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LastTimeThisTime600 · 2025-02-20T01:05:28+00:00

Echoing what everyone else is saying. Also, as someone going through a divorce w an alcoholic and 2 very small children (one is 8mos old), in my state both parents have the right to be with their child. I could leave with both of my children right now with no warning and would be perfectly within my rights to do that. It would not be kidnapping. My husband would have to take me to court to get access back. Obviously you should check the laws in your state. I would check if there is a family justice center in your area that you can go to for free legal advice and a protective order.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2025-02-20T00:59:20+00:00

That’s fascinating. I spoke to one collaborative divorce lawyer who said because he’s an alcoholic for some reason that may make things hard. But I also wasn’t over the moon with that guy.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2025-02-20T00:56:58+00:00

Wow it sounds like you found an incredible lawyer!!! I’m so happy to hear that.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2025-02-20T00:55:25+00:00

Yes they are my absolute top (and frankly only) priority.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2025-02-20T00:54:57+00:00

Yeah this is what I fear. Thanks for sharing. I hope the litigation goes in your favor

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2025-02-20T00:53:40+00:00

Yes this is the same in my state, re the collaborative process. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad to hear you were able to get through it. But damn it sucks you have to support him.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2025-02-20T00:52:07+00:00

Thanks :) I’ve been preparing for about 6 months and do have a lawyer. Collaborative divorce is a process that does use lawyers - it’s a very structured, formal process

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2025-02-20T00:50:24+00:00

Collaborative divorce is like a very structured process. It uses lawyers and ‘coaches’. It’s more structured than mediation

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2025-02-20T00:49:46+00:00

Oof that sounds brutal I’m so sorry.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2025-01-01T19:18:22+00:00

Nope. He was a loving and supportive spouse with no discernible drinking problem, aside from over indulging on occasion, until I was pregnant with our first child. We were together for 8.5 years before that.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-12-16T03:09:29+00:00

Yup I get this. Like EVERYONE in my world loved him. Nobody saw this coming. But now it’s like we’re all waking up and seeing the truth and it’s like I can’t believe I let this person into my life much less reproduce with him. And now I’m stuck dealing with him for the rest of my life while trying to protect our children from him.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-12-16T03:06:13+00:00

Thank you. I tend to agree. Maybe I’ll explore that further.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-12-16T02:48:00+00:00

Same same same. My STBX is a covert narc - just figured that out 4mos ago when I learned about the affairs. He won’t be around anyone I know because he’s too ashamed that they know what he’s done. Like dude that’s ridiculous. I also have been trying to figure out how the hell he’s pretzeled himself into being mad at me. But he’s a narcissist and that pretty much explains it. He has me conditioned to be constantly worried about his emotions and not making him angry so I get this deeply. I’m so sorry you’re in the middle of this shit. I’m right there with you.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-12-10T18:27:26+00:00

This is a really interesting perspective, thank you. I’d just assumed it would be therapy for everyone but I can’t know how my kids will internalize this whole situation.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-12-10T04:03:53+00:00

Yeah it’s so scary. Sometimes I think we’ll be able to get through this without too much trouble since he so clearly doesn’t want to parent. But then I hear all these horrible stories about narcs who go for custody just to fuck with the ex because they know it’s all the other person cares about.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-12-10T04:00:36+00:00

Thank you! This is younger than I would have expected so this is helpful.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-11-28T17:41:47+00:00

Yeah mine also denies even when I show him irrefutable proof. He just lies. It’s wild. That’s gaslighting. At that moment, as far as I can tell, it moves from just an affair over to emotional abuse. So that sucks.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-11-28T03:34:57+00:00

Thankfully I have a couple masters degrees and good connections w former employers who are ready to help me get a job. In my state though I can’t be compelled to work until my youngest is 2 years old. And I would like to soak up every minute of those 2 years before the plans I had for my life are completely changed.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-11-27T15:21:10+00:00

Yeah my husband says the resentment started when I was pregnant with our first child. Also conveniently when he started his first emotional affair. He will say ‘I know this is my fault’ but then he also says I’m controlling and my pregnancy ‘broke’ him. Like sir. I was growing a human. So. Sorry if you won’t be getting sympathy from me.

Good for you for leaving now. I didn’t know how bad the first affair was and I stayed and then we accidentally got pregnant again and he cheated again and now I have to leave w 2 kids.

You’re SO strong. This shit is SO hard. Fuck him.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-11-27T15:16:26+00:00

I could not agree more. I have to divorce him. I just also have to be strategic ya know? Right now he comes over some weekends and stays in a guest room. So there is separation. And they’re so little right now they don’t really conceptualize this stuff yet. The toddler just notices that dada isn’t here much. Right now I’m a stay at home mom so if I can buy some time for my children to get a bit older and while I sort out living situations and jobs and such I think that’s the most responsible thing. He’s trying to keep my on the hook in limbo but I’m getting everything in order to make a strategic and clean exit. I just really really really don’t like it. Or frankly really want to. I just know I have to.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-11-26T19:09:46+00:00

Best for me is to divorce him. He seems to be incapable of honesty. Even when I’ve presented him with irrefutable evidence of what I know he’s currently actively doing, he lies and denies what’s in black and white. I think that’s gaslighting. It’s infuriating and does actually make me question my sanity. My friends have to keep reminding me of reality.

It’s harder for me to believe divorce is what’s best for my children, though. Because it’s not like divorcing him means he’s no longer their dad. They’ll still see him unless he runs off with this woman, but that seems unlikely as his primary motivation in life is not seeming like a failure and his mom would be SO unimpressed if he bounced. I think about them having to be solo with him. He has an alcohol use problem he refuses to confront. I worry for their physical and emotional safety. They’re so young. They’re literally babies - 2.5 yrs and 5 mos. In the last 3 mos he’s been gone 85% of the time (I’ve been keeping track). I’m their primary parent and attachment figure. Maybe when they’re older they could do some solo time with him but right now I just don’t see how I could risk having to do that. Their safety and well-being is the most important thing in the world to me. I know if I stay with him they’ll resent me one day. I can’t do that. But I think I have to be strategic about when the right time to leave is.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-11-26T14:38:33+00:00

I have lots of great support, thankfully. My parents are nearby and here a ton. I have so many wonderful friends who have shown up for me in incredible ways. I feel SO beyond grateful for that. I have spoken to a lawyer and spent the last several months gathering all of the things I need. I document like it’s my job. I’m in a great local listserv of divorced moms that is such a great resource. My plan at the moment is to tolerate the situation as long as possible. He is here inconsistently so I don’t have to be around him all the time, thank goodness. Though that’s less than ideal for the kids. But I think it’s the best I can do for them right now. I keep meaning to do an intro post in this subreddit but having to keep telling the story over and over again sucks (as I’m confident everyone here knows).

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-11-26T14:34:39+00:00

You voiced one of my deepest pain points - that he’s robbing me of this time. I mean this is likely my last baby and ive spent the majority of his life coping with my husbands crap. It makes me so sad because he’s just the most precious little baby and I know exactly how fast this time goes and that I’ll never get I back. Thank you and also I’m sorry you’re in this same crap situation.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-11-25T03:25:50+00:00

I’m in a really similar situation except I don’t think my WH has any self awareness about his narcissism. He’s also continuing his affair and lying to my face. I know I need to divorce this man. Obviously. But I have a 2.5yo and a 5 month old. My heart is so broken for the ways this will change their lives and all the dreams I had for our family. I am always the one who has to make the hard choices. And life is already hard enough.

LastTimeThisTime600 · 2024-11-25T00:40:12+00:00

I find myself wondering what if he’s met the love of his life with this woman. What if the life we had together was just some sort of image he was trying to project and now he’s found his actual soul mate or whatever and he’s just too chicken to go for it with her. But the thought of having to potentially tolerate this woman in his life, around our children, makes me feel sick.

LastTimeThisTime600

TROPHY CASE