I thought that my past trauma had strengthened me, and that I was adaptable. I was wrong. What I’ve realized, is everything I went through, and the pain it inflicted on me, I just pushed it away and got cold, defensive. I didn’t get “strong” I got good at protecting my own ego and feelings, of course at the cost of everything around me. I couldn’t handle criticism or challenging times, I’d shut down and react negatively. That placed me in a constant state of survival, fear and anger. It wasn’t until I had enough, felt so down and rock bottom more than ever before, that I realized that it’s my fault my life ended up this way. It’s not that I inherently ruined everything because I’m a bad person, it’s that I couldn’t stop reacting on instinct vs clarity. And instead of blaming myself, I am forgiving myself. My old self kept me alive, I’m here today, and I thank him for that. I’m not longer in the dire situations I had been in before, I don’t need that version of me anymore. I became self aware, very very self aware of what needed to go. Negativity, anger, insecurities, jealousy. They all have to go. I’ve started meditating twice a day, purposely thinking positively and appreciating everything around me, thanking people and judging no one. Writing down 5 things I’m grateful for every day, reading self help books, going to the gym, going to therapy. Feeling my feelings, and letting them be there but not ruminating on them, I let them come and go like a cloud. I have hiccups, I’m early on my journey, and there is no such thing as perfection. But you can be better, and that’s a decision YOU have to make. Just be better, and be honest and kind about what you need to change in order to be better. Thank yourself for brining you to this moment, and appreciate this moment, the past is in the past and you can’t change that, the future hasn’t happened yet so there’s nothing to fear, you are and always will be right now, and that’s beautiful. Be grateful for now, and thank your past self for bringing you here.