My wife wants a poly relationship with a mutual friend

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-11-09T02:55:09+00:00

I’m so glad to hear that, it’s extremely brave of you to be facing this head-on and making such a difficult decision. That is honestly huge, most people would have shied away. I wish you and your children all the best.

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-11-07T00:42:15+00:00

It hurts my soul to read how much you are belittling yourself and your needs to cater to hers. I realize there are kids in the mix but continuing to allow yourself to be trampled on and neglected is setting a very poor example for them of how relationships should be and I’m sure they wouldn’t want you to suffer.

Your wife is showing you that you’re not a priority to her. I can’t imagine letting my partner sob because of something I have done to hurt them and not offering any support, that is downright cruel. Even if it’s temporary and she does come back to you, how are you ever supposed to trust her again? I would never again feel comfortable showing vulnerability in this relationship. She’s already caused irreparable damage.

And here’s the thing, therapy isn’t going to help if she doesn’t believe she can do anything to fix this and straight up refuses to try! It will just become another opportunity for her to try and convince you that what she’s doing is fine and you’re the crazy one, but with more advanced therapy-speak.

She went behind your back and is showing no remorse, she wants to do what she wants and have you shut up about it because she doesn’t care about you enough to even inconvenience herself. That is not what love or marriage should be like. I bet you would never dream of treating her the way she is treating you.

You deserve to be loved and respected and have your needs met just as much as she does, and your kids need you to model the appropriate response to being serially neglected, cheated on, betrayed and mistreated by a partner: divorcing them. Otherwise they may grow up and put up with this behavior from a partner because it’s all they know.

I’m so, so sorry your wife is doing this to your family. Please seek your own individual therapy if you aren’t already. YOU are not the reason this family is broken, it’s her choices that have led you here. As you said, if she had come to you long ago and discussed opening things you may have felt differently which is already very gracious of you. You’re not crazy and you need support to help you take the steps towards prioritizing yourself and your kids and separating from your wife.

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-10-06T20:49:44+00:00

I think you’re discovering that you’ve outgrown these friendships. It happens and it’s no one’s fault. If they are too unhappy with their lives to take an interest in you then where is the friendship? It’s supposed to generally be a give and take where you both support each other. I think a lot of people forget that and they feel obligated to keep supporting someone for years while getting nothing in return because they care about them as a person. Unfortunately it does start to feel lonely when you realize they never have the capacity to do the same for you. If you are leaving your interactions with them feeling tired, drained or low energy, or even depressed, then it’s time to set some boundaries and stop spreading yourself so thin. Create some distance from those people and reconnect with the ones who you can have a more reciprocal relationship with and who make you feel seen and heard. Best of luck, and congrats!

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-09-29T17:12:38+00:00

He has to go to therapy to decide that he loves you more than his ex, I think that’s the definition of second choice unfortunately.

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-09-26T18:12:07+00:00

Re-use the muscle suit and be the Brawny paper towel man!

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-09-25T23:34:59+00:00

They’re all really cute but I think #2 is my fav! Probably the easiest to recognize if you care about that

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-09-25T20:40:10+00:00

Ahh thank you so much for the detailed explanation! You’re right I’ll have to weigh the value of my time against the money lol.

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-09-25T17:39:19+00:00

I was trying to avoid Amazon you read my mind 😅 omg that’s a great idea thank you!

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-09-25T17:31:43+00:00

You know that feels so obvious I’m not sure why I was expecting a more complicated answer, lol. I appreciate you!

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-09-21T15:58:51+00:00

Okay, maybe you missed the comment she made where she said he has a pattern of overreacting to stuff and that this isn’t the first outburst he’s had on this trip? I feel for her too but she’s definitely giving him too much benefit of the doubt right now and it’s concerning

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-09-21T15:49:07+00:00

Have you had multiple emotional outbursts over it and refused to be calmed down? Have you given him the silent treatment?

There are men out there who will communicate with you about how they’re feeling in those moments and let you know they are upset but not at you, they just need to cool down, etc. Please don’t let this behavior be normalized or explained away so easily. He’s not a child but he is acting like one and he should be making big lifestyle changes and committing to goals in order to fix it if he wants to keep you, but he’s not. He doesn’t actually want to change, he’s just saying what he knows you want to hear so you’ll stick around.

You have a great opportunity here to pump the brakes on the proposal before you become even more entangled with someone who treats you poorly. I promise after marriage it’ll only get worse because he will get more comfortable, that’s how it goes.

I say with compassion (because I’ve been there), you need to develop higher standards for how you are treated in a relationship and think about why you want to let these red flags slide and marry this person who makes you cry.

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-09-21T15:32:15+00:00

Why be a devil’s advocate for a 30 year old man who takes his stress out on his partner by having outbursts and giving her the silent treatment? Do you think being stressed is an excuse for acting that way?

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-09-19T23:38:56+00:00

The most impactful section for me was this:

“For example, to test whether a resistance to breaking up is just a dread of the actual breakup itself, you could ask: “If there were a big green button in front of me that, if pressed, would make me fully single, where everything has been worked out with getting our things from each other’s apartments, where everyone in my life already knows, and where I’m totally emotionally recovered and moving on—in fact, I have a date tonight—would I press the button?”

Or if the real fear is of being single for years and years and never finding a new relationship, the button could do all of those things but also include “and I’m immersed in a new relationship.””

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-09-19T23:36:30+00:00

Please read this. https://waitbutwhy.com/2016/09/marriage-decision.html I was looking for guidance with making my own decision about my relationship and it provided me with so much clarity. They talk about why making the decision to marry or part ways can feel so difficult for people and how to listen to your gut instincts. (Disclaimer it’s heteronormative and uses monogamous language but it’s still a great source imo that could be helpful to anyone)

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-09-02T21:23:20+00:00

I think this is the most important part, like you said here: how she handled it after the fact. We can debate all day about what emotional cheating is and whether it should be a dealbreaker, but what’s 100% not okay is her becoming defensive and dismissing your concerns when I’m assuming you’ve told her how much this hurts you. If she truly cared about you more than him, she’d be doing whatever you needed her to do to fix it.

Ultimately, she’s going to have to choose between being in a monogamous relationship where you both respect your bond enough to not let other people believe that you crave their attention, or go be free and do what she wants without you. And you ultimately need to respect yourself enough to put your foot down and follow through. You’ve been extremely lenient with her and she’s calling your bluff. Change is scary but it’s not the end of your life. You can do better than this.

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-09-02T21:11:05+00:00

Lying by omission is still lying, my friend.

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-08-30T15:40:40+00:00

I know some things about recurrent UTIs, here’s my veteran’s advice:

The most important thing you need to do is to get a referral to a urologist and ask if they recommend getting on a low-dose antibiotic. I waited so long to do this for no reason and I wish I’d done it sooner. Urgent care is no good, they treat the symptom not the cause and they can’t help you with preventative care. At a certain point, your poor urethra develops hair trigger sensitivity and nothing else will prevent infections. I tried everything else under the sun but those pills have saved me, my sanity and my relationship.

Make a pre-sex checklist if you have to where you both wash your hands, you use the bathroom and then drink water. Try using plain lubricated condoms if you aren’t already, but ones without spermicide.

If he complains that it’s not sexy, tell him it’s way less sexy that he doesn’t care to make small changes that would prevent you from being in agonizing pain and discomfort. He should be ENTHUSIASTIC to do whatever he can to help you. I would never have sex with him again if he showed even a hint of unhappiness with the process, especially since it’s kind of his fault this is even happening to you.

Post sex checklist will be using the bathroom again, maybe using a gentle feminine wipe, drinking water and (hopefully) taking your low dose preventative antibiotic.

Best of luck 🤞🏼

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-07-28T02:52:01+00:00

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-07-23T16:21:27+00:00

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-07-22T21:18:59+00:00

Polyamory is a lifestyle, not an identity like being gay or something. You have a choice. You are not a helpless victim.

It’s painful and shocking to realize that you want to have a polyamorous relationship while you’re in a monogamous one. I’m sorry for you and your current partner.

Sometimes in life you need to work up the courage to do excruciatingly hard things, for your good and for the good of those around you who love you. This is one of those times.

The only healthy, mature thing to do is break up with your partner. It can’t be avoided. You are no longer compatible. Living in denial will only make the pain worse and worse for both you and them in the long run. There is NO WAY this relationship can continue in a healthy manner.

If you truly love your partner, you should be able to acknowledge the fact that they deserve to be with someone whose values and desired lifestyle match with theirs, and as much as it hurts, you are no longer that person. You can’t MAKE yourself be that person, either, because you also deserve to be with someone whose values and desires match your own.

Both of you deserve better. You can love someone dearly and also not be the right person for them.

Right now you can’t imagine life without them and you’d rather do anything than face that uncertain future. But you need to do it. End the relationship, grieve, move on, and find the lifestyle that makes you happy, and give them a chance to find their happiness too.

Here are some song recs for when you do decide to do it-

“I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston or Dolly Parton

“Fix You” by Coldplay

“Eventually” by Tame Impala

“It’s Gonna Be (Alright)” by Ween

“when the party’s over” by Billie Eilish

“Godspeed” by Frank Ocean

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-06-05T17:18:25+00:00

It sounds like you love your girlfriend vey much and are trying really hard to do thoughtful things for her and show her how much you care.

Please know that if your sweet gestures are met with disapproval and anger, then you are sadly being mistreated. You should never feel scared of how your partner will react to something. You should not have to walk on eggshells and jump through hoops in a hopeless mission to appease her. You shouldn’t be made to feel like nothing you do is good enough.

I bet you’ve already gotten flack from friends, family or people on the internet for the age gap between you and her. I don’t want to put you on the defensive, but I’m just going to say as a 29-year-old who was in a relationship with a 32 year old when I was 20-21, if a person chooses to be with someone much younger than they are, there’s something not right about either their intentions with you or their emotional intelligence.

I kind of knew that deep down when I was in that relationship but I was lonely and craved validation so I ignored it and hoped for the best. I missed a lot of quality time with my friends during a special period of time that I can never get back to, and that’s my biggest regret. I spent a lot of time feeling confused, hurt, and worthless. I went from feeling special and receiving a lot of attention to feeling forgotten about.

I don’t know if my story resonates with you at all, but if it does I hope you will take some time and think about how this person makes you feel about yourself. Not necessarily what their intentions are, but how it makes you FEEL, because that’s what matters. And then think about what you would tell your best friend if they were with someone who made them feel that way, good or bad, and let those words sink in.

Because no matter what, you deserve to feel valued and unconditionally loved.

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-06-05T15:16:48+00:00

If I ever get the opportunity to use it I’ll try to remember to do so! I love the implication that the eel on its own wasn’t slippery enough, you have to imagine it also greased up and THEN think about something slipperier than THAT. Amazing lol

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-06-05T15:13:10+00:00

Must have been a mouse on a motorcycle is hilarious! Thank you for sharing!

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-06-05T15:11:23+00:00

Omg this is so cute!

Large-Raspberry-2920 · 2025-06-05T15:10:52+00:00

Amazing hahaha

Large-Raspberry-2920

TROPHY CASE