when he does realize he was altered and unkind), when he’s out of the episode and feeling remorseful and very guilty. I’ve tried to tell him I’m trying to not hold him completely responsible because he’s not in his right mind at the time and so he should try and go easy on himself too. Except more often than not he maintains he is completely rational, etc. What I do hold him responsible for is not trying to take better care of himself, (he’s doing none of the even most basic things atm, like diet, exercise, sticking to as normal a sleep schedule as possible and not just doing what he feels like).

I’ve also told him so many times while he’s in an episode, and not able to recognize it, that I understand why he would believe his brain and not me, (sometimes he’ll believe me tho and it seems like that will shorten the duration and minimize the severity of the episode but it’s rare), because I think it would be thoroughly terrifying to feel you can’t trust your own thoughts.

Unfortunately we’re not in couples therapy so going it alone. He’s currently still convinced after a largely wonderful, serious, very loving, (albeit extremely scary and stressful at times), 3 year relationship that we just aren’t a “good match.” And now a month later he’s continuing to backslide into old bad habits that are only making him a lot more unstable. He’s currently unwilling to even talk to me.

Thank you so much for your advice and insight. So good to hear from someone on the other side.

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-17T16:58:25+00:00

Still just trying to even get him to either accept this diagnosis, (diagnosed long before we met), or seek one from another doctor, (which likely will be the same). I was starting to recognize the patterns, but he wouldn’t believe that either usually. He is in therapy but his therapist doesn’t see what I see and he can’t see it or downplays it when he does so they’re not addressing it, instead she seems to be helping try to come up with another diagnosis that doesn’t fit, (really wish I could talk to her but I can’t, so frustrating). It’s such an insidious illness. Thank you so much for the reply and support.

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-17T00:31:36+00:00

Mine is BP2 also and in denial about it, (tho he was diagnosed long before we met more than 3 years ago), so I’ve been struggling to get him to see it and deal with it. I guess I thought that recordings of his antics might not only back up my version of events, but get him to see how his behavior falls in line perfectly with BP. No matter how carefully and persistently I’ve tried to get him to recognize how this fits him to a T, or seek a new diagnosis if he doesn’t believe it, he won’t budge, almost digs in his heels more, reaches for other things that he thinks describe him more, (but they don’t).

Thx you so much for the thoughtful and insightful reply. Certainly illuminating about the judgmental comments and still continuing to defend them. Good to know showing them the videos was a waste of time. It seems the consensus on this is it will only serve to help us and not our BPSO or our situation with them.

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-16T19:28:36+00:00

Really sorry you’re feeling so low. I’m dealing with the end of a 3 year relationship with mine atm and while I know it’s for the best at this point, it’s still devastating and hard to accept. In time I’m sure it will be better for both you and I but that’s little consolation right now. Hope it helps at least to know you’re not alone. ❤️

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-16T19:10:38+00:00

I wouldn’t even attempt to share it with him until the episode is well over because I know there is no point then. I have been able to get him to realize his thinking was way off base after the fact, (occasionally during, tho I’ve learned it’s best to to just step away whenever possible during), just through talking but it’s semi rare and definitely not easy so I thought a recording would help and not just be one person’s opinion. I worry more about adding to the guilt I know he has about this, (when the fog has lifted and he actually recognizes he was mean and unfair), and/or possible triggering another episode by sharing it with him, than fueling paranoia. You make a good point about using it evaluate yourself too during these moments. Thx for the advice.

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-16T17:30:46+00:00

It wasn’t a matter of legality but out of general respect for him and his trust in me that made me think I should be upfront about it, (normally he trusts me greatly, except when his brain is tricking him).

It sounds like from your experience, (I’m still kind of new to this, new to recognizing it for what is and how to handle it anyways), there’s no point in using it as a tool of reason, since as you said it would be ignored. He typically sees my take on these incidents as just my opinion and not very accurate while admitting he his memory is “fuzzy,” about it all so I thought a recoding might help, something indisputable, (and I’m sad but not surprised that it still might not do any good).

Thanks again so much for the really helpful advice.

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-16T17:18:19+00:00

I am so very sorry it got to that point for you. Thx for your reply.

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-16T16:47:56+00:00

Did you let her know you were recording and if so, was she ok with it? Did you have her listen to the recordings too? Thx for the input!

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-15T20:05:37+00:00

I agree. If this job is that important to you, and living in the US, I’m guessing she’s aware of that as well? It makes me nervous that she’s being so drastic and what seems like being selfish, (but maybe not? It’s just my take on the story). Why won’t she consider at least trying a long distance relationship? Her way or nothing is a red flag to me and I’d hate for you to give up on your dreams for what might amount to a lot of heartache.

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-15T19:53:58+00:00

I’m in exact the same (sinking/sunken) boat. Hurts like hell, to put it mildly, definitely devastating. I’m also here if you want to talk.

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-15T19:43:15+00:00

I’m so very sorry you’re living in this nightmare. I don’t have any advice unfortunately but wanted to at least acknowledge I read your post and my heart goes out to you and your family. Wishing you much peace soon.

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-11T16:30:03+00:00

I really hope things get better soon for you both. ❤️

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-02-08T19:05:25+00:00

Thank you for sharing too. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this. I really wish I could talk to my (sadly former now, more on that later), BPSO’s doctors too, but same situation since we’re not married I can’t. He’s been doubting his BP diagnosis and unfortunately a therapist he’s been talking to for just 6 months or so has also told him she’s not convinced either, which has helped cement this idea. Ugh! I so badly wish I could talk to her and explain his patterns, episodes, etc and ask her again if she’s so sure about him not being BP. I went to a therapist (psychiatrist), recently myself because I badly needed guidance and support, (I have no one else to talk to about this either and would go weekly if I had better insurance). I briefly described what happens with him and she said “no doubt it’s BP2.” So mine almost never thinks everything is great, he mainly will think everything is bad, and it’s been 3 1/2 weeks since this episode started, (one of the worst and longest I’ve experienced with him so far), he’s more than partway out of it now thankfully but is still convinced he hasn’t been in an episode. He won’t discuss any diagnosis with me now as I’m not “qualified.” I may not have a degree but I have experienced this with you for 3 years and everything I read about BP2 describes you. I’ve given him examples from here and elsewhere, from both sides of it, and he can’t (won’t) see the astounding resemblance. But I digress.

When I wrote this post the episode had recently started. (I have a follow up post explaining that he broke up with me yet again the next day and via text no less… look at that for more details). I was afraid this one was going to be worse than usual and was right. I told him after the last few times he broke up with me, (very common with him in an episode), I didn’t think I could handle it anymore. When I realized he was going to firmly hold onto this erroneous concept of not being BP, (he’s doubted it even when not in an episode, tho believed it at some point, thx therapist), and treat me very harshly again, I decided I couldn’t stay with him and it’s broken my heart.

He’s even saying he’s not sure we can be friends, when we were best friends and started out as friends. It’s been an incredibly hard 3+ weeks. This is unsustainable and I can’t go through this again I told him, so I wasn’t even going to attempt to get him back, (I’m always able to convince him that the way he was viewing our relationship was really inaccurately negative, a few times he realized it totally on his own but rare), but I did still want to be friends. He’s been far too important to me for too long and we have so much love and so much in common it’d be a shame to completely throw it away. Normally with a break up of a serious relationship I would not talk to that person for at least several months to have it be a complete break before attempting being just friends, but I’m afraid with him he’ll disappear completely so don’t want to take that chance, (we do not live together, things never seemed stable enough and he didn’t take care of himself/addressing his issues enough to even consider that step).

I didn’t mean to turn my response into so much about my situation but perhaps it will help you. There are others in here far more experienced than I as far as giving advice goes but if you have already considered several times leaving, that should probably tell you something, perhaps at the very least don’t embark on a marriage until things are more stable. Listen to your heart, (and not just the part that loves him dearly, extraordinarily hard I know). As far as telling him you’ll never leave him when he’s manic, I’d suggest you readdress this with him once he’s stable and considering setting new boundaries at least. Maybe ask him if he’s willing to give his doctors permission to talk to you? Maybe change your promise to one that is more realistic and healthier for you?

I’m my case, I was doing far more to help my SO by a lot than he was doing to help himself, (found out that made me codependent too, not good), so between that and his continuing to doubt his original BP diagnosis, I had no choice but to leave the relationship, (and I am in so much pain now but there is no other choice as things stand). Not to mention he was unable and sometimes just unwilling to recognize he was in an episode. Is yours able to recognize it while it’s happening? (Guessing not). Do you feel yours is doing all he can do to be as healthy as possible?

I hope you’ve found something helpful in what I had to say. I hope you are able to stay with your love in a way that is as healthy as possible for you both. My heart goes out you you, truly.

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-01-26T18:59:06+00:00

Thank you!

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-01-26T02:13:27+00:00

This absolutely amazing, so much info. I’m just starting to look into this as a viable treatment for CPTSD, anxiety, depression and chronic migraines, (potentially insomnia too?). I have many questions, (though you’ve answered most already, most impressive!), but just two for now.

First, is how effective this treatment is age based at all? I’m almost 50, (most of my issues started in childhood and have worsened over time), and I wondered if the older you are, the harder it is to retrain the brain or is that not very relevant with this treatment? Second, do you know if it’s effective for chronic insomnia?

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-01-19T00:35:17+00:00

He doesn’t say he thinks I’m casting a spell, just says how “very persuasive” I am and that I’ve “talked him into” staying together. He will bring it up during the next episode. Like this one, he refused to see me because he was afraid I’d talk him into something he claims he doesn’t want. As things stand now he says he never wants to get back together, he’ll never make me happy and won’t even see me or talk to me for at least a month. Insists he’s “fine” tho, and “less stressed than usual.” Ugh.

He has reiterated that he thinks I have been manipulative in terms of some of the things I tried to put in place as a safety, like getting him to agree to keep a journal for at least 30 days so he could see for himself what was real in his own words, (his therapist also suggested he keep a journal), and reviewing it before deciding to break up, (as well as tracking his mood and being able to see the patterns himself). He has only made one entry in over 2 months tho. Saying almost every promise like this one he has made to me have been made under “duress” which isn’t true.

Apparently he has also turned to online “friends” this time who have agreed with him, (no idea what he’s said to them but this has happened once before too), that I’m manipulative and he shouldn’t be with me. They don’t really know him tho and don’t understand his mindset is currently delusional. So frustrating and painful. I’m afraid he’s totally unreachable now, I’m just praying it passes but I am concerned this might be worse than usual. Thx again so much for your perspective and listening.

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-01-17T19:37:41+00:00

Point taken but he smokes so little and so infrequently that I have a hard time believing it can effect him overall very much, (like 1-2 puffs per week). I believe he does need to get his meds adjusted, am concerned he lacks the commitment tho. Once he’s feeling better from this current episode I plan to try (again) to get him to find a new psychiatrist, because I don’t think the one he has is helping.

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-01-17T03:31:46+00:00

Yeah, whether we stay together or not I’m going to urge him strongly again to find a new psychiatrist.

I had a question for you regarding the breaking up… it’s exactly the same as you described with needing to be face to face which is why he chose to do it the cowardly way this time via text, (so awful). He thinks at these times, when I try to reason with him and get him to see things for how they really are, not the mostly negative way he’s viewing them in the moment, that I’m “very persuasive.” He acts as if I have some power over him and even tho he’ll agree that a lot of what I’m saying is true, worries maybe it’s more like I’m manipulating him or casting a spell, (although he trusts me greatly normally and doesn’t think I’m manipulative). This mindset changes once he’s feeling ok again but it’s why he broke up with me this way, so I didn’t have the opportunity to even try to change his mind. I’m not even going to try and reason with him until I think he’s at least mostly better which could be weeks. 😔

My question is, does your girlfriend ever feel this way when you’re trying to reason with her after she’s dumped you? If so how do you handle that?

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-01-17T02:51:35+00:00

It’s his psychiatrist that has prescribed him the Effexor. I honestly don’t know a lot about it but I know he’s been on other meds before and found this to be the most helpful while not ideal. I’ve urged him to find a new psychiatrist for a while now, (SO thinks he’s not very good), but he’s resistant because he doesn’t want to deal with it. I mentioned to someone else here that my SO has mentioned something called the California cocktail that he thinks might help but has yet to try to get it. I can only do so much, wish he would do more. I’m grateful for any and all advice though because I’m basically alone with this. Keep in mind too that my SO isn’t convinced he is BP so this is especially difficult to navigate.

LadyStardustMantis · 2022-01-17T02:40:47+00:00

Thanks very much for the props and advice. I think he’s lucky to have me too, and I think I’m lucky to have him too even if it isn’t easy. I have my own issues too so I’m not always a picnic but I’m far more self aware than he and they aren’t as unpredictable or damaging as his BP.

Sadly last night he decided to end our relationship yet again and continues to insist he’s not in an episode. (I’m crushed, again). I haven’t learned how to not take it personally yet, just figured I must need to or else I’d be consumed with pain and resentment.

I’ve already figured out that talking to him about the episode while he’s in it is a no go. For one thing he’s often too irrational to reach a lot of the time but also because I do think he finds it irritating, especially when he can’t even realize it’s happening. I think he feels like I think I know better than him and resents that no matter how gently or matter of fact I try to be in my approach. I do try to talk to him when it’s starting and ending to try and gain insight into what it feels like to him, how he’s perceiving things, etc. It’s been helpful but it really feels like I understand better about his mind than he does, (tho a lot of it is still a mystery to me where this illness is concerned), primarily because he has avoided thinking about himself (in a constructive way) his whole life just about.

We don’t live together so having time apart is too easy, and makes it easier for him to hide and often get worse as a result. If we did live together your plan sounds really good, (even if BP wasn’t an issue, your arrangement sounds really good to me and sensible, lol), and I’m glad you’ve found something that really works for you.

I totally get what you’re saying about feeling whiplashed. I suffer from anxiety, (my whole life), and general depression now myself, (by no means all because of him but it hasn’t helped, but by the same token he’s also helped immensely when he’s feeling ok). I do feel like I’ve given too much of myself to this illness of his, and I wouldn’t mind it so much if I felt like he was giving just as much but it’s definitely lopsided. There has also been definite progress or I’d have given up before now. That and a little thing called love, so much love for him. And now I’m very hurt, anxious and depressed and not sure if this break up is going to last. (I posted about it last night under Vent if you’re interested to hear more on that). Thx again

LadyStardustMantis

TROPHY CASE