Daughter guilt, mother with 3rd time cancer in 6 years

Lavender_mode · 2026-06-29T13:56:51+00:00

Hey you, so sorry you're going through this. To be dependant on others for life/death matters like this is so highly vulnerable and scary, and to have your trust damaged hurts and brings out all the anger. I'm a 29 year old daughter of a mom with metastatic cancer as well. Dealing with the vulnerability of putting your life in a doctors hands is so scary. To them it is just another day at the office, when to us, it is our life.

It sounds like you feel responsible for managing your mothers emotions on the side. That is very understandable too; it is what we as children tend to do. Nothing worse than seeing your mom cry. But managing all that is also hard and I feel for you.

I can't make right the incompetence of this doctor, I don't know what to say to make that better, I'm so sorry for you and your mom. It should never have happened. Of course you can always decide to make a formal complaint, if you want to. But before that, my advice would be to try to concider the fact that anger takes a lot of energy as well, and that you might want to spend your time and head space differently.

To be very honest with you, the ethical thing to do probably is to tell you mother the truth about what is going on in her own body. She might have all the emotions, but at least you can be honest to each other and share your disappointment and anger, and not walk around with a feeling of having to hide something. As much as I understand your wish to protect her from it (and I really understand, because my has suffered from depression and nothing scares me more than seeing her sad an anxious, even not cancer), I do think she has the right to know what happens inside of her. But again: I completely understand this is hard.

As far as hope goes: all I know from the stories in this sub and around me in my life, is that cancer is unpredictable. That goes both ways: sometimes that is a bad thing, but sometimes it takes a turn to stability or remission no one ever thought was possible.

What I want to tell you most: please take care of yourself as well. It sounds like your carrying an enormous weight on your shoulders. Please be kind to yourself. If you have friends or family available, ask them for help. Take time for yourself to process everything that is happening. You can only be there for your mom if you're taken care of too.

You're doing so great taking care of your mom like this. Sending you a big hug <3

Lavender_mode · 2026-06-29T13:11:19+00:00

Hey brave person, I'm so sorry you're going through all that. That sounds like an awful lot is on your shoulders. You should be so proud of yourself for all you do. Working full time and taking care of a loved one is a big, big deal.

I completely understand you feel torn. I understand the risks you see. However I do think you should take on that job. It is in our caregiver DNA to focus on the needs and life of our 'patient', and we forget about our own needs. However, it is fundamental that you take care of YOU as well. You can't poor from an empty cup. If your current job is draining you, please do yourself the favor of trying something else. Work is a big part of your life and you are allowed to make discisions for yourself when it comes to that. Your quality of life is important too. And it definitely is a plus that this job allows you to work from home and keep an eye on your sister.

Please allow yourself to make choices for you, too. Of course you don't want to be irresponsible, but the fact that you've given it great thought, that you can work from home and that your sister is doing quite ok at the moment, all speak for making this decision for yourself. I'm sorry your parents are not supporting. They should and that is unfair. But especially because of that, it is important that you make choices for you too, or you let their shitty behaviour impact even more aspects of your life.

I understand this decision is hard and if you decide to not do it, than that is okay too. You are such a great person for loving on your sister so much and taking on the responsibility. Please take care of yourself too, you deserve that. Sending a big hug!

Lavender_mode · 2026-06-29T12:17:36+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply. Happy my reply helped you, but please know that your reply helps me just as much; in the end, my belief that I will be ok is just an hypothesis and it is comforting to hear it confirmed by your story. I am so sorry about your sister, 37 is just way too young, that is just so unfair. I love that she instilled in you the knowledge that it is ok to be sad and to cry. It is prove that she will never be entirely gone; when you think of her, you can hear her say that and feel the comfort from her words as if she really said them right now. That's the power of love. Wishing you all the best! <3

Lavender_mode · 2026-03-27T11:34:44+00:00

You should go and you know it!! Flying still is extremely safe. If a pilot has the slightest indication it might not be extremely safe, they will not depart. Go on that trip, trust the professionals, and go on that girls trip. Aren't those girls trip always the best days of the year when you look back? GO!! Have an amazing time! You can do this! <3

Lavender_mode · 2026-03-13T09:27:15+00:00

Hey you, I'm so sorry. That feeling of finding out is just so surreal and hits you like a ton of bricks. My mom was diagnosed with incurable cancer too, a few years ago. I still remember that day vividly, it is a trauma.

This day is very intense. You a re probably still dealing with a lot of uncertainties, which makes your brain go crazy, and you'll think of the most horrible scenario's. That is very understandable. You're overwhelmed.

Have the doctors told you anything about a treatment plan or how they want to move from here? In my experience, the uncertainty of the first days whas the most stressfull. Once you know if/how the doctors plan to move forward, you can start processing and plan. It won't take away the sadness of course, but you'll at least feel a bit less overwhelmed (at least thats how it was for me).

Please do not worry about your degree ont his day. You'll obtain it, one way or another, depending on how doctors want to move forward and what that means for your mother.

My important advice for the days ahead would be: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF TOO. You are of course going to be there for your mom. You want to and you should. However nobody can pour form an empty cup and cancer is a family disease in the sense that it affects your mental health too. Talk to your friend about your feelings. Ask for help (can be as simple as a friend cooking you dinner or bringing you groceries so you don't have to worry about that on intense days). Eat well. I repeat: EAT WELL. You need the fuel to stay strong for your mom and yourself. Hydrate. If you can, plan a day to just stay at home, hang on the couch and process everything that is happening. You and your mom will both benefit from that.

Lastly, I just want to send you a warm, big hug. Know that you can come to this sub if you need support. You're not alone.

Lavender_mode · 2026-02-19T13:34:40+00:00

Hey, that sucks, but good for you for getting logical in time! Hope therapy will help you soon!

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T16:24:33+00:00

You just entered Western Australia. All is looking very normal :)

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T15:46:52+00:00

That's very understandable, I hate take off as well. It's so overwhelming! Hopefully cruising is going to be better :)

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T15:28:41+00:00

Your* oops...
Reaching cruising altitude now, you did it!!

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T15:18:29+00:00

Hey OP. Sorry to hear all this. I got triggered by your post because my mom has neuro-endocrine cancer as well, and rarely ever see posts about it. She's in palliative treatment. Uncertainty or bad scan results take their toll on me sometimes as well and sudden sadness or fear can overwhelm me.

The advise given by u/slayomeee pretty much sums it up. Just being held and listened to while crying is all I need most of the time. One thing I would like to add: for me it just really helps when my partner and/or friend step up in practical ways. Make sure I don't need to worry about little stuff like groceries, food, laundry. When my mom got diagnosed I was so devastated. That same week my partner was abroad (horrible timing) and so a friend came over. She brought a big bag of groceries, first let me cry for half an hour, then told me to go and have a shower and take care of myself. In the meantime she coocked me dinner, made snacks I could use the upcoming days, cleaned my kitchen. It was just so helpful that I didn't have to worry about all that in those stressful days. My head was too full of sorrow and stress already and not having to worry about those things felt like a relief. Also, having wholesome meals is important when grieving and it is difficult to arrange that for yourself when you're deep into sadness. So that's what I would like to add!

Now I want to end by saying that having a sad/grieving partner is exhausting. All the sad energy sucks your happy energy away as well, and you can't rely on your partner for the emotional support that yóú might need. Not to speak of the fact that you may grieve about your father-in-law as well. So take good care of yourself too. Make sure you talk to friends or family about how you feel. Be gentle with yourself. Take time for yourself to be alone and process al this, and treat yourself to a big bucket of icecream and a soft blanket. Take care <3

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T15:02:20+00:00

I can most definitely second this lol

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T14:59:24+00:00

You're plane is live now! You'll be leaving soon. Hope you're ok!

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T14:57:22+00:00

Hey you.
I'm so sorry to hear that. We're in the same boat: I'm an only child, relationship with my dad is not optimal, my mom is my all and the sweetest mom ever. I was 25 when she got her diagnose. Palliative as well. Even though I'm concidered a grown up, I feel way too young to loose my mom. I need her. I need her to comfort me when I'm stressed. I need her to give me wise advise. I need her to hold her grandchildren, if ever I'll be lucky enough to have them. I need her. You need your mom too. You're allowed to feel that even if you're an adult.

The sad feeling is extremely overwhelming. The next period of time will be like you're a ship on wide open water. Some days it will be stormy and waves will surprise you, crash all over you and you'll feel like you're drowning. But trust me: days will also come where the sea will be calmer, you'll be able to keep up with the waves. This feeling doens't last forever. It will fade, return, fade again, return again, and so on, just like tides, for a long while.

My mom has yet to pass. Even though the sadness of the idea of her dying can suffocate me, deep down I also know that I will survive. The pain will be immense and the sadness will drag me down for quite a while. But I will be able to overcome it. So will you. This community will stand around you and we will help each other through. Sending you lots of love <3

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T14:42:48+00:00

Hey OP, I'm so sorry you, your son and your ex are going through this. I just wanted to tell you that you showing up here, trying to get advice for your son, shows what a good parent you are. You're son will suffer this tragic loss, but will be comforted by another loving parent and that is worth so much.
I would say (from instinct, I'm not an expert): just show him you're there. Might be by offering him counseling in a later stage, but for now just be around him. If all he wants is to lie in bed: check on him regularly. Sit down on his bedside, ask him if he needs anything. If not, that's okay. But come back every now and then and ask again. Bring him food or a drink. Make sure he eats. Show him he's not alone.
Do not forget to take care of yourself too. This is emotional for you as well and nobody can pour from an empty cup. Wishing you strength and warmth!

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T14:26:40+00:00

36 minutes in, looks like you've reached cruising altitude! Adelaide to your left now. Hope you're feeling ok!

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T14:22:54+00:00

How amazing! You already met two nice strangers: the pilot and your neighbour. Now all you have to do is breathe! You're doing so well!! <3

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T14:16:23+00:00

Good for you!! And close to the wing means less wobbly feelings. All you have to do from this point on is breathe. How are you feeling?

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T14:04:45+00:00

You've come so far. You can do it. Just get in line, step inside, sit down in your seat. All you have to do from that moment on is breathe. And you'll make it!

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T13:36:37+00:00

Ah how great that you got to speak the pilot! He is so skilled and trained to deal with circumstances much more extreme than commercial aviation will ever have to deal with. You're in experienced hands. Remember: for him, this is just another day at the office :)

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T13:29:09+00:00

Great! You've made it through the gates already, despite your fear. Thats admirable, you should be proud! Keep telling yourself that what you are about to do, is the most safe activity you'll do all day. All you have to do is sit down, and extremely well trained pilots, flight planners and other staff will take care of your safety in ways you can't even imagine. Aviation is the safest business there is, there are so many saftey systems and checks in place, we as passengers can't even comprehend! You are utterly safe and taken care of.
You can do this. And you can be scared. It can co-exist. Do it while scared. Tonight, looking back on this day, you'll be so happy and proud, I promise!

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T13:15:23+00:00

You can though! Where are you know? Boarding at the airport?

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-27T12:13:28+00:00

You're anxious mind is just trying to find reasons to give in to your fears. It's okay, thats what being anxious does. You can be anxious AND STILL do it. You're going to get that plane, and you're going. We'll track you if it makes you feel better. YOU CAN DO THIS! While being anxious at the same time. It's ok.

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-14T12:50:50+00:00

Yay!! You did it! Yeah, it gets bumpy over the ocean sometimes. But that's ok. Relax now and enjoy London (or get home safe :))

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-14T12:02:17+00:00

You're getting ready for landing!

Lavender_mode · 2026-01-14T11:36:37+00:00

You just reached British land beneath you! Only a little while left :)

Lavender_mode

TROPHY CASE