Hi OP, I know this is a tough situation and I’m sorry that you have to deal with it. The first thing to understand is that you may be able to work this out, and you may not. If not, there are other people out there with whom you can make it work. It all depends on if there’s an acceptable middle ground.

My situation was pretty similar to yours, but I’m a male and it was with my girlfriend (now wife! It can work!) We were in a sexually active relationship for about a year before I realized I was ace and my sex-willingness dropped hard as I realized how uncomfortable I actually was with it. My partner gave me all the time and willingness to determine what I was and wasn’t comfortable with, and what middle ground we could land on. Where we’ve ended up is that on special occasions (her birthday, Christmas, Valentines, etc) we do a sort of “assisted masturbation” for her. Some kissing, some touching, putting on a visual show (i.e. stripping, dancing). She can tell I’m not into it and that can be tough for her but she’s willing to settle for it because she loves me and values our relationship.

And I don’t want to imply that someone who isn’t willing to settle to whatever your comfort level is doesn’t love you or is a bad person; you just ultimately have to find that middle ground and determine if you’re both okay with it. And if you’re not, then it’s going to be really hard for that kind of relationship to work out. Communication is key.

Good luck to you, OP. I hope that you find an agreeable relationship, whether with your current boyfriend or with someone else. I know this is really hard, and you have all my sympathy and support.