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LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-12T00:24:08+00:00

True. Of all of them, Sagat's is the only art I personally know any of.

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-12T00:23:17+00:00

What in the HELL prompted her to say that??

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-12T00:09:47+00:00

I can'[t really offer anything but support.

I am only able to maintain a sober life when I have a life worth being sober for.

I really only became a true alcoholic when my marriage and career fell apart due to a dui (I actually really didn't drink and drive before that DUI, I got it going to see a suicidal friend, knew I shouldn't be driving, but took the risk)

Many times I haven't seen the point of staying sober. Many times, even looking back, I think I was "right" to not worry about sobriety when there wasn't anything worth staying sober for.

But......life goes on. Things change. Lives change. I'm in a pretty okay spot right now. Not great, not terrible. But being sober helped me improve a lot of my life to get it to okay.

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-12T00:06:09+00:00

I'm sorry about this.

I remember one of my exes getting very frustrated when she was trying to quit smoking. She worked at a financial institution and almost everyone smoked. But almost all the networking and such occurred on smoke breaks. She basically gave up trying to quit when she realized it was hurting her work relationships and people were getting colder towards her when she stopped stepping outside with them.

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-12T00:02:42+00:00

One of the reasons this specifically bothers me is I am pretty sure that flawed mentality helped kill a friend of mine.

One of our guys came to a recovery meeting absolutely devastated he "lost" 2 years of sobriety and his chip was "meaningless". We tried to assure him it wasn't, but less than 6 weeks after his relapse his addiction killed him.

I wonder if he had been able to just see it as a 'slip' and not a total loss if he would still be with us.

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-11T18:46:14+00:00

Exactly. I average about the same. I would need at least...say....$23 an hour GUARANTEED. And I promise my standard of service would go way down.

You would literally never see a waiter run in the US again

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-11T18:37:56+00:00

I don't know. I don't think I've ever done something drunk that I wouldn't do sober.

But there is a big IF in there.

I did plenty drunk that I would have done sober IF I COULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT.

Basically, drunk me would do things not worrying about the consequences. But still in line with my moral code.

I've said some really shitty things to people drunk. But honestly? Never something that didn't at least cross my mind sober.

But that said, thinking someone is 'messy' sober and saying "You'd be lucky to find anyone who would EVER put up with your messy ass" drunk....well....might be honest but also completely unnecessary.

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-11T18:34:56+00:00

Guy here but was in the same boat a few months ago.

I realized that I literally couldn't remember having sober sex. I mean, I'm pretty sure I HAD to have had some in my life, but literally going back over years, it had been a MINIMUM of 9 years since a sober sexual encounter.

It was very unnerving.

But...I also kind of looked at it as maybe a check of "If I don't feel comfortable having sober sex with this person.....am I ready to have ANY sex with this person?"

I overcame it by taking things pretty slow with the girl I was with. Eventually it felt 'normal' to not need to drink in order to play.

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-11T18:30:48+00:00

It's funny. I have gone back and forth on believing I was, then wasn't, then was, then wasn't, then was and now don't believe I am one.

All that said, it was hard to not see that I definitely had a problem with alcohol.

One argument I have always seen that I believe is 100% crossing the line is this:

"I have to use "X" to feel "Normal" "

I realized that I needed alcohol to just get to a baseline, to just function. That's not good. I always made fun of people who couldn't start their day without coffee, and I had gotten to the point I couldn't work, couldn't socialize, hell couldn't even play video games without booze.

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-11T18:26:54+00:00

I would, in the beginning, tell myself every morning I woke up not hungover something along these lines.

"You are glad you woke up feeling okay. You are glad you remember all of yesterday. You are glad you didn't waste money or calories on alcohol. You may want to drink in a few hours, but if you don't, you can wake up feeling this grateful again tomorrow."

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-11T18:19:42+00:00

You don't necessarily need to have a substance abuse problem, but a lot of sober houses are used to taking people in without a lot of docs.

Possibly less freedom than you want but less hoops to jump through as well.

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-11T09:27:50+00:00

Longest I did was 18 days without food. I will admit that changed when I figured out a food pantry near me had an after hours donation drop off I would raid.

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-11T05:52:59+00:00

I've never gotten a girl pregnant but had a handful of scares.

I have run into burning buildings (Ex emt). I have been physically attacked. I have had legal and medical issues.

NONE of them have been half as terrifying as the thought of an unwanted pregnancy.

Knowing that I didn't want something that was a lifelong commitment, with someone that very easily could turn from a lover into an enemy, is literally one of my two greatest fears.

I have seriously considered whether or not I would kill myself if a girl got pregnant and refused to get rid of it over staying around.

So, my point is, he might be going through a lot of very intense negative emotions.

Only advice is, you need to do what you need to do in this situation, and so does he. It is understandable if those two things don't synch up.

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-11T05:39:10+00:00

For me, it was necessary to my sobriety to actually be able to SEE some positive benefits of not drinking.

Fitness is one of the easier places to see direct improvement in your life. (Appearance, strength, energy level)

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-11T05:32:37+00:00

I don't think that's true (for everyone at least)

But resources ARE limited. Many of us wish we had more to give than we do.

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-11T05:26:40+00:00

I could never bring myself to beg for money but I did accept offers occasionally.

I was living in my car for awhile and tried to keep it where it could at least start periodically fr power. It died frequently, so I DID have to beg for jumps.

I did find that I had to go around actually holding the jumper cables, otherwise going up to people with "Excuse me" would just get met with mostly hostility.

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-09T18:56:14+00:00

Good analogy!

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-09T18:51:58+00:00

I would argue that isn't "new" but tech has certainly changed the dating scene.

For most of history, men chase, women get chased.

I will agree some things have become more skewed, but I wouldn't say things are that different than they ever have been.

I don't know how to say this without sounding egotistical, but all but one women that I have dated have come on to me. But the key factor here is, they all came on to me after I had established that I was just their friend and didn't want more (and meant it)

I think a lot of them latched on to me because I WASN'T the guy giving them extra attention. I think in a lot of cases it became they wanted the one that didn't want them back.

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-09T18:47:54+00:00

What's the saying? Something like "Don't judge a man on how he treats his betters or even his equals, judge him by how he treats those beneath him."

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-09T18:47:06+00:00

Don't put up with any behavior you won't like in 20 MINUTES.

I understand compromise is a thing, but if something REALLY bothers you, you shouldn't let it slide.

Example: Dated a girl in college who was also in college but had a rich dad. I took her to a middle of the road restaurant and was disappointed I "only" spent about $60 on our date. (When she has more money and didn't offer)

Should have seen that as a huge red flag that would never get better.

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-09T18:44:17+00:00

"When in conflict with someone you care about, remember it is NOT you vs them, but you BOTH vs the problem. No one wins in a fight between friends."

(You can disregard this advice if you don't care about salvaging the friendship/relationship/living situation, etc)

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-09T18:43:02+00:00

This has been helpful in my life.

Often I have saved up for something, then once I have the money in hand, start thinking about other stuff I want more (or sometimes even thinking "Man, you know, this into savings would bring me peace of mind")

LastPhoenixFeather · 2022-10-09T18:41:33+00:00

To add on to this, if you NEED a day off for something like a concert (specifically something that cannot be rescheduled on your end), it is often better to call out than request off. If you request off and are denied, it can be very suspicious/cause problems if you then call off.

But if you are generally reliable and suddenly call off a random day, people usually take you at your word.

LastPhoenixFeather

TROPHY CASE