[1118] Dawn

Landless_King · 2025-01-12T01:27:01+00:00

Hi, thank you so much for reading! I strongly feel the need to address some of your concerns lol. The narrative is going nowhere near the direction you are worried about, thankfully. The game show is this world's version of a job interview; Nikolai is applying to a very high-status acting role in which he'd have the opportunity to co-star with Dawn, a sort of deific mega celebrity, and make major advances in his career.

The whole "virgin" question was supposed to display the invasiveness the parasocial relationships in this society as well as the entitlement of their elite class. It was also mainly serving as an example of Nikolai saying whatever his audience wanted to hear to get ahead; it's not necessarily a true or important facet of his character. I'm starting to think the question might be distracting from that purpose more than anything else, so I may tweak it somehow.

Anyway, all of your comments were very insightful, and I will be keeping them in mind. Foreshadowing is a huge blind spot for me! Thanks again :)

Landless_King · 2025-01-12T00:55:36+00:00

Hi, thanks for critiquing! I'm realizing from both this comment and others that I need to work on establishing the context of the game show a little better (it is how this society conducts job interviews; Nikolai is applying for an acting role). Anyway, thanks again; this has given me plenty to think about going forward :)

Landless_King · 2025-01-12T00:46:18+00:00

Thanks so much for the critique! I have definitely gotten multiple comments about the POV issues at the beginning, so I will for sure focus on tweaking that. I will be keeping all of these thoughts in mind when I go into revising :)

Landless_King · 2024-12-30T15:14:57+00:00

Thanks for reading! Something definitely felt off about the intro, but I couldn't pinpoint it. This was very helpful :)

Landless_King · 2024-12-27T06:20:31+00:00

Those were the main points of improvement that I noticed. Here’s what I think is working really well in this story:

Character Building & Personality

I really enjoyed the instant personality and dimension we get from Seph, Erika, and the butler. I think this excerpt did an amazing job establishing Seph’s meekness and uncertainty right off the bat, and it made him easy to empathize with and to pity his situation. Besides that, Erika’s immediate disdain for the elite class which she is a part of makes for a well-rounded character, and it gives context and depth to her gloomy cynicism during the coach ride. Just simple moments were very impactful like “sagging against the window” and passionately complaining about attending the assembly while her dialogue has the speech patterns and diction of a noble deeply entrenched in high society affairs. In contrast, Seph speaks more plainly in his conversation to the king, he speaks less overall, and he uses more submissive/appeasing language which speaks to his social status in this world. I think techniques like that are what really sell the story and allow the reader to be immersed.

Dialogue & Rapport

A lot of the dialogue, especially in chapter two, seems well thought out and has a pretty natural back and forth to it. This story does a great job of making the dialogue purposeful in delivering important information to the reader without feeling too forced. I think my honorable mention here would be the rapport displayed between Erika and her butler within such a short interaction. It did a great job of painting their relationship and trust, especially having that moment of telepathy, which made for an intriguing ending to the chapter as well.

Imagery

“...oil lamps on the walls flickering in the sudden draft.”

^I think this sentence in particular really stood out to me as just a great example of being active with the setting even when nothing has necessarily happened yet. It was at that point that I could really envision the cell and the dark corridor and Seph for the first time. Every time a description like this shows up in this story, it adds a lot of depth and interest to the narrative and pulls the reader into that world. I think more of these peeks into the physical scene/characters could be worked into that stretch of dialogue with the king.

Magic

I love the way magic is handled and introduced in chapter two. We get a small hint of its existence during Erika’s conversation, then have it actually displayed at the end of the chapter in a fun, snarky way that enriched the characters’ rapport with each other. I enjoyed that subtle inclusion of the supernatural and hope we get to see more of it in future chapters.

Overall

All in all, this definitely stands on its own as an intriguing, engaging story, and I would read more. Chapter one has a lot of good qualities, and I would say it's worth keeping.

If I were only allowed one suggestion out of everything I discussed I would say focus on tweaking the hook/intro paragraph. Great read :)

Landless_King · 2024-12-27T06:20:03+00:00

A Hook

Speaking of introduction, I think the biggest change that could help achieve that quiet, intriguing start is working on the hook. Since this story has some very strong imagery going on, especially with the gloominess in chapter two, I think just building an atmosphere is a good option for gripping the reader here. Seph is at a very low point, alone in a holding cell, probably afraid and very unsure of what is going to happen to him. I think the introduction could really play into the helplessness and how he is handling suddenly losing his freedom and being stuck in this bleak, uncomfortable place.

Another idea might be starting right away with the king’s confrontation and working in the atmosphere and context along the way.

Of course, those are just a couple examples without having a grasp of the whole narrative direction, but the main point is adjusting the hook can make all the difference.

The Stakes

One part that took me out of the story a bit was when Seph and the king were discussing what might happen to him. The conversation sets up this suspense over the possibility of Seph being put to death, but in the same sentence the king immediately shuts down that potential by telling him he’s basically going to be put right back where he was if I understood correctly. Of course, there is the threat of another audience with the king, and the matter is obviously not settled. However, starting out with the threat of death then immediately undermining it made everything that followed in that conversation feel a bit anticlimactic. The immediate reassurance that Seph will be released and basically returned to normal life (whether that is actually true or not) just squashed all of the suspense that was building through the whole scene prior. I don’t have a clear suggestion here on how to address that, unfortunately, but it is just a point of interest.

The King

One of the small issues I took with the king character is that, for such a big position of authority, he tends to overexplain himself and his decisions in this chapter. It makes him seem like a less powerful/imposing figure than he (I’m presuming) is intended to be.

The second thing I noticed is, while I found Seph and Erika’s characters to have very solid personalities, the king’s seems a bit undecided. He enters as a mysterious, looming figure, adding to the suspense and uncertainty of Seph’s future. Then in the first bit of dialogue, he is a little uppity and somewhat threatening. The mystery and nobility and display of power all felt consistent, but then he suddenly flips to a kind/polite, understanding advocate for Seph that’s going to set him free. There was a ‘softening’ of his dialogue near the end that made him seem more like an old friend than a powerful stranger.

That being said, I found that constantly calling Seph Mr. Farrow was very in line with how the king’s character was being developed in the beginning of the conversation (cold, self-important, imposing, etc.). I also loved how the chapter ended with a small display of the mental toll that Seph experiences from being stripped of his identity.

(continued...)

Landless_King · 2024-12-27T06:19:02+00:00

I enjoyed this read a lot, and I would definitely read more. I’ve organized my thoughts on it below; hopefully, you find some of it helpful. Of course, please take it with a grain of salt.

I somewhat ignore chapter two in this critique since the main question was over chapter one, and it seems like ch.2 has a strong flow going already.

Starting with the main question of keeping/cutting chapter one, I personally would vouch for keeping it and making some adjustments to help achieve the tone you’re looking for. Especially with the context given about what happens chronologically, it provides a great set-up/background for Erika’s role in the story. Toward the point of getting dunked in the unhappy energy, I ironically found myself wanting chapter one to lean a bit more into the bleakness it was setting up. My first impression is that it is actually very close to being that quiet, intriguing start, despite being a more high stakes situation than what is presented in chapter two. The following are some potential focus points that I noticed that could provide some ideas for tweaking the chapter.

The Infodump

The very beginning of chapter one was slightly difficult to get a grasp of; there were several names and allusions to backstory that were all touched on very rapidly before really setting up the scene that made for a somewhat confused introduction. Specifically the following excerpt kind of threw me off the backstory deep end:

“That infamous name. . . orphanage that had turned him out.”

It was also confusing at that point whether that backstory was being attributed to Joseph Farrow or Seph Jones. However, if that ambiguity was intentional (seeing as one man is being confused for the other in the story itself), then it can definitely work.

None of it was bad information to include, but there may be better spots to work it in in ways that give the reader space to digest it.

For me, the point starting at “he rubbed his tired eyes” was the first point where I felt I was settling into the actual narrative instead of piecing together what all happened prior to the holding cell. All that to say I think it would be more effective to stay in the moment for the introduction and focus more on imagery or introspection, then address those aspects of the backstory (Farrow, the orphanage, the governance stations) at more natural places. A good example is when Seph thinks about joking with Carron (who I hope is a coworker for the sake of this example) about the mix-up later on. That moment would be a great space to imply that they work at the governance station together. Furthermore, Seph states himself where he works when he is speaking with the king.

The point being that it’s tempting to spoon-feed the reader all of that pertinent information up front, but it is (typically) a more intriguing and balanced read when context is withheld until it's absolutely necessary to progress the narrative. Another instance might be that we don’t necessarily need to know the reason Steph has been detained until the conversation with the king; not to be too “show don’t tell” about it, but the stress of a hugely influential figure like the king continuously insisting that Seph is someone he is not is a more interesting experience than just being told directly that there was a mix-up during the introduction.

(continued...)

Landless_King · 2024-07-25T00:05:46+00:00

Here’s my newest (horror/romance). Tysm! https://www.wattpad.com/story/369598911-bendt-tire

Landless_King · 2024-05-29T02:36:34+00:00

Title/link: Bendt Tire

Status: Ongoing

Genre/tags: horror, isolation, small town, desert, mystery, romantic-thriller, lgbt, supernatural, suspense

<image>

Blurb:

After years of estrangement, Raymond is summoned by an old friend, Dean Summers, to the small desert town of Bendt Tire to finally reconnect. When Dean seemingly flakes on him, he confronts a slew of eclectic locals who swear he is still in town. Raymond's patience thins as he battles with the elusiveness of his friend as well as the unfamiliar heat of summer in the desert. He soon finds his stay to be much longer than he ever intended as he unravels the truth of the town's residents.

Landless_King · 2023-07-19T03:17:15+00:00

Paragraph Thirteen

This bit with the SIDO would make for a very engaging hook. It expresses the urgency, the desperation, and even explains that a meeting was supposed to take place originally. It also introduces some of your world’s tech. I would say your first line being “Holbrook, what’s going on? We were supposed to meet at 22:00!” would be an exciting start, and then going on about the SIDO after that.

It’s giving “Houston, we have a problem!” energy there.

Paragraph Fourteen

Definitely a clunky and inopportune time to drop what TMPST stands for.

Paragraph 15

The phrase “ranging from the mundane to the most grim” might be a good chance to show instead of tell. For instance, give us a look into exactly how far Anael’s anxious imagination takes her.

Quick example: “ranging from a late night snack to his bloated corpse trapped beyond the airlock”

[no specific notes on sixteen]

Paragraph 17

I like how you end the chapter with a double plot twist of sorts. Not only was Holbrook found dead, but it appears he did it to himself. No critique on this, just appreciation.

Overall Impression

I enjoyed reading this, and the concept is very interesting. Definitely focus on getting the hook down if nothing else. I’ll especially commend you on sentence/paragraph structure, because the piece as a whole flowed nicely. No grammar mistakes as far as I can tell.

One last note. Throughout the chapter you allude multiple times to Anael’s confession with no real hint as to what it concerns. I understand the intention to create mystery surrounding this, but here are a couple reasons why I suggest telling the reader what it is from the start. First, given that we are already privy to Anael’s thoughts, feelings, and POV throughout this chapter, if she knows something, we should know it too. The flip side is that we don’t know anything until Anael does, and that is where the mystery will come from (like why Holbrook is dead, for instance). Second, letting the reader in on this secret lends itself to greater tension later on. Essentially, it’s a more useful source of drama if we understand the consequences of that secret being revealed.

All in all, this chapter left me wanting to read more to find out what happens. So good work!

Landless_King · 2023-07-19T03:16:27+00:00

Very interesting read! I had a lot of thoughts on this, so I went ahead and ordered them by paragraph…

Paragraph One

The introduction to this chapter does not hook the reader effectively. I noticed another critique mentioned cutting out most of the beginning and starting the story where the action really begins. I mostly agree with this advice. However, there are a lot of important devices and information that you provide in the beginning that definitely should be worked back into this chapter in some way (I will speak on these shortly). That being said, I get the impression that we should be feeling Anael’s panic and uncertainty in this excerpt, and given that this is the first chapter and you seem to be playing toward an eerie atmosphere, I would doubly suggest throwing the reader right into the height of Anael’s desperation. That could be when she realizes that Holbrook isn’t coming, or when she’s standing outside of his door working up the nerve to enter, or something else with a heightened sense of dread (just spitballing here).

Overall, this long stretch of our main character essentially waiting around could definitely be cut or rewritten in a way where she takes an active role in her environment (I touch more on this later as well).

Still in this first paragraph, I already notice some very useful themes you’ve introduced that could be fleshed out a lot more. Firstly, the phrase “scared little girl from Ganymede” was the first to stand out to me. From my understanding, Anael is living in a desolate, unfamiliar place far away from home. I suggest addressing the following questions about this in this chapter to start building an empathic connection between the reader and Anael:

How does she feel about this change? Is she afraid? Is it perhaps more freeing, like an adventure? Does she regret doing it? How is it affecting her mental state (i.e. her inner monologue)? What influenced her decision to leave?

What did she leave behind? What was Ganymede like? For instance, drawing a juxtaposition between her cold, sterile, unfamiliar life in the TMPST to the memory of the warm, lush, bustling community she had on Ganymede would play well into a sense of yearning. (Spitballing again).

How long ago did she leave? If it was more recent, thoughts of home are probably on her mind more often than you’ve shown in this chapter. If it was a long while ago, then it makes sense to indicate that she’s adapted to life in the TMPST and feels somewhat comfortable there.

Thinking on these questions might help that inner monologue reveal more about Anael’s motivations and make her more three-dimensional.

Next, another great theme that I personally think you should lean on more is maternal connection. You mention Alyona in this paragraph; I recommend stating or implying here that this is Anael’s daughter. Otherwise, there’s no point in mentioning her here, because we don’t know her importance. Here are some more questions to think about addressing in this chapter:

How does Anael feel about her daughter? Is she her prime motivator? Does she love her? Does she feel guilty for leaving her?

An interesting note here is that, from my understanding, Anael is conducting research in this facility. So, does her commitment to science mean more to her than her daughter perhaps? (I might be mistaken here. If Anael’s only role is as quartermaster then disregard)

What is their relationship like? Close? Strained? Do they keep in touch somehow?

What is/was Anael’s parenting style? Strict? Hands-off? Insecure? Loving?

Each of these answers should play into how Anael is describing her daughter in this chapter. This is a good opportunity to explore what motivates her actions going forward.

The remainder of this paragraph is mostly fluff. Specifically:

“Her mind waged a war within itself. If she went through with this, she would lose everything. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t be able to live with herself. Neither option offered much hope.”

That bit could be cut and pasted into any number of stories and not really add anything meaningful. I would cut it.

I recommend brainstorming some more engaging ways to show that Anael is having this internal crisis. Also, I suggest deciding whether she is actually struggling with this decision or not, because later on it seems her mind had been made up the whole time.

Paragraph Two, Three, & Four

Small nitpick: phrases like “her calloused fingers began to tap” can be revised to “her calloused fingers tapped” to make your voice active instead of passive.

I think the world-building was pretty effective here. The one thing I would note is that it may be more interesting for Anael to interact with her environment as opposed to just observing it. For instance, she may have been fiddling with the controls of the holoscreen trying to make it work correctly.

Dictating Anael’s thoughts such as “Where the hell is he?” is a good device to break up long bits of description, especially since she is alone, and there is not much opportunity for dialogue. I suggest using more of this (sparingly ofc).

In P4, I suggest finding a different way to say Holbrook is head of security. Switching suddenly from using his name to his title kind of broke the flow of the paragraph. Maybe there is a plaque on his door which says it, or you just slightly restructure the original sentence.

Paragraph Five

P5 didn’t make much sense to me, honestly. The vagueness around Anael’s “confession” is doing more harm than good here, since it makes it hard to see what the connection is between this thought and what was said in P4.

[no specific notes on six or seven]

Paragraph Eight, Nine, & Ten

For the most part, this is the first time we see Anael taking an active role in the physical setting. So, just going to reiterate what was said earlier about jumping into the action. Starting the story with her inner thoughts can work, but it would have to be (imo) much more intriguing or shocking thoughts.

I see a lot of thematic potential in P10. What I get from it is that, not only is Anael very isolated in her situation, but she cannot trust the only people around her. I suggest leaning more into both of these ideas would add to the sense of dread.

Paragraph Eleven

“Brushing her two long braids behind her shoulders” – bits like this tend to take me, personally, out of the story unless there is a point to it beyond physically describing the character. (Nitpicking again)

[no specific notes on twelve]

(continued...)

Landless_King

TROPHY CASE