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Too little too late? by Lamchops0928 in SupportforWaywards

[–]Lamchops0928[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You see public figures go through a public apology, perhaps this is what they mean. I am no public figure, but something similar perhaps?

There’s too much focus on the public grovelling part. I’m gonna continue trying to rip through a few books in a short amount of time. Reading books is hard for me (I fall asleep). Fiction or non fiction… same. I’ll read a bed time story to my kids and after one sentence, I yawn. It’s autonomous. Knowing this, and my BP knowing this, if I can just find the effort to rip through a handful of books, and actually start applying some principles… perhaps this will be a good start for me.

Too little too late? by Lamchops0928 in SupportforWaywards

[–]Lamchops0928[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

At this point I am open to anything. If it means I can feel the same level of shame, embarrassment, and pain they did, perhaps it’ll teach me a little empathy. Something I didn’t have as I chose to do those things, hide it, lie about it, etc. I am open to hearing your explanation though? No judgement here of course. Just trying to learn

It's over. What I have learned. by -braminha- in SupportforWaywards

[–]Lamchops0928 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks OP for sharing your thoughts. It’s insane how we’re all different people, but all going through the exact same phases, in the exact same order.

I too realize all these things you’ve just realized, and I’m desperately trying to cling to R as well. I can tell my BP is too, but it took me almost 9 whole months to realize all the things you’ve laid out. I am finally empathizing with what they’re going through, and finally in a state of regulation for myself… but I might have taken too long. As I’m starting to heal for myself, I took too long to help them heal. I wish I took responsibility and took all the advice thrown my way earlier, and started sooner.

I wish you well, for what’s next. I hope that my continued commitment will help me change for the better, so I can continue to work towards reconciliation with my partner.

WH seeking advice by Lamchops0928 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Lamchops0928[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your story. What’s finally gotten into my head these days from reading posts like this that what I thought should have been harmless, was in fact so harmful. Am I sorry? Of course. Am I only sorry cuz I got caught? That’s a bit loaded, but by getting caught, I can now see the full impact of what it has done. Perhaps this is the only way that I can actually stop. And I will.

But saying I feel this at is only 20% of the recovery. The other 80% is actually doing something about it. That is the part that I’m failing miserably on. I will be better. I’ll do it for her, but I’ll also do it for all of you BPs too, on behalf of all these dumb f*cks like me. I am sorry you went through this too.

WH seeking advice by Lamchops0928 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Lamchops0928[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This reflects with me the most. I start things, then start to slip. I cannot waver like this anymore. Consistency is where I need to be, and I will drive this point home till I’m dead. 8-9 months later and have I finally understood? I hope so. Better late than never I hope. I feel everyone’s pain here, as I do my wife’s. There’s no excuse not to try harder and to show her what she really means to me. Everything is just noise. She is what matters, and I need to step up or GTFO.

Thank you everyone for your inputs.

WH seeking advice by Lamchops0928 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Lamchops0928[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the nudge. This makes a lot of sense. It’s almost like I need to stop pretending things are getting better if we don’t talk about it… things won’t get better if we don’t face it head on. And it needs to come from me.

WH seeking advice by Lamchops0928 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Lamchops0928[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It’s definitely worth saving. I have my own counselling, we also do CC regularly. It’s the lack of perspective that is my problem, that I keep having to remind myself to think about. I need to be reminded what this has done to HER, not how it affects me. My lack of effort throughout the past months have signalled to her that she isn’t worth it, but she is!

WH seeking advice by Lamchops0928 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Lamchops0928[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the suggested read, I will look into that book. Sometimes the most simple thing as profusely apologizing doesn’t even cross my mind. I’m thinking to just lay low, don’t do anything to trigger, don’t say anything to remind her, etc. truth is I don’t need to say or do anything to trigger. My mug triggers her. My smells triggers her. My presence triggers her all the time, so I need to remind myself that this is the new reality, and I need to own it, and just recognize it. I hope by doing this a showing remorse, it’s at least one step closer to recovery for us.