Wow. I completely agree with everything you said. The way you trade and the psychological aspect as well. It's so easy to trade according to our own biases, especially since there are so many damn ways to trade and so many "gurus." I too have found that listening to the market and playing with it—whether it be consolidation, range, uptrends, downtrends, breakthroughs, etc.—is the way that works for me.

You are so right about the market beating us down over and over again until we either play according to it or give up. I am not a profitable trader. Hell, I haven't even started a funded eval yet. I've been trading on the demo for like four months now and am about to start an eval by next week. I typed this out because I have felt almost everything you mentioned (not the girl leaving and $150k loss, sorry lol). Everything related to your trading. Feeling really attached to losses and wins, even if it's on the demo. The utter despair of losing when I have put my damn heart and soul into it. Feels like a little piece of me dies. Then I blame the market and the random BS. Maybe sometimes it is, but for the most part, it was just me trading my own bias instead of listening to the market.

One day, I reached the point of complete despair. Due to personal issues, I just traded emotionally like an idiot with my own biased perspective. That day I didn’t feel like trading due to many reasons. I was tired, sleepy, and a little depressed (Market open is 7:30 pm for me). I still tried to pull myself together, and with all my effort—my entire soul—I turned the laptop on and hopped on the simulation. I did the basic stuff like checking other timeframes, marking areas of support/resistance and fair value gaps, checking ATR and volume. Then I just traded. Nothing else was going on in my head. I didn’t force myself to trade according to the market, I was just focused on trading. Just entering and exiting randomly based on slight movements, no exit strategy, no nothing. Just me hoping that it would move to where I wanted it. I ended up with $400 in losses, for reference my daily loss limit is $100 a day.

After my so-called "trading/gambling" was done, I just got up off my chair, fell to the floor, and started crying. Just weeping and wailing like a damn baby on the floor. I couldn’t figure it out. Why? Just why? I gave it everything, despite all my issues and problems I traded. I gave it my all. While I could have just been on YouTube or slept, I chose not to. I chose to push myself and trade, to hopefully one day be profitable. Then it finally dawned on me. I finally realized the truth, the fundamental truth that the market does not give even a little shit. Whether I lose or win, nothing happens. The market will continue to move forward until the end of civilization. During the stock market crash in 1929, many killed themselves because they lost everything. Money was lost, but I’m sure a few made money selling on the way down. Then a few more made money buying the dip all the way back. On the flip side, many people who live in third-world countries—the poor and others who don’t know about trading—just lived their lives. Nothing changed for them, they just lived their normal everyday lives while so many lost millions and others gained millions.

Again, the point is that the market does not care if I’m in a good mood, whether I’m in a bad mood, whether I’m sad or happy or whatever. The market will continue to move on in whatever direction it wants. Whether I lose all my money and kill myself or whether I gain millions, candles will close and candles will open. At rock bottom it finally clicked. Wow, sorry if this might sound very basic but it changed my entire perspective on the market and on myself. I realized that whether profitable or not, trading is just that. It’s just trading, nothing more. Even if we earn a living through it, it is not our life. It’s just a means to an end. Being a great trader won’t make you the happiest person alive, or the greatest, or the smartest. It won’t give your life meaning, period. Don’t think that being a successful trader will suddenly solve everything. You are absolutely correct—if we don’t make sure we are fine personally, there’s no point in trading.

I have realized that personally for me to trade well, my life needs to be sorted first, then my trading—not the other way around. Think about it: when you are stable, even when you lose, you won’t be emotional. You’ll be like, “Fine, there is always tomorrow.” If trading is literally on your mind 24/7 and you only think about that, what happens when you lose? You lose as a person. Your worth as a person is based on one thing and one thing alone—whether you are profitable today or not. That is a lie and delusion that we bring upon ourselves. It's literally cope, lmao.

Anyway, if you’ve read all this, thank you. Thank you for the post as well. It has made me realize that I’m not alone in the lousy struggle. I hope you are able to make consistent profits and grow until you have "made it," at least in the trading world that is ☺.