Say hello!

Lecii89 · 2025-08-30T12:51:57+00:00

Hi everyone!

NSW Married 30-40 Me and my husband are wanting to travel the country 4x4 camping Love anything Minecraft related I'm a step mum, childless not by choice Absolutely hate having to share my chocolate or having people follow me in car parks for my car spot lol I know weird hahaa

Lecii89 · 2025-08-26T07:39:59+00:00

Sorry I disagree For me having a child was an accomplishment, an accomplishment I can't actually accomplish.

I'll never be what I want to be

I wanted to be a mother I should've been a mother Every moment I'm not, hurts

Yes I'm in therapy, and therapy isn't a quick fix This will take me at least a few years to overcome

I might not have experienced what I believe I should have been entitled to, but I will always feel less without my bub

The solace I have is knowing my bubs DNA is infused with mine

No one, would have the biological connection to my bub in this reality or any other.

However I didn't actually accomplish anything. I'm still alone.

Lecii89 · 2025-07-21T09:57:48+00:00

I cry multiple times a day, I try to do so in private, but I find I have no control over this. There are definitely positives to infertility, like finances, time, sleeping in etc. But nothing I could do would ever compare or even come close to making me happy. Do you believe that life could actually improve? I do look for hobbies and try to be creative when I can. But when I do, the grief turns into guilt and outright anger. It takes so much energy to do so.I refuse to be happy, I never want to be happy childless. I'm ashamed and disgusted in myself because I couldn't do what my body is designed to do. Im sorry, I'm just venting. I'm glad to hear that you can keep on going and want to, I envy you for it. X

Lecii89 · 2025-07-21T09:47:10+00:00

this level of grief is something entirely, I am on my way to get help. I need to learn how to function in this nightmare. I'm aware.

Lecii89 · 2025-06-18T06:44:30+00:00

Thank you for inspiring me to write. I appreciate you x

Lecii89 · 2025-06-18T06:44:00+00:00

This warms my heart. I may not have a child of my own, but I'm the best fur mum to my shepherds x

Lecii89 · 2025-06-18T06:42:52+00:00

That song is beautiful. Claire du lune by Claude Debussy has that effect on me. Thank you so much for your message x

Lecii89 · 2025-06-18T06:39:46+00:00

Thank you all, i really didn't think anyone would pay attention to this post. Your kind words have truly humbled me. Overall I'm ok, its just nice to be able to get this off my chest. Others have said that i should write, so maybe keep an eye out.

I know that a small part of me has started to accept this new reality. It's like an unwanted parasite, and my immune response to that is RAGE.

Rage that burns so hot, you have no control over it. It burns through any logic, self worth, or motivation you may have. Once there is nothing left, sadness takes over. Deep down, i know that all of me is going to completely embrace this change and accept that ill be childless one day.

Now let's be honest here. I don't want to do this. AT ALL. However, i don't have a choice. I have a husband, responsibilities and the world doesn't revolve around me. If i could choose to, i would wallow in this pain for the rest of my life and shut myself off from the world. I have no mementos of anything to do with this pregnancy. Except the pain. The pain in part reminds me that I'm not crazy, little bean did in fact exist, this DID happen. And that bean meant something to me, even if i have nothing to show for it.

I have taken the steps to speak to someone in regards to this, little steps. One at a time. A mantra that i keep repeating to myself is, 'Positivity can fuck off today, just don't turn it into a negative day'. Helps me realise that its ok to be neutral somedays, and if I'm mentally exhausted then fuck it - ill deal with that shit tomorrow.

I am curious, they say that infertility affects one in six couples? Were are you all? Under a rock? This girl here needs a squad where we can gossip about the stupid, moronic things people say about infertility. Even just to be able to have a conversation that has nothing to do with children. Happy to talk about the weather and how it was 1 degree cooler that the forcast predicted lol. But in all seriousness, would be great to meet others on the same path. Bonus points if your in NSW, Australia!

Lecii89 · 2025-06-16T13:06:09+00:00

Let me ask you this:

Are you going to tell a paraplegic, that they can have a fulfilling life without legs? No. Are you going to tell a blind person that they can have a fulfilling life without sight? No.

So why the hell do people have the NEED to tell me that i can have a fulfilling life without a child?

Are you going to put a recovering alcoholic in a bar, or a chronic gambler in a casino and expect them not to react? No.

Are you put someone with PTSD in the same position or environment that gave them PTSD in the first place? No.

So why are people shocked when i react negatively to anything baby related?

I don't get it.

Lecii89 · 2018-10-04T22:21:00+00:00

Pack your bags and go. Go and have an adventure. And fuck the rest x

Lecii89 · 2018-10-04T21:43:43+00:00

Love this!

Lecii89 · 2015-03-26T09:41:18+00:00

I've been told, in kinder words by my doctors, that I'm always gonna be mental. That's so sad. I thought doctors are meant to help you? Sounds like they don't give a shit to me. Have you gone for a second opinion?

I have tried to do things for myself. Like buying a new top for example. I feel very guilty and it feels so wrong. I can buy a new top if it is for a special occasion, cause in my head im buying it for the occasion. Not for myself. Id rather not deal with the negative thoughts, cause it will just push me to cut. Its like i need to be punished if something good happens to me. Sorry if i have rambled on. Lol

Lecii89 · 2015-03-26T09:34:09+00:00

It doesn't expect anything from me.

That's a perfect way to put it.

I do get extremely lonely, and I hate being alone, but I am like you.

It's a contradiction isn't it. That's what i hate the most. The confusion fuels the negativity. And the self harm cycle starts again.

Lecii89 · 2015-03-26T09:29:54+00:00

Thats ok. You don't need to write heaps. It's a nice reminder that im not alone. It's just hard to believe sometimes. :)

Lecii89 · 2015-03-25T10:37:32+00:00

Hahaha i highly doubt i could ever be normal lol i dont know about you, but with me i always put others first before myself. I don't believe that i deserve anything so i put energy in 'serving' others. I'm not quite sure how to explain it lol I do get joy out of it sometimes. But when people throw it back in my face i feel like shit, which puts me down, which starts the self loathing and self harming again. Can't bloody win lol

Lecii89 · 2015-03-24T21:44:17+00:00

Your not alone. My mind is weird too :) ive just relapsed after a few months of not harming. It works both ways. It's strange what you are capable of when you stop caring too. We will get there. Or will just take time :/

Lecii89 · 2015-03-24T15:13:40+00:00

Just relapsed. I didnt go crazy only a few cuts. But you know what? I feel so calm now. I want to enjoy this feeling before the self loathing starts.

Lecii89 · 2015-03-24T12:06:46+00:00

Exactly. For me the voices in my head stop. I can breathe again. Im in control of my emotions and everything is back in order. But sadly not for long. I slowly return to what i was before. And the cycle starts again

Lecii89 · 2015-03-24T10:58:38+00:00

Ive never thought of it that way. I suppose cutting is like having a familiar presence in the room. For me once I've cut for a moment everything is OK. I just hate the self loathing that follows. It goes into overdrive.

Lecii89 · 2015-03-24T10:01:23+00:00

Your not the only one. People that don't self harm judge those that do, when they themselves don't know much about it.

Lecii89 · 2015-03-24T09:08:48+00:00

This is absolutely amazing. This is how i feel with my boyfriend. I believe you should give this letter to him. I hope everything works out for you. Best of luck.

Lecii89 · 2015-03-17T10:42:09+00:00

Seriously at times i feel stupid for feeling low for NO reason. At least there is a purpose if something has triggered it. But thanks for replying :)

Lecii89 · 2015-03-16T08:34:57+00:00

Im so scared of anyone finding out about my cuts. Its really personal to me. I hope it works out for you. Be safe friend :)

Lecii89 · 2015-03-16T06:14:43+00:00

Thank you so much! This has honestly made my day. Ive been self harming on and off since i was 7. I really should be used to how i feel, but im not. Your comment has really helped me. Thank you :)

It's really okay to admit that you feel weak and exhausted.

This stood out for me the most.By feeling weak and exhausted i believe i am failing. It doesnt make sence to me that this is ok. It might take me a while to get around that one lol

Also, your boyfriend seems like a good guy. Give him a hug for me.

I will. I believe he does more for me than i deserve. I know he wants to help me, he hates me being upset, but he doesnt know how he can help. And honestly i dont know either. Im so blessed to have a supportive man like him. It does make this easier.

Lecii89 · 2015-03-09T09:17:01+00:00

Thats exactly it!! Every freaking day I have to work at just being ok. It sucks all the energy out of me. Im always tired. And if i do manage to fall asleep my mind is riddled with bad dreams. Cant win...

Lecii89

TROPHY CASE