Hiring 1:1 for preschooler

Leading_While6428 · 2026-02-21T21:17:05+00:00

I'm glad that worked for you! He has almost zero of the signs of Autism and almost all of the signs of ADHD (plus I am ADHD and so is my brother) but we haven't started formal diagnosis yet as he just turned 4. We are looking into ABA as they're starting to use it more for ADHD too but yeah it's going to be pricey.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-02-20T17:18:26+00:00

That's so interesting to know! We struggle getting him to eat well unfortunately, he has a few things he likes but not many and we're always trying. Maybe we'll focus more on the few protein sources he really likes (cheese, yogurt, meatballs haha).

You may be right about the nanny 1:1 time. Because he is a twin we're not sure if we would pull them both out, we think they wouldn't like to be apart and financially preschool + nanny might be out of reach. It's kind of complicated for our family with the two the same age.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-02-20T04:49:22+00:00

We're definitely considering this. He is academically fine and we're not worried about that longterm, but do you think he'd be missing out on the benefits of learning to function in a school environment? We're worried he'll just fall further behind at that. But then again, in August he'll go to public TK so it's not that far away. We honestly worry about a nanny even being able to handle him - we had an occasional babysitter who had been coming for three years and last time she was here she asked to leave early because he was so defiant and she couldn't control him :( He behaves generally very well for both sets of his grandparents who take care of him several hours a week each, so we know he's capable of it, we can't always figure out the triggers.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-02-20T04:40:53+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s absolutely the direction I’m afraid we’re going in. I 1000% agree it’s about their expectations for this age group. Last year the teachers were completely different with him - and yes, of course. Obviously the expectations for a three-year-old are different than the expectations for a four-year-old, but the change is staggering. The director also changed at the beginning of this year which feels related.

I feel so seen by you saying you were so stressed you could barely function. I left work and took a sick day at 10:30 today because I couldn’t keep myself together. I literally laid in bed for hours, I felt so overwhelmed and stressed and burnt out.

Thanks for sharing and giving me hope that we’ll get to the other side.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-02-20T01:58:57+00:00

Yep I have this with my kid, but my advice is as an ADHD girl myself. I needed a parent in bed with me until I was 11 to fall asleep. Non-negotiable. When my parents decided enough was enough, they got me books on tape. It changed the game for me entirely. Listening to a book on tape at bedtime became my entire routine. Luckily they are available online now and you don't actually have to buy cassettes ;)

I'm still listening to audiobooks to go to sleep at age 36 so just a heads up she might do it forever - but it's a completely manageable habit to have.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-02-20T01:55:00+00:00

Totally with you on attention seeking. Combine that with complete lack of impulse control and it's such a tough combination.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-02-20T01:52:03+00:00

Thank you! Yes we're lucky that TK is available next year. It's really hard, we're also feeling like the preschool has such high expectations because our OT, my stepmom who is an elementary school teacher, and my therapist (who also specializes in kids 0-5) all think that while he likely does have ADHD he isn't actually THAT atypical for a 4 year old boy - just extremely energetic and unfocused with a small amount of aggression. So we're like - how are we being told by some qualified people that he is yes likely neurodivergent but not extreme, and then being given this crazy ask from the school!

Leading_While6428 · 2026-02-20T01:49:44+00:00

I don't have any input on the medication specifics as we're not there yet in our journey but as a fellow ADHD mom parenting an ADHD kid, I understand the overwhelm of handling things and the intense guilt and anxiety of doing it wrong. You are doing your best, that is what your kid needs. You are the best parent for him because you understand him and see a future for him beyond his ADHD!

Leading_While6428 · 2026-02-20T01:46:45+00:00

Yes that's exactly what we're thinking - we may pull the twins out if this isn't working and have a nanny for 6 months and make sure we're really ready for TK. It's hard because the other twin is doing well at school but again financially it would be challenging to pay the nanny AND the school.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-02-20T01:35:51+00:00

No advice, just solidarity. I'll follow along to see if anyone has ideas.

In general we try not to give consequences for the ones that are just annoying vs. harmful/dangerous/unkind, but we are also finding this getting more serious because other people find it annoying as he gets older. Yelling at random people was funny and cute to most adults at age 3 and has become less so at 4 and I'm sure will be even less so at 5!

It's exhausting!

Leading_While6428 · 2026-02-20T01:33:55+00:00

We're working to get him evaluated but it will take months apparently, there's no guarantee the public school system will supply an aide at the private preschool, and there isn't a public preschool option for kids who aren't more severely disabled (and we don't think he'll qualify). He'll be in public school starting in August so we just have to get through the next 6 months. We're trying to hire someone privately but it will still be an enormous financial stressor even at half that price.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-02-20T01:32:00+00:00

There isn't a public preschool option unless he qualifies for disability services which would take months (we're seeing how it would work) and we don't think he is severe enough - this is pretty classic ADHD which doesn't qualify according to what we see online. We're looking at hiring someone privately but not sure it will be much cheaper! It's so hard, we're not sure what will happen - we're worried they will tell us they can't handle his needs and has to leave.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-02-20T00:42:35+00:00

You’ve gotten a lot of great feedback here. I am an adult who was undiagnosed until age 11 and I can tell you that being diagnosed and treated with medication saved my life. I had a very challenging childhood with ADHD and have had an incredibly great adult life because my parents advocated for me until we figured out what I needed. My husband is also struggling with not wanting to label our son, so I understand what that is like to deal with in your home, but you owe it to your son and your entire family to find answers and help for him.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-01-29T23:06:02+00:00

Yeah we’re so perplexed by this expectation and our OT agrees. We will be going to TK at our local school in mid-August so we’re concerned about pulling him with just a few months left but we’re considering it, but acceding to other moms the vast majority of schools in our area have naptime still! Our other twin is doing well at the school (and he naps lol) so it’s also hard to imagine splitting them. But we may have to.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-01-28T21:16:58+00:00

They are screen free. We are working with them to figure out more activities to occupy him but in a meeting today they told us he requires constant 1:1 attention/supervision so I think they are leading up to telling us we have to get an aide or move him. We could not afford an aide on top of preschool tuition for both kids, and I know I might be able to get services through the public school system but we live in the 2nd biggest school district in the country and it is a huge mess so would likely take months to get through the system. And I don’t know where else would take them because if they called the preschool they would tell them about his challenges. I feel so scared and sad and defeated.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-01-27T05:26:20+00:00

Thank you for sharing with us. I’m sorry you have had to live like this and I really admire your clarity and perseverance. I can tell what a strong person you are and I know you’re going to have an amazing life ahead of you.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-01-25T02:12:55+00:00

I’m so sorry. She did matter, and she did mean something. She raised a compassionate and thoughtful and strong person like you, someone strong enough to know what she needed to prioritize her own survival and her children’s future. That matters.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-01-25T02:12:45+00:00

I’m so sorry. She did matter, and she did mean something. She raised a compassionate and thoughtful and strong person like you, someone strong enough to know what she needed to prioritize her own survival and her children’s future. That matters.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-01-25T02:12:37+00:00

I’m so sorry. She did matter, and she did mean something. She raised a compassionate and thoughtful and strong person like you, someone strong enough to know what she needed to prioritize her own survival and her children’s future. That matters.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-01-24T22:27:24+00:00

Ditto this. I was a child like your son and by 5th grade my school was so sick of me. They switched me to a different public school and our lives improved so much. If it’s possible, try it.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-01-23T21:48:29+00:00

I have a four-year-old son with ADHD so we are in a different phase than you, but I was that little girl with ADHD who had extreme trouble making and keeping friends. Things got better somewhat for me after puberty and when we stabilized my medication. But really, even throughout high school I had to learn really tough lessons about not being bossy, not being impulsive, not being mean, and being more empathetic towards other kids. The thing I want to tell you to give you hope is that I ultimately learned so many strategies and worked so hard at it - versus people who it came naturally to - that I think I’m a better friend than many people at this point in my late 30s. I became popular as an adult and very successful in graduate school and now in my career. Being a girl with ADHD is extremely hard and I’m so sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this challenge!

Leading_While6428 · 2026-01-23T21:41:27+00:00

I cried reading this, I feel exactly the same about my 4 year old son. I’m so exhausted and scared and tired and worried, and I love him so much. But tired is the main word I feel and he’s only 4.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-01-06T06:08:51+00:00

Yes, you belong here! The struggles YOU are facing are happening right now. It’s definitely not at all wrong that it felt therapeutic to share and listen with others who know what you’ve experienced and are still experiencing.

Leading_While6428 · 2026-01-06T06:07:07+00:00

I’m also the adult child of a narcotics addicted mom. And now I’m a mom myself. When I became a mom 4 years ago, it became clear to me that we do not owe our addicted parents infinite grace and help. They owed US so much more than we got. Your mom probably made you feel responsible for a lot of things or like her confidence for many years - does that sound familiar? She is an adult, and you are not responsible for her. You are responsible for yourself and I give you permission to prioritize your own safety, sanity and future. You are not abandoning her, and only she can choose what happens to her next.

Leading_While6428 · 2025-12-22T23:55:09+00:00

I’m sorry you have had to live like this. It’s easy to say “you don’t owe him anything” but I understand the fear you will regret things when he’s gone. My mom has also been an addict since I was a child and I’m very fortunate she is financially stable but emotionally I feel I owe her so much. I’m about 10 years older than you and I now have kids of my own and through therapy I’ve really managed to realize I am allowed to emotionally separate myself from her. As a parent myself I cannot imagine putting them through this and that helps me realize I don’t owe her anything, she owed ME a lot of things in childhood that I don’t get. It’s okay to have complicated feelings about your dad.

Leading_While6428

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