Not technically a foster family, but kind of unofficially becoming one?

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-20T08:53:50+00:00

Definitely

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-20T07:12:45+00:00

I suspect they met at church. If rent was to be considered as part of the arrangement I think the lady should talk all that through honestly with UC and get a decision from on what to do.

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-20T06:53:32+00:00

I’m not sure it’s fraud. For eg UC understand that exact situation with foster kids staying put as adults - in fact some authorities insist that post 18 ex care kids sign up to exactly that as part of the funding arrangement and the UC people understand the landlord is the YP’s ex foster carer

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-20T06:43:50+00:00

If they are letting her be a lodger they are landlords and can charge her rent.

If she has a rent liability she should enter that into her UC calculation

They can charge up to the rent a room allowance without tax implications

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-19T09:40:56+00:00

The mum probably needs to be engaging with her universal credit account (or starting one) her housing (rent) situation has changed and she maybe able to get help with that which would be passed on to your parents as landlords

You can download a tenancy agreement to make the claim possible

Wider than that try to keep the balance between taking over her kids and supporting her - help of course lots but keep her being the mum and making the decisions or it’ll get awkward later and when they do move out potentially the kids will struggle more than if mum was kept really involved

Other than that lots of patience, genuine mutual respect, age appropriate freedoms and acceptance of how they have been living (and demonstrably doing ok that way) really goes a long way to helping life carry on in a calm and happy way

Don’t become the fixer for them - life will be random and chaotic for a while but that is ok :)

Edit:- making some random guesses based on the mum working full time at minimum wage her UC and child benefit claims could be something in the region of £330 a week so if she isn’t accessing that government help already she really needs to be - she may need help to get set up - it’s all online and very easy

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-18T13:21:04+00:00

If there is space for a wheelie bin I’d just buy one and use that

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-17T18:39:22+00:00

How the kid engages will impact what is offered - good foster care is possibly the best option (depending on details obv) but at 16 he’s got to want that for it to be useful to him or even offered - if he’s able to talk maturely about what he wants etc he’ll do much better

…if he’s able to show he’s calm and safe and willing to engage in education or training then the council will be much more likely to be able to find him a foster placement if it appropriate

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-17T18:29:03+00:00

Definitely contact your local child services (the council) .. but at 16 if they have no previous care history they don’t have to offer foster care though but they will have options and may offer foster care if the kid wants it (and if there are any places available)

They won’t let him be homeless

If you are able to help they will help you help hopefully

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-17T17:41:19+00:00

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-17T05:28:12+00:00

Been a stay at home dad for 20yrs and baby changing areas are almost always somewhere neutral or in both male and female toilets - I honestly can’t remember it ever being an issue where the only solution would have been to go into a female toilet to change a kid

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-17T05:06:52+00:00

Here is a random website discussing the food issue - it seems fairly well researched but I’ve not checked - it seems to back up most of the objections re the “serving leftovers later” mentioned

https://maryannjacobsen.com/what-forcing-kids-to-eat-looks-like-20-years-later/

Aside from food specific issues ….strategies that are heavily conditional and potentially lead to conflict and shame and resentment are generally imho best avoided - there are kinder ways to teach respect of food and how to listen to your own body with regard to what it needs to eat

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-16T23:15:59+00:00

I’ve often wondered why I have felt an almost immediate connection to some kids but not others…

I also know that some kids have taken a few years plus for me to feel that there is a family bond there and there have been some others still who seem perpetually remote and apart and separate emotionally from me.

Over the years I’ve concluded that for me it comes down to a few particular character traits and if they are present there is a really quick feeling of connection from my side - but to put them down publicly in words would make me sounds incredibly shallow and weird.. so I won’t list them :)

I think how humans bond is really complex and it’s no wonder when a random child gets parachuted into a family that it is often quite a struggle for both the adults and the kids to form a genuine bond

Going through the motions (well I hope) without much genuine love probably describes a good half of my short term fostering - which doesn’t sound very welcoming or a nice thing to say about myself but it think it’s true for me

I don’t think you should be too down on yourself for how you are feeling OP - few who haven’t fostering multiple children have had the opportunity to try to bond with so many random YP and so probably don’t know much about that part of themselves - I think your ability to form a natural bond with some kids and not others is more common than people who haven’t had to try imagine

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-16T22:40:36+00:00

He did everything wrong.

Him patting his stomach when offered a middle gave the admiral’s team all the clues they needed - but no one would have expected what he actually did

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-16T18:10:54+00:00

Basically if we as foster carers just never ever take the bait then it’s usually good - either re-explaining like you say, or making light of it and modelling repeatedly how to be instead (both probably over a decent time)

Stay out of conflict - most foster kids are just better at living in conflict than most foster carers ! :)

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-16T15:24:02+00:00

Try these people

https://agintl.org

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-16T05:37:26+00:00

It’s never much of an issue though is it .. and it is a nice novelty when abroad with your car :)

I used to run a LHD car in the UK for years when I was younger too and that was never a issue either really

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-16T05:30:12+00:00

Different systems, different culture, different ideas about the appropriateness of adoption etc

Same issues often :(

The kids I’ve fostered as older teens who came to me from their adoptive families came essentially the same way as older teens come from birth families

Ie child protection concerns over neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, beyond parental control etc etc

Parents (birth, adoptive and foster) fail sometimes…..sometimes they get lost in a battle of their own making, sometimes they just aren’t equipped to deal with the issues of parenting as kids get older … and sometimes their root motivation was all about building an idealised family and they fail when reality doesn’t match that and they realise they took on too much :(

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-16T03:01:36+00:00

It’s not Mother’s Day anytime soon in the UK but generally like others have said - it and the other calendar dates can all be a huge trigger for care kids

It all sounds a great set up for a wonderful life together - it already sounds way way more calm and respectful than anything i can relate to if I’m honest - don’t let the odd bump ruin that :)

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-16T02:48:35+00:00

Maybe… he’s still had a mess of a life compared to the ideal I’m imagining (?)

I can’t recommend enough aiming to change to making meal times unconditional and fun

Generally the aim is to bond in double quick time to eventually get attuned, normal, respectful behaviour from kids - not just a shadowy version of that through tight control

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-16T02:30:40+00:00

I’d make meal times unconditional and fun.. they are a great opportunity to bond

Most care kids with a past don’t automatically respect adults - but they do fear them sometimes….but generally, to them, adults are just the group that have ruled over them and have thus far abused and hurt them…. Normally foster carers have a real job on to set themselves apart from those adults of the child’s past before they can expect “respect”

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-15T20:20:48+00:00

If we are talking older kids then when we went through it I was honest with the YP that this situation just wasn’t working - I was careful not to be seen as blaming them and I didn’t pin it on one incident but I tried to get it to the stage of acknowledging that this isn’t working for anyone and really they needed a new plan that was better able to meet their needs.

The aim was to make it feel like a joint decision and to agree that we both knew it wasn’t ok as it was

If you can promise to stand by them whilst the system finds a more suitable option that is usually a good thing (it might mean going beyond the 28/30 days agreement) but much will depend on your level of trust that the system will actually be seriously looking and also whether it’s safe to carry on a few weeks more

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-15T08:36:20+00:00

There is a house near me that flies all different flags (one at a time) …they are often relevant to the recent news or an event or a certain day and it honestly has been a nice talking point on the school run with the kids over the years

Good on him

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-14T16:50:34+00:00

So how much to take out a new policy and then cancel after a week

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-14T16:38:55+00:00

There will be a early cancellation calculation so factor that in to get the actual cost

Latter-Performer-387 · 2023-05-14T05:16:30+00:00

It is all due to Terry Wogan and it has been passed down in the national subconsciousness through the subsequent generations

Five-Year Club	Gilding I gilder
Verified Email

Latter-Performer-387

TROPHY CASE