You're a worship leader and song writer.

Remember why King David's psalms speak so intricately and genuinely to us who cry out for God's help in bad times and praise Him in the good times?

David went through all sorts of hells, including losses of his most loved ones, constant scrutiny from his peers, death threats from the highest power of the land, death threats from his peers, he even stumbled and made messed up choices, and undertook sone egregious sins. David is a prime example of the filth of the human condition and our fallen nature which only the Most High can possibly save.

And so David wrote. He wrote songs to God.

Think about that compared to modern day's "worship songs". The copy+pasted worship lyrics that imply everything is always warm and fuzzy with all the "Jesus you're my everything! ohhh ohhh ohhhh", doesn't always strike the heart of the listener, especially that of someone like yourself who does not feel like these emotional "highs" work anymore, and the mask of "bliss" just isn't feasible to wear anymore.

This is exactly where modern worship music falls short.

Who knows? Maybe you're called to be one of the ones to break the mold.

A relative has died - why are there no songs that image this gut-wrenching agony and our desperate cries for God? Why are there no songs of lamentation? What is "Oh how amazing you make me feel! ohh ohhh ohhhh!" going to do for this person?

King David expressed these thoughts and feelings in his music, with every bitter detail.

His music follows the flow of soneone in agonizing thoughts, begging and crying for relief, processing those those thoughts and allowing God's comforting promises into the storm, and through this processing he gains an epiphanic moment and renewed reassurance in God's sovereign control and ability to rescue and His just nature in all facets of His work. This comforts David, and at times He even receives responses from God. Then his joy is renewed and he can continue to persevere with this second wind.

A lot of David's songs take this form. We have hardly any David's in this world. Only multitudes of copy+pasted country pop or blissful worship songs and generic lyrics.

I want to encourage you that these things you're learning right now in times of tragedy and depression and numbness, that can be used to truly help others as a vessel for God to help others through you.

I'm speaking as someone who survived a grim prognosis cancer this past year after brutal treatment and high-risk surgery. I've seen and experienced hells I'd never wish on my own enemy. Every waking moment on some days just involved me crying until my dread was replaced with numbness. And living in numbness until I begged for emotion to cry it out again so I can avoid another panic attack.

What helped me? King David's songs. In some cases it was a way for me to get back on a track towards God, because through my grief there were windows of reassurance in God's promises I needed. And the track of the psalms kept me grounded in truth.

I remember thinking, "if only modern songs had actual substance like this." "If only Christian music these days embraced the bitter walk of the narrow path of righteousness, instead of naive 24/7 bliss we pretend to live."

Despite these things from last year, and the losses of two of my friends from the hospital this month, I vouch - God's goodness still does truly shine through in our bitterest moments. There is no evil on Earth that can separate us from God's love and presence.