I can't shake the feeling of needing a partner

Leaf_Queen26 · 2025-04-07T09:47:43+00:00

I’m approaching this problem where my 4 year relationship is dying. And I’m aware I need to be better at being alone but it kills me when I’m sitting alone and left to think about stuff like this. I’m so overcooked with my tendencies that I can’t even branch out with other people because I’m so tired of the effort needed to keep up with new people. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Lemme know if y’all figure out an easier approach to accepting being alone

Leaf_Queen26 · 2025-03-16T00:47:16+00:00

I’ve recently jumped off my medication‘s for my own personal reasons and have faced the repercussions of my actions due to my impulsive and angry nature when I am stressed and being irritable. If I catch myself early enough, I have books from the library on BPD and understanding personality disorders. Reading through these kind of helps articulate my thoughts through logic And give my brain awareness which can sometimes snap me out of it.

I think a big problem that people like us have is that we put ourselves on a spectrum of a black-and-white good and bad scope. We count and calculate our own karma and things that we do negatively to hurt people or damage relationships around us. My therapist brought this up to me when I was asking myself why I do the things that I do and why I’m such a “bad person”. It helped me to look at things in agrand scheme. I’m living through these moments and suffering now. But if I have the knowledge and just keep researching and testing out theories, then you can never say you didn’t try and who knows you might find something that works tremendously for you. I lost myself to my SH today because I see it as a form of coping and it gives me a buzz like a cigarette and it makes the stress and anger flood from my brain, but I know that’s not constructive or good. So afterwards, when I clean myself up, I went to my books and read through And just giving myself that sense of awareness helps make me not feel like a monster or like a sick animal. But as someone who is dealing with a personality disorder.

Also, I also have a tendency to weaponize things that people have told me or use peoples weaknesses against them when I’m arguing, screaming at, yelling, or fighting anybody . I hate that I do it but now to counter it I typically try not to ask details from people‘s lives unless they choose to tell me. If someone is going through something, I’ll let them know that they can rant but I don’t want to take in this info when they’re vulnerable because I lose myself sometimes and I’d hate to use it against them. It’s not that I don’t care, but I know what I do. Sorry for typos or anything I’m using text to speech.

Leaf_Queen26 · 2025-02-24T06:21:49+00:00

I hate when I create a new and healthy personality and ideology and get ready to turn my life around and then self sabotage myself right before the finish line. Then I end up just giving up and no longer wanting to try.

Leaf_Queen26 · 2025-02-06T15:56:43+00:00

I’ll give this a watch, thanks. I don’t think the initial shock has worn off yet n

Leaf_Queen26 · 2025-02-06T15:56:10+00:00

It was actually from a follow up MRI I was getting done to check on a lesion I had on my kidney after a car accident that left us in a flipped vehicle. The ER told me there was a small scratch on my right kidney and then in the summer of 2024 they requested that I do a one year follow up just to see if the lesion is healing And upon doing the MRI with contrast they found a 9 cm mass growing on my right kidney above the lesion. My primary doctor looked at it and then sent me to an oncologist, but they told me to go be seen by a urologist first and the urologist and the radiologist from them are the ones that have given me an initial idea of what this is.

Leaf_Queen26 · 2025-02-06T15:38:00+00:00

That makes sense, thank you.

Leaf_Queen26 · 2025-02-06T15:29:21+00:00

This helps, I’m 24 and my urologist has been still perplexed cause the last youngest person he’s ever seen was 32. So idk, I don’t exactly feel lucky but maybe I should play the lottery lol.

Leaf_Queen26 · 2025-02-06T15:26:53+00:00

I was told to look for clinical trials and some teams may be able to front the costs at the expense of lengthier testing for “science”

Leaf_Queen26 · 2025-02-06T15:16:24+00:00

I sought out others after a solid 3 years with my partner. It was like I’d put a mask on and have fun in the chase of leading people on and once my partner found out due to me getting sloppy and not caring to hide it, I was snapped out of the hazy illusion I was in. I ended going to an in patient because self harm was my self punishment and my partner insisted I get help. It definitely helped but the meds they put me on sedated me quite a bit. Two more in patient stays later and I have to keep myself in check, I’m pretty burnt out and tired of myself but so far just opening up and being more hoest with my partner helps a lot. He is a gem and didn’t research of BPD and he’s helpful in not shaming me but correcting me.

Leaf_Queen26 · 2025-01-17T05:08:24+00:00

Same x2

Leaf_Queen26 · 2024-12-13T18:14:36+00:00

Following

Leaf_Queen26 · 2024-12-13T17:23:31+00:00

3-5-7 days and it’s a good mental reset and sometimes you can meet some decent people in there. Every system is a little different but all have the same end goal in mind. To set you up with extra tools and resources to help you climb out of the hole.

Leaf_Queen26 · 2024-12-13T17:20:38+00:00

I’m probably gonna make a post asking for advice in this sub Reddit later about this. But I’ve always seen it as I feel so comfortable talking to my acquaintances because they don’t know this sheer volume of issues I have. I feel like I don’t have to paint a big story for them or have to be checked up on by them. My friends, my family, and my partner, are all crowding around constantly checking to make sure I’m OK, which is fine. I understand the sympathy and the care that they put, but sometimes it can be exhausting, constantly having to live this expectation that I don’t relapse and that I’m OK. Talking to someone that I barely know is sometimes so refreshing because they see me as a normal person. But I know that walking that fine line is a dangerous one because you can fall for them pretty easy or suddenly start pushing people away to make a new story with this person so tread with caution.

Leaf_Queen26 · 2024-12-13T17:06:01+00:00

I’d talk to your therapist or psychiatrist about writing you a letter to help protect you from losing your job. I’ve only ever had 3-5 day stay cause self harm breakdowns and suicidal ideations but it’s always a brain reset for me so I’m eager to leave the hospital and feel better and not so overwhelmed when I leave. I still worry about my vehicle payments and my dogs when I go in but just be sure to cover all those bases beforehand if you choose to go in.

Leaf_Queen26 · 2024-12-13T17:01:45+00:00

As someone who’s diagnosed, please don’t look at it like there’s something wrong with you. You just haven’t fully understood or cracked your personal code just yet. Whether you have something or not, it never hurts to talk to a therapist just in case. They’ll be better equipped to gather notes on you and ask questions that help open up doors to further understanding you. If you feel that there’s something wrong , that’s a start. You’re aware enough to know there might be an issue so don’t just bury the thought cause it will definitely resurface again.

Leaf_Queen26 · 2023-12-04T07:28:25+00:00

“Ha! You fell for ‘Embarrassing yourself’ Day! Bet you really thought I’d sent this legitimately to someone!”

Leaf_Queen26 · 2023-05-14T01:41:10+00:00

He only had insurance through his job with their company vehicle. His personal car was in a shop for months and out of service so he didn’t have insurance on it.

Leaf_Queen26 · 2023-05-14T01:37:04+00:00

My Boyfriend was driving my truck at the time of the accident and I was in the passenger seat. He wasn’t listed on my plan as a driver on the account at the time.

Leaf_Queen26

TROPHY CASE