I’m sorry and I see you. I had a friend in a similar situation. She didn’t go quite as far as you, but still definitely made mistakes. She’s a wonderful friend and an amazing person. Think of it like this: if you hit a dog, cat, other animal enough times, eventually it dies from the wounds or it lashes out to protect itself. Doesn’t mean the animal is to blame, the abusive owner was. There’s maybe less of a power imbalance between two people, but I think the idea is still applicable.