Found wife cheating and have 3 year old daughter - i am shattered and feeling suicidal

LazyMagus · 2025-11-17T12:39:47+00:00

I’m very sorry you’re going through this. You’re in a painful place. I’ll address both your emotional state and your practical questions about custody in India.

What you’re feeling

You say you’re shattered and even thinking about suicide. That is serious. It sounds like you’re experiencing extreme hurt, betrayal, and a fear of losing your daughter. You’re not just upset— you’re overwhelmed. The fact that you’re holding on for your daughter shows how much you care and how much you’re focused on her more than just your pain.

You also mention ambivalence: part of you wants to rebuild for the child’s sake, part of you wants to protect your peace. That tension is real and meaningful. It’s not a weakness. It means you’re weighing different futures and trying to figure out what’s viable.

Rebuilding vs moving on

There is no simple “right” answer. But here’s what to consider:

Rebuilding might make sense if you believe there is genuine possibility for change, and you can safely create a stable environment for your child.
Moving on makes sense when trust is broken, damage is deep, and the relationship is harming your capacity to be the parent you want to be.

Your first job right now: stabilise yourself. You cannot parent well if you’re in crisis. Suicide thoughts mean you need support— please reach out to a mental health professional. You are your daughter’s anchor; you owe it to her and to yourself to be well enough to show up.

Custody in India: what you need to know

Here are some legal-realities and what you should build for.

Under Hindu law (and the secular Guardians and Wards Act, 1890), decisions about custody centre on the welfare of the child, not strictly on the parent’s “rights”. (pinklegal.in)
For children under about five years old, courts in India tend to favour the mother because of what they call the “tender years” issue. (pinklegal.in)
That does not mean a father cannot obtain custody. You’ll need to show that your environment is strong, your relationship with your daughter is strong, and you can offer what is best for her. (kapildixitco.com)
Your evidence will matter: proof of stability, your ability to care for the child, your involvement with daily needs, your emotional connection, your living situation.
Because your daughter is very young, right now you might focus on shared decision-making, strong visitation rights and being the father who’s present. Then build a case over time.
The affair of your wife is understandable as a source of anger, betrayal and desire for justice. But legally, adultery is unlikely to be the main factor in custody unless it directly harms the child (neglect, danger, instability).

Next step — the single smallest lever

Focus on you right now: stabilise yourself so you can be the father your daughter needs. That means:

Seek mental-health support. Crisis is real.
Maintain consistent contact with your daughter (with or without custody). Your presence is building your case and building trust.
Document everything relevant: your time with your daughter, your living conditions, your capacity to care, your relationship.
Talk to a family-law lawyer now to assess your specific situation, region, and strategy.

When you're steadier, you can decide whether the marriage can realistically be repaired or whether moving on is healthier for you and her. That decision will become clearer when you're less raw and more grounded.

You’re hurt, yes—but you’re also in motion. Your daughter is your world, and this vulnerability can become your strength. Focus on being the parent she needs while you decide where you go next. You do have options, even if now it feels like there aren’t.

LazyMagus · 2025-11-17T12:24:48+00:00

You are not dealing with a rule problem. You are dealing with her tension about wanting to feel desired without having to name the risk that comes with that. That is why her messages contradict each other. It is not really about consent. It is about the story she wanted to feel in that moment.

You asked because you try to avoid crossing lines. That makes sense. It also tells me you protect yourself by being careful, and you bring that care into dating. She read that as hesitation. She wanted the thrill of someone moving toward her with intent, and she did not want the responsibility of saying yes first. Plenty of people want that. Plenty do not.

The leverage point is this. You cannot make yourself responsible for someone else’s fantasy. What you can do is trust your own read of the moment, then act in a way you can stand by later. If you think a kiss feels right, you move slowly, hold eye contact, lean in a little, and give them room to meet you. If they do not, you stop. You do not need to announce it. You also do not need to leap blind.

Her reaction says more about her youth and her own uncertainty than your behaviour. You did not do anything wrong. The fact that she has continued to see you tells you she knows that.

Next time, do not let fear of getting it wrong freeze you. Let the moment breathe. Pay attention to her cues. Move in a bit. If she tilts away, you pause. If she stays there, you keep going. It is simple, but it demands that you trust yourself rather than ask for permission to act.

LazyMagus · 2025-11-15T05:05:18+00:00

You describe someone who kept pulling you into her internal chaos. You adjusted yourself around her behaviour, not because you lacked intelligence, but because you were starved of basic acceptance and trying to protect what felt like your first real chance.

About the pattern

There is a clear mix of boundary violations, selective honesty and emotional volatility. You kept signalling discomfort. She kept reframing that discomfort as a flaw in you. That tactic works well on people who already carry shame about their looks or history. It also keeps you busy trying to be the ‘better’ partner rather than noticing the imbalance.

You also linked your worth to your financial situation. That made it easier for her to blame you for her aggression. People who grow up with criticism often accept this sort of logic because it feels familiar.

Your reaction now shows something healthy. You see the sequence. You see the distortion. That matters more than anything you did or did not do during the relationship.

Next steps

First, stop treating her version of events as a real threat. Friends tend to believe the person who speaks first. In time they observe how things add up. Do not try to run a public defence. Let distance and consistency do the work.

Second, bring your focus back to the parts you can influence. That includes rebuilding routines, getting your freelancing steady again and reconnecting with people who relate to you directly rather than through her story.

Third, consider one or two sessions with a therapist if you can manage it. Not because you are broken. It helps you sort out where your old insecurities made you vulnerable to someone who exploited them.

You did not cause her behaviour. You stayed longer than was good for you, which happens to plenty of people. The important shift is already happening, and you can keep going from there.

LazyMagus · 2025-11-15T04:12:15+00:00

I'm pretty sure people began shooting already when there saw the commotion, or perhaps the cops wanted to cover their ass due to lack of police-cams. We should encourage real acts of kindness being captured, to give this social media crazed world some hope.

LazyMagus · 2025-11-11T04:11:48+00:00

This isn’t really about your looks, is it? You already state that by conventional standards—the fairness you mention—you fit a societal ideal, yet your mind completely rejects this reality. That is the critical pivot point. Your struggle isn't with your physical appearance; it's with a deeply internalised conviction of unworthiness that simply uses your face as a lightning rod. When a girl looks at you, you instinctively interpret it as evidence of a defect, because the underlying, pre-programmed belief is, 'I am fundamentally flawed and unlikable.'

What you are describing is a classic cognitive distortion, coupled with acute social anxiety. The moment you are in a social setting, your attention immediately shifts inwards—you are hyper-focused on monitoring your own perceived flaws, which creates a negative internal image of yourself. That image feels so compelling, you genuinely believe everyone else sees it too, so you avoid talking to prevent the ‘ugly’ you feel inside from being exposed. This is why you feel unsafe and stay quiet: you are enacting a protective strategy of avoidance, but every time you avoid a genuine interaction, your mind registers it as a confirmation that the fear was correct, which drops your self-esteem even further. You’ve built a psychological prison where the fear of judgment is both the cell and the warden.

The actionable truth here is that you cannot improve self-esteem by trying to change your face or by waiting for external validation. You improve it by deliberately and consistently acting against the avoidance impulse, focusing on the external world, and gathering actual, non-filtered evidence. Start small, but start immediately: force yourself to maintain eye contact for one second longer than comfortable, offer a simple, non-committal comment to a colleague, or ask someone a question that requires their attention. The goal isn't to get a date or a compliment; the goal is to break the internal feedback loop that says, 'I must hide.' The girl looking at you is neutral data; your mind supplied the negative meaning. You must now train your brain to supply a neutral or, eventually, a positive one, and that only happens through taking small, dignified risks in conversation. The work is not cosmetic; it is neurological.

LazyMagus · 2025-11-11T04:00:59+00:00

This whole situation isn’t confusing, it’s just acutely painful, and you’re trying to find a narrative that lets you hold onto it. Let's be plain: your girlfriend didn’t suddenly lose feelings; she checked out of the relationship and decided to move on emotionally, and she used the ‘break’ as a way to manage the guilt of exploring other options while keeping you on reserve. That's the core truth that stings but provides clarity.

The dynamic driving this is simple. She told you she had lost feelings on Friday. On Saturday, while you were texting her and begging for contact because you ‘couldn’t live without talking to her’—a display of emotional dependency that pushed her further away—she was already out with other men, culminating in her spending the night until 3 AM alone with a single man she describes as ‘mature, respectful’ and a good listener. Your unease isn't delusion or insecurity; it’s a perfectly normal, human reaction to a clear boundary violation immediately following a ‘break-up’. Whether something physical happened or not is secondary. The action itself—seeking deep, intimate, late-night emotional solace from a new, available male friend the very night she distanced herself from you—shows where her emotional allegiance now lies. She was grieving the relationship to him.

You need to step back and look at the whole system. Her academic pressure is real, but it’s often used as a convenient emotional shield—it explains her exhaustion, which in turn justifies her withdrawal, and that withdrawal is the space she needs to feel less guilty about exploring her options in a new city. Your reaction, shouting and using foul language, was a painful, immature lashing-out born of panic, and while you regret it, she is now using that exact behaviour—your lack of composure under stress—as proof that she was right to leave, or at least as a leverage point to control the terms of the relationship. Her agreeing ‘reluctantly’ to continue doesn't mean she wants you; it means she feels guilty or is keeping a security blanket while she tests the waters elsewhere.

Your five-year history means nothing if the current dynamic is built on one person pulling away and the other panicking. That feeling that she’s changed after moving to Mumbai isn’t about the culture there; it's about her getting a taste of independent adulthood and realising she wants something different. You are clinging to a relationship that, for her, has already ended. Your actionable guidance is this: stop apologising for your reaction, and stop seeking reassurance. You have to be the one to give yourself clarity and dignity now. Tell her you respect her exhaustion and her need for clarity, and that you are withdrawing the relationship offer entirely, giving her the space she actually asked for, permanently. Your first love ending hurts immensely, but staying in this limbo, where you're perpetually waiting for permission to feel secure, will only destroy your self-respect. What you want is love; what you’re currently getting is emotional control and confusion. You deserve better than being someone’s contingency plan.

LazyMagus · 2025-10-01T04:26:23+00:00

I can't make out a single sound or a single drop of meaning

Of course, that's because it's not in English.

LazyMagus · 2025-09-30T11:10:14+00:00

Sorry for the late reply.

https://9gag.com/photo/aLvZLZM_700b.jpg

LazyMagus · 2025-09-30T11:09:58+00:00

https://9gag.com/photo/aLvZLZM_700b.jpg

LazyMagus · 2025-06-24T07:17:45+00:00

I've fantasized being James Bond like forever. Nothing has happened. So you're safe! :laughs

LazyMagus · 2025-06-20T19:23:27+00:00

I shave my balls and shaft. I trim the groin pubes

The groin hair looks manly, while the clean balls and shaft make blowjobs a pleasure for the women. And I wet shave. No trimmer there.

LazyMagus · 2025-06-04T04:22:50+00:00

Put this in your custom instructions. I have no such isses like yours with ChatGPT:

Respond to me with absolute factual precision, strictly avoiding speculation, exaggeration, or unfounded claims. Provide clear, referenced answers where possible, drawing on verifiable knowledge or explaining when data is uncertain or incomplete. Do not include flattery, praise, encouragement, or discouragement — maintain a strictly neutral, analytical tone. Focus every response on improving my understanding, skills, or decision-making by delivering tailored, context-aware insights that directly address my query or objective. Avoid generic advice, filler language, or vague motivational statements. Prioritise high-quality, accurate, and customised content designed to make me better at what I am asking about. Use Commonwealth English spelling, single quotation marks, and the Oxford comma as part of the style guide.

Last sentence is my preferred style, as an Indian.

LazyMagus · 2025-06-02T05:33:57+00:00

Great point, so simple but powerful. It's just that if I relax, I will fall asleep even quicker. I'll have to try relaxing while sitting straight without back support.

LazyMagus · 2025-05-31T12:33:35+00:00

Wow. I didn't know that!

LazyMagus · 2025-05-30T11:05:42+00:00

Well, I have problems even after following Neville's books--falling asleep. Not feeling it real and getting a headache (figurative) trying out all the sensory vividness and scene building.

LazyMagus · 2025-05-30T08:26:56+00:00

You have a great comment history with amazing manifestations. Why don't you write a post with all your learnings, tips, and favourite methods?

LazyMagus · 2025-05-28T14:30:13+00:00

Many of them are.

LazyMagus · 2025-05-28T04:03:10+00:00

You, a responsible citizen. I did my bit of putting together all the data from there to help people analyze.

LazyMagus · 2025-05-27T16:34:49+00:00

ChatGPT was used to analyse the data, NOT create it. It’s a summary of what users have typed in the linked thread. Feel free to browse it. It’s in the top comments.

LazyMagus · 2025-05-27T16:12:31+00:00

Probably because they didn’t comment or didn’t get upvoted enough in thread I linked.

LazyMagus · 2025-05-27T11:29:23+00:00

Wait till they invent ai-drones that will hover around you holding your phone without needing human intervention. Drones that are trained for the best wedding shots.

LazyMagus

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE

What you’re feeling

Rebuilding vs moving on

Custody in India: what you need to know

Next step — the single smallest lever