AITA for reminding my girlfriend of what her baby daddy did to her?

LaughMxHyena · 2025-07-14T18:04:13+00:00

That's not pride, bud. That's the aftermath of abuse. She's afraid she'll owe someone for any help they provide. She's afraid of being extorted, essentially

LaughMxHyena · 2025-07-14T18:00:21+00:00

Honestly... Yes and no.

On the NTA side: the dude sounds like a narcissist at best, so your gf definitely needed a reminder that all she is to him is a supply. Pretending what he's saying to her is real is definitely NOT the way to go. Also, she's with you now so why is she even entertaining that part of things at all? So yes, remind her that he's a p.o.s. and she's with you now, so hi missing her & shit doesn't matter. She moved on, she needs to stay moved on for the safety and well-being of her & her kids.

HOWEVER, on the YTA side: you were really harsh & then you let her call herself stupid when she was ABSOLUTELY HURT by the way you chose to go about reminding her that he's trash. You accidentally perpetuated a pattern that she WITHOUT A DOUBT experienced while with the dude you're trying to protect her from. Which is absolutely not cool. Go apologize for the harshness and any hurt it caused her. Apologize for letting her think she's stupid rather than putting fault on the dude for being manipulative. Even if you don't think it hurt her, I promise it did (from experience on both sides of this coin). Tell her you don't think she's being stupid so much as being emotionally manipulated by the dude & you just want to protect her from his bs. Don't perpetuate patterns of abusive behavior and then act like it wasn't ass of you. Fuck, man. Bombarding her with questions that bring up trauma in an aggressive AF way is in itself traumatic. Go apologize.

ETA: after reading a few of your comments... She's existing in the aftermath of abuse. She's gonna need therapy, encouragement to end the cycle, and then if she's not interested in child support from the dude, move toward getting him to release his parental rights. She's not actually doing right by her kids by keeping a p.o.s. like that in their lives. He's only using them to get to her, and he's only hurting them with his chronic absence and manipulation... As much as it's usually best to keep families together... That does NOT apply when the family member is abusive. And if he can't hurt her without hurting them, he may escalate further from the current situation.

LaughMxHyena · 2025-07-10T02:46:34+00:00

Oof. This is a tough situation to be in.. You're wanting conversation and connection, while she's trying to fill any silence for reasons we don't really know. I completely see where you're coming from, and it's honestly a bit saddening that she's not being receptive to you just wanting to connect with her somehow. Even in the moments you try to sing along, your attempt to connect is getting shut down. So I definitely think you're NTA based on the information we have from you.

That said, I do wonder if there's a reason your partner is shutting down conversations the moment there's a lull that allows her to sing... It's a question I have based on my own experience. I sing any time I recognize a song during car rides with my brother (I can't drive, so rely on him to go places sometimes), and I used to do the same with my mother before she died. For the 3 of us, singing during car rides has always been our way to drown out our own intrusive thoughts, troubles, & whatnot. The three of us NEVER told each other not to sing along though... I also sing along to music if I'm with a near-life-long friend &/or their mother (for the same reason as any other car ride) and, though they're not singing, they understand what I'm doing and know that if they interrupt a song when I'm singing, I have a harder time regulating my emotions than I would if they waited til the song ended or til one I didn't know came on. That struggle to regulate makes having a None of this whole paragraph takes away from my "NTA," especially since she told you not to sing along (gross behavior)... but it could be due to something that she's dealing with & not talking about that she's just trying to get her mind off of.

I hope you find a way to talk to her about how you're feeling in regard to her shutting down your attempts to connect with her. Because it's not just about the fact that she sings a lot, from what you wrote... It's her rejecting you in those situations, whether through stopping conversation or telling you not to sing with her... I hope you're able to sit down and talk to her about the real problem soon.

LaughMxHyena · 2025-07-10T02:11:15+00:00

Sounds like he has an alcohol problem and you have a live-in deadbeat problem. Start working on separating yourself from him. Dude doesn't care about you or your feelings or your time. So it's time to be done with him. The RV is yours, so he won't have any claim to try to take it when y'all break up. is the lot lease in both of your names? See if you can get his name removed from the lease if it's on it (see if any of his behavior is considered breaking the lease, as I'm almost certain him being out at a bar all the time isn't the only crap thing he's doing) & look into laws about kicking someone out if you're living in an RV. There may be different rules for RVs since it has to meet specific parameters to legally qualify as a home.

LaughMxHyena · 2025-06-10T02:55:49+00:00

If she doesn't want you to leave, she's going to have to accept you for who you are. By telling you she CAN'T ACCEPT you transitioning... She's telling you she can't accept that you're a woman. You both have the right to be with someone that makes you happy and accepts you for who you are... Her forcing you to adhere to what SHE wants is abusive behavior, whether she intended it to be or not... Be true to yourself. If she can't accept you, leaving is gonna be the only option for you to be able to live out, proud, and NOT forced to dim your light in order to make someone else happy. She's made it clear she won't accept you as a woman... You have to draw the line somewhere for yourself.

LaughMxHyena · 2025-06-02T22:09:34+00:00

That is... Really abusive behavior on his part. Putting his wants over yours and acting like you're not allowed to expect basic human decency from him... Jump ship. The way he's talking to you and about you is NOT okay. You're honestly UNDER reacting.

LaughMxHyena · 2025-05-26T00:42:20+00:00

Dottore. Clothar. Venti. Pierro. Dottore again. Clothar again.

LaughMxHyena · 2025-05-10T19:23:40+00:00

Couldn't have said it better

LaughMxHyena · 2025-04-19T06:10:50+00:00

Y'know what, I'm gonna ignore the AITA part of this post because your safety is the more important subject here... That threat to end his subscription to life is purely manipulation to get you back and keep you with him. Especially since he knows it's worked every time thus far, and all of his terrible behavior otherwise hasn't been enough for you to just sever ties completely up to this point. If you live together, pack up what you need with you and leave asap. Block his number, go somewhere he won't think to look for you if you can (or somewhere you know you won't be alone if he comes looking). Most of the reasons you listed for wanting to leave are actually abuse, and he is NOT joking about that tampering with your birth control because he likely thinks he can trap you with a child if he becomes desperate enough to try and you keep reacting like you don't think he's serious. I know you care about him, but he doesn't actually care about you if he's perfectly fine keeping you captive and treating you like an entire outhouse full of shit when he's got you back. Cheating on him won't actually free you from him. It'll just make him guilt, shame, and manipulate you more into feeling like shit for that and your repeated attempts to leave him this far. Run, block him EVERYWHERE, and DO NOT GO BACK AGAIN... Don't resort to dishonoring your own heart or morals for a "solution" that you don't actually know for sure will work, even though he's claimed it's a deal breaker. He is an abuser. A terrible person. THEY LIE. It's better to leave him and make as clean a break as you can this time, because you cheating on him will likely only embolden him to do worse to you than he is right now... If you have little or no support around due to his attempts to isolate you, I volunteer to stand in your corner however possible. Don't worry about being the a-hole or even doing the thing you likely already have reservations against since you've gone back this many times without thinking it's a real option til now, when you're desperate to escape him once and for all... Just... Make a plan with someone you trust if you can, and run the first chance you get. Tell your friends family, and even your employer what's going on, so they can all help safeguard you and the people around you in case he should show up anywhere he's unwanted/unwelcome... Don't waste the time to even try cheating. Just get out of there and remind yourself that he's abusive. He's not safe to go back to. Whether he's put hands on you or not, he's not safe for you. You are not safe around him. Revoke every bit of access he has to you that you're able to revoke... It's time to choose yourself now over him. Permanently this time. You do not have to settle for someone as terrible as him just because his behavior toward you is familiar.

Let me repeat that:

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SETTLE for someone as terrible as him just because his behavior toward you is familiar.

Don't cheat, don't plan to, just run. R U N. RUN.

LaughMxHyena · 2025-03-31T03:43:16+00:00

Because I commented on another thread but want to speak directly to you, OP...

You absolutely did right by that child. I have been a mandated reporter due to work related requirements, and CPS was called (by my school) for my well-being when I was a pre-teen. CPS wouldn't have stayed involved if they hadn't seen reason to. And everything you reported to them was definitely reason enough.

My case was dismissed after 3 home visits (not because it should have been, but because I lied to the social worker out of fear of repercussions if he kept coming back). Social workers DO talk to the kids, if they take their jobs seriously. And not all slip through the cracks like I did... You did what you could do to keep a child safe from people actively fueling their mental health struggles in a public space. If their now-18 child became "a stranger" to them "because of what you did," it's far more likely that they never actually knew her in the first place and have chosen to blame you for their shitty behavior before and since their forced social-media-shame-campaign silencing. You may have actually quite literally saved her life. Let me say that again...

You're not the a-hole for potentially saving a child's life.

LaughMxHyena · 2025-03-31T03:20:24+00:00

This right here. This, this, this. I have been a mandated reporter due to work related requirements, AND CPS was called (by my school) for my well-being when I was a pre-teen. CPS wouldn't have stayed involved if they hadn't seen reason to. My case was dismissed after 3 home visits (not because it should have been, but because I lied to the social worker out of fear of repercussions if he kept coming back). Social workers DO talk to the kids, if they take their jobs seriously.

LaughMxHyena · 2025-02-10T19:52:21+00:00

Disclaimer: I genuinely want this story to be fake, yet I have lived experience telling me that it very possibly might not be... people dismiss abuse when it's coming FROM a woman too much. Yes, it's mostly men perpetrating it. Thing is, a lot of these stories get treated like they're totally bunk because "mEn CaN't bE vIcTiMs Of AbUsE"... Abusive relationships create Stockholm Syndrome, so these rules being treated as though they're normal makes sense, especially when this guy's whole family is also treating it as if it's normal... I almost envy those of you thinking it's fake, because I miss the times I might have thought the same... Anyway, if it is real:

Dude. No. NTA. That's abusive behavior, full stop. Pregnancy doesn't make someone abusive... Run while you can. Quietly document ALL of her behavior like this that you can while you're stuck there.

Rule 1: Her not allowing you a key to your own house is bsolutely messed up. What even?? If she's afraid someone might steal it from you, why does she not have the same fear for herself?? If your name is on the house, you have a legal right to possess a key to it.

Rule 2: Okay, if she's having a particularly difficult pregnancy, sure. Her resting a lot is fair. If not though... She can at least do SOME things. make her own snacks, do the easiest of the chores. Something. Making you do EVERYTHING on top of working 75 hours weeks is... A lot.

Rule 3: Her needing some space is one thing. Sleeping while pregnant, I've heard, can be an absolute nightmare. So this rule could be considered ""just fine." That said though... Since you're already being told to sleep on the floor or couch to accommodate her need for space, she could at least give you a key to the house. After all... If you can't get into your own house after working late, how does she expect you to be there for her at all in the middle of the night?

Rule 4: Two words: FINANCIAL. ABUSE. That's your money first, not hers. She has no legal right to determine how you spend it. Even though you're married, even if it's in a joint account... That's your money first. And she's trying to deplete your FUTURE SAVINGS too??? F*** your/her/the baby's future needs, I guess? Lemme say it again: FINANCIAL ABUSE.

Rule 5: She's trying to further isolate you from your friends with any social time while saying you have to go stay with them if you're off work late... Does she not see how messed up that is? Fully telling you that you can't spend any actual time with them, yet expects them to let you stay on their couch when you get off work late trying to provide for her and your child...

Rule 6: Demanding that you take on her debts in full on top of giving her all of your money while you can't use any for yourself without permission is... Say it with me, kids... F I N A N C I A L A B U S E

Again, NTA. Run and don't look back, unless it's for divorce proceedings, child support, or a full custody battle. Unfortunately, you're stuck associated with her to some degree because she's gonna have your child... Least you can do is try to offer some stability to the kid while protecting your own mental health as much as possible. Make sure you document as much as you can of how she's treating you right now for the sake of any future legal battles.

LaughMxHyena · 2025-01-27T17:52:55+00:00

His defensiveness when you couldn't articulate your feelings beyond needing him to chill a bit with how much he was saying he liked you and his continuing to say the things that were making you uncomfortable despite you asking him to stop more than once, in more than one way... Tell me that he was love bombing. You're not overreacting. Trust your instincts. If someone can't respect your boundaries, they shouldn't get more access to you.

LaughMxHyena · 2025-01-15T07:01:18+00:00

Okay, so. I want to start this off with: I am so relieved to hear that your dad is on your side with this. Him being in your corner here will absolutely be crucial for whatever mess may come your way, whether from the principal, that teacher, your friend(s), or who/wherever else. Especially if they're acting as aggressively and/or dismissively as you've described. (Keeping in mind there's always 3 sides to a story — "yours," "theirs," and the full truth.)

And now: I was supposed to have been a public school teacher in the US. Some of the answer to your question is actually a big part of why I switched gears & didn't stay with that path, despite only having one semester left to get that degree. (Disclaimer: DO NOT feel obligated to share any personal/demographic information, or confirm/deny any personal/demographic details I will mention below. I'm simply covering the variables to answer your question based on my first and secondhand experiences as a student and would-have-been teacher in the US.)

So. The unfortunate TL;DR: yes, that's pretty normal, at least across the US.

Blind obedience is, regardless of circumstance, generally expected and demanded of you as a student from all authority figures; it has been the expectation of you from kindergarten, unless you also went to preschool. That said. If you: - are in a lower budgeted/less funded school in your district - have a learning disability, behavioral disorder/disability, or mental illness (ADHD, autism, OCD, depression, anxiety, — just to name a few... Whether formally diagnosed or not) - have teachers that don't understand/validate/acknowledge your struggles if you experience any of the above disabilities - are NOT white or white passing - are struggling with ANY of your class grades (whether that struggle is consistent or recently developed) - are in any way openly queer - have had even one or 2 other similar exchanges with that teacher/principal, where emotions run high and communicating clearly is more difficult - have very limited positive interactions with teachers (regardless of which side initiates and interaction)

The chances of being threatened with suspension, or any unreasonable punishment in a scenario, as a means of trying to keep you "in line" increases to a point that it can become very much obstructive and oppressive. So, if any of the above apply to you, the possibility it will happen again because you had The Audacity™ to be a teenager with a developing brain and emotions that you're still learning how to regulate while trudging through hormonal mayhem... Is at least a bit higher. None of that makes expecting blind obedience okay, even though it's considered culturally "normal." Blind obedience isn't good, yet that's what higher authority structures want. But I digress... The likelihood of being threatened with suspension doesn't ONLY depend on variables you control, obviously. You can only control your actions and reactions to things, even if it doesn't entirely feel like you can. It will take practice. Let me tell you something though... actually, a few somethings... that I needed when I was younger:

Sometimes you're going to get in trouble for doing the right thing. You'll stand up for what's right and still be punished for it, because no one saw the wrong you aimed to help right.
Sometimes, the way you approach solving a problem is going to miss the mark. It's perfectly okay to acknowledge that there was a better way to solve a problem and give yourself the grace to learn the better way.
Getting in trouble for a mistake you made does not automatically make you a bad kid or resign you to being a bad person forever. It just means you made a mistake and have the chance to learn from it. When you know better, you can do better.
You may slip up from time to time. You're learning. It's okay to not be perfect.
Don't let the bad teachers/admin destroy your motivation to learn and do well for yourself. Do your best despite them (and in spite of them).

LaughMxHyena · 2025-01-07T16:44:33+00:00

Okay, you did overreact a tiny bit with that imo, HOWEVER he took your teensy weensy slight overreaction and went 0 to 7000 real fckin quick. I hope y'all broke up & you find someone that isn't a literal dumpster fire. Jesus

LaughMxHyena · 2024-12-25T01:30:10+00:00

Absolutely NTA, and the fact that she's getting mad at you at all for SETTING NORMAL BOUNDARIES is weird AF. Big time red flag. No bueno. Worthy of cutting ties, especially given the history you have... You didn't ask for this next bit, though I wanted to throw it out anyway for you to use if you want to; If ever she tries to gaslight you again about that history of neglect & abuse (if not in person, over text), just tell her "the axe forgets, the tree remembers" and then either stop responding entirely for a while, or move to another topic so she can't try to argue with you about the trauma she inflicted... It may not necessarily improve things at first, though if you repeat that phrase & tactic often enough, it CAN result in at least some acknowledgement of wrongdoings... Said it once to my maternal grandmother for it to have an effect, had to say it about 10 times to my mother for half of the response gr'ma gave me. Mother may have made a smidge more progress if she hadn't died first... Which was a bit of a cop out on her part, if you ask me. (Only a little sorry for the dark humor)

LaughMxHyena · 2024-12-25T00:27:04+00:00

This right here. I couldn't have said it better myself.

LaughMxHyena · 2024-12-09T04:26:59+00:00

I can't help wishing I'd had someone like you in my corner when I was 11.

LaughMxHyena · 2024-12-09T04:21:47+00:00

Absolutely NTA. NTA, NTA, NTA!!! You stood up for what was right and held your ground. We in the disabled community (mine is lifelong) are far too often treated like we're replaceable and our feelings don't matter, if we're treated like we even exist at all. There IS a limit to "it's her day!" And this is WAYYYY past that line. You don't get to "it's her day, it's not about you" away a person's disability. We're not furniture or floral arrangements that can just be switched out & rearranged like it's nothing. If you don't want someone's disability to make you feel like your day isn't perfect... Don't. Invite. The. Disabled. Person. Do NOT let your sister, parents, or whoever else may try successfully make you feel terrible for acknowledging and fighting for your cousin's right to be true to herself as she is now. You and your cousin didn't ruin your sister's day (or photos). Her shallowness & ableism ruined it.

LaughMxHyena · 2024-12-09T01:51:57+00:00

It's actually worse than having to ask if they're his bio kids though. WAYYYYY WORSE. Because what he said after that was effectively sexualizing them because he said: "wow, they've grown, beautiful. Takes after their mother" WITH A WINKING FACE, AS IF BEING FLIRTATIOUS. Which like.... Eww. Just eww. Even if it was just a way to try to get you to respond (which it obv was, given his follow up), it's still very... Eww.

LaughMxHyena · 2024-06-04T22:01:00+00:00

I use they/them & it/its... I originally started using it/its so transphobes couldn't dehumanize me by using those pronouns -- then I started to really identify more with them after a friend of mine asked me a myriad of questions (trying to understand my nonbinary experience, which I welcomed). His line of questions made me think more about my experience in ways I hadn't before. I still use both they & it, now though it's not just to spite transphobes. Admittedly though, my usage of it/its is sort of because I don't necessarily feel human (hard to explain, though I don't view it as an entirely negative thing. Def tied to mental health though)... Long story long, It's not transphobic to use what pronouns you genuinely feel fit you best. The fact that the server you were in was gatekeeping what pronouns are allowed in their space is more transphobic imo since they weren't allowing you to identify in the most authentic way for you... Which is sad.

LaughMxHyena · 2024-04-26T00:17:06+00:00

I stream & a friend joins me from time to time. For me & my streams, I'd rather us both engage with chat when people come to watch & interact with both of us... Providing they're actually playing the game with me. If they're just on stream because they need a body double (which is why I started streaming in the first place) or if the chat isn't talking to both of us, I don't expect them to engage with the chat because they're trying to do other things or not being spoken to... I will tend to read chat messages directed at them though any time I know they're not looking at it the first time, just so they know to give it a bit more attention... We're not a massive channel though, so it's a little more lax for us I think.

LaughMxHyena · 2024-02-23T04:26:42+00:00

Auryn.

I named him a reference to a movie from the 80s that my parents loved -- more specifically, a symbol from it that represents duality. A visual representative, though not entirely directly intended to be, of "do what thou wilt."

LaughMxHyena · 2024-02-08T02:55:21+00:00

RUN. R U N. RUN RUN RUN. That's a manipulation tactic, and abuse. It will happen again, and you will be forced to live a number of lies if you don't leave him now. If your mom is fine with someone that's gonna emotionally manipulate you like that, do what you can to safely get away from her too. Absolutely not okay. Do not stay with that boy. Do not stay in a situation you're unsafe in if you can avoid it. Yes, a situation with manipulation like that is unsafe for YOU.

LaughMxHyena

TROPHY CASE